Cheyenne,

Speaking from the point of view of someone who had an opportunity to finish my college education right after High School, but instead chose to get myself distracted with all of my “adult responsibilities.” I can tell you this, no matter how difficult you feel it will be to go to college now, given all these circumstances you mentioned, it will be 10x harder if you put it off for later on.

Right now you’re only bills are a cell phone and tuition? incidental expenses? I would kill for those to be my only financial concerns… and before you think Im some old dude, Im only in my late twenties.

At your age, no one really expects anything out of you, other than to do exactly what your parents are encouraging you to. Go to college, get your degree, because honestly without it no amount of “understanding the workforce” is ever really going to get you on track to a career, you’ll always just be “the workforce.”

Concerns about money are completely legit, most young people get insanely in debt to go to the “best school” when often times the people in the cubicle next to them after graduation paid half the price for the same degree. Unless you’re going into some extremely technical field the reputation of the college means very little, especially if your majoring in anything liberal arts. If you’re hesitant about moving away and the tuition? May I suggest a local community college? its often 1/4 the price of a major state school, its a great bridge academically between HS and a University. They do a great job of offering a flexible schedule for people who want to work part time and go to school full time and if you communicate with your advisers and you stay within the same state post secondary education system most if not all your hours will carry over to the state universities. Also if you decide after 2 years college isnt for you at least you have a degree that much no one will be able to take from you.

No matter what you decide trust me when I say, no matter how difficult you think the prospect of college is now, as you get older it only gets that much harder to juggle. If I had a time machine I would go back to my 18 year old self and tell him to get it together… and not make the same mistake.

More important question, why are you taking your ques from facebook? Whenever anyone tries to assign any logic to facebook interactions, it truly is a sign of our times. Where interpersonal skills are being taught in the Technology lab and no longer in Communications Department.

Secondly, this guy is going through a divorce? Id say you should be more concerned with that red flag…..

I certainly didnt take your reflection as being deep and meaningful, I apologize. I appreciate the further digression. I dont mean to make judgement. I can only form thoughts based on the information provided.

Sounds like you know where you need to get, he will stay where he is at. Feel bad for him, I do.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Chad.

Jay,

This may be difficult to hear, but if this situation is having a disruptive effect on your life. It is simply because you are allowing it to. I did not read anything in your post, where this women is making a concentrated effort to continue to be present in your life. So I have to ask, is this is not occurring. Than how is it all this trouble you are experiencing is being caused by her? It is not, not by her presence at least, but by her ghost. The ghost you continue to acknowledge, and allow yourself to dive into a negative tail spin of self defeating thought and depression. I understand it is very difficult to move on after someone we love and someone we invested many hopes and dreams for the future, does something to make this a difficult reality. However, you have to accept that it is over, she does not want to be in your life anymore, and that is ok. You pine for her, but why? You want someone in your life who cheats, is dishonest, files false police reports? It sounds like you deserve much better than this. You are not acknowledging the person she is, however who you continue to want her to be. Despite her showing you she no longer wishes to be this person. We have absolutely no control over other people, but have absolute control over ourselves. I would take an opportunity to sit along and truly reflect on your self worth, why you are a good person who deserves better, and how continuing to give this persons choices to destroy your life, when her choices arent destroying hers. You are allowing it to, she isnt. Please find away to get back on track, no person is worth all this.

-Chad

Bri,

Its a classic situation where your heart does not want to accept what your mind knows. You have a bond with this person, and have shared life experiences over a long time. You found some value of this person in your life. However, you find yourself in a situation where perhaps this person has changed and is no longer being a healthy member of your life. Your decision to cut it off should not be one you are ashamed of. Ultimately you have to do what it is you need to for yourself. Im a big fan of mending fences and being good neighbors. However, you can not make someone want to do the work it takes to fix things or bridge gaps that have developed. It seems like she has chosen her path in life. She accepts no personal responsibility for her behavior, it being alcohol or drug induced. When the choice to get drunk or high was also hers. If you are seeking to get clean from the influence of drugs and alcohol. Your road to recovery is going to need to be one filled with clean and supportive people. Not enablers or people who will entice you back into that life.

I know its hard to give up on a long term friendship, however try to look at it like this. You are not making the choice to no longer be her friend, she is making a choice to not respect your boundaries so that she can continue to be yours. All you can do is communicate, be upfront with what you expect and give someone an opportunity to honor their responsibilities to you. What they do with it is on them. As you make new friends and ones that can fill the void left by her, what you are feeling will go away. I would encourage you to get out and meet new people who live healthier more well balanced lifestyles. Best of luck.

-Chad

@Bruce

Your point becomes more clear, surely the more accountable person here is the 64 year old man. I agree and have no doubt he saw this opportunity to take advantage of a well meaning and maybe tad naive younger person. We were all that person once, just wanting love and not quite sure how to get there, meeting predatory folks along the way. Whenever I see a relationship with a large age disparity your comment is always what comes to mind.

I understand that 23 is not a ripe age. I know we dont live in a society where 23 is really an adult. My therapist told me the adolescent mindset last till into the mid to late twenties these days. Where as 200 years ago this was mid life for some people.

When ever anyone contemplates leaving a relationship, I get a little worried. I have a bad time of playing devils advocate for the people on the other side of these discussions. Simply because I was that guy once. I wish my ex would have communicated with me the way people communicate their problems to complete strangers on here. Alas that was never going to be a reality.

I will simply suggest, that I feel you should be open, honest, and communicate with this guy. Put him on official notice of the things you arent satisfied with in the relationship. I’ll wager his behavior outward and the things he says to you is not the whole truth. I would bet that there is more going on inside his head and heart than he probably leads on, and maybe isnt comfortable or aware enough of himself to share them with you. However you cant make him get over what ever it might be holding him back or his baggage assuming that is the case. Its going to have to be on him. You can only try to help him unpack, but know when to call it quits if he doesnt want to.

Seems peoples advice on here is always to preserve self and book, when things start to run into choppy water. It doesnt sound like this guy has been emotionally or physically abusive. Seems like he just doesn’t know what he wants, or hasn’t been as emotionally available as you would like. The options are to accept him how he is, be as understanding, supportive, communicate see how he reacts or if things get better without sacrificing your boundaries. Or to accept how he is, and that this person is simply not right for you at the current moment, let him know this and move on.

We forget that when we are in a relationship, especially one that has some time already invested, and the L word said. We owe a little bit of time and effort into it, as long as we are steering clear of being just codependent. It takes two to make a relationship work, Im simply saying before you make a decision, think. A relationship is like a tennis match, you can only control your side of the net, you can serve the ball, but he has to hit it back. Have you given him one final volley? or are just wanting to put the ball in your pocket and go home? For me I like to leave a relationship with the ball on their side, knowing I did what I could do and they chose to no longer play.

Ultimately you know what is best for you, I suppose a year isnt that long, and problems so soon are there to tell you something. These days a year does seem like a long time….. but in the hour of life its little more than a minute on the clock. Whatever you decide, do it with compassion, understanding, dignity and respect for yourself, for him and your relationship be it one together or one apart. Good luck.

• This reply was modified 10 years ago by Chad.

I understand you’re feeling guilty for his pain. However you have to do what it is you feel you need to do, breaking up with someone because its becoming unhealthy for you or because you need time alone to work on yourself is noble. I dont think anyone can fault you for it. For me, if you cant be in a relationship the way you need to be, the most humane thing is to end it. If suppose for your conscience, as long as you make good on your word and go and truly grow and work on what you need to. Atleast his pain and the break up will not have been in vain.