Forum Replies Created
November 24, 2015 at 12:20 pm #88235
This is a tough situation, you have my sympathies Peach! I’ve got no doubt that moving to a new place is a big source of your frustrations. Even though it’s your husband you’d rather be spending time with, I advise you still put in some effort to cultivate your own separate interests and hobbies in your new city. Make new friends! Try new things! You might find that once you do, you won’t feel so dependent on your husband to fulfill 100% of your emotional needs.
But of course, it’s important to feel connected to our partners. My husband and me have a similar pattern as you and your husband. My hubby is content to stay at home all day in pajamas watching Netflix, I’m more of a “see places, do things” person. We take turns doing what the other wants as a compromise, with the rule that NO COMPLAINING allowed! If he’s going to come with me to the aquarium/museum/etc. and complain the whole time, I’d rather be alone. 😛
Is it possible that he’s acting the way he is because his job is so stressful, so he just wants to “switch off” his brain when he gets home? In the end, I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel, and see if you can brainstorm some kind of solution together.November 12, 2015 at 12:15 pm #87279
“It felt like they rejected my rejecting. It felt like they wanted to keep me small. Oh my goodness, I rejected a guy, who did I think I was, the Queen??”
OMG Inky this is so accurate. So many parents treat their daughters this way, it’s a shame.
As a matter of fact I AM a Queen! And my husband will be my King, and we will treat each other with the respect and reverence we deserve.
arguseyed – just to let you know, over 30 is NOT a death knell for marriage in India. My whole family had given up on my older cousin for being picky and old… and she found a match/husband at 38! She’s very happy she held out for the right man.November 11, 2015 at 1:04 pm #87225
Oof, religion is such a tough thing in relationships. This is why I talked about religion the first two weeks I was dating my now husband (we have very different religions).
It’s still a little awkward when I’m with his family and they do all their prayers and stuff and I stand there waiting for them to finish. But the point is that aside from those 2 minutes of awkwardness, the rest of the time I have felt welcomed and part of their family i.e. NOT an outsider. If their rituals and traditions were too outside my comfort zone, or I felt ostracized for my beliefs, the relationship would have been a goner.
There’s a difference between a bunch of people fasting while joking about all the delicious things they’ll eat after and being friendly with you VS. a bunch of people fasting while spouting holier-than-thou rhetoric because they are so much more penitent and faithful than you. It completely depends on what kind of religious culture is the norm in his family.November 11, 2015 at 12:53 pm #87224
Ah Catholic guilt, I know thee well. My parents and my husband’s parents are also Catholic. My parents are much less strict than his though.
When we were dating, there was an unspoken assumption from both sets of parents that we would not have sex or live together unless we got married. But neither of us were even virgins when we met (granted, we were both 29 at that point, so it wasn’t unreasonable that we’d had sex before) and we had an excellent sex life that we never admitted to ANYONE in the family (well, I told my sister but she’s and I are the same level of “religion doesn’t get to dictate my sexuality”)
You guys are doing NOTHING WRONG by having a sexual component to your relationship, it’s a healthy thing to do when you’re committed to someone else. We accepted that we wouldn’t be able to live together until we got married, but we just lied for 3 years about having sex.
I would suggest talking with your GF about the guilt. Early on in our relationship, me and my now husband talked about what parts of Catholicism we embraced and what parts seemed wrong to us. It put us on the same page regarding where our morality stood.August 11, 2015 at 12:37 pm #81650
I remember how shockingly lonely I was at 24; everyone had graduated from school and I was living on my own and working, I didn’t “click” with my coworkers and my friends were scattered across the country. Honestly, I dealt with it by visiting my family a lot, and making loads of Internet Friends in online forums (like this one!) Even an independent introvert like myself needed to feel connected to others.December 5, 2014 at 10:06 am #68813
Unlike everyone else here, I think that it’s a very good thing you feel the way you do. Those of us who have compassion and empathy for people who are suffering systematic abuses are often confronted with feeling helpless or “cheating” the system through our own good fortune.
You ask how you can be a better person, how to help those who are suffering, and the answer is to help and support people who don’t have the same privilege you do. Have you ever heard of “white saviour complex”? Don’t fall prey to it! It’s true that your white male privilege has given you advantages in life, but use those advantages to support and be an ally for women and non-whites.
Listen, respect, and support. Remember that the personal is political and that if you can make a small difference or contribution on a local scale (i.e. volunteering or charity work in your city), that’s a worthwhile effort. The problems of the world are too complex to be solved by one person, but if we all chipped in little by little together, a drop of water can become a tidal wave. 🙂November 21, 2014 at 10:10 am #68210
“Perfection is the enemy of greatness”
I was like you when I was younger, I had it all figured out… get awesome marks in school, get into a prestigious uni, ace the MCAT and get into med school, become a doctor and get married and live happily ever after.
It’s funny how plans don’t work out, and how you’re better off for not having fulfilled your childhood plans. Turns out, I didn’t actually want to be a doctor, despite telling people it was what I wanted to do since I was 8 years old, despite the fact that I loved science. My spirits were crushed under the expectations of others and the fact that I was not following my own heart, and I ended up tanking my marks and dropping out of uni, taking a completely different path instead after that.
My advice: relish in failure. I know it sounds counter-intuitive, but honestly my fear of failure and my obsession for perfect everything has been my ultimate barrier to happiness. It’s only in the crucible of struggle do we truly find out who we are and what we are meant to be.
