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Loneliness, grief & ¿black magic?

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  • #402962
    faber castell
    Participant

    Many things have happened. All of my past sorrows, which I youthfully shared when I needed to have been left here and I have to admit, I don’t think they are healed, they are just behind me, since so much has changed in my life that has weighed so much more than heartbreaks with partners, etc. My mom passed away two years ago. She was my friend, my family, and all that I had left in terms of family relationships. My dad passed away when I was 14, I am now 35. If I used to have deep self-esteem issues, this has in some ways healed them, and in others, just deepened them. Since this has made me sensible in many ways. I had to care for my mother, and I did it gladly, and sadly. I felt a kind of love I hadn’t felt in a long time, wanting her to be okay, even if that meant leaving this earth was just a proof of it. I felt love but a the same time, for sure, I had to probably just protect myself in some ways, it was too much, it was 6 months of pure agony and pain. 2 months at an ICU, the love of my life was my momma. I was then very supported by angels, friends, and people who came to me without any expectation. People, in general, showed me love and I sometimes felt really sad to see that I had never felt that, even if I was truly grateful for it. I realized it was going to be hard on me eventually, if I stopped feeling this love that was sustaining me in the worst possible time of my life. I then pulled away from people who were selfish and bad friends, and it felt like everything was lighter, even in the midst of disease and sadness, I was full of love for my mom, and people were there to prove things can be better when were together. Sadly, of course I knew this was gonna eventually settle, not only the attention, but my own realisation of what my life would look and feel without her. And its awful. I won’t say it’s only her absence. I’m sure I struggled with the same things before, but this is truly confusing lately. I feel deeply alone. Deeply disconnected. I think I’m a good woman, friend, person, but at the time, I can totally affirm, there is no one who knows me and loves me unconditionally, or loves me at all. There’s a saying: deeply loved versus generally liked. I think I’m the latter. And it pains me, I now realise I shared a lot of this sadness with my mother and she was many, many times my shoulder to cry on, always trying to leave that safe home but at the same time, not being brave enough or loved enough or succesful in my relationships and endeavours enough to actually build more than what this website has already archived in its cloud of my experiences: intense relationships with some bad endings (?) or actually, pretty halfhearted lovers and me feeling frustrated, because I know I deserve more, but for some reason, cannot have it. And this is it. I see my life now and I need some place that looks and feels familiar, because I don’t have it anymore. I come here looking for my past and last testimonies and in the end, there’s some sense of who I was and who I am. But to be blunt and clear: my days look a lot like staying in, working A LOT (I write at a magazine and now we have to publish daily at a pace I cant ever feel rested), my salary is really not enough and my friends have mostly dissipated. I see them happy in their own lives and now I feel I have nothing of my own. Do you believe some part of you cannot exist anymore when someone you love dies or leaves? There was also a time in which I was told I had some black magic stuff on me (this is a VERY long story and it was not just a verbal thing) and at the time I prayed, I meditated and cleaned my home, and tried my best to forget about it. Nevertheless, the whole purpose of this “thing” was supposedly to cut all chords with people who loved me, to make me be lonely, and for my mother to pass. All of it appears to have some sort of sense, since things really do not end well, or build up to anything in general, not my job, my love life, etc. So I want to know, does anyone here believe in this? If this is the case, what is the best way to solve it and be okay? Also, how much loneliness is good for the soul and when does it start to become hurtful? Why why why can’t I build a community, I ask myself. I am attractive, I’m funny, I’m actually fun to be around. Have no clue. I’m sad, but I hope everyone here feels better today, than myself. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

    #402963
    faber castell
    Participant

    Also, If I may add, I know I am still greiving, and I no longer know what pain belongs where. The truth is I’m frustrated and mad that she had to go, even sometimes at her, and I miss her, I am afraid I’ll forget her… by becoming this weird version of myself who has no heart, or love, or who to express that love towards. I am truly just heartbroken, truly, have no idea where or how to go from here, especially when people are no longer around.

