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Chad

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 62 total)
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  • #65516
    Chad
    Participant

    Cheyenne,

    Speaking from the point of view of someone who had an opportunity to finish my college education right after High School, but instead chose to get myself distracted with all of my “adult responsibilities.” I can tell you this, no matter how difficult you feel it will be to go to college now, given all these circumstances you mentioned, it will be 10x harder if you put it off for later on.

    Right now you’re only bills are a cell phone and tuition? incidental expenses? I would kill for those to be my only financial concerns… and before you think Im some old dude, Im only in my late twenties.

    At your age, no one really expects anything out of you, other than to do exactly what your parents are encouraging you to. Go to college, get your degree, because honestly without it no amount of “understanding the workforce” is ever really going to get you on track to a career, you’ll always just be “the workforce.”

    Concerns about money are completely legit, most young people get insanely in debt to go to the “best school” when often times the people in the cubicle next to them after graduation paid half the price for the same degree. Unless you’re going into some extremely technical field the reputation of the college means very little, especially if your majoring in anything liberal arts. If you’re hesitant about moving away and the tuition? May I suggest a local community college? its often 1/4 the price of a major state school, its a great bridge academically between HS and a University. They do a great job of offering a flexible schedule for people who want to work part time and go to school full time and if you communicate with your advisers and you stay within the same state post secondary education system most if not all your hours will carry over to the state universities. Also if you decide after 2 years college isnt for you at least you have a degree that much no one will be able to take from you.

    No matter what you decide trust me when I say, no matter how difficult you think the prospect of college is now, as you get older it only gets that much harder to juggle. If I had a time machine I would go back to my 18 year old self and tell him to get it together… and not make the same mistake.

    #65515
    Chad
    Participant

    To me it sounds like you arent the type of person who takes much away from shallow or casual interactions. You much prefer deeper meaningful connections? You probably do this, because you know the type of person you are, what you’re capable of giving, and its generally a lot of time, effort and consideration for the people you consider close to you. However, you simply are not going to show this side of yourself to any person fresh off the street, without putting them through the test, to show they deserve you in their life. As much as you may want them in yours. Did I get anywhere close?

    I suppose the best thing I could give that remotely lives in the neighborhood of advice would be, simply do not expect much out of people. However don’t allow yourself to become embittered because you feel you can rely on no one. I’ll assume that since you’re going back to college? the people/classmates are much younger than you. “flaky, selfish” and generally shallow seems to be the mold they are cutting people from these days. Not to say EVERYONE, but the majority of the ones that lay on the surface generally all shares these qualities. I would also suggest taking a little responsibility for your predicament and using the resources available to you due to the nature of your academic affiliations to seek out some people who may be more suited for friendship. Adult student groups? getting involved in a volunteer project? civic organizations such a united way, kiwanis. I generally find if you involve yourself in things that require people to commit their time and effort to something and give of themselves. These are the type of people you might click with.

    Best of luck

    #65514
    Chad
    Participant

    More important question, why are you taking your ques from facebook? Whenever anyone tries to assign any logic to facebook interactions, it truly is a sign of our times. Where interpersonal skills are being taught in the Technology lab and no longer in Communications Department.

    Secondly, this guy is going through a divorce? Id say you should be more concerned with that red flag…..

    #54486
    Chad
    Participant

    The old adage “perception is reality” is completely true. I believe insecurity is the root of what you present. Always assuming the worse, instead of letting what will be, simply be. Recognizing it for what it is, and dealing with it appropriately when required.

    I too have allowed myself to be crippled with paralyzing fear, paranoia, worry and doubt. Usually the situation I so fear never materializes, or an attempt on my behalf to sway the outcome to prevent what it is I fear, usually develops the self fulfilling prophecy.

    Understanding it occurs, does not keep it from happening. However seeing it for what it is in the throws allows me to center myself, relax in the knowledge its an episode, I make no actions or decisions in result and let it pass. Its the best way Ive learned to deal with it.

