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Marge

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)
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  • #325811
    Marge
    Participant

    Hello Maria,

    I agree with Anita, you should find a way to detach yourself from this friendship. From your post, it’s draining you for years. It’s a friendship that doenst fit with what you believe about human relationships. Abusive or not, doesn’t matter the definition, what matters is how it makes you feel. And from what you wrote, doesn’t make you feel very good. When we feel bad about ourselves, it’s easier to be envious of what others have. You both grew up together but you have a good career, a nice boyfriend, a degree. While she still struggling to find her place. She might not be doing it consciously, but she’s aggressive towards you out of spite like you said, that is clear.

    Your pasta traumas might be tricking you into compensate for what you “think” you failed at: saving your friend’s life from the accident. But these are two different circumstances and you seem clever enough to realize this. Free yourself from these obligations, this is not your burden, not your cross to carry.

    I hope you’re able to forgive yourself and live a life true to yourself.

    Keep us posted!

    Wish you the best!

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by Marge.
    #325777
    Marge
    Participant

    Hello White Desann,

    At least from my part I was just considering what you wrote about yourself and those are great qualities for a man. Being sensitive and emotional (that many confuse with desperation), to me, are also good qualities as well and I prefer that over the macho man posture that some consider attractive. I also live in one of the biggest economy centers in the world and I know what you mean about London, but mathematicallly speaking, you have about 5 million female opportunities there (yes, I checked haha). And you can always extend your search for neighboring towns.

    Buuut, from your last post I got the feeling that you’re wallowing in self pity and that’s definitely not something – women and men – find attractive. When people tell you that you should love yourself and be content with your own presence, they don’t mean you should be okay with being single, they mean you shouldn’t come from a place of emptiness and expect someone else to fulfill this hole. You sound like you’re waiting for a woman that’s going to show you how valuable you are and that’s not how it works. The world will perceive you as your portrait yourself.

    It’s a tragedy and it breaks my heart to see a man like this but I believe you can overcome this negative view of yourself, given time and work on your part. Therapy sessions help a lot, a professional is the best option so I’d recommend that. And also, the dating scene might not be doing you good, I’d suggest detox from that a little bit.

    And feel free to post anytime!

    Wish you the best!

    #325729
    Marge
    Participant

    Hello Maria,

    I agree with Anita, you should find a way to detach yourself from this friendship. From your post, it’s draining you for years. It’s a friendship that doenst fit with what you believe about human relationships. Abusive or not, doesn’t matter the definition, what matters is how it makes you feel. And from what you wrote, doesn’t make you feel very good. When we feel bad about ourselves, it’s easier to be envious of what others have. You both grew up together but you have a good career, a nice boyfriend, a degree. While she still struggling to find her place. She might not be doing it consciously, but she’s aggressive towards you out of spite like you said, that is clear.

    Your pasta traumas might be tricking you into compensate for what you “think” you failed at: saving your friend’s life from the accident. But these are two different circumstances and you seem clever enough to realize this. Free yourself from these obligations, this is not your burden, not your cross to carry.

    I hope you’re able to forgive yourself and live a life true to yourself.

    Keep us posted!

    Wish you the best!!

    #325727
    Marge
    Participant

    Hello White Desann,

    You seem like a great catch! Haha

    As a woman who used dating apps for a while, I can say that it was a very bad experience for my self esteem. The whole concept of human menu is somewhat disturbing and a lot of people there are extremely superficial.

    I feel like searching for love in dating apps is like searching for a needle in a haystack and it can drain you while you do it.

    I like to consider myself attractive haha and it’s definitely not like you’re saying. We might get a lot of options if we want sex but very few if we want to have something meaningful.

    Maybe you’re coming across too desperate but one thing that I noticed is that for the right person, it won’t matter.

    I went on some dates with a guy I was messaging back and forth and he had the posture of “I’m interested but not too interested”, he said things like “you have to be super good to be in my life”, “I’ll have fun with or without you” and so on. I thought he was either really not interested or that he was trying not to come across desperate. But I actually liked him so had him behaved naturally, maybe we’d still be talking. Regardless of his motivations, I lost interest and wouldn’t be sticking around to figure it out.

