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To forgive?

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  • This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 10 years ago by Bri.
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  • April 7, 2014 at 8:21 am #54409
    Bri
    Participant

    Hello,

    So this is something I have been struggling with for the past few months. A best friend of mine (for 13 years, we’ve been friends since middle school we are in our early 20’s now) betrayed me in many ways. We have always been inseparable. We moved to two different states for college, but after we graduated I convinced her to move in with me, and she did. Everything was going great we were living our lives having fun being the best friends that we were. Although, we were partying a lot and doing things we shouldn’t have been and just living life in the fast lane. I started to introduce her to a lot of people and after a while things started getting back to me from people. For instance, how she would tell personal situations of mine to others, things that I only shared with her. I also heard that she would talk negatively about me, and only reason I believed any of these things is because a lot of things I would here, only SHE knew. I have been really hurt and struggling with what to do about the situation. I struggled with it long enough until I decided to cut off our friendship. I would feel so uncomfortable around her and betrayed. She has done things live this previously so I am all about forgiving but this would make the second time. Not to mention, I was ready to get away from that negative lifestyle of partying and drugs , and she wasn’t. She is a sweet girl to my face and always apologized when she did me wrong, but behind my back it was a different story. She would always blame it on her being drunk or high and not knowing what she was doing. It just felt right to part ways. But now, it’s been a month or so and I am feeling bad for letting her go but on the other hand I don’t regret it. It’s a hard feeling to explain. I feel like she is a bad friend, that’s toxic for my life. But I also find myself thinking of her. Im not sure what to do. Help? 🙁

    April 7, 2014 at 8:32 am #54412
    Chad
    Participant

    Bri,

    Its a classic situation where your heart does not want to accept what your mind knows. You have a bond with this person, and have shared life experiences over a long time. You found some value of this person in your life. However, you find yourself in a situation where perhaps this person has changed and is no longer being a healthy member of your life. Your decision to cut it off should not be one you are ashamed of. Ultimately you have to do what it is you need to for yourself. Im a big fan of mending fences and being good neighbors. However, you can not make someone want to do the work it takes to fix things or bridge gaps that have developed. It seems like she has chosen her path in life. She accepts no personal responsibility for her behavior, it being alcohol or drug induced. When the choice to get drunk or high was also hers. If you are seeking to get clean from the influence of drugs and alcohol. Your road to recovery is going to need to be one filled with clean and supportive people. Not enablers or people who will entice you back into that life.

    I know its hard to give up on a long term friendship, however try to look at it like this. You are not making the choice to no longer be her friend, she is making a choice to not respect your boundaries so that she can continue to be yours. All you can do is communicate, be upfront with what you expect and give someone an opportunity to honor their responsibilities to you. What they do with it is on them. As you make new friends and ones that can fill the void left by her, what you are feeling will go away. I would encourage you to get out and meet new people who live healthier more well balanced lifestyles. Best of luck.

    -Chad

    April 7, 2014 at 8:59 am #54414
    Bri
    Participant

    Chad

    “You are not making the choice to no longer be her friend, she is making a choice to not respect your boundaries so that she can continue to be yours” wow that really stood out for me. I feel a lot better after reading your post. Thanks for your input!

    Bri

    April 7, 2014 at 9:10 am #54415
    BruceWayne
    Participant

    Hello Bri,

    I encourage you to trust the decision you made and to terminate this friendship once and for all. It sounds like to me you have already given her a 2nd chance, and if that was wasted, then it’s time to move on. The universe is designed in such a way that you attract certain people into your life fairly easily, while others will come and go.

    Ultimately, you made this decision to cut her out of your life because you are looking for less drama, more happiness, and one less thing to worry about. These sound like good reasons to me to leave her behind, you have to look out for yourself. You are listening to your instinct on this, and 9 times out of 10 your instinct is usually right.

    Best of luck

    April 7, 2014 at 9:39 am #54417
    Bri
    Participant

    Hi BruceWayne
    I agree, it’s just always hard to let go of someone you’ve always been so close to.
    But at the end of the day I have to do what”s best for me.
    Thanks for your input!

    Bri

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