    #54484
    Chad
    Participant

    I certainly didnt take your reflection as being deep and meaningful, I apologize. I appreciate the further digression. I dont mean to make judgement. I can only form thoughts based on the information provided.

    Sounds like you know where you need to get, he will stay where he is at. Feel bad for him, I do.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Chad.
    #54483
    Chad
    Participant

    You say “His behavior, the way he treats me, is bringing up very strong emotions of sadness and depression in me.” but in the very next thought in the following paragraph you say “I like him a lot.” My dear, why would you like someone who treats you this way, and makes you feel these things?

    I think if you are honest with yourself, and like myself a fellow introvert. I think what you like about him, has less to do with who he actually is, and more of who you want him to be. For introverts we yearn for deep meaningful connection. We truly want to feel comfortable and experience life as extroverts do. However we do it under certain circumstances. Its hard for us to meet people, so when we finally find someone willing to go out on a date with us. The simply act of being there buys them alot of credit. Despite the fact while they are present they may not be treating us well.

    As Jess said, you certainly deserve better. One of the great things about being introverted is we do not need the external validation all the time like most extroverts. We are comfortable in our own skin and know who we are. Dont let this guy take that away from you. You deserve someone who is going to appreciate or at the least understand the way you are, and not put a burden on you to be someone else. In the other hand, you can not hold onto this guy expecting him to be someone he isnt. It doesnt sound like a good fit, and that is ok.

    #54432
    Chad
    Participant

    Jay,

    This may be difficult to hear, but if this situation is having a disruptive effect on your life. It is simply because you are allowing it to. I did not read anything in your post, where this women is making a concentrated effort to continue to be present in your life. So I have to ask, is this is not occurring. Than how is it all this trouble you are experiencing is being caused by her? It is not, not by her presence at least, but by her ghost. The ghost you continue to acknowledge, and allow yourself to dive into a negative tail spin of self defeating thought and depression. I understand it is very difficult to move on after someone we love and someone we invested many hopes and dreams for the future, does something to make this a difficult reality. However, you have to accept that it is over, she does not want to be in your life anymore, and that is ok. You pine for her, but why? You want someone in your life who cheats, is dishonest, files false police reports? It sounds like you deserve much better than this. You are not acknowledging the person she is, however who you continue to want her to be. Despite her showing you she no longer wishes to be this person. We have absolutely no control over other people, but have absolute control over ourselves. I would take an opportunity to sit along and truly reflect on your self worth, why you are a good person who deserves better, and how continuing to give this persons choices to destroy your life, when her choices arent destroying hers. You are allowing it to, she isnt. Please find away to get back on track, no person is worth all this.

    -Chad

    #54431
    Chad
    Participant

    The only thing we can really know definitively after a break up is what our part in it is. I see you putting a lot on his mistakes and his choices. What about you? You say you dont care about him and what he is up to. Yet you are in here sharing your story. True indifference, would suggest such a post not necessary or worth your time. You say you are focusing on yourself, dating yourself. What does that mean to you? To me it means examining what my part in the dysfunctional relationship was, what choices did I make to get me where I am currently at. You can not put it all on him, because a relationship takes two people. This person cheated on you for 3 months, instead of standing up for yourself and demanding better you say you put up with it. That my dear is all on you. This person seemed to show you over and over what type of person he was. In my opinion not the type of person who should really be in a relationship period. Yet you stayed in it. The important questions you need to be asking yourself is why?

    You can give up on love and soul-mates if you want, and form your opinions about relationships and dating around this negative experience. The only thing this will do is guarantee you will never experience either ever again. From reading your post, my first impression is that you are very young. Then I see you have children. It seems maybe a re-evaluation of your priorities may be in order. We get out of experiences what we put into them. If you are unsatisfied with his behavior and how things developed. I suggest looking at what it is you did and the choices you made to allow this influence in your life. This is all we will ever know completely, and the only thing we have power over to change, ourselves, not others.

