April 7, 2014 at 9:23 am #54416
I’ve been with my ex for over five years. We broke up twice for 13 months and he always came back to me. I broke up with him because he didn’t know what he wanted. We got back together and I broke up with him this time for cheating. I had proof. Showed it to him he denied it got pissed off at me for even bringing it up and continued seeing the other person publicly on FB behind my back and continued to lie about it. So finally I got fed up and told him to leave me alone. He still kept calling me like nothing went wrong and finally I decided to go NC. Before then we had agreed to return our things. I returned his and he has made every excuse as to why he hasn’t returned mine. I don’t really care about my things any more but what I am puzzled is his behavior. It’s like I never knew him. First shock was him cheating denying it and not even apologizing and refusing to talk about it. Second is after the breakup him holding on to my things like he is trying to get back at me. He was the one who cheated not me. I put up with it for 3 months hoping that it will fizzle out and he would come clean and end it. He didn’t so I left because I was done with the disrespect an humiliation. I am not sure why he is refusing to return my things. I feel like he is doing it to get back at me for breaking up with him. Why? I just don’t get it. He has someone else.
As for me I tried to date and all because I knew he was with someone else. But then I decided that I don’t care what he is doing. I don’t feel like dating anyone but myself. I thought my ex was my soulmate. Now I don’t believe in that soulmate thing. I don’t believe that there is anyone out there for me. So I am dating me and I feel ok with that for now. Maybe it’s just a defense mechanism I don’t know. I feel dating is a waste of my time and don’t believe in “love” anymore… Just focusing on
raising my children and traveling.April 7, 2014 at 2:27 pm #54431ChadParticipant
The only thing we can really know definitively after a break up is what our part in it is. I see you putting a lot on his mistakes and his choices. What about you? You say you dont care about him and what he is up to. Yet you are in here sharing your story. True indifference, would suggest such a post not necessary or worth your time. You say you are focusing on yourself, dating yourself. What does that mean to you? To me it means examining what my part in the dysfunctional relationship was, what choices did I make to get me where I am currently at. You can not put it all on him, because a relationship takes two people. This person cheated on you for 3 months, instead of standing up for yourself and demanding better you say you put up with it. That my dear is all on you. This person seemed to show you over and over what type of person he was. In my opinion not the type of person who should really be in a relationship period. Yet you stayed in it. The important questions you need to be asking yourself is why?
You can give up on love and soul-mates if you want, and form your opinions about relationships and dating around this negative experience. The only thing this will do is guarantee you will never experience either ever again. From reading your post, my first impression is that you are very young. Then I see you have children. It seems maybe a re-evaluation of your priorities may be in order. We get out of experiences what we put into them. If you are unsatisfied with his behavior and how things developed. I suggest looking at what it is you did and the choices you made to allow this influence in your life. This is all we will ever know completely, and the only thing we have power over to change, ourselves, not others.April 7, 2014 at 4:32 pm #54438
Chad you are absolutely correct.
What I mean by dating myself is precisely what you said. Maybe I should have been clearer. After this relationship I had to go back and examine all my past relationships and ask why they failed. I read an article right here when the breakup first happened that advices me to look within. What part did I do to make it fail. One is because I didn’t think better of myself like I didn’t deserve a better relationship for several reasons I’d rather not mention. Once I was able to discover and come up with reasons I started working with a counselor (I still am). Until I fix those things I will continue to get the same results no matter whom I’m with. You are right about what you said about my ex and I. I failed or didn’t want to see who he showed me he is. We were in a long distance relationship.
This relationship is the wake up call that I needed to examine ME. I was pointing out my ex because of his words. I know that I won’t entertain or even attempt a relationship with someone who tells me he can’t give me what I want. Or isn’t ready for a relationship when I become emotionally ready. My ex did love me the way he knew how. I still love him. I maybe a little annoyed. But I won’t continue dating because he is when I know I have a lot of work to do on me. I can’t control him but I can control me. I hope I’m clearer now and thanks.April 8, 2014 at 3:11 am #54466JamieParticipant
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. It’s a very difficult thing to learn to let things go and understand that you can only control your own thoughts and feelings. I have struggled with this for over a year – sometimes I’m ok with it and other times I am not. When I am not it’s because I find out something about my ex that brings back the feelings of not understanding their choices, feeling rejected and hurt. But those are my feelings, my reactions to something out of my control.
Being content with who you are is so important. It will hold you in good stead for any relationship whatever shape that takes.
