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Unrequited love with close friend in a new city

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  • #73311
    Vagabound
    Participant

    I need some help!! I’ll try my best to keep this story short. About a year ago, I spent three months in Zurich (I come from Australia). During that time I made a bunch of really close friends and developed a core group which were quite close. In particular, I shared something quite special with one woman (we’ll call her S). After a while, S and I began to see each other more and more, and we began a casual relationship. I’d later learn that she had recently broken up with her boyfriend (who I also knew). Anyway, we decided we’d keep things casual and shared a wonderful couple of months. By the end of the trip I was definitely beginning to develop some feelings but I knew a LDR was not something she would go for (and tried to convince myself the same). So we promised to stay in touch, after all it was likely that I would return to Zurich in 2015 so who knows what would happen…

    Well we did keep in touch – a lot. We began on whattsapp and would later move to email and skype. Early on S was concerned that I was looking for commitment that she couldn’t give. I thought about that for a while and was convinced I wanted to build a friendship. And so we did. We maintained steady contact for 7 months and grew to know each other quite well – enough that I would call her a close and dear friend.

    In January this year I returned to Zurich. S was excited and invited me to her place in the mountains with a mutual friend soon after my return. She had organised a surprise party for me with all my friends the day after. The day after that it all started to unravel. Deep feelings came into play for me. I was confused, and the next night we were at a mutual friend’s party – she was aloof. Instead of being cool about it I asked her what was going on and convinced her I should go back to her place. When we were there she again said she couldn’t do this and we talked into the night. I told her how I felt. After multiple emails we and face to face chats we decided to remain friends.

    Now things are awkward. This weekend we spent time together away with mutual friends. Following that weekend I don’t think she is talking to me any more. This is hard. I feel like I’ve lost a close friend, certainly my best in Zurich. I feel like I need to give her space, but that would mean me not seeing many of my friends while trying to integrate into a new city. It hurts me and I feel constantly anxious… it’s playing havoc with my work and day to day life. Gah… I hate this so much. I feel like my actions have driven away something really special in my life and deeply regret what has happened… There’s much more detail, but this post is already huge. How do I cope with this??

    #73314
    Michael
    Participant

    You have to remember that she is only one person, and you should never make one person the centre of your life. Even an actual partner should only be second to you. To put someone ahead of yourself is very unhealthy, for both you and the person in question (not to say you can’t help a friend in need of course). My point being, she should have no control over your life. If you can’t see other friends because of her, then forget her. You have a life to live! Find another friend to stay with if you must.

    I feel like my actions have driven away something really special in my life and deeply regret what has happened…

    It seems to me like my life has just been a sheer collage of mistakes. Some of them have almost completely destroyed me inside. But do you know what? None of those mistakes matter to me now. I can screw-up things so badly, but every time I do, it is only a matter of time until things get better. You need only wait until all of this blows over. Who knows, you may find an even better friend than S. A friend who can give you definite answers, and doesn’t force you to stand on one leg all the time.

    I really hope this helped! Good luck with your life, I’m sure it will turn out to be amazing!

    #73316
    Stephen
    Participant

    Hi!

    I’ve been in similar situations where my feelings are unreciprocated, not to mention the fact that I’m dealing with a breakup right now, soooo I’ll give you my advice. You’re going to need to cope by leaving her. She no longer exists to you. Not yet, anyway; it’s too soon.

    I know you may not be able to hang out in groups with your friends, but my suggestion would be to get to know more of them on an individual basis, but if they invite you to a party, find something else to do, even if it means simply cleaning your pet turtle’s tank (sorry, that’s what I do when I need a distraction!). And you can maybe ask a colleague if they want to do some activity with you sometime. What do they do in Zurich in February? I imagine a lot of drinking…anyway. You made a great group of friends once, believe in your ability to do it again.

    You are right to feel that you need to give her space, but you need the space, too. Contact with her will make it worse. Get rid of things that remind you of her. Block her calls, delete her pictures and such. I know it sounds harsh, but I really sympathize with you. I wish I could tell my younger self the same kinds of things I’m telling you. You will meet someone else who thinks you’re so fantastic they won’t be able to keep their hands off of you, but it’s not her, unfortunately. With less contact, you might find yourself thinking about her less and less, and then maybe you can try being friends in the not-too-distant future.

    Good Luck, Mate! (Don’t they say that in Australia? Can you tell I’m an obnoxious American?)

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Stephen.
    #73318
    Yue
    Participant

    Having been in a similar situation recently, I know the feeling of missing someone who is a potential romance and a really good friend. The thing is, a heart want what a heart wants and you will be cheating yourself if you didn’t pursue this because of your fear of loosing the relationship. Sure things didn’t work out the way you wanted but the alternative is to tip toe in the grey which is certainly no way to live.

    So you put on your gear, went into battle and lost. That’s ok because those who fear battle are never victorious. The others have some good advice re how to heal and tomorrow is another day to start fresh.

    #73674
    Kay
    Participant

    I’m actually going through somewhat similar situation too. I liked a girl and she liked me back in the beginning (well at least that’s what she said).Later, She told me that she is not ready for commitment and in the beginning i agreed to it and said that i’m cool with it but it seemed like i wasn’t. We talked and texted pretty much everyday and soon she told me that she sees me as her best friend and i guess it made even more comfortable with our relationship and at the same time that even got me more hopeful. Whenever when we went out, she would start talking to other people and that would end up me getting jealous. There was even a situation where i had embarrassed her in the bar by telling people that i like her when i was drunk. I did apologise for my action and since then, I’ve always been insure with going out with her because I was scared that similar feelings would come back and so i’ve avoided our nights out together as much as i can. I genuinely want to get rid of my feelings for her because i know it’s not going to happen but it seems easier said then done. I wasn’t able to eat nor sleep because i was overthinking most of the time. I want to end my over thinking, my jealousy and my love for her. Recently, I told her i need to stop seeing her and that i needed some time for myself and she said that she respected that because She is well aware of what i’m going through and says that she understands. So since then i stopped texting and calling her and for the first 2 days of not texting or calling her was quite difficult, after the 3rd day i guess it got a little better and for that have to thanks my friends who have been so helpful. But recently, she texted me to ask few stuff and all the feelings sort of rushed back to square one. Basically I’m really bad at explaining but i hope people got what i mean. I have no right to be angry at her because in this situation she has done me no wrongs, and we’re not even in a relationship and i don’t know why this has become so difficult. I wish feelings had a switch on and off buttons sometimes.

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