    #54412
    Chad
    Participant

    Bri,

    Its a classic situation where your heart does not want to accept what your mind knows. You have a bond with this person, and have shared life experiences over a long time. You found some value of this person in your life. However, you find yourself in a situation where perhaps this person has changed and is no longer being a healthy member of your life. Your decision to cut it off should not be one you are ashamed of. Ultimately you have to do what it is you need to for yourself. Im a big fan of mending fences and being good neighbors. However, you can not make someone want to do the work it takes to fix things or bridge gaps that have developed. It seems like she has chosen her path in life. She accepts no personal responsibility for her behavior, it being alcohol or drug induced. When the choice to get drunk or high was also hers. If you are seeking to get clean from the influence of drugs and alcohol. Your road to recovery is going to need to be one filled with clean and supportive people. Not enablers or people who will entice you back into that life.

    I know its hard to give up on a long term friendship, however try to look at it like this. You are not making the choice to no longer be her friend, she is making a choice to not respect your boundaries so that she can continue to be yours. All you can do is communicate, be upfront with what you expect and give someone an opportunity to honor their responsibilities to you. What they do with it is on them. As you make new friends and ones that can fill the void left by her, what you are feeling will go away. I would encourage you to get out and meet new people who live healthier more well balanced lifestyles. Best of luck.

    -Chad

    #54178
    Chad
    Participant

    @ Ugren,

    I just wanted to offer that as something to consider. Im glad you have communicated, Im not so glad no action was taken on what was shared. If the ball is in his court, then there is nothing more you, yourself can be expected to do. “It takes two”, good song by Katy Perry on her new album also :p

    #54177
    Chad
    Participant

    @Bruce

    Your point becomes more clear, surely the more accountable person here is the 64 year old man. I agree and have no doubt he saw this opportunity to take advantage of a well meaning and maybe tad naive younger person. We were all that person once, just wanting love and not quite sure how to get there, meeting predatory folks along the way. Whenever I see a relationship with a large age disparity your comment is always what comes to mind.

    I understand that 23 is not a ripe age. I know we dont live in a society where 23 is really an adult. My therapist told me the adolescent mindset last till into the mid to late twenties these days. Where as 200 years ago this was mid life for some people.

    #54104
    Chad
    Participant

    Batman,

    It takes two, you can not say that the blame is more his or hers. When people say it wasn’t my “intention” to hurt anyone, its seems dodgy. There are some behaviors that when executed, carry the risk or guarantee that someone will be hurt, cheating or being involved with an affair is one of these situations. Just because one says they had no intention of hurting him, yourself, or his wife does not absolve one of responsibility, one should know what would inevitably occur and this be reason enough to steer clear. Its played out in life everyday as an example to all of the consequences of this behavior. Getting to the bottom of why it happened will be a better focus of energy than simply on what had happened.

    You do speak wisdom that this is in the past, and nothing can be done about it now except, accept responsibility for her part, make a change, learn from it, and grow. Make sure to never involve oneself into situation that has caused so much grief and pain ever again.

    I’ll agree that, Lynda you are not damaged goods. Bad choices do not define us, as the person we wish to be tomorrow can be better and different than the person we were yesterday. Its ultimately your choice, to allow yourself to let the past dictate your future or flip the page and start a new chapter.

    I also agree to cutting this person off, you say you can not forgive him, and still have negative feelings, yet you continue to engage with him……if these statements are true, then what benefit are your receiving by tearing open old wounds? or are you simply trying to still feel a connection? even if it causes you pain after the initial buzz wears off?

    I hope you can find peace on the matter, we are all capable of some questionable behaviors, its the downfall of being human, the upside is the ability to find understanding and control ourselves moving forward.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Chad.
    #54102
    Chad
    Participant

    When ever anyone contemplates leaving a relationship, I get a little worried. I have a bad time of playing devils advocate for the people on the other side of these discussions. Simply because I was that guy once. I wish my ex would have communicated with me the way people communicate their problems to complete strangers on here. Alas that was never going to be a reality.

