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Im lost and completely hopeless after my brutal breakup.

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  • #54424
    Jayaseelan
    Participant

    Hi there, good day everyone. I was looking for a perfect place for me to share my suffering so that I will get help and advice from all part of the world. Please mind my english as Im not that good in writing. Well Im 27 now, when I was reaching 22 I was hit by my first breakup. There is where I went through alot of suffering and pain and unfortunately that time I lost all my friends because I isolated myself. I lived in hell for 2 years. I lost almost everything. I lost my business,my remaining money,my car,my bike and few valuable items. I went jobless and I was living with my parents and yet my appearance is like homeless dude. My entire life went upside down. My perceptions totally changed. My world changed. I lived in that pile of shit for 2 years. My life went zero and wasted for 2 years, I started to smoke alot and drinks too. I lived in fear,trauma,anxiety,depression,post traumatic stress and you name it I had it all. After 2 years I decided to move on, I didnt knew that that whole negative part of me as I mentioned i had was suppressed. I didnt knew that Im not healed. When I was 24, I never expect the whole episode gonna take place again when I met my second girlfriend. She lives almost 200 miles away from my place. I knew her though a friend of mine. I started to get to know her and I fell in love with her just through phone. For six month I madly in love with her. After 6 month I met her for the 1st time and that was the most precious moment of my life. I started to build my life and Im convinced that I lived just because of her. My whole life is her. By the end of that year, I found a job for her near my place which just 15 minutes away from my home. Her mom and she came to my house for the 1st time and I introduced her to my mom. I was the most happiest man in the whole world,my girl will be so close to me. She started work and I will be with almost everyday. Weekends she will be staying with me. I was so madly deeply in love with her. Im attached emotionally and physically. I took care of her like a baby. I feed her, I’ll put her for sleep, I’ll make her laugh by dancing funny dance and when she was admitted for food poisoning i was with her in that hospital for 3 days. Everybody around me use to say that she must be lucky to get me. 10 month went on and she changed her work place. She joined a new company with new friends. Where she start to cheat me. She found another guy who is in higher post and she bought a new phone which i dont know she had. For a month she started to avoid me by not talking to me, not meeting me often. She said if she meets me, I make love with her,which she describes not necessary. It was new for me. one day i decided to check on her bag and i found a phone with intimate messages with him. I should have died that moment. When i went and ask for explanation she just walk away and said we will talk tomorrow. I was holding her leg and crying and begging. She walk away and thats it. She changed her number and made a police report on me saying ‘My ex is disturbing me” and police spoke to me saying if i tried to meet her ill have myself arrested. After that i met her 4 times and that for times was really hurting. She humiliates me,she chased me and even hold her shoe and saying she will slap with that if i ever disturb her again. I hold her leg and begging for mercy in front of some people yet she turn away from me. Its been 4 month now, almost once in a week ill go to her place and ill have a smoke and comeback. Atleast i was near her place. I cant move on. My life become terrible more than before. She is so near yet i didnt met her months. I lost everything again, I tried committed suicide,unfortunately i survived. I resigned my job 4 month ago. Again I lost my saving and all the money I have. I dont feel like living anymore. What happens to me was injustice and cruel. I lost my confidence and motivation. As im typing this now, I cant stop crying as my inner part is greatly in pain. Everything is still fresh for me. People around me gives up on me. Even my mom. I dont have a purpose to live anymore. I cant go to the places we use to hang out. I didnt eat and sleep well for few month. if anyone out there can help to explain whats goin on to me, i would really appreciate it. I have set a deadline for me,maybe another 2 month. If im convinced that the whole episode goin to happen in my life again and if its goin to drag me another few years, I cant take it anymore. I just wanna put and end for my suffering and pain.

    thank you and sorry its a long story.

