Connections that bring anxiety

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    faber castell

    Recently I had a match with a guy on tinder (which I do not use and honestly don’t like). We started talking and ended up texting for months before getting to know each other. The guy made some very awkward comments on how if we weren’t attracted to each other “at least” we knew it would be fun to meet, and took a really long time before asking me out, which made me ask myself a lot on the nature of this connection. It was weird, but I enjoyed it because I did find him attractive and we shared mostly music, a key to my heart. I was okay with moving slowly, which we talked about too, both agreeing whatsapp, social media, etc., is killing some potential connections. After all Tinder was not a place for me either. Still, it took a long time, to the point I started to get uncomfortable too, building this idea of someone without an actual encounter felt too risky and still, I think too much time passed and I allowed it. When I was about to quit and delete the account he then asked me out, but the moment I said yes he then confessed he had just gotten out of a relationship so was scared to see if this would be a good idea, he said he felt he needed to tell me that and how he hadn’t really contemplated the option of finding a really interesting woman like me and that he had therefore postponed our date for so long hoping to be ready. He said how he felt it was a waste to not see each other because he wasn’t ready, and he expressed how his interest was only to meet me. This conversation was frustrating, I guess I appreciated some part of his honesty and took some days, and weeks actually to figure this whole thing up. It eventually happened, we met, we went on a couple of dates, but I was never really sure what to make of it. If I see it retrospectively, I was always pretty anxious regarding this situation, and this guy, entirely. Now I understand why, it was all very unnerving. Anyways, he didn’t try much on our encounters, after our first one he still texted me, so I figured well, maybe there’s something there. On our second date he spoke on and on about him, and how he always had self-esteem issues, stuff I honestly can relate to, but I probably wouldn’t share on an early date. (I’m pretty empathic so I listened and just commented some of my experience too, not in depth, also, because he didn’t ask too much questions, another downside of this “date”).

    Anyways, that night after a party we went back to his house, by that time we were having a nice conversation but he got somewhat offended by something I never quite understood, we sort of made a different point on wether you can be free from prejudice ever or not. So it was uncomfortable again and I wondered if it was best to leave, since the talk was becoming SO unnecessarily conflictive. He sensed it and he apologized, and insisted how sad it was for us to have this weird moment, because, he insisted then again, he really had an honest interest in getting to know me. He stated again, awkwardly: “I didn’t think I’d meet someone on tinder who was truly interesting, I find you indescifrable and I love that, and there are some things that pull me towards you very strongly, I don’t know if I think you’re cool, or if I’m physically attracted to you, or both, but my only interest is to get to know you.” Wow, this kind of honesty really didn’t clarify anything at all to me, do you guys even understand any what he meant to really express? I don’t.

    This was a second “date” (probably not even that) and this guy, after taking personally some random thing I said and showing it, is at 5:00 am rambling on whether he doesn’t know if he feels really attracted to me for not, goes on to finish this by asking if I would be interested in hanging out again knowing he’s not “necessarily” interested in something romantic. And how he just wanted for us to simply spend more time to get to know each other. “I don’t know if we will hit it off, maybe we’ll become best friends, maybe we’ll figure out we’re the worst fit ever, I don’t know. Let’s know each other first”. Isn’t that what we are trying to do anyways? Other than the fact that the guy almost didn’t ask anything. Wow. Wow. I don’t even know if I like him like him yet,

    I wasn’t even projecting that much with the guy and he assumed he needed to make things clear with me. He even stated he wasnt looking for a relationship but we had just met. The kind of talk felt so absurd to me. I did find him attractive and a side of me feels like he was trying to let me down easy, which bums me out terribly and I wish it didn’t because honeslty I also find this terribly weird and tiring for a second date.