    #402966
    anita
    Participant

    Dear faber castell:

    the love of my life was my momma” – this sentence touched my heart because I think that every mother is her child’s first love and this love is intense and complete.

    I was full of love for my mom… I feel deeply alone. Deeply disconnected… there is no one who knows me and loves me unconditionally, or loves me at all… (had) intense relationships with some bad endings…  I know I deserve more, but for some reason, cannot have it” –

    – I hope that you do get what you need: a feeling of togetherness, a deep connection with someone who loves you, a love story with a good ending.

    Do you believe some part of you cannot exist anymore when someone you love dies or leaves?” –  I suppose part of you dies when someone you love very much dies. But the nature of Life is that it Renews itself, life finds a way to reinvent itself.

    There was also a time in which I was told I had some black magic stuff on me…  this ‘thing’ was supposedly to cut all chords with people who loved me, to make me be lonely, and for my mother to pass. All of it appears to have some sort of sense, since things really do not end well, or build up to anything in general, not my job, my love life, etc. So I want to know, does anyone here believe in this? If this is the case, what is the best way to solve it and be okay?” – I do not believe in black magic. There are reasons Why things didn’t end well for you in regard to your love life, your job, etc., but it’s not black magic or any such thing, I believe.

    Also, how much loneliness is good for the soul and when does it start to become hurtful?” – we are social animals/ beings, we are not meant to be alone for too long. We are not meant to be lonely, although many of us are lonely.

    Why why why can’t I build a community, I ask myself. I am attractive, I’m funny, I’m actually fun to be around” – as to the why, in September 2014, in a previous thread, you shared in regard to a guy with whom you were in an on-again -off-again relationship for nine months: “I’m normally very explosive and while I’ve made a big effort to be calm.. he says my anger is horrible and my temper is out of proportion” –

    – is it possible that one answer to the Why is that you have been very explosive, your anger being horrible and out of proportion?

    anita

    #402969
    faber castell
    Participant

    Hello Anita, thank you for reading, always. I know last time you asked me a lot of things and you made me wonder so much what was going on with my heart, it seems it’s always in pain or something.

    Before, words helped me. Now I’m clearly lacking something else. I appreciate your good wishes and answers, though. I feel so clueless.

    In regards to your last question, I no longer feel like I have that much of an out of proportion temper. It seems to me so sad that I would say that, actually. Like so hard on myself and not entirely accurate, man, amazing. I realize too that those were words said by people who abused me several times… so it’s confusing. I wont say I didn’t make mistakes but, I now realize that the pattern of emotional abuse in my family is very complicated and sneaky. Now, after many years, I’ve realized they’re pathological narcissists, which is the reason why I don’t count on them for any of this. The way they treated me when my mother passed just did it for me and I could finally connect the dots and free myself. I now know that what I actually wanted was just nice words, nice tone, and be able to be myself: sweet as I actually am. This is, I guess, one of my most important frustrations in life, FOR SURE, I haven’t understood it all, so I must have a blindspot because I honestly think my case has been really unfortunate, and I don’t care about calling myself a victim, sometimes we have to do that in order to recognize what has happened, but at the same time, I feel so impotent.  Many times, I guess, it’s easier to believe you have something wrong you can fix, and not that actually, you’re pretty okay and people still will treat you poorly. Then, how can you fix that? Again, I of course have my mistakes, but I guess I’m too guarded now to actually go and open myself up to people who at my age are even more guarded, everyone is on a contest of who cares less about relationships and so on. Anyways, I know I can have a strong temper but it mostly comes when I’m already being abused… so, I guess sometimes it has “saved” me (not really cause they abused me more but at least I didn’t think I deserve it entirely). I realize now that there was a pattern of family emotional abuse I was suffering and many of my partners were not my allies but quite the contrary. In fact, I was speaking with my friends recently and we were commenting on how unfair it was that I had to grow up believing that, when in fact, I spent too long just defending myself, and was seldom just able to be my relaxed self without abuse coming towards me. I do not believe I have an explosive temperament anymore, it’s been ages since explosiveness has happened. But I haven’t really been able to relax entirely with someone anymore. I’m afraid I’m too guarded now, and if you ask my friends, they would say I’m the funniest, or peaceful person ever. I guess it had much to do with the abusive relationships I was in at the time, although I know some people will say I’m pretty sensitive. Back then in 2014, my god, that boyfriend I had was jealous, didn’t wwant me to wear make up, forced me to stay in a room during fights… I mean, no way. BUT anyways, I don’t want to defend everything about myself, I want to learn, to be better, to give and receive, people say I have a good heart, and I think that. I also believe I am very serious about treating people well, and I havent gotten that, many, many times. So, what would you say? How can we solve this idea of not needing people but at the same time needing them? When coaches and therapists say we should give ourselves what we havent received from others, physical affection? community? what do we do with that? I dont’ want to beg for love, or take breadcrumbing, neither I want to be alone forever. Also, what if I want to be soft but I see, with good sense, that some people wont value that. I move on, I have no control over this, but I still feel the void, I am still, not loved in that sense.

