Tough times

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This topic has 23 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years ago by Anonymous.

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November 24, 2015 at 8:23 pm #88255

Anonymous
Inactive

Long story short, My girlfriend is done with her job at the workplace we’re both at. She is going back home tomorrow morning and then moving out of state at the end of December. I will see her for Christmas but after that it’ll be a long time until I can see her again. She is already afraid that I will get lonely or bored and leave her for another girl. That’s not going to happen, I’ve spent all this time invested in her, why would I want to let what we have go? We’ve had our ups and downs just like any other couple out there. But there is no one else that I want to be with. I guess I need advice or guidance on how to convince my girlfriend that I am not going to do what she fears and how to prove it when it’ll be a long distance relationship for at least a year.

November 25, 2015 at 5:04 am #88264
Inky
Participant
Hi Unavailable,

Well, actions speak louder than words. The only way to SHOW her is to move to where she is. That might freak some people out though! LOL!

Aside from that, regular correspondence. But shake it up! Text one day, Skype the next, FB occasionally, call sometimes, send a care package! That’s what I do for my DD, communications at different times in different ways ~ so she knows we really are thinking about her and that it contacting her isn’t part of a boring “routine”.

Another thought ~ in the old days they had Promise Rings. She can also wear (I forget what they call it!) an Irish ring ~ if it points one way she’s available, if it points another way she is seeing someone. Some physical token she can wear and look at.

Good Luck!

Inky
- This reply was modified 9 years ago by Inky.
November 25, 2015 at 8:07 am #88272

Anonymous
Inactive

Inky, thanks for your advice. I definitely will be calling and emailing her everyday. I will take your advice and find other ways to keep in touch with her too. I did get her a promise ring and she wears it around her neck as do I. We even got a tattoo of the day we started dating and I have a heart lock and she has a heart key. So there is another way she should see that I am not going anywhere. If there is anything else you can give me advise on that would be appreciated. Thanks again, and if there is anyone else who could give me some advice too, I would also appreciate it. Thanks.

November 25, 2015 at 8:46 am #88276

Quinn Martin
Participant

Invest time in seeing eye-to-eye. Get your relationship to a point where she doesn’t have to question your loyalty 🙂
How? Tell her what she means to you, in every possible way/aspect. Ask yourself how long will she be my girlfriend, how long do I intend to have her, this will probably be forever or a long f_____ time 🙂
Keep in mind “if you don’t tell her, she doesn’t know” and remember that quote, because it applies for everyone and everything.
If you have good intentions with her or bad, how is she supposed to know? Well, by building mutual and very True trust. A relationship SHOULD have that you don’t have to question each others trust or loyalty, if you do you still got things to explain and trust to gain.

So tell her what she means to you right now, within in a year and in your whole lifetime. Tell her what you’re prepared to do to be with her, trust me this is what some people need to be told.. and never get it heard.

“If you don’t tell her, she doesn’t know”

November 25, 2015 at 9:51 am #88279

Anonymous
Inactive

Quinnmartin,
Thanks so much for your advice. I think it gave me another perspective on it and I think it’ll help me out. I would have to agree with you on that, if you don’t tell someone something they will never know. Thanks again 🙂

November 25, 2015 at 6:02 pm #88293

Anonymous
Inactive

Now she’s talking about if I go to this other job that she’s afraid she’ll get lonely and cheat on me 🙁 Now what am I supposed to do?

November 25, 2015 at 6:45 pm #88300

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Unavailable:

What an interesting development, or maybe not: maybe she is trying to manipulate you to not go to that other job. Can you ask her to tell you more about her fear of getting lonely and cheating on you? Can you ask her how she dealt with being lonely in the past, in her past? What did she do when she was lonely?

Ask her questions. Get to know more about her…

anita

November 25, 2015 at 8:04 pm #88303

Anonymous
Inactive

Anita,
I thought maybe that was it, but its not that at all. I asked her and she told me everything about why she is afraid of that happening. Do you want me to tell you those reasons? Would it help you help me figure it out a little better? Thanks

November 26, 2015 at 5:18 am #88338

Inky
Participant

Aaahhh, the old “I’m afraid you’ll cheat on me because I’m afraid I might cheat on you” line.

OK, truth?

She’s in a new place, with new people, with new experiences, and she’s young. You know what, she might. Hopefully she’d break up with you first.

If you really, really want to keep her in your life, get engaged and move to where she is.

I’m sorry, friend. I’ve been there. I was that girl. In college I saw a hundred outdoorsy guys wearing flannel shirts and baseball caps (it was the 90’s), and I thought: “I’m not going to make it” concerning my London boyfriend.

But it sounds like you have a more serious relationship and are out of school, right?

My advice now? Move/get engaged or let her go.

Inky

November 26, 2015 at 6:19 am #88341

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Unavailable:

As to your question: ” I asked her and she told me everything about why she is afraid of that happening. Do you want me to tell you those reasons? Would it help you help me figure it out a little better?”

Yes, please do. It will help you to figure it out a little better!

(You know the saying “ignorance is a bliss”? Not true: awareness is a bliss- it often feels distressing in the beginning but long term, awareness- knowing what is going on- is way better, preventing lots of future misery)

anita

November 26, 2015 at 9:16 am #88349

Anonymous
Inactive

Inky,
I can see where you would say that hearing your experience. So it is very possible especially after I talked to her about it. We are talking about it and I am planning on moving with her and living with her and she is already talking about getting engaged. The thing with that is I don’t make much money at the job I’m at. They pay everyone minimum wage. My question is how would I afford to get her an engagement ring? And to answer your question, yes we are both out of school and we are pretty serious. We have been together for 9 months.

November 26, 2015 at 9:29 am #88350

Anonymous
Inactive

Anita,
I just get really bad with abandonment issues that’s why I’m so scared of you going is what she said. In her past relationships she would always have someone and they would leave her for someone else or she was hearing or had a bad feeling they were cheating so she was the one who did. She also said the reason she’s afraid of that is Cause that’s how her fear works. She thinks someone else will yet she ends up doing something. She’s afraid she Will cut that gash or suicide. (that was said last night, she takes meds for depression/ptsd and it gets really bad if she doesn’t take her meds) She forgot her meds here at the job place and she doesn’t get them until Monday. But I am calling her almost as much as I can and checking on her, she is doing better, not thinking about suicide. I also remember her saying that she is just so used to it from the past that its a feeling that I guess stayed with her. She knows I wont do anything and I believe she wont, but last night when I heard that it scared me, because she told me she would never do that to me. That she loves me too much to hurt me. So I made up my mind that I’m going to move with her and find a different job close to her. I do want her to be my wife someday, and that is already something we are talking about.

November 26, 2015 at 9:47 am #88351

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Unavailable:

Too bad, her having these mental challenges, sickness, really. To put it bluntly: she is not well. And I don’t mean it in a disrespectful way, just a fact of life. You know this is going to be an ongoing issue, don’t you? You know you are getting into serious business here, do you?

Moving with her, marrying her will not heal her. Healing for her could happen but only if she works very hard and takes advantage of the relationship with you for the purpose of her healing.

I don’t know your mental state. You too have fear (who doesn’t)- fear of abandonment. So you two are going to have a very difficult time. Whatever it is you choose to do- it is NOT going to be easy. It seems like the “easy” thing to do now: to calm her and to calm yourself FOR NOW. But it is a long, long way for the two of you and you may not make it.

This is not a case, however rare it may be, of two healthy individuals getting together.

Remember you asked in your original post how to convince her that you will not leave her? You can’t- not the ring and the heart and the lock and not the tattoo, not you moving with her, not you staying in the job you are in, not her staying on her meds- none of that is going to work except for the difficult, ongoing long journey together for the healing that the two of you need.

If I was in your shoes, Unavailable, as I understand your situation to be, I would leave her now. I can’t imagine you will take my advice but this is still what I will do, considering my life experience and my understanding- in the context of this thread- of your situation and her situation.

I am alone this Thanksgiving and have all the time in the world in the silence of my house to communicate with you today. Take advantage of it, if you would like, if you so choose.

I am a stranger to you, of course, I don’t know you or her. The answers to any questions you have are inside YOU. And you do know yourself and her. Only you are afraid to be alone and you are so emotionally close to your own situation, that an outsider’s view of it, even a stranger like me, my view may be more correct than yours.

Whatever health you are experiencing in your life as is, you may lose it in this expected union. What are your expectations once you live with her, marry her. how do you think it will be (looking for YOUR answers)

anita

November 26, 2015 at 9:56 am #88352

Anonymous
Guest

One more thing, Unavailable (and I hope you take your time reading the input here, paying attention to everything, considering things)- your fear of abandonment: let me know if I am right about the following (I may be or not, so let me know):

You think that her mental state, the desperation you have seen in her eyes, heard in her voice, again and again, the hurt of past, the fear of the future, you think these things mean that she will not abandon you, that she needs you so much that you are safe- in a way- with her. But this is one of those life contradictions:

it is a woman as afraid and hurt and needy and emotional as she is, that is more likely to abandon you, have an affair, or affairs or detach from you while living with you than a woman less afraid, less needy, less hurt.

It is the other way around. If you fear abandonment, you are increasing your chances to be abandoned in such a union.

Unless she has been already deeply invested in her healing, and I am not talking about taking meds.

anita

November 26, 2015 at 1:06 pm #88355

Anonymous
Inactive

I know its going to be hard I already have had many experiences. But I love her and that’s all that matters to me. It will be worth it and if she does than you can say you told me so. But I believe her telling me if I am with her and living with her that it wont happen. You just kinda ruined my day and I feel like crying. I don’t need to hear something so negative in a upsetting situation. I wanted advice that would help, not bring me down. But thanks for your opinion.
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