    I will simply suggest, that I feel you should be open, honest, and communicate with this guy. Put him on official notice of the things you arent satisfied with in the relationship. I’ll wager his behavior outward and the things he says to you is not the whole truth. I would bet that there is more going on inside his head and heart than he probably leads on, and maybe isnt comfortable or aware enough of himself to share them with you. However you cant make him get over what ever it might be holding him back or his baggage assuming that is the case. Its going to have to be on him. You can only try to help him unpack, but know when to call it quits if he doesnt want to.

    Seems peoples advice on here is always to preserve self and book, when things start to run into choppy water. It doesnt sound like this guy has been emotionally or physically abusive. Seems like he just doesn’t know what he wants, or hasn’t been as emotionally available as you would like. The options are to accept him how he is, be as understanding, supportive, communicate see how he reacts or if things get better without sacrificing your boundaries. Or to accept how he is, and that this person is simply not right for you at the current moment, let him know this and move on.

    We forget that when we are in a relationship, especially one that has some time already invested, and the L word said. We owe a little bit of time and effort into it, as long as we are steering clear of being just codependent. It takes two to make a relationship work, Im simply saying before you make a decision, think. A relationship is like a tennis match, you can only control your side of the net, you can serve the ball, but he has to hit it back. Have you given him one final volley? or are just wanting to put the ball in your pocket and go home? For me I like to leave a relationship with the ball on their side, knowing I did what I could do and they chose to no longer play.

    Ultimately you know what is best for you, I suppose a year isnt that long, and problems so soon are there to tell you something. These days a year does seem like a long time….. but in the hour of life its little more than a minute on the clock. Whatever you decide, do it with compassion, understanding, dignity and respect for yourself, for him and your relationship be it one together or one apart. Good luck.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Chad.
    #53866
    Chad
    Participant

    Jess has some good advice. If anything look at the positive of this experience. You found the nourishment your soul was wanting post a bad break up. You had an amazing connection with someone you care about. I’ll bet after your break up you didnt think that was possible again. Use it as hope, that there are people out there you will meet, you will click with and can develop meaningful feelings for.

    I agree maybe you were a bit infatuated by the situation and it might be playing up in your mind what it is you have with this person. You say you are focuses on school and career, and that should continue to be your focus. Just think to yourself, if you were to make sacrifices and give up your path to pursue this person. How would you feel if it didnt work out? You more than likely would be kicking yourself, and missing the lost time you spent pursuing him and not yourself.

    2 months isnt long, I’ll suggest not long enough to really know who he is, or what he is really after / capable of. We never really know a person this well…. even when we are with them all the time for years. They can always surprise us….. Im not saying completely forget about this person. However, I suggest maybe keeping it extremely casual. Keep in touch, get to know him better best you can. Live your life, date other men. If its meant to be, it will, if your still single in a year. Maybe revisit the topic assuming he is still interested. Dont jump to any life changing decisions in the moment, when maybe your motivations arent coming from a firm place of understanding as suggested above by Jess.

    There is something to be said about following ones heart, but there also is wisdom in accepting a situation for what it is, see what good it served and moving forward using it as a catalyst for something else. I always say relationships take 3 environmental factors to work, really. They are timing, opportunity and choices. If all three arent aligned, its a path to suffering and more heartache.

    #53714
    Chad
    Participant

    I understand you’re feeling guilty for his pain. However you have to do what it is you feel you need to do, breaking up with someone because its becoming unhealthy for you or because you need time alone to work on yourself is noble. I dont think anyone can fault you for it. For me, if you cant be in a relationship the way you need to be, the most humane thing is to end it. If suppose for your conscience, as long as you make good on your word and go and truly grow and work on what you need to. Atleast his pain and the break up will not have been in vain.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 62 total)