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Aislynn

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  • #111180
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, that makes a lot of sense. You would want your child to be assertive and confident.

    I have a little update about the whole situation. I haven’t spoken to my mother about the issue right now, but yesterday I woke up with the strongest anxiety I’ve had in a very long time. I actually woke up from my sleep because of how anxious I felt. I tried to go back to sleep but it didn’t help and trying different aspects of mindfulness didn’t work either.

    Unfortunately, this anxiety issue has everything to do with Richard. In my dream I was picking up my brother and Michelle’s son from school and I had gone to this weird street fair. I was in the parking lot and Michelle came to pick up her son from me because she had gotten out of work early, she left, and then Ava came. As soon as Ava appeared in my dream I sensed what was coming. So I start walking out of the parking lot and into the street fair and everywhere I go, Ava follows. I start feeling anxious and I want to get away. Ava then phones someone, and I know that it is Richard, and she then tells me that he is coming. For some reason, I then sit down at a table and wait. I actually don’t remember anything else from my dream, but I woke up with such an intense feeling of anxiety that I cannot believe a dream prompted this.

    This anxiety was overwhelming in a completely different way than I’ve experienced during other times. I felt anxious for about two hours and it did not dissipate regardless of what I tried. I tried various techniques to take myself away from the anxiety, but nothing worked. The only technique that somewhat helped was picturing myself on a mountain and paying attention to all of the details, but even then my anxiety and dread followed.

    #110890
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your concern. I really appreciate it.

    I completely agree with you about the assertiveness. I don’t have many friends, and my family is my support system in so many ways. Therefore, I feel like I don’t want to disappoint her or my family. What you say is true which is why I now see why I would have preferred to turn Richard down myself instead of telling my mother that I was not interested.

    You are right, looking at it, I did seem to be open to negotiation. I wasn’t, but I made it seem like I was. I suppose I felt that telling my mom that I did not feel like it would be enough to get her to understand. Clearly, it wasn’t. So I will definitely do my best to be more assertive the next time this topic comes up.

    #110888
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Choccoffeewine,

    Job-wise I then get the impression that he is attached not only to his job itself, but perhaps to the progress he has made within the company and the environment as well. You say he is in an executive position, so I can imagine the pride he has in regards to his job and position, which is a great thing. However, in this case it is not such a good thing since you have mentioned how often he has to be away, how often you have to relocate, how he has gained weight and doesn’t sleep much.

    Freelancing is a great idea. You have your own hours (depending on the job and the load) and certainly then seems more feasible that a traditional job with full time or part time hours. Of course, since it would be your first time freelancing then you would have to do some research in regards to the process for your taxes, the best way to attract clients or work, etc. But it can be done.

    Having a conversation with you children regarding plans, “if we’re still here” seems exhausting and and like such a hindrance. Not just for you, but for your children. I can imagine that it keeps you from doing a lot of things that you might want to do or that your children might want to do. It also makes you feel like an outsider/visitor even in your own home because you don’t know how long you’ll be there. Therefore, you can’t plan accordingly. It must be frustrating to say to yourself, “I’m not even going to bother unpacking this” because it means that the items don’t get used or displayed and then there is something lacking and your house is not as you would like it to be. For example, I currently rent the house I live in, I don’t like the area too much and while I would love to have a garden and a beautiful backyard, I am not letting myself do it because realistically my situation could change in a few months or a few years, and then I would have done all that work for nothing. I feel so frustrated about it which is why I understand your situation.

    I think that the biggest part of your resentment comes from having started to plan to stay where you are until your children finished high school. The reason I say that is because prior to then you probably would have been expecting to keep moving every once in a while and would not have held on to any hopes. However, planning to stay must have sparked hope and opened up a lot of possibilities that you would not have allowed yourself to consider up until that point. Therefore, when he said that on the phone must have felt as though he was pulling the ground from under you because you were just getting used to the idea of staying. After travelling for so long, it must have seemed like a good change.

    In regards to speaking with your husband I completely agree with what Anita has told you. One thing I would say to consider speaking to him about is your resentment towards your job, and how planning to stay really made you feel happy and at home.

