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Ugh, i dont know what to do…need help!

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  • This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by sri.
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  • #52164
    Sandy
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now and I was beyond in love with. We had a weird situation were it took us about a year to finally get together. I feel like we worked so hard to be together and now I’m not feeling very good about us. I don’t know if anyone else does this but I’ve made a list of things I want in a man, nothing crazy, just basic things like responsible, have a car, a job, etc. Well he fits almost most of my requirements. I’ve also made a list of pros and cons about my boyfriend and there are definitely more pros than cons. I feel like he’s so perfect for me, we both want the same things in life and I’m really attracted to him. He’s funny and he’s my best friend. I feel like I love him but it really bothers me how he treats me sometimes. I can’t even talk to him about it because he’s so difficult to talk to. He assumes I’m trying to start a fight. Some of the things that bother me about him are also what attracted me to him. He’s a know it all which is really annoying, I mean he’s really smart but he’s condescending when he talks to me. He’s really witty and sarcastic and I know he’s just kidding sometimes but there is always true to jokes. I just feel like he doesn’t respect my opinion on anything because he thinks he knows best. For example, I’ll tell him something about a product or subject and he just dismisses my opinion but then later on someone else will say exactly what I say and then he’ll believe it or consider it accurate. I feel like he thinks I have no credibility. What really bothers me the most is how he makes me feel. I have always been very confident in myself. I know I am smart and beautiful, not to toot my own horn. I hate it that he makes me feel stupid. I hate it that he doesn’t think I’m intelligent. I am a very polite and kind person, I am humble and never talk down to people. He thinks he’s superior to me. He’ll make jokes like, you’re pretty so you don’t have to be smart. When I ask him if he thinks I’m stupid he replies, No, I was just kidding…if I thought you were stupid I wouldn’t be dating you. He just acts like such an asshole sometimes. He’s also really weird about his friends, he says he likes to keep his personal life private but to me that just seems shady. I know this is really stupid but he refuses to associate with me on FB. We are friends on FB but he doesn’t say that he’s in a relationship or that we are together, there aren’t any pictures of us. If you visited his facebook you wouldn’t know I existed. He never mentions me at all. He even once posted that he spent Saturday night drinking beer with his dog and watching Netflix…..I was there too! What am I furniture? At first he claimed that he didn’t want to post anything because he didn’t like people knowing his business but I later found out that he had in a relationship with his previous girlfriend when they dated but he claims that she forced him to. He claims that it’s too soon after her and that he has mutual friends with her and he doesn’t want people talking badly about him. His previous girlfriend was friends with all his friends and hung out at he same spots they did. He’s so worried about what other people think. I claims that I’ve met everyone who matters like his family and close friends. I know he’s trying to make me feel better but it doesn’t. In my family we don’t introduce boyfriends if they aren’t serious boyfriends, introducing him to my family was a big deal for me. I always thought that was the same for everyone but I later found out that he’s brought home all his girlfriends, so much for feeling special. He’s had about 18 previous girlfriend and apparently his parents have most of them. I wouldn’t be so concerned if we didn’t live together. We live together and he talks about marriage and says he love me. He loves me and wants to marry me but can’t publicly let anyone on FB know. I just feel like it’s super shady. It makes me think that he’s not very sure about me, I wouldn’t be public about him if I wasn’t sure but I am. I just feel like he gives me mixed signals, he tells me he loves me and that he wants to marry me but then he turns around and acts shady about us? He also claims that he wouldn’t of asked me to move in if he wasn’t serious about me but he’s lived with his three previous girlfriends too. The normal things that would indicate that he’s serious about me like introducing me to his family or asking me move in mean nothing because he done this with all his previous girlfriends I feel. He’s also not very thoughtful. My ex was very romantic and thoughtful and he’s the opposite. I don’t know how to read that. I’ve only had one other boyfriend and don’t have anyone else to compare to. I know everyone shows love differently. For holidays like Christmas, Valentines day, our anniversary, or my birthday he makes little effort and when he does he waits for the last minute to do something or get me something. For this past Christmas he bought his step mom a nice bracelet…I got house slippers and a candle? AND he didn’t even bother to wrap it. I claims that he didn’t know what to get me…um a bracelet would of been nice. I feel like everything is starting to get to me, I love him but it bothers me so much. I mean he’s not cheap or anything, he never lets me pay for anything and he’s a gentleman when we go out but I feel like he does it for show, for appearances. The only nice thing he has ever bought me was a parrot I really wanted, but he really wanted it too. I know it seems like I keep putting down his efforts but he has yet done anything where the sole purpose was to do something nice. The parrot was really expensive but he really wanted a parrot too, he said that the parrot was my Christmas/Birthday present since he didn’t give me anything nice. I mean I guess the parrot really is mine and I can take it with me if we break up. I don’t know, I’m so confused. I feel like he’s really great but there are things that bother me about him and I make excuses for him. I don’t like to make excuses for people’s behavior. I’ve tried to talk to him about all the things that bother me about him but he’s so defensive and gets angry and says I just want to start a fight and turns things on me. I just don’t want to waste my time with someone that isn’t committed to me. Numerous times I’ve tried talking to him about me feeling like he’s not really committed to me but it’s like talking to a wall. I just don’t think it’s fair that I am more committed than he is. I’ve never lived with anyone else before, I left my home to live with him and I just want to feel like I’m not just another girlfriend. I want to pressure him but it’s been a two years since we’ve been together and we’ve been living together for a year now. I’ve noticed that lately I’ve been thinking about leaving, I’ve been thinking about not being with him. I’m not sure if I should keep working on us or just move on. Also, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m PMSing but he’s been getting on my last nerve lately, I’m just over his bullshit. I don’t know if it’s just a phase or not. I just feel like I’m starting not to care anymore, I’m just so tired of feeling this way. Everything I knew about how a relationship is suppose to be or how things are suppose to be no longer are true. I feel discouraged. I’m realize things aren’t so black and white. I just don’t know when am I suppose to say goodbye to someone. Am I fighting for us or just forcing the relationship?

