October 4, 2014 at 4:45 pm #65989Sapnap3Participant
I haven’t written on TB for a while but I am having a tough time lately and thought I would ask my dear friends on TB to help (cause you always do). I turned 32 a day ago. There are so many things in my life that i am grateful for. I feel like a whiny little B* to complain but you know how it goes. I moved to Ireland a couple of months ago to pursue an MBA. I quit my job, put my condo out on rent and said goodbye to everything familiar. Now I have to be honest, this new adventurous journey started for a man. I was trying to get over a man who broke my heart (which is what got me started on TB) and took a trip to Ireland to mend my heart. I met someone who was basically the opposite of my ex. We cautiously fell in love but more I got closer to moving to Ireland to get closer to him and to pursue a degree, the more our codependency came to light. I know I am a codependent. In fact I repeat the CODA mantra to myself everyday “God give me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change. Strength to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference”.
The man i was with is a codependent and has been hiding behind his friendships to never discover who he is. Needless to say, it was a very bad relationship with me trying to heel from my disease and him never acknowledging his. Why I am asking for help today because I am very lonely. I am so hopelessly envious of everyone around me. I have a MBA class of great people and all I can think about is that I am single and lonely. There are smart girls in my class and I see them putting in their 100% to the course and I say to myself “of course they can give it their all. They have supporting, loving families to go home to…I have no one”. I keep clinging to the man i mentioned above. We are friends now but honestly i don’t even enjoy hanging out with him because he is so codependent but I still do because some company is better than none. He isn’t a bad person but we bring out the worst in each other.
My self confidence is shattered since I move here. I feel unpretty and dumb. I have come such long way since my break up 18 months ago but I keep feeling like this. I keep thinking about my previous ex who left me shattered. I keep thinking about how I messed everything up between us because of my codependency. I understand that I keep living in the past because I don’t want to be present because its lonely here. I don’t know what to do? I know I have to accept myself and love myself before looking outward but what can i do when all my mind can think of is about finding someone? I meditate and journal regularly but i am still left feeling empty everyday because culture here is so different. People are in their friend circles which they have created from school, work or from their home countries. There seem to be clicks made where it is almost impossible for a stranger to get in. Apologies for being all over the place here but i am very distraught and really don’t have anyone else to talk to but you guys.
Thank you for reading
SOctober 4, 2014 at 6:35 pm #65991@Jasmine-3Participant
@nodreamz30 Hi Sapnap3
Happy belated birthday 🙂 How exciting to turn 32 !!!
Personally, I feel that you are not on the right life path of where you need to be. You are on an outward journey of running away from things and that’s not where you will find the peace that you heart seeks.
Indulge in a journey where you are the most important person in your life. Tend to your needs with love and kindness. Once your inner video changes, your outer film will change accordingly and your emptiness will disappear.
When we want something, we always find a way to make it work. When we don’t need something or do not want something, we find excuses such as different culture, people have their own circles etc. Once you start to become kinder to self, you will not be so harsh on others and making friends or infiltrating into established circles will be a breeze.
Start with a new plan for yourself – I will be true to myself and be honest with all my feelings. I will be kind to myself. I will leave the judgements of self and others at the door. I deserve my very special place in this world as there is no other Sapnap3. Peace and happiness is ME.
We don’t need much to be happy in this world. What everyone eventually needs is a meaning and purpose for their existence. Find yours without running away from things and people.
Good luck and please know you are not alone in this difficult time. You WILL emerge stronger and brighter from all these incidents 🙂 I read somewhere that a straight road doesn’t make skilful drivers. Lets hope this resonates with you.
JasmineOctober 5, 2014 at 2:31 pm #66012Sapnap3Participant
Thank you for your wise words Jasmine. Alas, I can’t change my path now. I am already very invested in my move to a new country and already here. I know getting my degree is a great thing but I was running away from my pain. My ex hurt me so much that prematurely I thought I have outgrown the pain. I got attention from men in Ireland and I took that as my self esteem getting better. As a woman of Indian descent, I am always told by my family and relatives that my purpose in life is to find a husband and have kids. I have pretended to not care for any of that in front of them for so long that I forgot that those views are engraved in my brain. Every partner, every friend has been looked upon as a “knight in shining armor” by me. Finally someone here to rescue me from a lifetime of loneliness that my mother promises I’ll have if I don’t lower my standards and get arranged married.
I don’t know where to begin to heal myself. There are childhood traumas and adult traumas. Throughout all of them I have only blamed myself. I know I have been judging others because I have been judging myself. All the meditation, all the self help books, self nurturing spa trips, international travels, shopping, etc will never erase the words my family has engraved in my head….”you will be alone rest of your life because you are stubborn”. Due to these “Teachings”, I find love outwards and make sure I push it away to fulfill mine and my family’s prophecy.
I did take your advice and set a goal for myself. Hopefully it is achievable. I am still in pain but I know I will prevail. Thank you again for listening and replying back.
SOctober 5, 2014 at 5:30 pm #66015@Jasmine-3Participant
I didn’t mean the path in that way. You have started MBA and you should finish it. You have moved to a new country only recently and you should give it a full shot before calling it quits. What I meant was that you are running away from your right path of self love.
Judgments, self doubt, negativity, low self confidence, blaming parents for harsh words – all take you away from where you really need to be. Does this make it more clear ?
Yes, you are in pain and you will prevail. The choice remains in your hands whether you wish to prevail by being in pain or without pain. If you choose to move forward without pain, then you need to forgive your parents and your society for conditioning your mind to think in a fashion, which doesn’t agree with you.
There is an awesome Indian spiritual leader by the name of BK Shivani who talks about the same life issues that you are going through. Perhaps, you need to google her to learn more about her and listen to some of her you tubes. I believe they will assist you greatly on your inner journey.
JOctober 5, 2014 at 5:34 pm #66016MattParticipant
Its good to hear from you, and I’m sorry its uncomfortable over there. This whole Sapna family prophecy stuff is hogwash… even though it can feel “carved in”, its still only a habit that can be abandoned, and healed. Its not permanent, inherent, or destined… its more like an accent. Consider a different view. You broke free. Had to fly away, move away, but you did it! Now, of course, there is the hermit, the cave where we go to learn self reliance. Don’t despair, dear sister, you’re stronger than you think, and we all need help from time to time. A few things came to heart as I read your words.
Consider how its good that you didn’t get to just cycle into another relationship. Really, sis, its important to feel OK alone. And here you are, in a far off land, surrounded by lots of new and interesting places to explore. I have a close friend that went to Ireland to find himself, and by and large he did. Old energy there, and festive. 🙂 The whole “relationship maze” becomes a lot easier when we find our own heartsong (such as befriending yourself, instead of judging) learning to treat ourselves more kindly, and so on. Sometimes the best way to untangle a knot is to step away, rekindle our own light, and regroup. That’s why the hermit goes into the cave… to get some space between herself and the situation, find her lightness of step.
Said differently, consider dropping the maze, sis, and go explore. Go find some old trees and give them a hug. 🙂 The answers your heart seeks are perhaps found more easily in nature than in people. Especially with codependency habits lurking. Take a break, breathe, give it some time. Sapna the Bold, off on her greatest adventure!
MattOctober 6, 2014 at 12:37 pm #66053JadeParticipant
Lots of hugs, Sapna! You are so incredibly courageous and amazing for picking up everything and moving to Ireland! It could not have been an easy decision. I can only imagine how terribly isolating it is to be an expatriate in a foreign country (especially a European one!) Loneliness is so hard, it’s a feeling I’m well-acquainted with. What has helped me deal with the feeling is: 1) Forcing myself to be social even when I don’t think it’ll be worth it, and 2) Relishing the time I spend by myself.
Also, I just found this article and it made me think of you: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/02/its-ok-to-be-single/ I know what it’s like to be a woman of Indian heritage and have the weight of family and society saying they know what’s best for you. I was recently thinking to back when I was maybe 25 or 26 and telling my parents I wasn’t ready to find someone, and they did not think I was being realistic about marriage and life. Now I’m 33 and so very glad I took so much time learning about myself and relishing who I am as an individual. I have grown so much and none of that would have come without relishing my solitude; without that growth, I would not be in the kind of relationship that involves both compromise and standing up for myself. Being alone has made me a better partner!
Wishing you peace and clarity and that your true path is illuminated!