Is this abuse? Afraid of breaking up after feeling used

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    faber castell

    Hey everyone, sorry this is a long post but I would REALLY appreciate the help of you wise readers… I need it.

    I’ve been on and off in a relationship with a guy for 9 months now, we have broken up 4 times, and while I’ve said that I want to break up he is the one who actually followed through every single time, coming back to me saying it was only due to his own inability to handle his anxiety and fear. If it was a mistake or not for me to come back, its really beyond question, it has become so unhealthy I now know this has to stop but I’ve also had a hard time struggling. While he is the ultimate yogi, even becoming a teacher, believes in peaceful awareness etc, and he has beautiful moments of being nice and kind, he has also proven to be very passive aggressive, jealous and controlling. Please correct me if my impressions about him are wrong:

    The situation is the following, We got back together 2 weeks ago but we’ve had glitches until he finally hurt me again. We had some fights in the middle between yesterday and the day before, so yesterday we woke up feeling tired and sad and started talking about us. He wasn’t being very flexible or anything and I just started crying, I’m normally very explosive and while I’ve made a big effort to be calm, he still uses that against me in every situation, or at least it seems to me he doesn’t take responsibility and projects everything on me. I guess yesterday he felt sorry or uncomfortable so he tried to get closer and hugged me saying he didn’t know what to do anymore and saying that he wasn’t the person for me AGAIN (taking into account he has begged me to stay and said he wanted to marry me every single time we got back together and while these few days I was being very cautious he insisted on us trying again). He had an appointment at noon so as it was getting late and we went to take a shower, I followed and he insisted on us taking a shower together. It was the most intimate moment, he kissed me and hugged me and we stayed for hours under the water just hugging until he started touching me, I thought it was not the moment but he insisted again and I gave in since we’ve always felt a very sweet connection in sex. When we got out of the shower he asked me “OK so what are we gonna do about us?” I was shocked since I thought he was not considering breaking up and he said “Well hey, I still feel the same way I just got carried away, we feel very attracted to each other and its obvious that while having been together for so long we would succumb but this shouldn’t happen while feelings are so clouded” And of course it shouldn’t! I stopped him and he insisted, to which he replied “Oh yea, well, sorry about that, it was a mistake because I still wanted to break up with you”. I said wow, I think this is the most horrible thing that you’ve done to me so far, and he says: “Please, it takes two to have sex”. The only thing I could reply was “Well I really hope one day you can feel what you’re making me feel right now”. He replied with a pat on my back saying “Oh no dear, it won’t, because I’m not like you”. I was just shocked sobbing, am I over reacting with the sex thing? Is he as arrogant as I think he is? He claims I don’t make him feel loved and appreciated, that it’s not ego or arrogance but him realizing he just can’t make me happy, but can you believe that from a man who treats me like this? I REALLY HAVE NO IDEA ANYMORE. Im VERY CONFUSED.

    It didn’t stop there, as he really had to go he said “My only offer for you is to take a couple of days off and see if this is really what you want, or just not talk anymore, it depends on you, take it or leave it” I was so overwhelmed I answered you know what? Just go. “OKAY, but don’t come telling me I’m being rude to you because I’m leaving”… Is this abuse? I think I hate him. I think I know it is abuse but I’ve started to lose myself so much in this I don’t know how to defend myself anymore. Especially since he says my anger is horrible and my temper is out of proportion and I react so horribly that I just barely react anymore.

    He still has some books of mine, his car is parked in front of my house and I don’t know if I should ask him to leave my stuff in my house or actually see him when he comes. That would give him the pleasure of thinking I want to talk to him or that I’m still interested in him. I just feel like I need to face him, but truth is Im scared of the situation, of breaking up, I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been so hurt or because I’m so angry but scared of showing it poorly that I feel like just running away, I’m so scared of the way his ego makes me feel that I feel like just leaving it at that, but I know it won’t do me any good and I need my dignity back. I just no longer know how to react, I feel like I’m gonna be a coward or that I won’t be able to say the proper things or have the right attitude, any thoughts on the whole situation or how to deal with this?

