Intuition or Jealousy?

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    Hey All!

    This is my first post here, and I’d love some advice. I’m currently seeing this girl. We have a lot of history and baggage that we’ve worked through. She is the most important person to me. She works in a gym and spends a lot of time with this guy that is on her sports team. They train in a group, and as a result of circumstance spend a couple hours together each day. It’s always been very obvious to me that he’s interested, and recently she admitted that she thinks he is too. She said she has decided to really watch the way she treats him (which she didn’t, previously), so she doesn’t give him the wrong idea.

    But there’s just SOMETHING about it that bothers me. I’m having a lot of trouble discerning if I’m jealous, or if my intuition is speaking to me. I’ve chosen to trust her, but it’s difficult, still. Does anyone have any advice?

    Thanks 🙂


    For me when i get intuitive about a situation, something or someone am usually right lol 🙂 But instead of speculating have a heart to heart with your loved one, figure out what it is about that guy and her relationship with him that’s making you so uncomfortable. It might be your own insecurities busting out the seams, if you have been in a past relationship where your partner was unfaithful that might be playing a role. talk about it, deal with it and move on. Best of luck!!

    The Ruminant

    It’s the same for me: when I have a gut feeling about something, it’s pretty much always right. Having said that, I have no problems discerning whether it’s a gut feeling or something else. I know, and these days I also trust that feeling and listen to it. So the fact that you are unsure either means that it’s your mind is playing tricks on you, or that you’re just not comfortable with your intuition. Now having said that, I’m under the impression that women in general have easier time sensing things and having that “sixth sense” about things. I don’t know if that’s true and if it is, is it an actual biological thing or social conditioning.

    So, that wasn’t really helpful at all 🙂

    I say that in general it would be a good idea to work on your self-esteem. I’m not saying that it’s too low, but that it’s never a bad idea to have more. When you respect yourself and care about yourself, you know what you are comfortable with and what is crossing a limit to you, and assert those boundaries. That’s also when insecurity, which causes jealousy, starts to disappear. So not only should you trust your gut more and be comfortable asserting yourself, you wouldn’t worry over something that’s actually nothing. I recommend Nathaniel Branden’s Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. It’s a classic and very good. Not a fluffy self-help book, but a solid understanding of the subject.

    John Eric

    Well said Sandra. Open, transparent honesty in discussions with her are key here. But most important, how long will you let this make you feel uncomfortable. That is the choice you truly have power and control over. I went through the same situation not so long ago, I tried to talk through this situation, she did not want to talk about it and when she stated, “where does my privacy start and why is every aspect of my life your business?” I left her. Was she the one? No, I was!!!!!!!!


    It certainly is a fine line between what is wisdom and what is fear. Fear will absolutely destroy a relationship.

    The best thing I would say is try to look at the situation objectively. Look for the facts and evidence in her actions that would lead you to believe she is entertaining a bond with this other guy. If you cant come up with one thing to really sink your teeth into, you’re only left with paranoia and fear being passed off as intuition of what “might could be.” The fact she is being responsive to your concerns and agree’s with your analysis that this dude is being a bit too chummy is a big thing. Someone who really likes that attention isnt going to be so quick to see it as a threat, i.e. as you do, none the less take action to mitigate it.

    Communication and trust is what you need here my friend. You dont want to push her away by depriving the relationship of either. We have a really nasty habit of letting our insecurity and fears turning us into self fulfilling prophecies. She needs to see you as strong and confident and you need to do these things for yourself as well.


    What if you didn’t have to be jealous? What if your girlfriend could have a really good mate at work who was kinda into her, and she kinda into him, and it didn’t matter because you knew she had chosen you? What if she could even sleep with him and it’d be no big deal because you knew you were number one for her? What if you never had to deal with paranoia about infidelity ever again because you knew that if your girlfriend was falling for someone else, or had drunken make-outs one night, she’d just tell you, and it’d be cool?

    What I’m saying is; threads like these make me glad I’m not monogamous.

    OK. But what I’m really saying is; don’t let minor stuff like this eat at you, man. Nothing is going on here. Some other dude is interested in her. She’s said she’ll watch the way she is around him so he doesn’t get the wrong idea (side note: why can’t she just say to him “Hey, it seems you’re into me, I’m taken, tough luck”? Would that not be easier than trying not to accidentally smile too much or whatever she’s doing?) In any case, she’s dealing with it. Let it go and trust her, or you might as well break up now.

