Dear peach456:

Welcome to the club of the complaining wives, wives complaining about hard working, faithful husbands.

Let’s see about your list of complaints:

1) Your husband is away from you too many hours making money to support you. (shame on him for attending to earning a living instead of accomplishing the impossible: attending to you and to work, and being at two different places at the same time).

2) He sleeps too late on his days off. Again, the selfishness, to sleep late on his days off. How dare he be tired?

3) He likes to watch TV and films. Again, selfish.

4) He resists doing new things… but wait, so do you, this is why you are not making NEW friends and doing new things in your new location, isn’t it?

5) He is responsible for your anxiety and depression, your loneliness and boredom.

And this is after eight years of knowing him. No wonder men live significantly shorter lives than women.

Change your attitude, be his best friend, accept his imperfections and your own! Work with him, not against him. Have some empathy for him. Stop giving him a hard time. Take care of yourself. He is not your father and you are not his minor child. Your mental health is not HIS responsibility. Have some mercy on him.

If you can’t do these things, leave him alone. Let him be. You will be doing him a favor.

which will it be?

anita

Hello, I’m new to this. This is for Anita, your reply showed no empathy what so ever. Are you married?

This is a tough situation, you have my sympathies Peach! I’ve got no doubt that moving to a new place is a big source of your frustrations. Even though it’s your husband you’d rather be spending time with, I advise you still put in some effort to cultivate your own separate interests and hobbies in your new city. Make new friends! Try new things! You might find that once you do, you won’t feel so dependent on your husband to fulfill 100% of your emotional needs.

But of course, it’s important to feel connected to our partners. My husband and me have a similar pattern as you and your husband. My hubby is content to stay at home all day in pajamas watching Netflix, I’m more of a “see places, do things” person. We take turns doing what the other wants as a compromise, with the rule that NO COMPLAINING allowed! If he’s going to come with me to the aquarium/museum/etc. and complain the whole time, I’d rather be alone. 😛

Is it possible that he’s acting the way he is because his job is so stressful, so he just wants to “switch off” his brain when he gets home? In the end, I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel, and see if you can brainstorm some kind of solution together.

Dear Bina:

You wrote that you didn’t have good role models and it is not an excuse- not having role models, coming from a family with an alcoholic father who abused your mother, a home where you didn’t get what you needed-is an excuse, or a reason. WHERE are you supposed to learn how to evaluate people and situations and function effectively if not in your childhood home?

Don’t be hard on yourself, then, for not having had a healthy marriage. Have empathy for yourself (!) for not getting the love and skills that you needed as a child, entering the adult world (as I have) unprepared.

anita

Hellu, I saw what you wrote and eventually found myself figuring things out for you, I spent like sixty to ninety minutes on this but I felt like doing it anyway so lol
I started with getting all the information I could and rearranging it into something that makes sense. So yeah, after reading and especially UNDERSTANDING all I wrote below you should have a different perspective on things (or I hope at least lel)
Click the link on Orange and tell me if I were right in assuming this personality colour :$ 🙂
Some of the things I wrote may be controversial or straight-up ignorant of any human feeling, just know I don’t mean anything bad by it, I was just trying to right everything as clearly as possible 🙂

Orange
http://www.empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com/personality-color-orange.html

Interaction, activities: LOVE

Her: sitting at home, bored, lack and need of socialization, no available contact, stirring crazy
(Aspect of Orange: being acceptant of people just the way they are)

Him: (presumably: workaholic, lazy) works loads [why idk], no need for more intimacy, close-minded, stubborn, not easily persuaded, doesn’t like to try new things (sits in front of tv duh :p)

Base of the problem: need for social and physical challenges – UNFULFILLED
No solution is popping up by itself, linking to that the situation is serious (Stand-off)

Asking for help on a public forum rather than to the man himself: no direct emotional expression
It’s all good and well asking to do things together, but does he know your stirring crazy? To the point where you would, after yet several years, would consider leaving him? Does he know?

Categorization: Gnawing Need –> Solution must be found
A gnawing need problem works its way to something inevitably bad bad

Visible solutions
Divorce
Continuation

Not on a option (in order of importance)
#1 Continuation (Living with gnawing need just simply doesn’t work)
#2 Divorce

Attempts for change
Asking to do something together
Asking to go out and drink something together
Mentioning reliving holidays, talking about holidays
Time period: quite long really…

Eye to eye: Low to Medium

Obvious solutions: Tell him that you’re not asking this without a reason, point out that his behaviour causes you much inside fraying, that you feel you can’t live with it in time, at which point all things come to a close anyway
Something has to change in his way of living!!!
It also seems he’s not aware of your feelings, make sure he cares about them

I would say if I were God, give him a job with less work for one.
And have a family planning, so you two can plan fixed activities that you have every a week at a fixed time. This will at least give you something to look forward to :/ which will reduce the gnawing, and that will do for now.
But you need to change your relationship as a whole, sacrifices are going to have to be made, so don’t ignore that fixed fact.
By that I mean he’s going to have to change his attitude towards new things. And although this never happens.. you need to take charge more. He needs to start listening to you.

But anyway, start with having one weekly activity that you do every week together, start with that.
Alternatively you can find someone new, but suggesting it I mean.. who am I to suggest, right?
Eight years might be long, but trying again can be easier in some cases, though from what you described I don’t see why that should happen 🙂
It’s a last resource.

Hope this helps, cheers 🙂

* quinmartin:

I see you registered into this forum three hours ago and already on the offensive, a commentator on this thread on the offensive against another commentator, me, calling me the N word, Narcissist.

First, I would like to welcome you to this forum and hope you post here as much as you would like and find helpful to you and to others. Second, I hope you don’t make it a habit to … prosecute or persecute those giving comments on the post/s of the Original Poster (OP).

As far as my first response to the OP, yes I realize later, and more so this morning, before getting to the computer, that I was offensive/ aggressive, on the attack against the OP. I do stand by the content which I repeated in a non aggressive version above, yesterday.

To the OP:

MY APOLOGIES for my aggression in my first comment to you. This aggression on my part is in contradiction to my deep beliefs and in contradiction to who I am. I regret it and intend, in the future, be still 100% honest, direct, non apologetic, but not again aggressive (unless personally attacked or witnessing an attack on an innocent party).

anita