     

    Thank you for reading again.

    #402970
    anita
    Participant

    Dear faber castell:

    I will be able to read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now.  I am looking forward to communicate with you further.

    anita

    #402995
    anita
    Participant

    Dear faber castell:

    (my heart).. it seems it’s always in pain or something… I feel so clueless… It’s confusing… I want to learn, to be better, to give and receive“, yesterday.

    I want to offer you something useful regarding why it seems like your heart is always in pain and why you feel confused and clueless. I want to encourage you to learn and get better (in my reply today, and in future replies, if you choose to continue to communicate with me). For this purpose, I will study your recent posts of June 23, 2022, and your past posts beginning on November 18, 2013, not at great length, just enough.

    In your most recent post, you expressed the following regarding your anger: “I no longer feel like I have that much of an out of proportion temper… I know I can have a strong temper but it mostly comes when I’m already being abused… I spent too long just defending myself… (from) abuse coming towards me… it’s been ages since explosiveness has happened… I guess it had much to do with the abusive relationships I was in at the time, although I know some people will say I’m pretty sensitive” –

    – I see two issues in this quote of (1) defending vs offending & misperceptions: there are plenty of people who believe- or so they claim- that they are defending themselves while in reality, they are offending someone else. For example: my mother claimed that I intended to offend her (not true) and therefore she was defending herself by screaming at me, beating me, etc. She misperceived- or lied- that I had an intention that I did not have. I am not saying that this is your case. I am suggesting possibilities, (2) co-abuse: in the case of abuse in adult romantic relationships, it is rare that one party is The Perpetrator and the other is The Victim. Often each party is both the perpetrator and the victim.

    In your recent post, you shared this regarding your experience with your family: “the pattern of emotional abuse in my family is very complicated and sneaky. Now, after many years, I’ve realized they’re pathological narcissists…  I realize now that there was a pattern of family emotional abuse I was suffering“.

    I will now read through your previous threads looking for relevant information to the above:

    On Sept 4, 2014, you shared about something that happened the day before, something that turned out to be a negatively powerful experience in your life: “he tried to get closer and hugged me… we went to take…  a shower together. It was the most intimate moment, he kissed me and hugged me and we stayed for hours under the water just hugging until he started touching me… When we got out of the shower he.. (said) ‘it was a mistake because I still wanted to break up with you’. I said wow, I think this is the most horrible thing that you’ve done to me so far”

    Fast forward five years to Oct 7, 2019, you shared: “I have a really hard time when my friends tell me stuff like: ‘Well, if you’re not feeling okay with the guy then leave…’ cause… it’s not that simple”, “I feel uneasy almost all of the time so I have to rationalize myself a lot… I rarely understand where the discomfort is coming from, I believe  there are two types of  uncomfortable:… your own feelings of insecurity (and) toxic people who can harm you”.

