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Moral Dilemma, Don't Know What to Do

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  • #86947
    Joel
    Participant

    Let me preface this by giving some information about my relationship. My girlfriend and I have been dating for two years and have a very healthy and, in my opinion, successful relationship. We both still live at home (with our parents) as we both go to a school located in our city and it’s much cheaper to stay with them than it would be to move out.

    At around the year mark in our relationship we decided that sex was something we wanted to be a part of it, and as such we should be as safe as possible. So my girlfriend got an IUD device and all has been well. However recently we have ran into some obstacles that we did not expect.

    Her parents are both extremely Catholic while we are both atheist/read the occasional Buddhist book and partake in this site. They have said that they trust us and that they expect us not to engage in sex until we are married. Up until this point it had been a well kept secret that we were having sex. However, last week we went back to her place while her parents were away and I dropped my wallet on the ground which her dad found later that night. Him and myself met last night and talked about it and straight up lied to his face about what we were doing and our sexual history.

    How can I fix this, it seems like any option ends in someone getting hurt. If I tell her parents the truth they will quite literally forbid me from seeing their daughter until we afford to live on our own. If I don’t tell them I have to face the overwhelming guilt of lying to them whenever I see them. What do I do?

    #86950
    jock
    Participant

    Don’t do it at her parents place for a start, as you may leave further evidence and out of respect to their wishes. True they can’t force you not to have sex but would you expect their assistance, should she get pregnant?
    I hope you guys get away with having a good time together though. If you had financial independence and your own place to stay, I’d say, the parents had no case to answer and no reason to interfere.
    I’d say you don’t have to tell them the truth of what happened unless you really have to.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by jock.
    #86952
    Joel
    Participant

    I agree with you there and we have learned from our mistakes in that respect. I think my question is more, how do we move foreword in this situation?

    #86953
    jock
    Participant

    You might’ve missed my edited post there. You may have to keep it a secret further if it is OK with your girlfriend. Until you move out of the house.
    Are you content with keeping it a secret? Is she? If sex is really important to both of you, you need to get a job and move out. I’m assuming you are old enough to leave school/college. Your age is relevant in this discussion.
    If you are young and still in high school and sex is very important to you, I suggest you find another girlfriend. But if your relationship is more important than the sex, then, go celibate until you are independent.

    #86958
    Joel
    Participant

    At this point we can keep a secret, but the moral weight of it will definitely be hard for her. Right now we aren’t in a financial situation to move out, we are already in crazy debt cause of school and our only income are casual jobs we can fit outside of school.

    #86976
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Joel:

    Is her father a decent guy? If so, his trust in you is precious. You don’t want to violate something precious, valuable. I would say for as long as she lives in her father’s house, stop having sex there or anywhere else.

    anita

    #86977
    anita
    Participant

    And don’t tell him you already had sex with her- if you were Catholic, Confession would be the place to tell. Accept that you did something wrong and endure the guilt, then let it go and do the right thing now.
    anita

    #87224
    Jade
    Participant

    Ah Catholic guilt, I know thee well. My parents and my husband’s parents are also Catholic. My parents are much less strict than his though.

    When we were dating, there was an unspoken assumption from both sets of parents that we would not have sex or live together unless we got married. But neither of us were even virgins when we met (granted, we were both 29 at that point, so it wasn’t unreasonable that we’d had sex before) and we had an excellent sex life that we never admitted to ANYONE in the family (well, I told my sister but she’s and I are the same level of “religion doesn’t get to dictate my sexuality”)

    You guys are doing NOTHING WRONG by having a sexual component to your relationship, it’s a healthy thing to do when you’re committed to someone else. We accepted that we wouldn’t be able to live together until we got married, but we just lied for 3 years about having sex.

    I would suggest talking with your GF about the guilt. Early on in our relationship, me and my now husband talked about what parts of Catholicism we embraced and what parts seemed wrong to us. It put us on the same page regarding where our morality stood.

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