    Around the same time I met my current boyfriend, who I didn’t meet in a dating app. He was thoughtful and not afraid to show his feelings. Hes more like the sensitive, romantic kind of guy. He literally told me how much he was impressed and how much he wanted to know more about me. His caring ways, his honesty and genuine vibe made me want to focus my attention towards him until we became official.

    He told me that many women thought he was less “alpha male”, too sensitive, too deep, too emotional, maybe even too desperate but to me it’s exactly what made me pay attention in the first place.

    I had no doubt in my mind that I made the right choice.

    Im definitely not the holder of the truth but if I can give my two cents, I’d say get a break from dating apps and try to meet people organically. Its slow paced and you’re definitely not going to have so many options but I think its healthier. Also, don’t change your ways to be more desirable for the majority, be honest and be who you are. If she likes you perfect, if she doesnt you can move forward and find a better match.

    Let us know how it goes!

    Wish you the best!!

    #325183
    Marge
    Participant

    You don’t need to feel bad about acknowleding your fears. The first step to improve is to realize where you need to put in some work. Also, your fear resonates with me a lot. That’s what I used to think, that my ex was my only and one true love, that I had no chance in finding that again.

    It’s a good thing that you already know what can be the source of your feelings right now. When we feel unloved as a child, we seek for love outside of ourselves when adults. All the love that you need is within you…this sounds super cliche, but in my experience, this was the answer for me: self-love.

    When I learned that being accepting, compassionate and loving with myself I realized that there wasn’t a void anymore, that I was expecting other people to fill. When you feel empty, you wish someone will come and fill you but that’s not how it works because you’re putting the responsibility of your own happiness into someone else’s hands.

    About meditation, you dont need to spend money on it. There are a lot of good guided meditations apps like Calm, Insight Timer etc – they’re mostly free. Also some good teachers on youtube. I’d recommend you to search up Sarah Blondin, she has a pretty good podcast on soundclound and youtube called Live Awake. Give it a try and tell me how you feel.

    #325163
    Marge
    Participant

    Well, some days are worse than others. Sometimes I would call a friend or family, other times I would try to distract myself with work, TV shows…alcohol or sleeping pills to numb my pain. On the good days I was able to meditate, be positive about the day, be grateful.

    But I had many moments when all I could was sit with my pain and allow myself to feel it. With this I learned that pain isn’t a negative feeling, it is an indication that’s something is wrong and needs to be addressed. A lot of diseases that are deadly don’t show symptoms. So it will help you to allow yourself to feel the pain and look to the direction it is pointing inside of yourself: why does it hurt so much? Why am I so attached to this person? What makes his words so triggering to me?

    All of these questions can help you to have a better knowledge about yourself and help you to cure whatever is making you feel this pain.

    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by Marge.
    #325153
    Marge
    Participant

    Hello Chantel,

    A couple of years ago I went through a hard break up as well and the first thing I want to say is that this pain will pass. It was something hard for me to believe. I thought it would last forever but it doesn’t, it will go away and if you work on yourself, you’ll get out of it stronger.

    Now, focusing on the relationship itself, you said that you were dating but weren’t official, eventhough this seems like a problem to you. I know it might be hard to read this but if he wanted to commit, he would have done it already.

    In fact, he was in a very easy and comfortable position. For 4 years he had all the benefits of being in a relationship, without actually being in one. So obviously he is now mad at you. Your decision puts him in a uncomfortable place but even with this, he’s not ready to commit to you so he tries to blame you into agreeing to his terms once more.

    The wise thing to do is listen to his words and actions. From your post, I read that he doesn’t truly want a commited relationship with you. I know it’s hard but, again, from what you said on your post, it seems that you did the right decision by not settling for this any longer.

    You deserve someone that truly wants to be with you, be part of your family and daily life. However, in order to have this person, you’ll need to free the path – this guy is just blocking the door.

    Wish you all the best!

    #325147
    Marge
    Participant

    Hello Yarina,

    I was reading your messages and I couldnt help but think that you and this guy might not be a good match. You’re expecting your date to do and say things that this guy is either not ready or not willing.

