Quinn Martin

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    Quinn Martin

    “I’ve tried to be optimistic and tell him that he’s been down this road before and he persevered.. that it’s not his time yet and together we can get through this.” this sounds very good πŸ™‚ you seem to have the right idea on how to cheer someone up

    But like you said it’s something deeper, when figuring out anything deep finding out someone’s childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, and the relationship with their primary caregivers is a great place to start.

    I’m interested in if he was like this when you met him? Did he blame things on external objects when you met him? How old are you both now and were you when you met?

    Yet still these are all distractive questions from what Anita mentioned which is, how is the relationship with his parents?

    That’s a great place to start, then write your reply here and we’ll get back to you as soon as we can.

    Quinn Martin

    Ah, all right, that’s interesting. Thanks for answering back πŸ™‚
    As for updated advice cause of this new info you should still move on.
    Also if you need more help you can always ask me : )

    You’ll get through it πŸ™‚ and you have plenty of people here supporting you. I know you’ll make the right choice <3
    And if you want to talk to me even more just ask for my social medias, I’d be happy to give them.

    Quinn Martin

    “The reason it is clearly the answer is because you wrote: β€œHe then said…(that) he want nothing to do with me and that he was blocking my number.”- he clearly said he wants nothing to do with you, so you have to respect that and have nothing to do with him.” -Anita
    Yeayeayea, that may be true and although I do agree with it there are a thousand other ways he could’ve said that or explained things. If you both lead each other on equally and then the one drops it’s not bad in my book, and that he ignored her isn’t the end of the world for me, but when you confront them with it and they simply give you the “goodbye” message then that is kinda crossing the line, the least you could do is give an explanation, but if he won’t, and he’s not prepared to listen, then yes you gotta just accept it and move on : P


    You should just move on. I mean the least he can do is believe you, from what I can tell you wouldn’t’ve worked out (sorry if that hurts) so don’t think you’re missing out on anything. Also another something came to my attention that is NOT deductable from your message. Exactly HOW did the flirting start? There’s a difference between flirting after having reached a certain comfortable stage after one, three and five days in itself. Someone who sees more in you will generally take steps more slowly to give themselves time to go in, generally people who see less in you could flirt on you from the first day, it really all depends, and this kind of stuff I’m not saying from experience, but from intuition combined with stories, so I could be wrong.

    Also if you want to contact me on other social medias except here just ask o: would it be hypocritical to say I like you xD I think so :$ but still. If you need any more advice from me just ask πŸ™‚ I’m here for you <3

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Quinn Martin.
    Quinn Martin

    Well, uh.. I’ll give an answer proportionally accurate with the amount of information I have received but from what I can tell why wouldn’t it be okay to let him know you would want to try again.

    Thing is here though, I didn’t receive any information concerning his personality, from the little info I have received about him he just sounds like a totally fine guy, though he could just as well be a total douchebag.

    It all depends on his personality hun, also try to assess what he sees in you, I mean I can say whatever I want but if he doesn’t actually see anything in you then who am I to decide for you, you see?

    So try to assess for yourself whether he cares about you. Buh do I really have to explain this to you.
    So basically if he’s always sweet to you but when his male friends come around and he treats you like dirt that’s a preeeeeeeetty obvious red flag.
    And if you want to find out what a person is truly like pay attention to how he treats strangers, or basically anyone he doesn’t “need” to show respect to.

    Hope this helps xDD if you have any more questions you just post them in here πŸ™‚ if I dissapear for months on end again I’m sure Anita will post a reply for you πŸ™‚ see you later.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Quinn Martin.
    Quinn Martin

    Huh, for once I don’t know what to tell you. Though I can tell you that on-and-off relationships in general, already have a bad ingredient >.>

    It’s not wrong to take it out on him, but it is wrong that you didn’t look for an alternative of saying it. If you take it out on him all the time though that’s a big “NO” on your part however >.> losing your temper once is fine, but all the time nuh-uh. Though I also completely agree with Anita that taking your anger out on anyone at all in itself is already a wrong thing. Thing is, I’m a hothead irl so my opinion would differ slightly.

    Seems Anita already deducted the on and off’s might be due to you scaring him away because of all the outbursts, following that train of thought if he saw someone else yet is still coming back to you it must mean he really sees a future in you two together too πŸ™‚ and for that I’m happy for you <3

    You really got to work on keeping that anger down when you burst out with a comment that could hurt him, like Anita said .. well Anita said everything have to do then ;P

    It would do you good to remember that anger ALWAYS has consequences, especially repeated anger.

