March 22, 2015 at 6:22 am #74256
Hi everyone…new member here, honestly don’t know how I stumbled upon this website on a night like this, I just feel absolutely horrible, I suppose I’ll explain my situation, I’d appreciate any of your help.
Midway last year, I met a girl and soon enough, grew attached to. I’m 19 and this was my first actual relationship. I thought I knew what love was, because before this girl, I thought I was in ‘love’ with another, someone who is actually a close friend, but through this, I realized how silly I was to think that’s what love was. This girl, let’s call her C was someone that changed my life, she gave me a happiness I had never experienced before, for once in my life I was truly happy. We connected on such a deep level, and soon enough I realized that I was in love, real love, it scared the hell out of me but gave me a warm feeling inside too. We grew closer and closer each day, spent so much time with each other, everything was perfect. A few months pass, and she tells me she loves me for the first time, something that was very difficult for her because of her prior relationships (3 of them to be exact, all were bad). This was a big moment for us, a sign that she genuinely loved me, and of course I loved her too, we were so happy after that day.
She had to leave a few days later back to her home town in another country on holiday with her family for a month. This was scary for me, well, both of us, she struggled but we kept each other strong through daily contact. I couldn’t wait to be with her again, I missed her so much and she missed me, it was beautiful what we had…we were together for around 5 months, but it felt like years because of all the time we spent together.
The day she came back, she told me we couldn’t be together anymore, I’m not going to go into any detail over the reason as it shouldn’t really matter, but yeah…religious issues, there was no way she could continue with me. That day was meant to be an incredible reunion for us, and instead turned into my worst nightmare, I cried my eyes out for hours on and off in the park she broke the news to me in, I just wanted to wake up from it all but it was reality. Our relationship was perfect…I couldn’t believe any of it, I was so scared, didn’t know what to do, but I had to just…live. Friends supported me, she tried to as well, but nothing would change the fact that our love couldn’t continue. Skip forward nearly 3 months, here I am crying again writing this up, listening to sad songs, going through old text messages, not knowing what to do. Every living moment she’s there, in the back of my head, or on my mind, memories of us everywhere I go, memories of the perfect girl I’ll never find again. Every single day I miss her, now more than ever, and it just hurts so much, I used to not regret ever meeting her, but now I wish she never entered my life, if only to avoid all this pain…
I’ve tried getting over her and at times I felt like I was slowly getting there, but all it takes is one little trigger to bring me back to square one, I cry over her a lot, I’m an emotional wreck, and I’m a guy…I just don’t know what to do, I want to stop missing her more than anything, I’ve already cut off all contact with her (it was mutual, we spoke about it), hoping one day when I’ve gotten over it, we could possibly be friends, because I can’t cut her from my life completely. We ended on good terms, I’m not upset/angry with her whatsoever, I care for her too much to ever hold those feelings, meanwhile she seems to have moved on, or so it seems. I’ve probably missed details, I’m just broken right now, sorry for bringing this mess on you all but I really don’t know what to do…I want to feel better, I want to stop letting this affect be so badly…I don’t want to miss her anymore.March 22, 2015 at 9:30 am #74262kateParticipant
Change your religion for her man, chase after her dont let her go over a petty thing like that. But then again deep down you truely know how you feel. If you knew you wanted her for the rest of your life deep down you would have done anything to get her back, no excuses. Or a part of you feels you will move on. It does hurt, i feel i have been on the female end of this i acted as though i was in love and happy but didnt really know what love amd happy truely meant like he did. I essentially led him on and when the honey moon phase passed i moved on and he didnt understand what happened. It sounds like she didnt love you as deeply as you loved her. I think down the road you will find someone else you love even more that loves you even more back amd youll think back to this relationship amd think that love was silly.March 22, 2015 at 8:19 pm #74286Kat AllenParticipant
Dear “I can’t get over her”,
A warm hello from “I couldn’t get over him”.
I’d like to share some thoughts and advice from my experience of heart break. I too have recently undergone the toughest struggle of my life, trying to move on when my heart and body are not yet ready for it.
Without going into the gory details I have learnt:
1. I suffered a traumatic experience, my heart and mind were is shock.
2. I could not stifle the pain. It felt far better to feel it completely. I lay on the floor curled up and cried my heart out until I was done. There is no shame or weakness in this, You are mourning a loss and this is a natural reaction.
3. Keeping him in my life made it all so much worse. Every little smile or act of kindness had me hoping he would come back to me, only to be disappointed again.
4. There is no time frame set to get over a broken heart, everybody is different. So be gentle with yourself and take as much time as you need. The people who love you will understand this.
5. Get back into life gently. Focus on the things that made you happy before you met the person.
6. Know that in time the pain will lessen and you will smile again and feel a weight lifted from you. But it does take time, you can’t force it.
7. Most importantly of all, appreciate the fact that you are the owner of a beautiful big heart that has such a capacity for love. A heart that can be broken is a heart that is strong enough to mend itself and love even greater.
8. and my favourite, if you can get someone to buy you or lend you a puppy or kitten, these delightful little creatures are the best medicine ever.
