January 30, 2016 at 9:30 am #94312
First, to what you wrote last in the above post. Your ex boyfriend told you that you will never find anyone else, that you will not do well without him because he was angry (spiteful, to use your word) and wanted to hurt you and to want him in the future and be sorry for rejecting him. And he succeeded, his manipulation worked. All this time later, his words are still fresh in your brain and you believe him… at least some. And you want to contact him just to prove him wrong… and according to him manipulative plan, you will reach out to him and it will be his turn to say: now, I don’t want you!
In regard to the rest of your post: I would tell a man you date in the future that you don’t want children any time it comes up, anytime future plans with you or with a potential partner comes up in conversation. You can even tell him on the first date if it comes to your mind. Once it is in your mind while you are dating: say it, don’t keep it in, that will distress you, i think.
An introverted man, not a popular and very social guy and one who does not want to have children, at this point, would be a good match for you.. as well as one who is capable of providing comfort to you, a mutual comforting prospect.
You know you are not ready or willing now, and that is okay. You don’t need to follow a marketed, socially accepted script, whatever it may be. You don’t have to follow any tradition… you make your own way. This is the beauty of freedom.
And I would like to think of Aislynn as free…
Keep up the good work!
anitaFebruary 1, 2016 at 7:33 am #94558
“his manipulation worked. All this time later, his words are still fresh in your brain and you believe him… at least some. And you want to contact him just to prove him wrong… ” Yes, exactly. Well, I don’t want to reach out to him, I want him to notice that I am fine without him. I want to prove to him that I am doing great without him. I just can’t get myself out of that mindset. I wish I didn’t feel like I had to prove anything to him.
A few months ago I was at a local grocery store. I never shop there because I don’t like the environment and the workers, but I really needed some oranges for my juice so I stopped by. I went in, got the oranges and quickly headed to the register to pay. There were a few people in front of me and I was waiting patiently. Then, someone comes up behind me and out of the corner of my eye, I see that it is my ex boyfriend’s friend. I freak out!! My heart is beating really fast and I can’t stop myself from thinking, ” I must look terrible” (I was wearing workout clothes and was somewhat sweaty after my jog) and I was also thinking that I must look weird just buying a big sack of oranges. In that moment, I just wanted to look presentable. I couldn’t help but think that this friend of his would tell him he had seen me at the store. I was so caught up in how I looked.
I’ve been trying to tear myself away from wanting to make an impression on my ex. However, it is this feeling that does not want to dissipate. However, I know that I don’t just want him to see that I am doing good. I want him to see and realize that I am doing better than him. I suppose this all stems from him bragging about how well he was doing without me when we broke up.
His life is a mess, and I am very ashamed to admit… but I was glad to read that so far he’s not having a good year, but I don’t want to feel that way. Him having a bad year is no cause for celebration. I shouldn’t be happy about that. I know it makes me look bitter and resentful and I want no part in that. I don’t like the idea of feeling good simply because he is having a bad time. Again, this all stems from all those last conversations between me and him.
“Once it is in your mind while you are dating: say it, don’t keep it in, that will distress you, I think.” Yeah, that sounds right. I do think it would distress me, very much so.
“An introverted man, not a popular and very social guy and one who does not want to have children, at this point, would be a good match for you.” How am I supposed to find an introverted man though? I mean, how am I even going to get to talking to him? If I am an introvert, and not good at talking to others, because of my social anxiety, and he is an introvert, well, how are we supposed to start talking? Also, wouldn’t it be counterproductive to be with someone who is also an introvert like me? I say this because really, if I were to be in a relationship with a man like this, well I don’t think there would be much of a chance for social interactions/gatherings and we’d basically not have many friends or go out much.
“And I would like to think of Aislynn as free…” I would like to as well. I want to be free to travel the world, discover new things for myself, help others, move around, and not feel tied down. Being free is what I aim for.February 1, 2016 at 9:06 am #94570
As I read your post about the grocery store experience I was thinking what a good writer you are. You have the ability to describe a situation in such detail that I can see it, step by step. I think you have a real skill and talent, so much so that the idea of you writing for a living seems possible to me and it is exciting!
As to how are you supposed to meet an introvert if you are one? Well he doesn’t have to be an extreme introvert, and neither are you supposed to be at the extreme end of the introvert- extrovert continuum. This is an All-or-Nothing thinking, isn’t it?
About you being happy about your ex boyfriend not having had a good year, what it tells me is that he hurt you, that you came out of that relationship hurt. So naturally you want to hurt him back, you want him to hurt for the hurt he caused you. It is natural. It does not indicate you are a bad person, only that you were hurt.