(Personally, I found that school/formal education is the number one way to have my passion for a subject sucked right out of me. Maybe you’re the same and need a different avenue to pursue what you love. Explore your options!)November 17, 2014 at 11:08 am #67997
My two cents:
Not all men are like this. Some men are. Some women are too. Example: my dad has only ever been with my mother and has eyes for no one else, and it’s so obvious that his friends tease him about it but he doesn’t care what they think. My fiancé on the other hand has wandering eyes like crazy but that’s who he is/how he has internalized his masculinity, so I accept it.
My fiancé and I have talked at length about our particular s3kual fantasies and he has explicitly told me that if the opportunity ever presented itself for a 3-some, he would be in favour of it. Thankfully, so am I. Both myself and my fiancé have gone to strip clubs over the course of our relationship and have been honest about our experiences. The key is that we are open and communicative and laying the truth down on the table before we tie the knot and start a life together. I’m actually surprised that you never talked about this stuff to your husband until now!
Personally I think you guys need to keep going with couples counselling; this is a big can of worms that has been opened. Forgiveness is one thing but forgetting is impossible. It’s likely that your relationship will need to change and adapt from this point forward, and certain values and incompatibilities will have to be addressed.November 4, 2014 at 1:55 pm #67329
I’m someone who listens to all genres of music and heavy metal is one of them. I appreciate the musicality of heavy metal, the complex instrumentation and talented singing, and how rousing and high-energy it is. It’s true that the lyrics can be negative though, which is why I try to branch and listen to more upbeat/cheerful music every now and then. There’s nothing wrong with heavy metal music, it’s part of a balanced musical diet!October 27, 2014 at 12:52 pm #66882
I once read an advice column that explained that unfortunately, for some of us, someone turned the difficultly level on the video game of life to Extreme. It’s tough, it’s a challenge, but I don’t think the point is to beat the game, that’s not what life is about. The point is to give it your best effort, to try your best and know that given the circumstances you’ve done the most that you could do.
It’s okay to be in your 30s and not Have It Together. I have friends who were moved out and working and married at 25. I have friends who are 37 and unemployed living with their elderly parents. Comparing your life to others is the easiest way to kill any gratitude for your own successes. Compare your life now to where you were 5 or 10 years ago. You don’t need to follow the script others or society gives you, follow what makes sense to your own heart.October 6, 2014 at 12:37 pm #66053
Lots of hugs, Sapna! You are so incredibly courageous and amazing for picking up everything and moving to Ireland! It could not have been an easy decision. I can only imagine how terribly isolating it is to be an expatriate in a foreign country (especially a European one!) Loneliness is so hard, it’s a feeling I’m well-acquainted with. What has helped me deal with the feeling is: 1) Forcing myself to be social even when I don’t think it’ll be worth it, and 2) Relishing the time I spend by myself.
Also, I just found this article and it made me think of you: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/02/its-ok-to-be-single/ I know what it’s like to be a woman of Indian heritage and have the weight of family and society saying they know what’s best for you. I was recently thinking to back when I was maybe 25 or 26 and telling my parents I wasn’t ready to find someone, and they did not think I was being realistic about marriage and life. Now I’m 33 and so very glad I took so much time learning about myself and relishing who I am as an individual. I have grown so much and none of that would have come without relishing my solitude; without that growth, I would not be in the kind of relationship that involves both compromise and standing up for myself. Being alone has made me a better partner!
Wishing you peace and clarity and that your true path is illuminated!September 30, 2014 at 10:07 am #65797
Wouldn’t you rather be with someone who leaps at the chance to be with you every single day, as opposed to someone you have to emotionally manipulate into staying? Forget this guy, honey. I know you say he’s your soulmate, but people who want to be with you will act like they want to be with you, and relationships go both ways.
You do yourself a disservice by trying to play backhanded games, if you really want this man in your life, you should show courage and vulnerability and lay your words bare for him, and if he doesn’t respond in kind, move on.September 26, 2014 at 10:17 am #65609
There was recently a post on one of my favourite advice blogs Captain Awkward titled thusly: “stop auditioning for the approval of people who do not like you”. It must be so incredibly draining and emotionally devastating to deal with, take the fact that they are cutting you out as a blessing in disguise.
That being said, it definitely says a lot that your husband has not spoken to his family regarding their grossly unfair behaviour. Part of being married/in a partnership is having each other’s back, being a team. It’s okay to love your family, but loving them at the expense of your significant other’s mental and emotional health is disrespectful and cowardly.
Petra, whatever you decide to do, I hope it brings you peace! You do not deserve to be treated like this!September 16, 2014 at 10:46 am #64965
I think it says a lot that I was confused by your post, because it sounded like you were writing a letter to an ex, but you said you are marrying this woman which made no sense considering the extremely resentful and hurt content of your letter. You are not ready to marry this woman. But if you do decide to go ahead with marriage, I suggest you do some individual and couples counselling to help move past your experiences and into a loving partnership.August 12, 2014 at 10:47 am #63197
Thank you for sharing your stories, it takes a lot of courage to do so! I just wanted to let you know that in my experience (I’ve been on BC for almost 15 years now) ALL antibiotics reduce the effectiveness of birth control, it’s simply irresponsible for a doctor to tell someone otherwise! D: