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Going through a lot of emotional pain

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  • #86491
    arguseyed
    Participant

    I don’t know who else to turn to. I turn 33 in 10 days and my life seems to go around in loops. I have never been in a relationship and have never been asked out. In my culture we have arranged marriages which doesn’t mean forced marriage, only that you are set up someone through personal ads or matchmaking sites. One doesn’t get a lot of time to decide whether one wants to continue with the relationship. A lot of times people get engaged after meeting only 2-3 times. I have been on such ‘dates’ for the past 7 years and have not been successful. I have rarely been on second dates. Sometimes one needs to meet with families and it gets extremely awkward. My family says I’ve been picky and that is why it never happened and it is all my fault. I feel it was all vague because one doesn’t know the person much and one can only make sense of the available information. AI also suffer from anxiety and these meetings/phone calls always make very anxious. Work also makes me anxious and when I’m anxious I can’t think of much else. I might have made mistakes in the past where I was too anxious about being judged or misread signals. I also suffer from depressive episodes and don’t feel good about myself. I did not follow through with men when I was going through such episodes.

    When my family blamed me again for being picky, I felt a massive surge of pain. I felt like I was broken and there was nowhere to turn to where I could get any compassion. I have never received an environment from my family or friends where I could feel I was worthy and I don’t feel it within myself either. I feel I am too old for someone to like me. I don’t feel comfortable with my body either. I have hypothyroidism and I gained more weight earlier this year. I am fat at certain parts and I don’t even get pants of my size in my country. I feel I am not good enough and I will not be liked for who I am. I feel I have missed out on something important in my life and I will never get it. Also, the lack of a safe and compassionate sanctuary inside me or outside. I don’t have friends either, lots of acquaintances yes, but no one for whom I am not just an option. I started with an online meditation course yesterday but this pain is so intense and I feel bad for myself. I still live with my parents because that’s the cultural norm and also because I can’t afford to move out without having 3 other roommates. I really do not prefer to live with roommates. My career is also not doing well and it feels like all is lost. All the old memories of where I made mistakes in my ‘dating’ life are coming back to me now.

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by arguseyed. Reason: Updated something
    • This topic was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by arguseyed.
    • This topic was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by arguseyed.
    #86496
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Talk to me if you want to. You can find me on ivlog under the username: Tripsgalore01 ( I’ll be broadcasting for a bit tonight.) or you can find me on Skype under username signalhill84

    I will help in any way I can if you want someone to talk to. If not, no worries an know that everything will work itself out. give things some time. I believe in you.

    Sending you lots of love & light…xoxo

    #86498
    Nina Sakura
    Participant

    Dear arguseyed,

    Thats a lot of pressure to take on actually. I come from a culture of arranged marriages too and i understand what you mean. A friend of mine was actually rejected like 8 times (due to height, looks) and she was pretty hurt by the process. Eventually, she married her elder sister’s friend only. Though he was a bit older than her, she was comfortable with him and he accepted her for who she was.

    I think thats the problem here – you are constantly battling rejection and no one is giving you a chance to be yourself really. You’re right. The compassion is lacking here actually and I am so sorry its coming from your family. Sometimes tradition seems to go over basic understanding. No wonder you’re in pain, so much pain.

    In case you’re from India and need someone to talk to professionally on a lower rate, anonymous scale to find some support for this – do consider this site: http://www.healtheminds.com/ or for a free chat, try https://yourdost.com/ or even 7cups on days you feel super down, anxious and need virtual support. I have noticed that helps people with phone/meeting anxiety a lot.

    If you need to talk, do write to me at ninsakura23@gmail.com

    Nina

    #86500
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi arguseyed,

    I can’t be as helpful as ninasakura, but yes, take advantage of what she’s offering, and talk to ElleTinker700!!

    OK, let’s assume your parents are right and that you have been “Choosy”:

    This reminds me of when I was single ~ and young, still in college! When I had the audacity to be picky/choosy. I said “No” to this guy my father really liked, and it’s like he couldn’t get over it! Who was I to turn this guy away? Who did I think I was?

    It felt like they rejected my rejecting. It felt like they wanted to keep me small. Oh my goodness, I rejected a guy, who did I think I was, the Queen??

    And whether you were “Choosy” or not:

    It may feel like you are being punished for being YOU! OK, well, don’t go backwards. It only takes one “Yes”. The 100 “No’s” are worth it!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Inky.
    #86510
    anita
    Participant

    Dear arguseyed:

    I believe that all you need is ONE person outside of you, one person that will show you compassion and acceptance, one person with whom you can rest from the turmoil of rejection and self criticism. Keep an eye open for just one such person. This one person is not your father or your mother, obviously. It must be someone else. I hope you find or come across such person and breathe in, take in, for the first time in your life, I suppose, the comfort, the peace that comes from being consistently, reliably, uninterruptedly accepted, liked, cared for by one person. That is all it takes.

    anita

    #86530
    arguseyed
    Participant

    Thank you everyone. I managed to talk to a friend yesterday about this and she supported me. She thinks I’m special. My default response to that would be why would she think I’m special when my own family doesn’t. I’ve also had some hostile relations with people who are no longer my friends that confirms my own narrative of lack of self-worth. After talking to her I felt a lot better. There is still a lot of pain, but maybe it’s numbed a little. I understand that I will need to create my own sanctuary where I offer support to myself. Since, I never received that from my family I always looked at friends and they almost always told me I was being whiny. There are many things that I need to work on internally such as being okay with uncertainty and showing self-compassion. It’s going to be an uphill task but it needs to be done.