    #52165
    Jade
    Participant

    I know you love this man, but his attitude towards you sounds incredibly toxic. Your partner is supposed to be your number one cheerleader, the person who lifts you up and encourages you to be the best version of yourself. And the Facebook thing seems like a giant red flag to me as well.

    Read over your post, but pretend it was a friend who sent it to you. What would you tell her?

    #52172
    Sandy
    Participant

    @Jade
    It makes me terribly sad because I know what I need to do but I don’t want to. It makes me sad to think that all the future plans we had together and life we planned will be no more. I’m so angry at myself, so angry that I’ve become that girl. If it were a friend telling me this I would tell her to run. I guess I’m just so comfortable with him and the thought of starting over scares me. Thank you for your input Jade.

    #52203
    Jade
    Participant

    Don’t be angry at yourself! When it comes to making scary, life-changing decisions, it’s definitely hard to take that leap when it’s all up to you. There’s no shame in wanting to hold on to love and comfort. Whatever you decide, it’s the best decision you can make for yourself.

    Here’s a TB article you might find helpful: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/a-simple-process-to-turn-fear-into-power/

    #52254
    Shae Hepburn
    Participant

    @Sandy before you make any decisions… stop, get a pen and paper out and write down what you want from a relationship with a man. Okay I read your post and you already did the checklist, but that’s NOT what I am talking about. I am talking about what really matters. For example: how do you want to feel when you’re with someone you love? How do you want to be treated? How do you want to treat him?How will you know that he is looking after you? In other words what specifically will indicate to you that he loves you before he ever utters the words? You get the picture. The point is women get bogged down with nonsense: for example he must have super straight teeth, shiny shoes, he has to be tall and have a Porsche etc…That’s all fine and great but what if you get a man that ticks all the boxes and yet treats you like dirt? So the point I am making is that you need to know what you want from this man or any man for matter and that will clear up your confusion.