    Shae Hepburn

    I think, if I am not mistaken you want to know if it’s your insecurity speaking to you or if it’s your gut telling you to watch out. That’s tricky because sometimes we think we are following our intuition but rather it’s just our fear playing tricks on us. But I have discovered a sure way to find out the difference.
    Sit with it.
    In other words have some alone time and relax or meditate and bring up the situation and concentrate on how your body feels about it. Get a sense about it. In other words you will probably come up with a feeling you cannot quite name that makes you feel uncomfortable. If you work with feelings that are in your body you will always sense the truth about any situation because the body’s felt senses never lie. The trick is to learn to tune in to the feelings and understand what that feeling tells you.If you’re not someone who is in touch with your feelings or intuition you’re not going to have an amazing epiphany so be patient, because this works. And when you know how to tune in properly your true intuition is never wrong.
    I would suggest also talking to her and telling her truthfully how you feel (the level of truthful depends on how comfortable you are with her) and most importantly watch her reaction and your own reaction to ascertain what’s really going on.If what is happening is that you feel insecure about yourself then knowing this will allow you to work on those aspects of yourself to make your relationship stronger with her. This part is about you. However if your intuition is right and you are sensing that something is starting to develop between the two then you need to understand what you can do to nip this in the bud. It might not be anything to do with this guy but rather it might be about your girlfriend. Maybe your girlfriend likes the attention she’s getting from this guy that she wishes she was getting from you. Ben you seem to be someone who is quite switched on, so really it’s about trusting what you feel to be right. I am sure you will make sense of it.

    Clearly she has picked up on the fact that this bloke likes her otherwise she wouldn’t be saying that she needs to watch how she treats him. But then being a woman myself what she says could be code for her trying to tell you that perhaps you need to watch out as someone else is about to hone in on your territory and that you need to pay more attention to her needs, otherwise she could be tempted. It is impossible to tell because I don’t know her or you.But you certainly can have access to this by watching her reaction when you talk to her about this and even watching your own reaction will start showing whether there is genuine concern or if you’re just tapping into your own insecurities. Whichever it might be don’t jump to any conclusion until you know what’s really going on.


    “But then being a woman myself what she says could be code for her trying to tell you that perhaps you need to watch out as someone else is about to hone in on your territory and that you need to pay more attention to her needs, otherwise she could be tempted.”

    Speaking as a woman myself (and yes, my name is Will): If that’s how your woman communicates with you, you need a new woman.

    [This statement has been edited for expletives.]


    I’m sorry, even without expletives that’s pretty harsh. People who speak in code tend to rouse my ire, but that’s no reason to unload it on you.

    What I meant to say was this: Dear Shae, if you do find yourself communicating in code this way, consider that it might be much more productive to find an alternative way to make clear what you need. Risking your relationship by dabbling with adultery seems like an unskillful response to a sense that your needs are neglected. Perhaps, if a situation like this comes up, you can try to address this more directly, by saying something like: “I would like to spend more time with you,” or “When you [do x], I feel neglected. Maybe we could do more [Y] so I can feel [appreciated/closer to you/loved/recognised/whatever it is you need].”

    If you know what it is you’re trying to say, and you haven’t been saying it in words, it’s time to speak up.

    Shae Hepburn

    @Will I wonder if I hit a nerve with you with what I said.You seemed to be oddly annoyed that I would say that some women speak in code. Well the truth is I don’t, because I don’t find the need to play games, but many of my female friends have said to their boyfriends in the same round about that and when they eventually cheated on their boyfriends they then said, “Well I did tried to warn him” (in code mind you). The truth is that in the ideal world we should all have the confidence to ask for what we want directly, but many women don’t feel that they have the right or feel confident to do that. So really while men shouldn’t be specialists in understanding code speak many women speak, the fact is that doesn’t stop some women from having this expectation. Proof of the pudding is the old stereotypes “Does my bum look big in this?” ” Do you think she’s prettier than me?” etc… I was merely pointing to the possibilities: it doesn’t have to apply to Ben’s girlfriend but at least it’s allowing him to view the situation from different angles to see what is more likely and what applies to his situation. Only he would know, obviously because he knows his girlfriend and what of relationship he has with her.


    Oh dear. I would argue that those women’s boyfriends are better off without them if that’s the way they behave. Sounds like justification for poor behavior/blame shifting. If you don’t feel safe or confident to ask your partner for what you want or need, you’re either in the wrong relationship or you need to do some work on self-esteem before you even enter into a relationship. I don’t think being open and honest are characteristics of an “ideal world”, it’s mature adult life. I appreciate the example of the “big bum” question, but I think there’s a world of difference between fishing for a compliment and cheating on a partner because you neglected to speak up for yourself. Your friends should have the decency to end the relationship if they’re not satisfied and then they’ll be free to be with whomever they wish. I don’t see any reason to believe from Ben’s post that his girlfriend is one of these manipulative types of women; in fact, she handled it quite respectfully by saying she would watch her behavior around the other man.

    That said, I think your advice to consider other perspectives is always healthy. This situation might warrant a follow up conversation to make sure the girlfriend feels happy and her needs are being met in the relationship.

    Shae Hepburn

    @Kelly I agree with you. Saying you warned your boyfriend when you should be mature enough to speak up, is just using excuses to justify bad behaviour that is cheating. But that happens alot. And yes while we would like to believe that there are loads of people in this world that are mature and adult, we have to consider that everyone is not like us. @Ben can take my opinion and use it or discard it that is his choice. But what worries me is the prickliness my comments have provoked.Whether Ben’s girlfriend is manipulative or not is not for you or me to judge and that is not what I did. This post is about him so it would be helpful to keep the responses on point .By the way where is Ben?

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