    Thank you ElleTinker700 for offering to talk to me. I will keep that in mind. Ninasakura, yes I am from India and many times being over 30 in India for a woman is being over the hill. I personally feel that these things like getting married are largely out of one’s control. Thanks for your kind words Inky. Anita – I think I need to be that person myself.

    #86564
    anita
    Participant

    Dear arguseyed:

    I like your comment to me: “I think I need to be that person myself.”

    The description of “that person” from my comment to you: “one person that will show you compassion and acceptance, one person with whom you can rest from the turmoil of rejection and self criticism…(and know) the peace that comes from being consistently, reliably, uninterruptedly accepted, liked, cared for.”

    Best to you, take care:

    anita

    #87021
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Divya,

    It is better to be alone than in a bad relationship / divorced !

    You have gone through a rough period – I have a feeling it will be over soon !!

    Please read this:
    http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Worth

    GOD bless !

    #87157
    Rajasimha
    Participant

    Dear Divya,

    My name is Rajasimha a.k.a LionKing and I completely understand your emotional pain because I have been facing challenge after challenge on all fronts of my life over the last 26 years. My personal life has been a wreck more so after my divorce eight years back. Does it mean my life is over or I have made mistakes? Not at all… there is no such thing as mistakes in life only corrections…why don’t you look at each date as a meeting with a stranger? Someone you bump into in a bus, train or aircraft during work or pleasure. You spoke for a while, had a laugh and went your separate ways. This way you tend to become more objective and and cause less pain to yourself. Do not let these trifles upset the quality of your life or your mental state.

    Remember, nothing is worth it at the end of the day. Imagine being single has so many advantages such as freedom, less luggage, uninhibited travel, doing things that you like and so much more. We are all lonely even if we have a partner, wife or friend. Sing aloud if you feel like talking… take a walk and strike a conversation with someone unknown to you or exercise..

    Feel free to write to me.. i will help in whatever way I can..

    Raj

    #87263
    Dernell
    Participant

    HI”
    I’m not gonna sit here and tell you it’s okay to be alone”.

    Because I truly believe that we are put here for many of reasons, and one of those reasons is to experience true love”.

    At some point of our life”. weather it be a short or long period of time”.

    I some what understand where you are coming from, the whole age” thing/ not having enough money”/ living back with your family”/ and being depressed”. Feeling lost” or lonely”. plus I have a lot on my plate that I’m currently dealing with.

    I haven’t been with anyone in a years”.

    The time” alone I believe was given to me, in order to find myself”…. to gain… Spirituality”/ Growth”/ Development”/ Progress”/ and to Love” myself within”….while changing physical around me.
    Meaning ( putting in the action”, in order to achieve what I want out of life”. )

    Then maybe one day I will” be able to share it with someone who cares about me, as much as I will her”…

    A smile” goes a long way”…take care”…

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by Dernell.
    #87279
    Jade
    Participant

    “It felt like they rejected my rejecting. It felt like they wanted to keep me small. Oh my goodness, I rejected a guy, who did I think I was, the Queen??”

    OMG Inky this is so accurate. So many parents treat their daughters this way, it’s a shame.

    As a matter of fact I AM a Queen! And my husband will be my King, and we will treat each other with the respect and reverence we deserve.

    arguseyed – just to let you know, over 30 is NOT a death knell for marriage in India. My whole family had given up on my older cousin for being picky and old… and she found a match/husband at 38! She’s very happy she held out for the right man.

    #87624
    arguseyed
    Participant

    Thanks everyone for the supportive replies. I just checked this thread after a few days. I do feel bad about being single, but what really got to me was how unsupportive my family is about the whole situation. And, it’s not just this, it has been pretty much everything else in my life as well. If there is something that I want to do outside my comfort zone, I was always discouraged or told not to do it. Things like going out with friends at a hard to reach venue, career choices or even minor small decisions that I might have made. I have never really received an environment where I can reach into myself and feel that it is okay to feel what I am feeling or to take a decision because that’s the way I want it. One of my friends got engaged to someone but broke it off because she didn’t feel happy about it. I asked her if her parents blamed her and she said no they supported me. If I did something similar, there would be no end to how everything would be my fault. A little compassion is all I want.

    For some reasons I believe things haven’t worked out in my life because I need to learn to be emotionally independent and that would not have happened if things would have worked out. I would have stayed focussed on deriving emotional happiness from external events rather than diving inside of me.

    #87634
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Divya:

    You wrote in your original post above: ” I have never received an environment from my family or friends where I could feel I was worthy and I don’t feel it within myself either.” Later you wrote about needing to be emotionally independent, that all you need is for you to show compassion to you.

    Notice this: you were emotionally independent all along, that is, ON YOUR OWN, alone in the context of your family. You were not inter-dependent with them. You were very much on your own, independent. That did NOT work out and never does because a child needs that inter-dependence, needs compassion from another, from a parent.

    If a child could produce his or her own compassion as a child, not needing it from a parent, well, the world would have been a much better place. The child has NO CHOICE but to receive compassion from a parent, a care taker. Otherwise, there is none. As an adult, you still can’t produce it. You have to interact with others. We are social beings, our interactions is a crucial part of who we are.

    So you have to get compassion from another or others. Your family are not on your side, never have been. I wish you could or would physically distant yourself from them. that you would go to therapy if available, get the compassion of a good therapist and choose people in your life who will.

    anita

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