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  • #88179
    Lucy
    Participant

    Hi All!
    I’ve never done one of these before but would be great to hear some of your thoughts. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 8 years. We got married last year! However, recently I am feeling anxious and stressed. He works away a lot, and even when he’s working from home it’s very long hours. I completely trust him and that’s not the issue at all – it’s simply the massive amount of time we spend apart – I don’t think I can take it any more! I’m quite a recluse and find it hard to make new friends. We moved to a new area 10 months ago – so the changes, being away from family, are probably having an effect too. Also, having been together a long time, I know relationships have their ups and downs. However, when we spend time together it can be difficult. We’ve had some great holidays over the years together, but I would like to spend more of our free time together doing quality activities. I also like to get up early while he likes to sleep in. Because he’s tired from his job, mostly what he wants to do in his free time is watch TV or films. I feel like there’s something missing – while I’ve often thought I should pursue more active things on my own, I want to do those things with my partner. We climbed Ben Nevis over the summer, and I have persuaded him to go on more walks with me over the years, but sometimes it’s just such a big effort! He can be very critical of doing anything new – and stubborn too. We used to go to music nights, but we haven’t done anything like that in a long time either. He goes to the pub after work, but would never go out for a drink with me because he says he hates pubs – I just want a change of scenery! It’s a busy time of year for him and I know there’ll be time ahead to do things together – I just feel my patience is so frayed after all these years. Then when we have time together, there’s this pressure – I want to go out and do things, but he doesn’t want to, and then my frustration ruins our day. It has happened on holiday too – at a city break with friends, I want to go and experience everything, but he doesn’t want to get out of bed. While he has gone on walks with me, he is incredibly stubborn most of the time. When it’s good, it’s a great relationship, but when it’s bad – it’s me feeling like I’m waiting for him to be in the mood to do things with me. He is great fun, but can also be a huge cynic and quite mean about other people. I don’t know whether our differences, which may have been more obvious earlier had we always been able to spend every day together, just coming out now because most of the time we are apart. I want it to work, but I can’t gauge how I really feel – often I can get quite depressive and this affects my outlook. Sometimes I think it’s a great relationship and sometimes I think it’s doomed….

    #88183
    anita
    Participant

    Dear peach456:

    Welcome to the club of the complaining wives, wives complaining about hard working, faithful husbands.

    Let’s see about your list of complaints:

    1) Your husband is away from you too many hours making money to support you. (shame on him for attending to earning a living instead of accomplishing the impossible: attending to you and to work, and being at two different places at the same time).

    2) He sleeps too late on his days off. Again, the selfishness, to sleep late on his days off. How dare he be tired?

    3) He likes to watch TV and films. Again, selfish.

    4) He resists doing new things… but wait, so do you, this is why you are not making NEW friends and doing new things in your new location, isn’t it?

    5) He is responsible for your anxiety and depression, your loneliness and boredom.

    And this is after eight years of knowing him. No wonder men live significantly shorter lives than women.

    Change your attitude, be his best friend, accept his imperfections and your own! Work with him, not against him. Have some empathy for him. Stop giving him a hard time. Take care of yourself. He is not your father and you are not his minor child. Your mental health is not HIS responsibility. Have some mercy on him.

    If you can’t do these things, leave him alone. Let him be. You will be doing him a favor.

    which will it be?

    anita

    #88209
    Snails
    Participant

    Hi Peach,

    Welcome to TinyBuddha.

    Sleeping in? That’s can mean different things. For my partner, before we had kids, he’d sleep in till 12pm -2pm but now even with the kids getting older, a very good sleep in would be after 8am xD. So of cause this makes a huge difference on how the rest of the day can be spent…what is a ‘sleep in’ to you?

    You say ‘He goes to the pub after work’ .. may I ask how often/week? you don’t have to answer just wondering, because is he having to sleep in both days of the weekend to ‘catch’ up on sleep because he’s been burning both sides of the candles?
    Perhaps discuss a compromise with him? like he can sleep in on one of his days off as long as he wants?? 🙂 but he might set the alarm for a ‘reasonable’ time on the other day he’s off, so you can both enjoy each others company…I agree that a good marriage should not only be work, sleep and tv. It’s not a good habit and can lead to ‘boredom with the partnership’ if it becomes the norm. So some ideas together for ‘some’ quality time together…it’s not an unreasonable request. When my partner has been away and has jet lag, quality time usually ends up being a ‘board game’ and some good talking together for us, bets tv, and he gets to rest at home.

    I can relate to finding it difficult to venture out to meet people as I’m a bit of a recluse myself but I really recommend you give it a go ok, it’s good for you and it’s good for your partner if you also find happiness outside of you two only. Before you moved did you have a hobby or pass time that might help you mingle and get to know a group of like minded people in your new area?