His prediction that you will not do well without him hurt you a lot, and this is why you want to …correct that hurt by proving to him you are doing well and better than he does. Only what he thinks doesn’t really matter (hard to believe, isn’t it?)-
One day you will realize that what he thinks doesn’t matter.
anitaFebruary 1, 2016 at 10:49 am #94589
“As I read your post about the grocery store experience I was thinking what a good writer you are. You have the ability to describe a situation in such detail that I can see it, step by step. I think you have a real skill and talent, so much so that the idea of you writing for a living seems possible to me and it is exciting!” Thank you for your kind words. It is exciting, now that I am not perpetually worried about it.
“This is an All-or-Nothing thinking, isn’t it?” Oh my, you’re right!! I went to extremes in my thinking. Gosh, I feel a bit silly now.
“It is natural. It does not indicate you are a bad person, only that you were hurt.” I’m glad. For a while I was really caught up in thinking that I was a bad twisted person for feeling that way. That there was something wrong with me for thinking that way.
“Only what he thinks doesn’t really matter (hard to believe, isn’t it?)” It is hard to believe, or at least it was, a while ago. However, I came to realize that what he says or thinks about me doesn’t matter because it has no real power. It doesn’t change anything. I am where I am today, because of the effort I’ve put in, because of the choices I’ve made. Him thinking highly of me changes nothing. It is simply an opinion. Despite my rational thinking though, I still feel like I have something to prove to him. I guess deep down his opinion of me still matters a bit.February 1, 2016 at 11:19 am #94594
There are valid, true messages behind our emotions and it is about finding what those are. When you wished your ex boyfriend to have a bad year, the valid message, I believe, is: he hurt him and I want him hurt back. The not-valid, incorrect message is: I am a bad, twisted person. And so, if you practice deciphering correct, true, real messages behind your emotions and dismissing the incorrect, false, unreal messages, you will increase your “emotional intelligence” a lot! This will help you in your personal life and in your writing career!
It is okay to practice all-or-nothing thinking, who doesn’t? You just pay attention and correct and move on, always patient and kind to yourself.
anitaFebruary 1, 2016 at 2:48 pm #94608
“The not-valid, incorrect message is: I am a bad, twisted person. And so, if you practice deciphering correct, true, real messages behind your emotions and dismissing the incorrect, false, unreal messages, you will increase your “emotional intelligence” a lot!” You are right Anita, I did not respond to the issue as I should have.
The reason I believed myself to be a bad person was because I was taught that feeling bitterness/need for revenge was a character flaw. I wish I didn’t think that way because we all experience all different sorts of emotions but that was what my grandmother instilled in me. She taught me that those sorts of emotions were bad, that they made a person a sinner I suppose.February 1, 2016 at 3:11 pm #94614
Our emotions do not make us good or bad. It is the behavior that we carry that makes us good or bad at any one time. We don’t choose our emotions, we just feel them. And everyone feels anger. No one, and I mean, not a single person in the world is free of anger and the desire to hurt another at times. So if feelings make us bad then.. everyone is bad. And how can a person have peace if a person is afraid of feeling anger or a person is ashamed for feeling anger? All emotions are okay to feel, all of them, every single one at any time.
anitaJuly 27, 2016 at 7:36 am #110669
It’s been a while since I last wrote to you. It’s taken me quite some time to accept that all my feelings are valid. However, just a few weeks ago I found myself in a state of complete peace and satisfaction. It seems to have come out of nowhere and it was the most calm and perfect moment for me. For some reason, in that moment I found myself wishing my ex boyfriend the best. I found myself finally letting go of wanting to be with him/wanting to see him again. I never thought I’d reach that point. I don’t know what prompted that moment or those realizations, as well as others, but it felt so good and empowering to let go of that hate, anger, and resentment that I was clenching onto. I owe this to you, because of all the advice and words we’ve shared. So thank you for helping me in regards to this. I truly appreciate it.July 27, 2016 at 9:30 am #110681
You are welcome. I am glad you experienced that calm. Returning to calm as often as you can is healthy for you. Notice I wrote “returning” to calm. Wish we could be always calm. Impossible, this is why we have to come back to it.
anitaJune 13, 2017 at 9:27 am #152948MargeParticipant
I know it’s been a while since your post was created, but I’m living something very very similar. The more I read the more I can relate to your story with you ex.
But I’m still in the breaking up phase and it’s been like hell. I’m suffering like never before and even though I know he got all these issues I can’t stop loving him. It’s like a part of me still want to believe that he will change. But that goes on the opposite way of reality – since our relationship lasted 6 years and he had all the chances a person could have to live a better life and never did anything about it.
He still contacts me with promises and love quotes. I’m confused between anger, disappointment, pain, love, forgiveness and soo many different feelings.
I didn’t know how to contact you directly. So I just would like to know how you are and how things are working out for you so far because I really can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel and it feels like I’m going to live like this forever.
I thank you in advance for your time and input.
Wish all the best!