    #110866
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Yes, it was my mother who suggested it. I actually told her I didn’t think I’d like him and that I didn’t really feel like going out with him. That was when she told me that I might end up liking him since he had a few good things going for him.

    I don’t understand the pressure for us to date. Therefore, yes I will speak to my mother about it as soon as she mentions anything about him. I don’t feel comfortable being the one to bring it up to her, so I will wait for when she mentions it again.

    Now that I’ve spoken with you about the matter I feel SO much better. I don’t feel as stressed or anxious about the situation. I suppose I just needed someone to talk to. Thank you for listening Anita.

    #110799
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You are right. I do need to practice being assertive. It is not so much a problem with strangers, but rather when it’s someone related to me or whom my parents know. I don’t know, I guess I don’t want to seem rude or like a bad person. Realistically, I know that turning down requests won’t make me look like a bad person, but I still feel bad for doing it. I’ve gotten a lot better at being assertive when it comes to my judge-mental grandmother who I now refuse to visit. Stepping away from her was a big step for me, but I know that I am not as assertive as I should be.

    I had never heard that quote before, but it is definitely something I will keep in mind because I can see how true it is.

    That being said, I still don’t know how I will deal with this situation. I just hope it never comes up again, doubtful though. I feel that the only way in which perhaps I can get Richard and Ava to back down is if I speak with Richard directly. Since I don’t want to see him or go on a date with him I was thinking about telling my mom to tell Ava to tell Richard to send me a message through social media/add me as a friend so that I can speak to him and tell him that I am not interested. I feel that otherwise, without direct contact with me, he won’t understand. Does that sound like a good idea?

    If it was a good idea though, what would I even say to him? I don’t want to cut him off right out of nowhere, rather I want to give him an informed decision about my choice not to want his friendship/courting. I know that I do not owe it to him, but I think that by explaining my motives he will better understand and accept my decision.

    #110797
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Choccoffeewine,

    There’s a lot of information here, so let me see if I understand correctly. The changes in the industry are forcing him to move to another city/state. So what would happen if he stayed? Would he be no longer have a job, or would he still have the same job but with a lower pay? The reason I ask that is because I feel that that is the most important question to your dilemma.

    I understand your frustration, disappointment, and fatigue. It is completely understandable. I would be tired of moving as well if I were in your place, especially since you’re not always staying in the same state. If you were childless, then perhaps it’d be easier. However, as you said, you are the one being left to wander about trying to figure out the house, school, utilities, groceries, etc. Because of that, I can also understand the resentment. I’ve heard it said that the person who has to make sacrifices for the other ends up with resentment. I can see why that is true.

    Could you perhaps get a part time job while the children are away at school? I think that would still leave you enough time to attend to them and pick them up from school.

    I don’t think it is selfish of you at all to not want to relocate because the way I see it, you have been sacrificing yourself for his job since your first move. You have been the one who has repeatedly had to start over in the workforce, with friends, etc, while he has not really had to give anything up. Yes, he is the sole provider for your family, but moving is still a sacrifice you are making because you are uprooting your children and yourself all because of his job.

    I did notice that there was no specific question in your post. What are your thoughts on the matter in regards to if you were to stay?

    #110790
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I know that Ava’s eldest brother is in the process of divorce after his wife cheated on him and took advantage of his financial situation. This makes me think that perhaps Ava doesn’t want Richard to end up in the same situation. Thinking about all of Ava’s possible intentions makes me feel guilty because perhaps she only has good intentions?

    She’s not a powerful person in my life, it’s just that I HATE confrontation. I’ve never been good at standing my ground when it comes to my elders. I was taught to respect my elders and do as I was told. Therefore, I don’t have the slightest clue as to how to turn her down when I haven’t even spoken to her about the matter if that makes sense.