    Best wishes
    Snails

    #88219
    Bina
    Participant

    Hello, I’m new to this. This is for Anita, your reply showed no empathy what so ever. Are you married?

    #88227
    anita
    Participant

    * Bina: my reply showed no empathy to the poster, but it showed empathy for her husband. It is the social convention and myth that many women share and some never grow out of, that marriage should be a Happily Ever state of affairs and every unhappiness the woman feels, she blames the husband for it. No matter what the husband does to please the woman, the woman, the wife will never be pleased or content as long as she expects to be blissfully happy ever after just because she is married.

    Showing empathy for the poster is going to promote this attitude. SHE NEEDS EMPATHY FOR HER HUSBAND for her own good and for his own good. Of course, I didn’t feel empathy for her, the poster so I didn’t express what I didn’t feel.

    The husband, men, many are stuck in very sorry lives because of this happily-ever-after unrealistic expectation of the wives. The men are people too, no different than women. They get hurt also, they feel alone, they are afraid, just like women. They are not the stronger species mentally.

    Of course there are men that take advantage of the social conventions and prey on young, unwell women. I am not referring to those. There are men who cheat, steal, kill, etc, I am not talking about them.

    My point: woman, work together with your man, or leave him alone.

    Yes, I am married. Are you Bina? Would you like to share your story?

    Having stated all this, I will try in the future to be more empathetic to posters, to give certain thoughts time to percolate and produce a feeling of empathy before I respond.

    anita

    #88235
    Jade
    Participant

    This is a tough situation, you have my sympathies Peach! I’ve got no doubt that moving to a new place is a big source of your frustrations. Even though it’s your husband you’d rather be spending time with, I advise you still put in some effort to cultivate your own separate interests and hobbies in your new city. Make new friends! Try new things! You might find that once you do, you won’t feel so dependent on your husband to fulfill 100% of your emotional needs.

    But of course, it’s important to feel connected to our partners. My husband and me have a similar pattern as you and your husband. My hubby is content to stay at home all day in pajamas watching Netflix, I’m more of a “see places, do things” person. We take turns doing what the other wants as a compromise, with the rule that NO COMPLAINING allowed! If he’s going to come with me to the aquarium/museum/etc. and complain the whole time, I’d rather be alone. 😛

    Is it possible that he’s acting the way he is because his job is so stressful, so he just wants to “switch off” his brain when he gets home? In the end, I think you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel, and see if you can brainstorm some kind of solution together.

    #88242
    Bina
    Participant

    Hello Anita, I was married for 22 years. My marriage had added issues being two different cultures and looking back it was a unhealthy marriage. I didn’t have good role model’s growing up, not an excuse, I made the choice. There were so many things I had to work true growing up with an alcoholic father that was abusive toward my mother. As for myself I turned myself upside down to please until there was nothing left but a shell. Ill matched from the beginning, and love doesn’t conquer all. I left, and now we both have a life. We can change and compromise only to certain degree, before we loose ourselves. I think it’s important to enjoy doing things together as a couple, and also both have individual interest’s. I’m not fluent in English I hope you can understand my reply. In the past I have always enjoyed your reply’s. We can’t change others, and sometimes the kindest thing to do, is let go. Bina

    #88245
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bina:

    You wrote that you didn’t have good role models and it is not an excuse- not having role models, coming from a family with an alcoholic father who abused your mother, a home where you didn’t get what you needed-is an excuse, or a reason. WHERE are you supposed to learn how to evaluate people and situations and function effectively if not in your childhood home?

    Don’t be hard on yourself, then, for not having had a healthy marriage. Have empathy for yourself (!) for not getting the love and skills that you needed as a child, entering the adult world (as I have) unprepared.

    anita

    #88251
    anita
    Participant

    Dear peach456:

    a different version of my response to you:

    It is very common for women, especially young women, newly married, to have unrealistic expectations of marriage, an expectation built into our brains with fairy tale stories, books, movies… storied that end with “And they lived happily ever after.”

    It is common for young (and some not so young) women to look at the man they marry as the source of their happiness (when happy) and as the source as their despair (when despairing). The woman looks at the man not as a fellow human being with the same vulnerabilities, the same human mind and heart, struggles and fears, but as an idealized version of a Father Figure.

    The above are delusional thinking that will cause your marriage to be miserable whether it ends or not.

    To promote your own maturity, your own correct thinking and make a good life possible for you, please do not focus on what inconveniences you about your husband, what about his habits and personality is not convenient for you. Instead accept him as the imperfect human that he is, and EQUAL as far as his mental challenges and struggles.

    You know the saying “big boys don’t cry”- well, they do. When they try to not cry and to appear strong, it cuts their lives short. When they try to not cry, they may drink too much and otherwise use whatever they can so to get by, not crying.

    So, help him and ask him to help you, but do help him. Be his best friend. Give him a SAFE place in you and in your home, for him to be comfortably himself. Learn to live with him in peace and gradually communicate more and more about how to be the best Best Friend to each other.