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Jayaseelan.
    #54432
    Chad
    Participant

    Jay,

    This may be difficult to hear, but if this situation is having a disruptive effect on your life. It is simply because you are allowing it to. I did not read anything in your post, where this women is making a concentrated effort to continue to be present in your life. So I have to ask, is this is not occurring. Than how is it all this trouble you are experiencing is being caused by her? It is not, not by her presence at least, but by her ghost. The ghost you continue to acknowledge, and allow yourself to dive into a negative tail spin of self defeating thought and depression. I understand it is very difficult to move on after someone we love and someone we invested many hopes and dreams for the future, does something to make this a difficult reality. However, you have to accept that it is over, she does not want to be in your life anymore, and that is ok. You pine for her, but why? You want someone in your life who cheats, is dishonest, files false police reports? It sounds like you deserve much better than this. You are not acknowledging the person she is, however who you continue to want her to be. Despite her showing you she no longer wishes to be this person. We have absolutely no control over other people, but have absolute control over ourselves. I would take an opportunity to sit along and truly reflect on your self worth, why you are a good person who deserves better, and how continuing to give this persons choices to destroy your life, when her choices arent destroying hers. You are allowing it to, she isnt. Please find away to get back on track, no person is worth all this.

    -Chad

    #54434
    Abisnail
    Participant

    Hi there Jayaseelan. I just wanted to let you know how incredibly brave I think you are just for asking for help. There are many more people than we care to think about who feel exactly the way you do right now. I’ve been in a very similar situation myself and so have other people. You just have to keep hanging in there for a while.

    I know how hard it is to ask for help, and ironically how low many of us get before we can try to. This is you fighting those dark thoughts… Go you! You may not have realised it, but you’ve just made the first step towards healing your pain. That deserves congratulations!

    This girl sounds like she came along at exactly the right time. She gave you something to live for when you needed it most. But it sounds like she has been cruel, and it’s natural to be devastated. You’ve been hurt, and what you’re feeling is perfectly normal.

    Just try your best to remember how happy you felt, and understand that it was you that it was you that got yourself there. You found something that made you happy, and you chased it, fiercely. Good for you! A lot of people never learn how to do that. And you definitely can be that happy again. Your heart needs time to heal first though, don’t try to rush this, it’s not a quick process. Every day, little by little, you will find yourself thinking of her less and less. It may be only a few seconds at first, but these seconds will grow into minutes, then hours, then eventually days. Be kind to yourself while this happens, and when you can, try to do things that you used to enjoy. Even tiny things like sitting outside or making a meal are big steps, and you must congratulate yourself for doing these things.

    Try not to torture yourself by visiting her house. Maybe she had reasons for doing what she did, maybe not. But don’t let yourself remember the good things, try to remember the things she did that irritated you too. It’s so easy to fall into this trap, and so many of my friends have done this, myself included. But you must believe that you just aren’t meant to be together. She gave you an important lesson, and you will be ok. One day, you will be able to help your friendly, or even strangers, through the same pain that you’re feeling now.

    If you need more help than your parents can give (because, let’s face it, they’re you’re parents and will only want to protect you), then ask them to help you find it. I have every confidence that you will find happiness again, because you found it before.

    Sending you love,

    Abby

    #54439
    Jayaseelan
    Participant

    Dear Chad, thank you so much for being honest. I really appreciate it. And Abby your wonderful words are motivating me this very morning. I have this little hope in me that I too will have another chance for being happy. But sometimes,to be honest most of the time I will be dwelling on my past. It took over me after sometime. But I cant go to any places we use to go, I will avoid as much as I can and her pictures and things I have kept it in a box and put it somewhere not visible for me. What is this?? M I running away from it? Or its normal? Will I have this trauma for a long time?? I dont know.. I need to do something I dont want it to drag me again. Im 27 and I think i cant afford to lose my life anymore…. Thank you again Chad & Abby. I really appreciate it. I mean it. God Bless You guys always. You be in my prayers always.