    #110775
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Aschristyseesit,

    I definitely agree with you about the ebb and flow of the anxiety. There might be weeks or months during which I am perfectly content with my life, making progress or simply just not filled with worry, guilt, or anxiety. However, then it seems to creep up and grab a hold of me. Sometimes my anxiety doesn’t even seem to creep up, it just knocks me right down. I then start over analyzing and worrying about events that happened way too long ago, or things that might not even occur. If there’s anything to worry about, I worry about it. I worry about past conversations, future events, my safety, etc.

    I completely and absolutely agree with you in regards to never considering nitpicking others. I nitpick myself obsessively at times, always finding faults with my looks, personality, progress in life, etc. However, I never ever consider doing it to someone else. The way I see it, I don’t know what stage of life the other person is coming from, friend or stranger. I don’t know what internal problems they are going through, if they are having a bad day, or they have had a bad life. Therefore, I don’t nitpick others, rather I have compassion and bring it upon myself to be nice and understanding. Now, that always brings me to question why I can never seem to do that for myself. I have no problem nitpicking myself, so why can’t I express the same compassion for myself?

    I’ve gotten better at it, and while I find myself still nitpicking myself, I do my best to try and point out a few things I like about myself or the way I handled certain situations and that makes it all the better for me.

    My favorite mindfulness techniques would be awareness, observation, and simply breathing. One technique does not work all of the times, which is why I employ different techniques at different times. It greatly helps me to slow down my racing mind by simply observing or taking the time to appreciate something that I would have not otherwise noticed. By practicing mindfulness I have become so much aware of myself and my surroundings.

    So much of what you said to Maria about being taught to worry resonates so much with me. Everyone in my family from a young age, since I was the oldest told me it was up to me to take care of my siblings and keep them safe (I had a single mom) and then, much like yourself, as I grew older I taught myself to worry.

    A lot of the techniques and advice that others have given you seem excellent and I hope they help you manage your anxiety better. I really agree with the advice that Maria gave you.

    #110735
    Aislynn
    Participant

    XenopusTex,

    What an interesting topic.

    I myself have been wondering the same thing. Unfortunately, their fear agenda has been working on me. I am scared and worried because all these attacks seem to be more and more common place, and I’m not just talking about terrorist attacks, but also shooters who have had mental problems.

    As a society we seem to be crumbling from the inside out. Hate, fear, and greed are corrupting us. Of course, not every single one of us, but there seem to be so many radical ideas but no one strong or brave enough to do something about it. In my opinion, presidents like Truman and Roosevelt had the guts and courage to stand up and fight to do what is right. However, our current president lacks that. He seems to be too scared to call it what it is and fight against it. The impression he is giving is that we should all just sit back and act like scared defenseless sheep against the wolves.

    To me, the type of president we have as our leader makes all the difference in the attitude and overall feeling of our country. With a strong leader, others will want to rise and help out. With a weak leader, we will all just sit back without much power to do anything.

    I agree that what we are experiencing could not possibly compare to the horrors of the holocaust, the Vietnam War, etc. However, I think that we feel like it is such a big threat because most of us were not alive then, or too small to remember. Yeah, we learned about it and school, but there’s a big difference between hearing about it, and experiencing even a fraction of it.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Aislynn.
    #110733
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    By saying four months I just meant sometime in the near future. This all depends on when his family has a birthday party or celebration that we (my family) are invited to. For all I know it could be anywhere from one month to a year.

    It freaks me out because I don’t know him. I don’t like the idea of being set up or going on a date with a stranger. I’d much rather be friends first (arising from a normal situation, not something that’s been contrived). This is way WAY too much out of my comfort zone.

    In regards to something you said in the other thread. You are right, I would then not only have to worry about Richard and his thoughts about me, but I’d also most likely be dealing with the opinions of Ava, Michelle, and my mom. Quite frankly, that makes me feel like a soap opera that they are creating and getting together to discuss. On top of that, I have no idea just how much Richard would share with his sisters.

    Part of me wants to date someone I’ve been set up with because I figure it might be a better/easier match, but then I also cannot stand the prospect of all the meddling. But then again, I also would rather deal with meddling, than going out with a stranger whose family night not even like me.

    I have not even gone on one date with him and I am already having such intense and conflicting thoughts.

    #110731
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Wow, what great insight you have given me. I thought that I was overreacting in my thoughts in regards to not wanting to date him. I felt that I was just looking for excuses to deny him.

    I certainly don’t want to be his cook or maid, which I certainly got the impression of. I am not traditional in the sense that a man should expect that of me if we ever got together which is why I felt so disturbed and bothered by it.

    From what I know, he hasn’t been dating anyone in at least the past year (Michelle told me this a long time ago). From what I also know, Ava seems to be very close to her brother Richard, as well as to her other brother. After what you told me, I figured that maybe she wants us to date because she figures I might be easy to manipulate.

    I actually had lunch with my mom and Ava twice last month, and wow was it awkward. We spoke a little, and that’s stretching things because it was minimal random things, and this was after her initial prompt.

    Honestly, her interest seems to have picked up after the first time we had lunch during which one of their male workers are with us as well. He made a comment to her around the lines of, “hey, Aislynn’s very pretty don’t you think, it’s such a shame that I don’t come from money and that I am married.” Of course said coworker said it to Ava in private, after which she told my mother. By no means would I encourage his behavior. However, I’m thinking that it might have sparked her interest a little more.

    Now that I think about it, there was actually a third time in which I saw Richard. However, during this one occasion, his sister Margaret came up to greet us when she got there, and then Richard also came to shake my hand. So in my opinion, if I were to spark his interest it would have been in that initial greeting, don’t you think?

    As it is now, I don’t know how to turn down the request, because it’s basically only been a conversation between Richard, Ava, and my mom. I haven’t even been asked for input. My mother actually thought I should give it a try, she said that despite how different we might be that we might have fun since he has a few good things going for him. So again, now he’s being the one objectified based on his looks and what Ava has told my mom about him. Ugh.

    I don’t even want to bring it up that I’m not interested because I am worried that it’ll only make Ava more resolved to get us to meet.

    #110698
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Aschristyseesit,

    So much of what you wrote resonated with me. I’ve had social anxiety and general anxiety for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it’s barely there and manageable. Other times, it makes me want to run and hide away. It makes me feel so physically and emotionally ill that sometimes I don’t even know how I manage to go through the motions of life. I can say for certainty that there are spells during which I find myself aggravated, irritated, worried, and upset just about everything. I find myself nitpicking myself and my experiences.

    However, practicing mindfullness and taking it one day at a time, has greatly helped me. I still have bad days, but it has gotten so much better that quite honestly, sometimes I forget about how much I used to hate/fear doing certain things.

    I agree with Inky in that we live in society that seeks to blame the victim. However, we also live in a society in which it is unacceptable to be happy with one self or one’s life. It seems as though society wants everyone to be miserable. You can’t post a good picture about yourself, or say something without offending someone/inviting them to berate you on how privileged or selfish you are. I’ve seen so many people get backlash over sharing a good moment in their life. One that comes to mind is a man who had lost a significant amount of weight and was happy to share his progress. Some commended him for his efforts, other said he was showing off, that others had done better, etc. Another woman shared a picture of herself while being pregnant saying how she managed to stay in shape and eat healthy. A lot of people were rude and said she was putting her child in danger, that she wasn’t eating enough, that it wasn’t healthy, that she was offending those who were not lucky enough to have the same results etc.

    Continually I see more and more people attacking each other for being happy with themselves and their lives. It’s sad that we continuously tear each other down for being happy. We should aim to build each other up, not tear each other down. Sadly, I hear so many people say that, while bashing someone, and then they say they are not bashing anyone, it’s happened to me. However, I honestly mean it.

    What I am trying to say is, I don’t find it strange at all that you seem to seek to make yourself feel guilty. I don’t mean that to be harsh at all. I’ve been there and felt that way. What I am trying to say is that it is becoming more and more common for people to blame themselves. I don’t like that at all. Why are we so intent on getting people to hate themselves/make themselves guilty?