    I can tell you right now that this guy has issues and the biggest one is that he does not feel good enough for you. Secondly because of this insecurity he seems to have devised a way to protect himself by not fully including you in his life. How do I know this? Well look at the fact that he does subtle put downs and then says he’s joking. Actually he isn’t. He puts you down and temporarily feels good about himself but the cost is that you get to feel bad. Is that how you really want to be treated? You seem to be an insightful sensitive young woman that deserves a man that “gets” her. From what you wrote it seems like you dislike being with someone who is not going to treat you the way you feel you deserve to be treated and you know what…. follow that feeling because it’s telling you something important about yourself. It’s telling you to honour yourself. The point is: in any relationship each calls the shots as to how they allow the other to treat them. If you had said to this bloke the first time he put you down that you don’t know tolerate that then you would have set the boundaries quite clearly as to what is acceptable or not for you. But don’t beat yourself up, if you knew better you would have done better. But use this opportunity to get to understand yourself better.

    So before you decide to possibly end things, get clear what you want for yourself and from a man and then sit down with him and address these. Discuss the fact that you sensed he perhaps feels insecure around you and reassure him. However make it clear that there are certain things you will not tolerate in the relationship any longer and spell them out clearly, without blame and accusations. If he truly loves you he will move mountains to be with you and he will honour and respect what you need from him (this works both ways) however if he ignores you then at least you know you have tried your best and he has effectively made the decision that you don’t need to make and that he is not worthy of you, and that really you should move on. If anything this is a way to either strengthen the relationship or clear up the confusion and realise that he is not for you. Loving is all fine an well, but at the end of the day if a man (or woman)does not honour you then what is the point of being with them?

    #52369
    sri
    Participant

    hey ,, i am 29 years old reisiding in some asian country . well i have never fallen in love till my 27 yrs of my age , although i have been with girls . but i met this gal on 31 jan 2012 and this was the sight that made me believe she is gonna be my future partener . i really did everything ,flew many times as this was long distance relationshi and didnt even consider about money or any absurd thing which may hurt her . i disclosed everthing to her , my passwords , my parents no , my address , wanted her to meet my parents but somehow there was never a lead from her side .i shared everything but she never . she did not rec my calls in night . leave me in total confusion waiting for her calls . when trying sometimes she was busy on other calls .i dont know she never took me seriously . i on other hand was willing to get married with her and start a beautiful life . she was intolerant for me . she never wanted a kid , i agreed . she wanted me to quit army , i agreed . she wanted me to do everything and i agreed . all i tried that she will understand our love . she was highly ambitious .her parents said no to me as i was of other caste . she once told me that she loves me and she is ambitious . whenever we try for anything that we will get married in court she pulls herself away . i must have given her atleast 12 chances . even with my parents brainwash and engagement occured to me with some other girl. i broke it sun as i cant handled it this way . but believe me till today this girl the one i loved still wants time . she is 24 yrs old and she goes out with someone without informing me . she has been eating my head in all this time . i dont know when it comes to maariiage then she is scared of .she never talks to my parents nor she does anything anything to believe them or me that she wants to get married . all she wanted was to raom around with me , think about her professional life , her ambition . i agreed to everything that things will be simler and i will support her for career . let me tell you that i keep thinking about it and it has been killing me from inside . i have not met her for last one year . i have not spoken to her for last one month . everytime i try to solve with this problem . she never never never did anything for us to be together . idont know and i m unable to make her understand a bout it . she needs time and time for what to see north pole ,south pole . i have been sufferring like anything and she has no value to my feelings or to my parents feelings . my parents faced a lot because of me and i dont know how to overcome her . plz guide me and lz help . i know that i am hypersensitive or hyer reacting over it . i dont want to sound weak but i am really helpless .i dont have any friend also to discus about it .

    #52370
    sri
    Participant

    this is my id kunalsonu857@yahoo.co.in

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