June 30, 2014 at 8:59 am #59944InfiniteParticipant
Well, as much as I would like to think that I am a perfect person, I am definitely not. There are a few secrets that I live with – and I worry what certain people would think if they knew the truth about me. I’m sharing this with you now in hopes that it will lighten some of the burden of keeping it to myself.
1. I am turned on by and masturbate to humiliation porn. I don’t know what it is, or where it started, but for some reason a fetish of mine is when a girl verbally teases me – for example, saying I’m a “loser” or that I’m “addicted” to her perfect body. A brand of this that I am particularly ashamed of is “home wrecker” porn. I am in a committed relationship of several years, and I love my girlfriend very much, but I am aroused by porn in which an extremely attractive women “makes a bet” or something and intends to seduce me in spite of me being in a relationship. There’s something that turns me on about the idea of not being able to resist it.
When I am with my girlfriend, we usually satisfy all of each other’s sexual needs… we have a LOT of sex. So I don’t watch the porn when I am with her. But my job requires that I travel, and will occasionally spend 1-2 months away. That’s when I will watch it.
I have never cheated on my girlfriend, and I have a very strong boundary against it, but I would be lying if I said that I’ve never been afraid that it could happen / aroused by the possibility.
Anyway, I don’t know how I would ever tell my girlfriend that I have these feelings. She is working through insecurity / self-worth issues of her own, and I fear that telling her this would give her a mental breakdown. No one knows about it but me. I feel that it’s a shameful thing to do, but it feels good, so I keep doing it in secret. That’s my first shame story.
2. My girlfriend and I have had an abortion. She has been on the birth control pill since we’ve been dating, and after being assured by a doctor that prescribed her antibiotics that they wouldn’t effect it, we found out that she was pregnant. Neither of us has a stable job, and we felt that we couldn’t muster the time or financial support in order to properly nourish a child. We decided that we would get an abortion, and try again in a year or two when we had a more stable living situation.
My parents had a teen pregnancy, and my mom had my older brother when she was only 16. She and my father struggled through those years, having my older sister 2 years later, and me in another 2 years. They worked hard, and my mom went to medical school through it, eventually becoming a doctor. They have a really inspiring story.
I know my parents are pro-life. I never told them about our abortion. I feel so much shame when I think about telling them. How can I justify doing that, when they struggled through their early lives just to give me life? How could they ever understand? It hurts me to imagine how they would feel. That’s why I’m planning to wait until we have our first child to tell them the truth.
So those are my two shame secrets. Maybe one day I’ll get the courage to share them with the people who matter most, although the thought of it really scares me. Thanks for giving me an outlet to share the truth.June 30, 2014 at 9:36 am #59947MattParticipant
Thank you for sharing, and I’m sorry you carry such a burden of shame for who you are. Its unnecessary, things happen, allure us. Like an itch that pesters us until we’re free of it… there’s a need you have that is filled by such things. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Why tell your parents? To make you feel better? That’s rude! If they have strong attachments to their views, it may trouble them. You don’t have to tell them, your choices are between you and nature, and forgiveness and freedom from such choices is within. Grieve the loss, be done. They don’t need to hear that you pooped this morning, either. Ya know? The abortion choice doesn’t somehow define you. Nothing to share.
For the porn, it could be a number of things. My guess is that you have all this tension inside you about what “perfect” means, and because you’re not that, feel cruddy. Almost like you’re undeserving of a woman’s tender grace, and so she has to blert out how you feel about yourself, almost as though then, she is clearly accepting the “real you”. Said differently, you have a strong sex drive, and like sex, women. Yep, you’re a guy, get over it. 🙂 Keep the drool off your chin, be respectful, but play!
Part of the tension might be the “machismo” garbage fed into males. As though it is weak to surrender to a woman, to set down the hunter/conqueror, and accept just how amazing, alluring, sexy, and beautiful they are. They drive us nuts, and thats good, OK, part of the design. Why deny it? Appreciate it instead… they’re darn good at it! Perhaps if you felt comfortable with that, accepted that as part of your perfection, even with all the hooha it causes, you wouldn’t have to experience such extreme poking to feel safe enough to surrender. Or, maybe humiliation is just your thing, which is OK too, if you can experience it without feeling shitty later.
For the cheating thoughts, its normal, and just born of impatience with your sex drive. Don’t tend them, such as watching a movie in your brain with popcorn and tissues. Not that its bad, but it can interrupt your feeling of dedication to your partner, which is where the deeper joy of sex blossoms. Giving up the lesser for the greater. You are hers, right? So be hers, mind and body, as best you can. If you’re on the road, consider a fantasy of her… or if you feel like porn is needed, instead of “wow, I wish that pornstar was doing that to me”, consider an attitude of “wow, I wish my partner was here to do that to me”. If you can be patient, and just wait, your energy can stabilize, swell like a balloon, making your reuniting with her quite a spectacle. But do whatever you wish, dear brother, you’re OK, and will find your unique balance if you keep watching your desires and thoughts.
Namaste, brother, may your self contention ease.
MattAugust 12, 2014 at 10:47 am #63197JadeParticipant
Thank you for sharing your stories, it takes a lot of courage to do so! I just wanted to let you know that in my experience (I’ve been on BC for almost 15 years now) ALL antibiotics reduce the effectiveness of birth control, it’s simply irresponsible for a doctor to tell someone otherwise! D: