January 16, 2016 at 8:15 am #92661AislynnParticipant
It’s good that you recognize his patterns. This makes it easier for you to analyze the situation.
Great. It’s good that you have expressed yourself to him finally, after all this time. It releases some of what you have held in.
Ahh, I see. Well, it is a good thing that you do not want revenge. Unfortunately for me, I felt the coldness creep up and I wished the worst for him for a bit, and I feel horrible about it now. That’s why I asked about the revenge.
If you do choose to help him out as a friend, stay strong emotionally. It might be easy to let him back in because you see him as needing your help.
If you got everything you needed from her reading, then don’t go back. Just asses the information as much as you need.
You wanting him to take you seriously is a good step, and I am glad that you are willing to enforce the no contact rule so that he understands that this time will not be like all the others.
“He is a contradiction and at one point he is saying he is focused on getting somewhere in his life and want us to take things slow with me yet doesn’t have the time or attention to be my boyfriend but has the time to entertain other girls and go out and smoke weed? Priorities ? I think not.” Good assessment of the situation.
“If he does end up trying to win me over which I believe he will do in time I believe it will all boil down too whether I really want to explore that road again. I have become so much stronger and I realize that around him I instantly feel weak and that can’t be a good feeling. I will be a lot stronger also by that point and their is a huge possibility that I might not even want to entertain this person anymore and politely decline.” Wonderfully said. Yeah, I understand that weak feeling, and now that I look at it, you’re right. It can’t be good. That’s not how we should feel around people we love.
Who could have given him your number? Are you thinking about changing it again?
“I also am realizing that my love is beginning to have a limit. I can’t continue to love someone that hurts me at every chance he gets.And most importantly I am beginning to also see him as the crazy person that he is !” Couldn’t have said it better myself. Love always has its limits, you’re only willing to go so far for some people. Yes, indeed, he is crazy.
I concur with this, “Everything he does it just completely insane and throughout it all he still believes he a good guy! CRAZY!” It is much too true. And unfortunately no matter how many times you try to point out why their actions are not acceptable or okay, they brush it off and say that you are in the wrong. It’s all in their twisted minds.January 16, 2016 at 11:49 pm #92802YueParticipant
Hi Marisol and Aislynn,
It sounds like what you two went through is a form of emotional abuse known as gaslighting. You can find the definition here:
The best way to handle people like this is to get away from them, which is what you are doing now. Hopefully but knowing the techniques these people utilise you can spot someone like this more quickly in the future.January 27, 2016 at 11:53 am #93964
Hey ladies and gents ! 🙂 I have since relapsed with no contact and am beginning to feel very stuck again.
My ex decided to go ahead and promise me the loyalty that I requested without us being in an exclusive relationship. Although it is something that I want , I have to question whether this is something that he wants and also whether taking this road is the correct one as far as my life goals. He seemed to be very receptive to getting back together and offered to take me out on a date. He keeps telling me that he can’t go very long without speaking to me and wants me in his life forever. I am not sure about what I want mostly because my gut is telling me that something is off. Yesterday I ended up catching him in a lie involving a girl and the discovery is making me feel like I am back at square one emotionally. I have heard several times that the universe/god allows a problem to keep re-entering your life in order for you to learn how to fix it and I believe that this might be happening here. I texted him yesterday after my discovery “How are we supposed to get anywhere if you keep on lying to me?”. He kept calling and texting but I was too angry to respond. I feel that I shouldn’t respond all together, cut him loose, and continue on no contact but my guilt of it seeming like I am ghosting him is preventing me from doing so. I remember all the really horrible aspects of our relationship and how he had no real consideration for my feelings which is why I feel that I should just cut him off. I am not really sure what to do but I need to do something and make a change in my life. This hurts.January 27, 2016 at 2:53 pm #93978AislynnParticipant
Glad to hear from you again.
“Although it is something that I want , I have to question whether this is something that he wants” Okay, so you got him to promise loyalty to you, but you’re wondering whether it was something that he wants, which to me says that you did not talk it over enough to ask him if it was what he wanted. Had you, then you would know if it is what he wants. Basically then, it seems this promise was rather vague and one sided.
“I am not sure about what I want mostly because my gut is telling me that something is off. Yesterday I ended up catching him in a lie involving a girl and the discovery is making me feel like I am back at square one emotionally.” I say, trust your extincts. More often than not, I am about to do something but have the sinking suspicion that it is not what I should be doing, and it usually ends up right. Those feelings are there for a reason. Trust them. As for you catching him in a lie, while I do not know what that lie was, ask yourself, does this compromise his promise of loyalty to you? If so, then he all ready broke his promise, which means that he is all ready off to a bad start. Not a good thing. If he broke his promise so soon all ready, what is to stop him from breaking it again?
At this point, while he understands that you are upset, because you did not respond to him, he knows you enough that he knows it is only a matter of time before you start talking to him again. This is what he knows, because it is what you continue to do. I am not judging you, I am simply stating what I see. I say this because he will continue to take advantage of this. In fact, he all ready did. Had he understood the concept of losing you last time when you enforced the no contact rule, he wouldn’t have been lying to you this time.
“I feel that I shouldn’t respond all together, cut him loose, and continue on no contact but my guilt of it seeming like I am ghosting him is preventing me from doing so.” This is how you feel, so ask yourself, what is keeping you there? You admit how bad your relationship to him was, so my question to you is, what prevents you from letting go? And this guilt, about ghosting him. Well, you have a right to simply cease all contact. However, if it makes you feel better, write him a letter. Tell him all the things that made you happy, the good things you shared, but also explain to him how badly he treated you, explain to him how it made you feel. Cuss him out, question him, do whatever you need to. If this is what you need for closure, then do it. However, it is up to you whether you send him this letter or not. Personally, writing the closure letter should be enough, you don’t have to send it. However, if you want to hold him accountable then let him read it.
I know it hurts. It always does, and that is why you are in this dilemma, because you care. It is never easy letting go. It is one of the hardest things to do, but sometimes, you just have to do it because it is what is best for you. Think of what is best for you, not him. You are only responsible for yourself, not him.May 6, 2016 at 9:34 am #103763
Just going to start venting here. I feel that it is safe to release my feelings. I since then relapsed again . We had a good three months going of a relationship that seemed like it was only improving. I found out about another girl that he was cheating on me with last week.He is now in a relationship with this person. There are so many things I don’t understand but in a way , I don’t want to understand it. I think it’s time that I grow up , face this , and grow from it. I am constantly being told that at some point he will be trying to make ways into my life again , and at this point i am just doing to work needed to be able to say no or nothing at all.May 6, 2016 at 9:38 am #103766anitaParticipant
Do vent anytime. Sorry you are in distress. When you want input, please let (the reader, me included) know.
anitaMay 6, 2016 at 11:05 am #103782
I would actually really appreciate input on this situation 🙂May 6, 2016 at 2:15 pm #103788EvanParticipant
From the chaos of the situation and in-between your heart/mind chatter, you have articulated everything so well. I have learnt so much from just reading your thoughts, and from the wonderful responses you have received.
To add to this if I may….. Step back for a moment and define what a relationship is to you. Are you in a place of love, growing, learning, evolving, or repeating a cycle of hurt, pain, anguish?
For me, a relationship is about two whole people sharing their lives. Like two lamps together, they shine on their own, but when close, the light intensifies and is brighter. This is a choice to share, and that choice is made by each person, independently, that benefits both people. Two levels of love exist here also….. A true love (gratitude, harmony, acceptance, empathy, etc) from your innerself that is universal in nature, and an ego love (wants, desires, etc).
I would ask you to look at the relationship you have with this guy and ask yourself a few questions, and answer with as much truth and clarity as you have shared here already. Are you two whole people coming together? Are you both sharing all of yourselves? Are you both authentic and transparent in your actions and thoughts? Is this what you want for yourself?
I have recently learnt from a similar situation, that no matter how much love exists, and time, energy, attention, money, compassion, patience, respect and trust you give, if a person is not willing to do the same in return, then what you think is real….. most likely is not. If he is lying to you, then you are not experiencing who he really is – it is false – and your ‘idea’ of him is also not real, but imagined.
No one else is required to be whole within yourself. Relationships are like a crash course in finding out whether you are whole, or co-dependant. Perhaps you are beginning to see the relationships as it is, not as you wish it to be….
Also to note….. when the two lamps seperate, the light still shines independently of each other. Just as when two people seperate, the intensity of what existed, now feels empty, and that space tricks us into thinking we are not whole, and we need the other to be completed. This is not true….. your light still shines, and you have time now to reflect on what you need to do within to continue growing.
Life reflects back your inner world – this is a great time to understand all your choices made, discover why you made them, and if your choices were not based in self love, what is the belief, or thoughts that allowed you to move away from loving yourself.
I know it hurts – a deep hurt – and at the same time, here is the universe offering you another chance to learn and grow from your experience.
I wish you all the best in your journey of self discovery