    Fast forward, in Jan 19, 2021, I think it was the first time that you shared anything about your family since Nov 2013,  and interestingly, you shared it in parenthesis: “My friends celebrated my birthday…  they gave me a surprise party (it was special because my mom passed away January last year, and my birthday was going to be the first without her so everyone wanted to make it special)”

    Fast forward a year and a half to your current thread, on June 23, 2022 (original post), you shared more about your family, this time  not in parentheses: “My mom passed away two years ago. She was my friend, my family, and all that I had left in terms of family relationships. My dad passed away when I was 14, I am now 35… I had to care for my mother, and I did it gladly, and sadly. I felt a kind of love I hadn’t felt in a long time, wanting her to be okay… I felt love but a the same time, for sure, I had to probably just protect myself in some ways, it was too much, it was 6 months of pure agony and pain. 2 months at an ICU, the love of my life was my momma… I shared a lot of this sadness with my mother and she was many, many times my shoulder to cry on, always trying to leave that safe home… I know I am still grieving, and I no longer know what pain belongs where” –

    – following hours of study, this is my understanding today. My understanding as it is now can change and improve with more information from you. * Reading the following may be distressing to you, so read- if you will- at your pace when calm and take breaks:

    I know that you always loved your momma very, very much and that you still do. I think that for a while though, you understandably felt emotionally distant from her. I think that your home life growing up was significantly lacking and that your mother wasn’t able to give you enough of what you needed. It seems to me that the unease and discomfort that you mentioned in Oct 2019 is what you experienced as a child growing up, and that this unease-discomfort emotional experience extended into your adulthood.

    I don’t know if your father abused you before he died when you were 14. If he did, maybe your mother knew about it and did not protect you. Maybe your mother abused you in some ways and maybe she “just” didn’t protect you from abuse by siblings or by other family members whom you later referred to as pathological narcissists.

    I am quite confident that regardless of the source of the abuse, you (like myself and like so many millions of children) suffered abuse as a child. But at the time when you were a child, you didn’t realize that there was abuse, or you weren’t sure, and it is only recently that you realize that there was abuse after all: “I realize now that there was a pattern of family emotional abuse I was suffering“, June 23, 2022.

    I think that the abuse you suffered was not simple and direct, but as you stated, it was “complicated and sneaky“, and therefore.. confusing, difficult to be sure about. I think that you’ve been confused for the longest time and that you are still confused on the issue of the abuse you suffered as a child. This confusion (like the unease-discomfort), extended to your adult life in the context of romantic relationships: you’ve been confused in your relationships in regard to when you were abused and when.. it only felt that way.

    You wrote about the time you took care of your sick mother, before she died (you were in your early 30s then): “I felt a kind of love I hadn’t felt in a long time… I felt love but a the same time, for sure, I had to probably just protect myself in some ways” –

    – you felt a kind of love for her that you hadn’t felt in a long time, meaning you lost that feeling of love for her (although you still loved her) for some time before she got sick, feeling emotionally distant from her. And feeling love for her again, you had to protect yourself from that feeling… because she failed you in the past, failed to protect you or failed to give you what you needed from her… (?)

    I think that the reason that what happened in Sept 3, 2014 with your then boyfriend was so powerful is that it caused you an acute confusion in regard to what is abuse and what is love: when in the shower with him, you felt and experienced definite Love. After the shower, the love was instantly and acutely gone. You were shocked and confused: was what happened in the shower Love or Abuse (“Is this abuse?” is in the title of your Sept 4, 2014 thread).

    A month and 17 days later, in a thread you titled “How do you mourn an abusive relationship?”, you figured that the relationship was indeed abusive and that “in the end he did something very similar to sexual abuse”. I am guessing that it took a lot of thinking and maybe researching so to overcome the confusion and arrive to this definite conclusion.

    But there is still plenty of confusion in your mind and life. Clearly, you need to gain more clarity about what you experienced as a child and onward, so to no longer have this.. cloud of confusion follow you around. I don’t think that you mentioned having had any kind of psychotherapy or counseling?

    anita

     

     

    #403001
    anita
    Participant

    *correction: “you’ve been confused in your relationships in regard to when you were abused and when.. it only felt that way” => you’ve been confused in your relationships in regard to when you were abused and if.. it only felt that way.

    #403253
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, faber castell?

    anita

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