    I also agree with Inky in regards to being ashamed of my anxiety and then being ashamed because I was ashamed. I’ve felt that so often, that I didn’t know what to make of it, and I just ended up feeling a lot more frustrated.

    Yes, you can be that carefree individual you want to be. However, that won’t be everyday. Some days you’ll feel amazing, others not so much. You just have to learn that the anxiety will always be with you, I don’t believe it’s something that will go away completely but it does become manageable. I don’t think it will haunt you your whole life, so long as you don’t let it control you. While you do have to validate your guiltiness and remorse, etc. you cannot let it control you. You have to accept it and try to move past it.

    #110676
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I was doing very well with my anxiety. In my everyday interactions with people I was doing fine. To my surprise I actually found myself engaging in better conversations with strangers/ actually paying attention. It really felt good. However, I have reached another setback which brings me fear, anguish, and anxiety. This situation honestly makes me want to hide away. This particular dilemma is in regards to going back to dating about which I’ve just posted. The idea of going out with this guy gives me so much anxiety because I don’t know him, but do know his family. I don’t want to make a fool of myself. I don’t want him to think I’m ugly. I don’t want to deal with all the social aspects of going on dates out to places I’ve never been. It’s one thing to go out and be somewhere new, a level of anxiety I can sort of manage, and it’s another thing to be there with someone I could possibly get romantically involved with. It is scaring me so much that I couldn’t really sleep at all last night. I feel the anxiety surging and rising within me, despite the fact that maybe I won’t get to meet him for a good 4 months or so. It feels as though I am worrying over nothing. However, you have taught me that my emotions and feelings are valid and I’m trying to apply that. I don’t want to miss out on a good guy simply because I’m too nervous and scared to go on a date/go out to places. Any insight for me Anita?

    #110669
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It’s been a while since I last wrote to you. It’s taken me quite some time to accept that all my feelings are valid. However, just a few weeks ago I found myself in a state of complete peace and satisfaction. It seems to have come out of nowhere and it was the most calm and perfect moment for me. For some reason, in that moment I found myself wishing my ex boyfriend the best. I found myself finally letting go of wanting to be with him/wanting to see him again. I never thought I’d reach that point. I don’t know what prompted that moment or those realizations, as well as others, but it felt so good and empowering to let go of that hate, anger, and resentment that I was clenching onto. I owe this to you, because of all the advice and words we’ve shared. So thank you for helping me in regards to this. I truly appreciate it.

    #100298
    Aislynn
    Participant

    Wow thanks everyone, that definitely helped a lot!

    Anita, your very vivid descriptions really helped me visualize what it’s supposed to feel like and what I am supposed to be doing. Thank you for that. It cleared up a lot of things for me. Next time I do yoga, which should be tomorrow, I will definitely keep that in mind.

    Anyone, thank you for your sharing your experience. You’re right about this, “Also, when we see it as a ‘task’ it becomes difficult but if we breathe longer and try to enjoy the pose while concentrating on the stretch a particular pose gives to the part of the body, it solves the purpose.”

    Acaciarickard, “I used to be the same. I felt like it should relax me, but in reality it made me stressed out because I wasn’t as flexible as the teacher, my balance was off, some poses really made my muscles burn (which made me want to stop) and my mind was rushing – figuring out how to do all those things AND focus on this present moment seemed ridiculous.” Thank you for this. It sums up how I feel at times. At those times I really struggle with whether I should continue doing yoga or not.

    “Even Buddhist monks who’ve been practicing meditation for years say of course they get thoughts, the idea isn’t to get rid of the thoughts, it’s to watch them and let them pass without being dragged down the road by them! Now in my practice, when I remember to focus on my breath I do, but if I don’t it’s no big deal. I also have days where silencing the mind seems impossible, and days where it’s simple as anything.. and I guess that’s helped me to learn that everything is cyclical, everything is changing, nothing is the same and to let go of attachment.” This really makes me feel more assured about doing yoga. I was feeling discouraged because I felt that I should be able to clear my mind of all things. I like the way you view it.

    Thank you for your tips. I most definitely will try different types of yoga.

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