    #54450
    Luna
    Participant

    Hi Jayaseelan.
    Please don’t give up n your self.
    Look, the reason why you could not move on, you feel like hell everyday because it was all good.. You treated her like a princess and still, she hurt you like that. Ok, this is why you can’t move on.
    _You’re confused..
    _You keep thinking of all the effort you’ve made for her, how could she treated you this way. You asking yourself again and again the same question.. what have i done wrong?
    _You didn’t get any comfort from her, no reassurance, no respect.. You want to at least an apology from her.
    _You lingering on the memory because you were the happiest man ever being with this girl.
    _You want an explanation from her, why did she treat you that way, why did she cheat and stuff.
    Look Jay, if its the other way to move on, is to have all those questions to be answered… then do it. Sometimes, people can’t move on because they have no explanation why things did not work out…They need a real answer, something sounds right to be able to accept the situation then move on.
    Jay, don’t think of suicide again. When you love again, make sure.. you don’t live for that person, make sure you don’t do anything in your life because of that person… Such, get a job because of her. NO! you need to get job for yourself Jay?? Why would you do that because of her? THAT IS WEAK! and don’r be weak… Are you a man?
    Don’t live for a girl, you live for yourself, to make yourself happy and the person that comes into your life meant to share your world and her world together with you… DONT FORGET ABOUT YOURSELF when you are with someone else. Most importantly, don’t give your all to them.. Because, why? You are you, you will love her, be the best boy friend ever.. but don’t forget about yourself, don’t live for anyone. Live for you.
    Im going through a break up too, and i also feel lost and confuse and have no motivation but i have to tell myself… what am i doing to myself? I was the happiest girl ever.
    Think about your future Jay… You are only 27, you have so many years ahead to be a successful person, live a good life and deserve all the best.
    Once you accomplish all that, your self esteem will BOOST! When you have a self esteem, you will attract ladies that likes you for how confident you are.
    You ex girl friend obviously looked down on you, she knows your weakness… She knows she can move on and come back to you any time and you would be ok with that.
    She has no respect for you, she cheated on you with for a better man. Someone that is probably making her feel like, she gotta play game with him, gotta chase him also… Woman enjoy the chase too, not just only men.. But you gave her your all at the start.
    This is what happened to me, being too genuine, but my ex wasn’t a heartless person. We didn’t work out because i need a boy friend that is a man, not a little boy.
    You gotta know what you want in life Jay.. I would like to talk to you more.
    Please don’t give up on yourself, don’t ever think of committing suicide because of a girl who treated you like shit.
    Jay, you don’t understand what a good life is yet, don’t waste this life… you have to live until you know what is happiness then you can die happy. Right now, sorry man. Life is precious, don’t just give up that easily…
    Everyday, please go for a walk outside.. Breathe in and breathe out. notice things around you, there are beautiful things that is around you. The grass, the sky… everything! They’re so peaceful, and then you.. you’re with them. Don’t rely on anyone to bring you up, you gotta get up yourself Jay.
    The moment you rely on anyone, you will get used to the habit and feel hopeless again.. But don’t bottle it, tell people how you feel get comfort then knowing that, people loves you Jay.
    I dont ono you man, but you’re a great person. You have a lot of potential and you are not weak. You just let your emotion taking over.. act upon your head, not emotion. That bitch your ex, is not worthy for you to even think about seriously.
    NO ONE is allow to disrespect you that way!
    EVER!
    Ok? Im happy to reply to you anytime.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Luna.
    #54456
    Luna
    Participant

    Chuck her shits away.
    Don’t even think of keeping it away, what for. Your home have no place for girl like her. If she was a good person, maybe you should have some respect but honestly just dumped them in the bin. Nasty as it sounds, you don’t need any memory lingering around. The moment you throw her shits away, you making you another step to let the memory go.
    And, be glad that everything happened. Because, if without all that. It could’ve been worse… you might love her even more, might move in together, live together or whatever together. Create more memories and making it harder for yourself. Imagine if you were to be married to a girl like her, then to find out all these years she have been cheating on you. She is such a heartless bitch, for her to walk away without even explain why she did what she did or even apologise. This girl is not worth your time, if you want to revenge. Jay, be the most successful person ever. Show the world that you are happy and thank you for that SLUT you now know your worth. Everything has its karma.
    A girl that cheat on her boy friend, if the guy at her work really going to treat her well then he is a stupid man. One day, she will do the same to him.
    But pray for her, show your forgiveness. A person like her that have no morals for herself, she lives a shit life and needs a lot of help.
    Jay, you truly deserve all the best xx