Good luckApril 8, 2014 at 3:36 am #54469
It’s an up and down thing. Luckily my ex lives in a different state and I blocked him on FB so I really don’t know what’s going on with him. I just get annoyed when I think about the games he is playing. I just didn’t expect that from him. We were best friends and up till the breakup we were doing ok. He wouldn’t have told me about the other lady if I didn’t find out. I know it will get better because I remember when I took the bold step to end it. I couldn’t eat nor sleep. I lost 15 lbs. I was getting panic and anxiety attacks if I saw anything that reminded me of him. Even FB! Now I’m on FB and I don’t even go to his page. This just gives me hope that it can only get better from this point. I hope the universe can send me someone who is right for me. 🙂April 8, 2014 at 8:45 am #54484ChadParticipant
I certainly didnt take your reflection as being deep and meaningful, I apologize. I appreciate the further digression. I dont mean to make judgement. I can only form thoughts based on the information provided.
Sounds like you know where you need to get, he will stay where he is at. Feel bad for him, I do.
April 8, 2014 at 1:14 pm #54500
- This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Chad.
There is no need to apologize. We come here to give and receive advice. Yes you are right. I sometimes feel sorry for him because his relationships before me all lasted an average of 3 months. He always described them as psychos etc. he had nothing good to say about them and he was always the victim.
I truly pray that one day I will feel whole enough to be in a healthy relationship but for right now I am not ready.April 3, 2022 at 7:02 pm #396836AnonymousGuest
Dear Princess/ Reader:
I am addressing this to the Reader as well because there is a very small chance that Princess is still around the forums… but maybe, Princess?
The title of your thread is “Not sure who my ex is“, and you answered your own question (who is my ex?) in your 4th post: “the victim“.
The full quote from your 4th post is: “his relationships before me all lasted an average of 3 months. He always described them as psychos etc. he had nothing good to say about them and he was always the victim” – He claimed that his ex’s were psychos; after your relationship with him ended, and you became another ex in his life, he likely claimed that you were a psycho too, and likely he had nothing good to say about you… and likely he presented himself as your victim.
While still in a relationship with him, you showed him proof that he cheated on you, and “he denied it got pissed off at me for even bringing it up” – he conveniently ignored his cheating act and was pissed off at you for not doing the same, thinking of you as … a psycho for bringing it up?
Regarding returning each other’s things, “I returned his and he has made every excuse as to why he hasn’t returned mine” – because in his mind, only a psycho would insist on him returning the woman’s things…?
When getting to know a person, better listen to how he (or she) describes other people in his life, past and present; his perception of others and of his own history is likely to repeat.
anitaApril 4, 2022 at 9:33 am #396852PeterParticipant
I feel dating is a waste of my time and don’t believe in “love” anymore…
The Inuit have 50 words for snow capturing all its nuances. Sadly the English language only has one word for love. A word capturing none of its nuances. Without nuance it is I think to easy to mistake the word love for that which the word can only point to.
What does it mean ‘not to believe in “love”? What of love in context of relationship? How can it be that a relationship that ends painfully, in disappointment, after a time of grieving, can open a person to a deeper relationship to Love?
A purpose to dating can be to find a life partner but that is only one possible purpose, if purpose is something the idea must have. Dating, meeting people is a experience, a engagement with life. Love and healthy boundaries are not separate ideals, but intimately entangled. Relationships teach this lesson… often the hard way. Learning, growing, becoming… is a attribute of Love, perhaps even a intention of Love. Thus a painful end to a relationship can still be Love.
What would it be like to engage with others and ourselves without the demand/desire that it meet a ridged, mostly unconscious, definition and expectation of love and relationship?
I do not know about soulmates. I wonder if the relationship we have to the idea of soulmates isn’t defined very well. I suspect we tend to make quite a few assumptions about what a relationship with a ‘soulmate’ should look like. I wonder how much the desire to control life in order to match our wants and desires is projected onto that word ‘soulmate’… and ‘love’.
We use words like love and soulmate without fully understanding what we mean by them. Without fully understanding what we are pointing at. What we expect from them. A relationship ends and we say it was not love, the partner for that time was not my soulmate. But what does that assume? What does that say about ourselves and how we relate to those words?
Words are symbols on a map and a map is not the territory. Like the finger that points to the moon, words point past themselves to something words can’t contain. So easy to mistake the word for the thing it can only point to. The buddha once said to imagine someone is trying to show you the moon by pointing at it. The pointing finger is what guides you to the moon. Without the finger, you might not notice the moon. But the pointing finger isn’t what matters most.
The words we uses to point with, matter. Words have power.
What am I saying…. nothing probably… maybe something. Forgive my intrusionApril 19, 2022 at 3:28 am #398253HoneyBlossomParticipant
I really liked your post Peter. I have chosen not to pursue relationships, but I have love in my life. Not the type of love in popular culture or sexual entanglements. I know I feel a lot better about myself and happier within myself now I am alone. I’m.definitely much more emotionally and mentally stable.