    Also, why do I care if he then finds love with someone else and its actually healthy and keeps thinking it was just me he couldn’t deal with? I know it’s stupid but it would hurt so much that someone else saw in him everything I thought he was but can’t be for me?

    Thank you for your time.


    I by no means am one of the “wise readers” here. I am new to the forums and am only at the beginning of my journey to peace and healing. However, I can relate to you having been a part of abusive relationships. My first relationship as a teenager was abusive. Being that young and going through abuse really changes your perspective on love and relationships, so I feel that I can offer some insight to you.

    First, I would like to say that I am sending healing thoughts your way. I know how hard this situation must be for you. That being said, I recommend putting it into perspective. If this same story came from your sister, your best friend, your mom, or anyone else that you love deeply, what would you tell them? Also, if you have to question whether or not something is abusive, it probably is. Abuse is not strictly black and white. It can be physical, emotional, mental. If you are feeling abused, that means that your boundaries have been crossed which is certainly a big issue. This becomes an even bigger issue when the person you feel has inflicted abuse on you is handling it in the way in which he has.

    Something else I highly recommend keeping in mind when it comes to your fear of seeing him with someone else is that not all relationships are meant to work out. Sometimes two people who can be perfectly functional and happy in one relationship find toxicity in a relationship with one another. From what you have said, I would definitely consider this to be a toxic relationship. While circumstances and people can change, toxic relationships are almost always bad news.

    My advice to you, as someone who has been through an abusive relationship, is to get away and stay away from this person. Remove all contact with him – if you have no ties to him, you give yourself the necessary space to cope and heal. Additionally, this is going to prevent falling back into things and allowing him to hurt you more by being with someone else. You owe it to yourself to remove this person from your life. It will not be easy, especially since the emotions are so raw, but you deserve better. You deserve time to work on healing yourself and becoming a better person apart from the toxicity of this relationship. Best of luck to you.



    Toxic, toxic, toxic. He’s playing mind games with you, intentionally or unintentionally, and sounds like he has little to no control of his passion. His is some of the worst kind of abuse, where he sings to you gently, stamps all over your opening tenderness, then says “hey, you’re the one hurt, you opened, your bad.” Ditch the bastard, you’ll be glad you did.

    Perhaps go even one step further, and reconsider every thing he has ever said to you as toxin, rather than a sweet man. I’ve encountered wild yogis, and they do terrible things to the people around them. That pat on the back he gave you clinched it for me, his ego is out of control. Its not you, dear sister, not your issue. Perhaps your issue is learning how to slam the door on a snake, keeping venomous beings away from your tender heart.

    If it helps, know that he won’t experience the same pain you’re going through, he’ll go through something much darker, much more painful. But that’s his path, and don’t shackle yours to his, even if you hear his siren song outside your slammed door. Keep it closed, dear sister, don’t let him feed off you anymore. Maybe his teacher is strong enough to slap some sense into him, but you’re not. Do you have any friends (preferably male, or a fiery female) that can be present during the stuff exchange? Or can you just buy new stuff? My advice, don’t be alone with him ever again. He lost his rights, let the door slam.

    With warmth,

    Big blue

    Hi faber,

    I totally agree with you being upset and not seeing this person again.

    As Matt said: Ditch the bastard, you’ll be glad you did.

    Go easy on yourself and take time to get over this experience.

    Then you will find someone who is worthy of you.

    Big blue

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Big blue.
    Warrior of Light

    Good morning.

    I agree with Matt in that this relationship you’re in is absolutely toxic, and seems to be causing you WAAAY more harm than good. Also, he is totally manipulating you, intentionally or unintentionally, to fulfill whatever void he has in his heart. The push-pull thing he is doing will drive any person insane, and it seems the only way he is dealing with his issues is to project his insecurity on to you and (try) control you via manipulation and aggression. In short, he is a self-centered asshole, and he is causing more harm than you deserve, want, or need.