    I asked him well what if I end up liking you? And he was like “No. I don’t know. We’d have to hang out more.” I didn’t know what to answer, it was 5:30 am, and how I felt so limited and weird and unnecessarily confronted, I said “heeeyyy you know what, I don’t even know that yet, I understand you’re on a tough place right now but I have nothing to do with that heartache and  honestly I would’ve loved some lightness, not so much conflict or thinking at the moment since I just can’t have an answer of what I’m looking for yet.” Or something like that. It wasn’t my most eloquent moment but I don’t feel okay announcing I want a relationship with someone I don’t even know, even if what I want is love. At all. He was all sure, sure, it’s fine, you don’t have to say anything, which again, made me feel he was letting me down easy.  I left on a good note anyways, he texted me to know if I got home alright and we then stopped talking. It’s been a week and a half or a bit more. I see he checks my IG but stopped seeing my stories a couple of days after that and I know this is weird because we were always checking each other’s stuff. I don’t know if he rejected me or felt rejected by me disappearing after that or if we both did. And regardless of whatever choice I’m making (which is probably to cut this off) I would love some external opinions cause I didn’t get this man or his message on his feelings for me or lack thereof.

    1. Do you guys understand the same things I did?

    2. Im pretty confused and just ran away. I texted him telling him I had meaning to talk to him but had been pretty busy and when he texted back I was busy again, and now Im unsure of whether its worth digging much more or saying anything else. I hate this discarding relationship styles we’re in so I feel tempted to just talk and understand but he seems really off balance, and he wasn’t very considerate to me either, to be honest.

    3. INTUITION:  I realize little by little how amazingly intuition works. I was so off, so anxious and focused on this connection during those months, I see now how this guy is so cerebral, confused, etc., that I think I felt it all the time in our weird communication. I am wondering, reading some recent posts I came across someone who says they’re more confident after distancing themselves from men who stirr up anxiety in them. I’ve always struggled listening to myself because partly I feel responsible for those feelings. But now I see how this guy has been driving me crazy during these months, like, really affecting me.

    How do you know if someone gives you anxiety or whether its your issue you have to solve in the face of the matter?

    Thanks and sorry for the long post!


    Dear faber castell:

    Welcome back!

    Reads to me that this man suffers from significant anxiety and overthinking. He overthinks himself into paralysis/ inaction. Being in his presence/communicating with him increased your own anxiety; his anxiety stirred your anxiety.

    I say, what you need is a less anxious man who thinks less, whose thinking is simpler and clearer, who communicates to you clearly, honestly and consistently so, that way you will not be clueless at five am, wondering who-is-this-man, what-does-he-want and what-in-the-world-is-happening here?



    faber castell

    Hello Anita, yes, thank you for welcoming me back. You’re absolutely right. Sometimes it’s just that simple, I do need someone whose thinking is simpler and clearer. I guess complexity just is so much more appealing in many levels, but maybe it’s not worth the confusion that comes with it. After some weeks and days of this I finally solved it and let him go.

    Do you have any thoughts on this?:

    Reading recent posts I came across someone who said they were more confident after distancing themselves from men who stirr up anxiety in them. I’ve always struggled listening to myself because I feel responsible for my feelings of insecurity but then, when I check things up I realize people also have something to do with that… How do you differentiate that? And know if its a red flag coming from a guy or person or its your own thing to solve?


    Dear faber castell:

    “I do need someone whose thinking is simpler and clearer. I guess complexity just is so much more appealing in many levels”-

    – when I recommend simplicity, as in simple and clear communicating in the context of dating- I don’t mean that you should better have a relationship with an unintelligent man. I mean that you should have a relationship with an emotionally healthier man who is not terribly confused and conflicted. There is nothing attractive about confusion and conflict, these are maladies, not something attractive, is it?

    You asked, paraphrased, if I understand correctly: how do you tell the difference between having a valid concern regarding a man and an invalid concern, one born out of your insecurity-

    -my answer: ask the man questions so to figure it out. Ask simple questions (not unintelligent, but short and clear, so it is not difficult to answer those, if one is honest and not too confused). Ask open ended questions in a casual tone, so the person is more likely to feel comfortable considering the question, not pressured or expected to answer in a particular way. And of course, not too many questions at any one time, so it doesn’t appear like an interrogating- one question at a time.

    If you have examples of how you already asked and were still  confused, or if you will come up with an example during a future online/ in-person dating situation, let me know and I will respond to the particular example.



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