My thoughts are with you, remember you are loved, be gentle with yourself and please be patient with your healing process. And don’t change yourself for anyone, because if they really love you, they’d never ask you to change. They would make the sacrifice themselves.
KatMarch 23, 2015 at 1:30 am #74294
Thanks Daughterearth, and Kat…I appreciate it.
@Kat, the times I just break down and cry aren’t just one offs, even after these 3 months I will still just feel it all again, hell, there’s a simple 4 keys on piano I can play that will make me tear up because it reminds me of a memory, just like that…
Not much made me happy before her, so the life I’m ‘returning to’ isn’t anything special, nothing in my life was special until she came into it. My friends may think I’m okay eventually because at times I act okay, when deep down I’m really not, and it’s clear I won’t be for a long time, I have maybe ONE or two friends I can speak to about something as personal as this but they can’t relate in any way or even begin to understand my pain…it’s still hard thinking about how to approach this now. I know time will heal, and it’s different for everyone, but I know how I am emotionally, and going off that I have a strong feeling that I’ll be in this painful mess for a very long time, and it scares me, I don’t want to be like this for a year+, but it looks like I will be…March 23, 2015 at 2:49 am #74297Kat AllenParticipant
It’s never a one off cry out. It happens a lot. But it’s your bodies way of clearing stuck emotions. I know it’s painful, frustrating and we so wish it was over already, but no matter how much will power you try and throw at your grief, won’t make it disappear faster. I know this is not what you want to hear, and I’m sorry. I really am. If I could hug you and tell it’s going to be ok, I so would. Because it is.
Once the tearing pain passed for me and became a dull throb I started to look around for things to take up my time with that would expand my circle of friends and life experience. I live in Melbourne Australia and I attended events held by a group called Future Crunch, I also took up oil painting and made the effort to go out more and arrange outings with my friends. Life goes on, whether we’re ready for it or not. So, when you start to feel a little better, a little more like your old self, get out and about and see what makes you smile and keep following that. Hang in, and don’t linger too long hanging on to what you cannot change. I believe in you, please believe in yourself. You’re stronger than you think.March 23, 2015 at 3:01 am #74298Ian TingParticipant
Don’t think about the time you will take to heal. It is a slow process. Don’t count it. Focus on getting past each day. Find ways to distract yourself while remembering the important things you need to get done e.g. academics. She had feelings for you and ended on good terms. Mine was infatuated with me, leading me to think everything was real. Then it became my unrequited love and finally treated me in a way I did not deserve but I cannot do anything about it. I am currently trying to move on with my life too and I have good and bad days. I just keep pushing on. Kat gave good advice which you may heed. Do what is best for you now. Try to workout. Channel your negative energy there. It helps. You and I are empathetic and highly sensitive people who feel more than those who are not. Be patient with the healing process. Don’t fear the length of time you will take. The goal is to heal.March 23, 2015 at 4:59 am #74300
@iantingtw It’s incredibly hard not to think, especially with so much empty time on my hand, even when I’m occupied with something else, there is always going to be a time when I’m at home or somewhere else with my mind free to wander, that’s one thing I really hate, I think too much, but I’ll try to find something to channel my negative energy to, thank you.
Okay @Kat…thanks, I’ll try my best, I suppose I haven’t made much of an effort to hang out with friends, my motivation levels have just plummeted but when I can, I’ll see what I can do- and small world, I’m from Melbourne too.March 23, 2015 at 2:07 pm #74331YueParticipant
Sorry to hear about your situation. It’s tough going through a heart break but Kat and Ian provided some good advice here. I find that one of the best way to mend a broken heart is through physical activities like yoga as it keeps you focused on the present rather than the past. Your mind is the worst torturer in these situations so avoid giving it more power by feeding into those thoughts. The next time you think about her, take a deep breath and focus on what you are doing. Taste the food, feel the movement of your feet when you walk, admire the sunset etc. It takes a lot of practice to get out of the negative mind space but it does get easier.April 11, 2015 at 9:45 am #75173Steve DemelParticipant
Some great advice here! I have found breakups never easy for both parties.
There are many great posts on this site that would benefit you, as they have
done for me these past couple of months. I hope you explore the site as I
have done. You see, I’m dealing with the aftermath of my recent breakup as well.
The mixed signals, reading into things too much, the fact that we work together
and she wants to still be friends. Some of this sounds familiar, right?
Things will get better, Ray. Breakups suck. Plain and simple. Know that these
feeling will pass. It will just take time, as already mentioned.
Do yourself a favor, stop reading her texts. You may have already done so since
posting this. Regardless, delete them. Any pictures you have, burn them to a disc,
pack them away, or get rid of them out right. There will come a time when you can
look at them without the pain that you are currently going through.
Also, stop wondering what could have been changed, what could have been if things were done
differently. It sucks, but you have to come to terms with the reality you are facing now.
What has been said/promised no longer stands.
You said that you cry a lot, and you’re a guy? Nothing wrong with that! You’re
only human. You cared for her and invested in your relationship, it is only natural.
You’ve cut off communication with her? This is good, and will help you in the long
run. Just refrain from emailing or calling until you are ready. This is easier said
Live in the moment. Don’t worry about the past or future.
It won’t always be easy, but things will get better!