    Best Wishes to you and to your husband:

    anita

    #88273
    Quinn Martin
    Participant

    Hellu, I saw what you wrote and eventually found myself figuring things out for you, I spent like sixty to ninety minutes on this but I felt like doing it anyway so lol
    I started with getting all the information I could and rearranging it into something that makes sense. So yeah, after reading and especially UNDERSTANDING all I wrote below you should have a different perspective on things (or I hope at least lel)
    Click the link on Orange and tell me if I were right in assuming this personality colour :$ 🙂
    Some of the things I wrote may be controversial or straight-up ignorant of any human feeling, just know I don’t mean anything bad by it, I was just trying to right everything as clearly as possible 🙂

    Orange
    http://www.empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com/personality-color-orange.html

    Interaction, activities: LOVE

    Her: sitting at home, bored, lack and need of socialization, no available contact, stirring crazy
    (Aspect of Orange: being acceptant of people just the way they are)

    Him: (presumably: workaholic, lazy) works loads [why idk], no need for more intimacy, close-minded, stubborn, not easily persuaded, doesn’t like to try new things (sits in front of tv duh :p)

    Base of the problem: need for social and physical challenges – UNFULFILLED
    No solution is popping up by itself, linking to that the situation is serious (Stand-off)

    Asking for help on a public forum rather than to the man himself: no direct emotional expression
    It’s all good and well asking to do things together, but does he know your stirring crazy? To the point where you would, after yet several years, would consider leaving him? Does he know?

    Categorization: Gnawing Need –> Solution must be found
    A gnawing need problem works its way to something inevitably bad bad

    Visible solutions
    Divorce
    Continuation

    Not on a option (in order of importance)
    #1 Continuation (Living with gnawing need just simply doesn’t work)
    #2 Divorce

    Attempts for change
    Asking to do something together
    Asking to go out and drink something together
    Mentioning reliving holidays, talking about holidays
    Time period: quite long really…

    Eye to eye: Low to Medium

    Obvious solutions: Tell him that you’re not asking this without a reason, point out that his behaviour causes you much inside fraying, that you feel you can’t live with it in time, at which point all things come to a close anyway
    Something has to change in his way of living!!!
    It also seems he’s not aware of your feelings, make sure he cares about them

    I would say if I were God, give him a job with less work for one.
    And have a family planning, so you two can plan fixed activities that you have every a week at a fixed time. This will at least give you something to look forward to :/ which will reduce the gnawing, and that will do for now.
    But you need to change your relationship as a whole, sacrifices are going to have to be made, so don’t ignore that fixed fact.
    By that I mean he’s going to have to change his attitude towards new things. And although this never happens.. you need to take charge more. He needs to start listening to you.

    But anyway, start with having one weekly activity that you do every week together, start with that.
    Alternatively you can find someone new, but suggesting it I mean.. who am I to suggest, right?
    Eight years might be long, but trying again can be easier in some cases, though from what you described I don’t see why that should happen 🙂
    It’s a last resource.

    Hope this helps, cheers 🙂

    #88275
    Quinn Martin
    Participant

    I only read the rest of the discussion after writing my own, the last two lines of Jade mention the same thing I recommended 🙂
    Anita, no offense but come on.. for one be a bit sympathetic, look for solutions, not listing problems that have nothing to do with it. If that were it that would be great, but your posts were unnecessarily offensive, hurting and cold. Your arguments are unsupported, but most importantly you Think you know it all but you can’t.. This is a paragraph written by a person you’ve never known.. how are you to explain their every problem and even have the guts to blame someone.

    You can’t be sure of that :/ start with what you know, then move on to solutions 🙂 but don’t read and.. not really deduct but simply know already by reading. Keep an open mind, you think you know everything but you don’t, I don’t either, that’s not only because no-one’s God, but simply because you can’t know the full backstory from one paragraph

    Why not take a look at this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

    #88278
    anita
    Participant

    * quinmartin:

    I see you registered into this forum three hours ago and already on the offensive, a commentator on this thread on the offensive against another commentator, me, calling me the N word, Narcissist.

    First, I would like to welcome you to this forum and hope you post here as much as you would like and find helpful to you and to others. Second, I hope you don’t make it a habit to … prosecute or persecute those giving comments on the post/s of the Original Poster (OP).

    As far as my first response to the OP, yes I realize later, and more so this morning, before getting to the computer, that I was offensive/ aggressive, on the attack against the OP. I do stand by the content which I repeated in a non aggressive version above, yesterday.

    To the OP:

    MY APOLOGIES for my aggression in my first comment to you. This aggression on my part is in contradiction to my deep beliefs and in contradiction to who I am. I regret it and intend, in the future, be still 100% honest, direct, non apologetic, but not again aggressive (unless personally attacked or witnessing an attack on an innocent party).

    anita

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