    #54460
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    well, i completely agree with what the others said. I also want to add something else to this. Imagine this- suppose you ended marrying this girl and she made your life hell like before, by her cheating, lying etc After marriage in India, divorces are not easy and they never are anyway. So imagine, you would have been stuck with her for years, decades..who knows? These 2 years may have been shit but your whole hasnt turned to dust, right? You’re just 27 and you have decent education, work experience, good qualities. You’ll get way better girls than this one. She doesnt deserve you at all. Also, one word of advice- never accept such bad behavior again. I know pyaar is andha, but this is plain blindness to reality. Pick yourself up my friend. Life is much better without a toxic woman like that. Maybe you’ve taken time to realize it but atleast you did. Its not even that late! You can always start over but you have to make that effort and this time, you’ll have this experience to make you careful in how you let people treat you.

    Good luck!

    #54489
    Jayaseelan
    Participant

    Thank you so much all. Luna, im really glad that u r very much straightforward. You made me think. U dont know me but the time u took to write for me with most valuable msges,i think because the religion is simply love. Thank you for giving me Love when i needed most at this crucial time. But honestly Luna, r u someone with crystal ball infront of you? The point that u had for why i cant move on,thats exactly how i feel. Seriously…finally…..i didnt know y this happens to me and with no explanation??? But Luna i have already tried to reach her for explanation as exactly as u said at least apologize. But she had no answer but to chase me with abusive words and actions. There is no point in doin that. I gave up. But yeah, im here,im alive, wonderful new people u all still trust in me, i hope i wont let u people down,let my friends and family down. Though they r like gave up on me,i think i still can give my best to them. Atleast as u said Luna, For me. Do something for myself. Yeah,which i had failed to do till now. Jess,nice person u r, as u said my life is yet to turn into dust if i didnt do anything about it. But its just that,lack of self esteem and getting up everyday is tough for me.But i hope eventually it will surpass.and yes Jess Pyaar is Andha..love is blind and no Jess im not from India, Im a Malaysian 🙂 but region or religion doesn’t matter, as i said the religion is love. Im really glad i found this page 2 days ago,i registered just because i wanted to share my pain so ill get remedy from all part of the world. I think im getting it. I dont really know hw much i shud thank you all. Honestly,this is new for me. Never tried to write in a forum before. my first experience. awesome. I appreciate you all. Luna and jess ull be in my prayers too. Love you people. Love you.

    #54494
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    🙂 haha, thanks for clarifying that bit! love is universal though and so are good people!

    All the best Jayaseelan, you’re gonna be fine in time.

    Challenging times create tougher people. As for the getting up everyday bit, i will recommend keeping your sleep cycle intact. That actually worsened my mind-set when i started experiencing really bad times where i had to stay home without anything to do (job, school, no friends around etc). Additionally, when you get up, make sure you have a list ready, something to do so that your mind starts getting into that slightly focused zone. Its very troubling to wake up and feel like there’s no point to get up…its a terrible feeling and i have been there a lot.

    I thought my life was over, made no sense anyway and i had messed up way too much…but the mind knows how to play its tricks on us when life sends us these shocks…funnily, after all the crying, numbness, negativity and breaking points, i forced myself to walk outside everyday, do some mundane tasks, pray, read specific things and keep busy in something…kept looking for opportunities, constantly telling myself that i must stay hopeful, i must believe for my sake. At that time, even living made no sense to me…No longer like that though.. I looked more into why i had become so troubled from inside and thought about some very vital questions on what i wanted from life as well…why i had such low self-esteem and how it could be helped…Even read “Boosting self-esteem for dummies” -_- i had believed for way too long that i wasnt any good. That time alone for the last few months forced me to go deep into the roots of that thinking process.