    If you’re afraid of breaking up with him, I’d be curious as to why? Fear of loneliness? Fear of rejection? Fear of not being worthy or loved? I don’t know you, but I’d recommend exploring your fear either through self-reflection or with a professional counselor.

    Also, take your power back! Don’t let some egotistical asshole, who lacks his own personal power, strip you of yours! Any relationship that’s vampiric like this one will always lead to destruction, and never fulfillment, happiness, or (authentic) love; so why invest your energy and time into a relationship that is unfulfilling, unloving, and destructive? So take your power back and break up with him. Tell him what you want and need in a relationship, and that you’re not going to deal with his bullshit (setting boundaries).

    You deserve better because you are better. Don’t let someone else determine your self-worth.

    Peace and blessing.




    “he followed through” … “he wasn’t being very flexible” … “he insisted” … “take it or leave it”

    I don’t know if I would call it abuse (maybe, could be, depends), but I would definitely call it “time to get this shithead out of your life for good”.

    Ultimate yogi indeed… *eyeroll to end all eyerolls*

    faber castell

    thank for your words, your metaphors and the way you put it just got to my heart and I think you really got it. My lesson here is learning how to slam the door on venomous beings, away from my heart. That day I was really doubtful about what to do, since he had his car here I didn’t know if I better waited for him to come so that I could say everything I wanted to, but your message helped me solve it, I was not gonna wait since he probably would do something nasty or would even think I was still considering getting together. Although I didn’t get into thoughts about his behavior, I sent him a text asking him that when he came by for his car he gave in my stuff (not to me but to a roommate) and pick up his. So I wanted you to know, and give you an update, I read your post and as I read it I hit send, it gave me the courage and reassurance I needed, and it was the best thing I could do because the next day he came and picked his car without saying a word (just a lot of noise from his car) and without giving me back my stuff or picking up his. (He can keep my books and enjoy them, I can buy new ones) I thank the universe and you for letting me have that moment of clarity, I don’t know how I would’ve felt if I hadn’t stated my position and he had just taken his car. Still there’s a part of me who would love to say everything I couldn’t say that day… I just don’t know if it’s worth it.

    Thank you, really, I feel kindness and wisdom in you, it’s really nice that you as many others take a minute of your day to help someone, this time I think it was decisive.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by faber castell.
    faber castell

    Thank you so much for your words, you are absolutely right, it’s a relief to know that someone else sees this as manipulation as sometimes one gets so caught up in the middle of the situation that its easy to start doubting… as I told Matt the second I read his post just helped me send that text and that was it, but then your post came along and it had real insight as well so I felt much more reassured, he is selfish and egotistical!!!I never said anything else to him, I just asked him to take back his stuff and drop mine and as I say above, I don’t know if I should just leave it at that, I don’t know if that was enough to take my power back? and..do you think this guy is a narcissist?

    Thank you thank you thank you all for taking the time to help a stranger, your kindness and firmness really helped me admit the vile nature in all of this.

    I will go easy on myself, and I’m more and more glad everyday to know that I’m not having this ever again.

    thank you for your healing thoughts, I hope you also have healed already from the horror it is to be in an abusive relationship.
    Peace and blessings.

    faber castell

    @monklet haha yes, a huge eyeroll indeed, I wish that day I’d had the courage to just eyeroll him, but I just cried and cried in shock and left. Oh well.
    What would make you call this abuse (or not)?

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by faber castell.
    faber castell

    @amatt Also, if you don’t mind sharing, where does your good insight come from? (english is not my first language so excuse me if the question sounds weird!) I mean, I’m curious because you do seem to be a very kind person while still having a very keen eye for unacceptable situations and behaviors, your help to others feels very balanced 🙂 do you have any suggestions on material to read or watch about this subject of mine or something that has served you in your path to become who you are? It’s really nice to read someone who can establish boundaries and still be kind. Thank you.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by faber castell.
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