    And last but not least your daily rule of thumb: “A relationship is only as good as you make it.”

    Hope this helps you

    Quinn Martin

    I feel bad xD Anita is like putting her points up but at least she doesn’t put her judgement in it or the decisions you should make xD I just blatantly flapped out that you should ditch him xD which I don’t take back by the way, it would be best πŸ™‚ but still.. xD

    Also it could work out πŸ™‚ I do see a future where the constant arguing gets so heated that one day it reaches its peak and some pretty traumatizing things happen but afterwards you move on from it and both become better. I also see a future where he learns by himself that yelling is not working at all (with repeated reminders from you) and it slowly becomes less and less himself, though it might take decades.

    Either way you deserve better, or that’s what I’m thinking anyway. It’s not like you have to stick with him but if you’re prepared to live with all that I’m not going to stop you.

    I’m sorry for being so blunt, I just wanted you to have a pretty good idea of what’s best πŸ™‚ (best in my eyes)

    Anita, you’re really going to have to teach me how you do that xD

    Quinn Martin

    Anita is stealing all my points before I get a chance to say them, it’s annoying xD

    Well.. seeing you’re here asking what to do.. kinda means something is seriously wrong..

    For one if he truly loved and cared about you he wouldn’t make you feel guilty and like you’re a terrible person. Like do you need to go on an online forum to figure out that someone who calls you a “bitch” and “doesn’t think he should change that” isn’t a big red flag?

    On the other hand I also feel you’re really lucky as you actually haven’t married him yet and aren’t bound to him by means of a child. Meaning you still have time to think it through and walk away (which you should do by the way), which as Anita said would be best.

    In short, he will continue to yell, and he will continue to find it annoying that you confront him with it, and it will only make him more annoyed at you. And it’ll either break you or it’ll become more and more heated (or both).

    Now for your questions.

    “If you loveΒ someone, aren’tΒ you supposed to accept everything about them?” So let’s say you fall in love with your high school crush and he is a TOTAL douchebag and jerk, is it the right thing then to put up with it? Is that what you’re asking?

    Someone who loves you wouldn’t want you to feel that way, when I someone I care about is feeling bad I just worry and when EYE was the one who caused them to feel bad I just feel ever so bad. And in the time I get mad I’ll always (at the time I’m being mad) try to contain my madness, cause you’ll only do harm. And I’ll ALWAYS apologize afterwards. Has your “wonderful man” ever apologized to you?

    I mean I was reading what you wrote and was like “there are red flags all over this article”, then I got to the part where you said he “doesn’t think he should change” and I’m like “yea that’s someone you gotta ditch”. Like I can see that if you love someone it could be hard to let them go but really, you kind of have to face it he’s not so great.. and he’s going to treat your children exactly the same when he grows up, trust me I talk from experience.

    “Where is the line here? How much can I really ask of him?” Well, clearly you don’t have any way out, it’s like whatever you do he’s always accuses, not matter which approach you take. And “how much can you really ask of him” uh… the minimum? The least someone could do if you’re together with someone is not make them guilt trip about themselves, I mean is that really care, is that really what want?


    I’m sorry for overdoing it, this post really worked up my anger (sorta ironic lmao) xD so I’m sorry if I was hard on you. But seriously, I know you love him but if he doesn’t change for you (and believe me it’s the least he could do) then it kinda shows that he doesn’t really care about you. Like he might care to some extent, but sure as hell FAR FROM 100% >.> Oh and by all means Do NOT tell him to take an anger management class in a heated situation like I’ve seen up above here. Bring it up when he’s calm or not at all, telling him to take an anger management class won’t make him take it, it will only make him more pissed at you.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Quinn Martin. Reason: Found something that might be misinterpreted :)
    Quinn Martin

    “His honesty is an evidence that he truly loves you. Give him freedom to do his responsibility of his job. Long distance relationship may not ruin your relationship, just have a constant communication and always show that you trust him.” -Merriegold

    I agree with Merriegold and from what I can tell of your story it shows all the signs of care, and him saying that you’re free to choose someone else if you like is just him being extremely respectful, from what I can tell he doesn’t want to let you go though I could be wrong.

    Alongside giving him the time he needs make sure to assure him you understand and that if he ever needs you that he can contact you. Also if you’re able to (but that’s just my way of doing things talking) try to get to the bottom of it. Maybe if you seem interested in knowing what he’s been through he’ll be more than happy to let you in, who knows.