    Actual situation still on the road to recovery but my resolve is back 🙂 All i can say is that this tough phase will teach you a lot about getting closer to who you are, what you really want and develop greater inner strength.

    Good luck on your new journey.

    #54535
    Luna
    Participant

    Well, this is also reason why i wanted you to ask her. Now you can see that she is a brutal bitch that don’t deserve you. You are way too good for her, please walk away.
    Either with an explanation or without, you have an answer.
    if she was to tell you why she broke up with you, what did you do wrong? Then you got the answer.
    And even if she didn’t give you any explanation but calling you names, you still have the answer. The answer is, at least you tried for the explanation, so you don’t wonder to your self that should you ask or not? Because you already done it.
    I just sympathise myself with people’s situation that is all. And i know, at a time like this.. you need all the support you can.
    Now it’s time to move on, to realise better things in life. To believe there are angels looking after you that’s why you survived, higher power above knows you are a good person, your time hasn’t come yet so you cannot die? 🙂
    and yes, love is blind. I feel yah… your case is not the worse, there are more complicated relationship problems out there that is so so hard to answer.. and i am in it 🙁 but i will be ok 😀
    I suggest you Jay, to get a job, but don’t work too much.. give you sometimes to reflect on yourself too… Because, being at home too much will make you start thinking, making it harder to move on. Look up meditate and practice, i don’t ahaah because i don’t know how to, but maybe you can.
    If you have hobbies, mines drawing… then practice it! If you have no hobbies, its time you should explore your talent and pick up a hobby 🙂 for men are usually Gym. Hit the gym, looking sexy and who cares about the bitches, some of them just waste your time 😀 ahhah!

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Luna.
    #54560
    Jayaseelan
    Participant

    Thank you again Jess. And Luna thank to you too. So much of positiveness I have got from you all. After few month, I have attended interview today. There will be another second interview on coming 22nd this month, hopefully I gets this job and get myself busy. I really wanted to be around so that I wont be left out. Allow me to share anything whenever I feel down or upset…….it wud be a lie if i said i already recovered…..But ill gain support and kindness from you all to rebuild my life.

    God Bless…Love You 🙂 <3

    #54918
    Shellie
    Participant

    To be frank, I think you have little to no self-worth. I just broke up with my bf in January and I was down and out for about a week or two. And while I still think about him every day and cry from time to time, I refused to have it completely overcome me.
    I know different people cope in different ways, and I think you are allowed to feel the way that you feel… with one exception – in this process of grief, continue to love yourself.

    If your worth is solely based on how others value you… than you will constantly be in the position that you are in now.

    What do you like about yourself? What do you enjoy doing? What hobbies can you enjoy?

    Love is a beautiful thing, and as cliché as this is going to be, you cannot love anyone unless you love yourself. I don’t think you love yourself very much, which is a shame because I am sure you are an amazing person with a lot of love to share.

    I would recommend a few things:
    1. Grief… let it out.
    2. Stop contacting her. After my break up I continued to be “friends” with my ex until I realized that talking to him only caused me more pain and left me feeling confused. It is not until I completely cut him off is when I truly began to move on from the relationship.
    3. Love yourself. Better yourself.

    I think resigning from your job only added to your self-pity. Just because one thing went wrong in our life doesn’t mean everything else should be neglected. I hope you can find another job soon because I believe this could help you with your self-confidence.

    Lastly, I will end with this statement that my aunt told me a while ago… “Build your own happiness. So even if your lover leaves you, you will always have that happiness that you built for yourself. No one can take that away”. Your beak up was only brutal because you are making it brutal. You care causing a lot of your own mental anguish within yourself.

    Good luck my friend.

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