    Quinn Martin

    Invest time in seeing eye-to-eye. Get your relationship to a point where she doesn’t have to question your loyalty πŸ™‚
    How? Tell her what she means to you, in every possible way/aspect. Ask yourself how long will she be my girlfriend, how long do I intend to have her, this will probably be forever or a long f_____ time πŸ™‚
    Keep in mind “if you don’t tell her, she doesn’t know” and remember that quote, because it applies for everyone and everything.
    If you have good intentions with her or bad, how is she supposed to know? Well, by building mutual and very True trust. A relationship SHOULD have that you don’t have to question each others trust or loyalty, if you do you still got things to explain and trust to gain.

    So tell her what she means to you right now, within in a year and in your whole lifetime. Tell her what you’re prepared to do to be with her, trust me this is what some people need to be told.. and never get it heard.

    “If you don’t tell her, she doesn’t know”

    Quinn Martin

    I only read the rest of the discussion after writing my own, the last two lines of Jade mention the same thing I recommended πŸ™‚
    Anita, no offense but come on.. for one be a bit sympathetic, look for solutions, not listing problems that have nothing to do with it. If that were it that would be great, but your posts were unnecessarily offensive, hurting and cold. Your arguments are unsupported, but most importantly you Think you know it all but you can’t.. This is a paragraph written by a person you’ve never known.. how are you to explain their every problem and even have the guts to blame someone.

    You can’t be sure of that :/ start with what you know, then move on to solutions πŸ™‚ but don’t read and.. not really deduct but simply know already by reading. Keep an open mind, you think you know everything but you don’t, I don’t either, that’s not only because no-one’s God, but simply because you can’t know the full backstory from one paragraph

    Why not take a look at this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_personality_disorder

    Quinn Martin

    Hellu, I saw what you wrote and eventually found myself figuring things out for you, I spent like sixty to ninety minutes on this but I felt like doing it anyway so lol
    I started with getting all the information I could and rearranging it into something that makes sense. So yeah, after reading and especially UNDERSTANDING all I wrote below you should have a different perspective on things (or I hope at least lel)
    Click the link on Orange and tell me if I were right in assuming this personality colour :$ πŸ™‚
    Some of the things I wrote may be controversial or straight-up ignorant of any human feeling, just know I don’t mean anything bad by it, I was just trying to right everything as clearly as possible πŸ™‚


    Interaction, activities: LOVE

    Her: sitting at home, bored, lack and need of socialization, no available contact, stirring crazy
    (Aspect of Orange: being acceptant of people just the way they are)

    Him: (presumably: workaholic, lazy) works loads [why idk], no need for more intimacy, close-minded, stubborn, not easily persuaded, doesn’t like to try new things (sits in front of tv duh :p)

    Base of the problem: need for social and physical challenges – UNFULFILLED
    No solution is popping up by itself, linking to that the situation is serious (Stand-off)

    Asking for help on a public forum rather than to the man himself: no direct emotional expression
    It’s all good and well asking to do things together, but does he know your stirring crazy? To the point where you would, after yet several years, would consider leaving him? Does he know?

    Categorization: Gnawing Need –> Solution must be found
    A gnawing need problem works its way to something inevitably bad bad

    Visible solutions

    Not on a option (in order of importance)
    #1 Continuation (Living with gnawing need just simply doesn’t work)
    #2 Divorce

    Attempts for change
    Asking to do something together
    Asking to go out and drink something together
    Mentioning reliving holidays, talking about holidays
    Time period: quite long really…

    Eye to eye: Low to Medium

    Obvious solutions: Tell him that you’re not asking this without a reason, point out that his behaviour causes you much inside fraying, that you feel you can’t live with it in time, at which point all things come to a close anyway
    Something has to change in his way of living!!!
    It also seems he’s not aware of your feelings, make sure he cares about them

    I would say if I were God, give him a job with less work for one.
    And have a family planning, so you two can plan fixed activities that you have every a week at a fixed time. This will at least give you something to look forward to :/ which will reduce the gnawing, and that will do for now.
    But you need to change your relationship as a whole, sacrifices are going to have to be made, so don’t ignore that fixed fact.
    By that I mean he’s going to have to change his attitude towards new things. And although this never happens.. you need to take charge more. He needs to start listening to you.

    But anyway, start with having one weekly activity that you do every week together, start with that.
    Alternatively you can find someone new, but suggesting it I mean.. who am I to suggest, right?
    Eight years might be long, but trying again can be easier in some cases, though from what you described I don’t see why that should happen πŸ™‚
    It’s a last resource.

    Hope this helps, cheers πŸ™‚

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