    The fact is that when we are in the phase of getting to know someone, there’s no room to make demands. It’s pointless for you to ask him to do something or to behave in a certain way for you. In the beginning, you’re measuring if this person is a good match for you and if he’s not, you just move forward.

    Being single and going out on dates is a time to have fun, meet new people, work on your social skills, feel good about yourself and eventually to find someone that can be good for you. It’s supposed to be a lighthearted thing so if it’s bringing you distress and anxiety, it’s probably not something you should engage in.

    #324895
    Marge
    Participant

    Hello Lealea,

    What you’re feeling it’s not narcissistic…narcisism is more related to vanity and a sense of entitlement. From my own experience, we are the worst judges of ourselves and that usually steams from a lack of approval from our parentes/caregivers, sometimes when we needed to comply with very high expectations at young age etc.

    What helped me (and still helps) is to think about self love as a way to be more compassionate and forgiving. Self love is unconditional. It’s not possible to only have self love if you’re beautiful, successful or any other transient aspects of life. All of this come and go and no one is perfect. So you’ll need to learn how to love yourself despite of your flaws and your lack of perfection.

    I’d suggest you to try and notice when you’re having negative thoughts about yourself and try to change the speach like you were talking to your best friend instead. I bet you wouldn’t sound so harsh or so critic anymore. And this is an exercise, it doesn’t necessarily comes with age, some people go through life without realizing a lot of things about themselves. Once you accept who you are, other people’s opinions about you mean less and less.

    The fact that you’re working on ways to improve, searching to cope and deal with your fears and anxiety it’s a positive indication that you can overcome this.

    Wish you the best 😉

    #324635
    Marge
    Participant

    Hello Valora,

    Thank you for taking the time to answer my post. Your story definitely made me more optimistc about my friend’s future.

    I understand that she doesn’t want to hear negative things and feel unsupported. I would feel the same if I was her. I’ll do my best to be positive and happy for her and the baby and shop for baby clothes haha

    Also, congratulations for reaching your goals and dreams!

    #324491
    Marge
    Participant

    Hello Jasmine,

    I loved your name!!

    So did he broke up with you out of blue and didn’t give you an explanation?

    From what you say in the end, he already told you where he stands: he doesn’t want a monogamous relationship right now. This is pretty straightforward and black and white.

    Maybe youre not seeing it because that’s not the answer you want. I’d say you should do what’s best for you. Putting yourself in a situationship where you dont agree with the terms, just for the sake of being with someone, will probably do more harm than good to you, because you’re denying your own values.

    If an open relationship doesn’t sound right to you, free yourself to try and find a better match for you.

    Wish you the best!

    #324489
    Marge
    Participant

    Hello Lealea,

    Let me ask you this: Did you do something truly embarrassing like for example, dancing topless on the top of a table? Did you throw up on your boss shirt? Something along those lines?

    If the answer is no, then I have another question for you: Have you ever heard of something called the spotlight effect? Its the name for the perception that we’re being noticed more than we really are. We’re the centers of our universe but not the center of other people’s universes.

    Think about how much time you spent thinking about some random well dressed person you saw at the subway or the weirdo at the gym etc. You probably spent less than a minute noticing and thinking about these people and that’s pretty much what other people do when they see you.

    Considering that you were at a party, other people could be drunk as well so their perceptions could be slower, their memories less efficient and all of these things.

    I would say that meditation, lots of self reflection and therapy helped me to detach from the fear of judgment from others. In fact, I was the one judging myself too harshly, I was the one pointing all the fingers to myself. Work in improving your self love, in being more compassionate with yourself. It’ll be a tough journey but it’s worth it!

    Wish you the best!

    #324483
    Marge
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    Nice seeing you here.

    I didn’t mean his job as a red flag and I dont judge him for this. His redflags are more related to way he treats her, he’s controlling regarding her clothes, her social media posts and her friendships. He also has shown a little aggressive behavior in the way he speaks to her (belittling words etc). Those are the red flags that were similar to my ex that I recognize in him.

    About his work my point is that she’ll probably have to handle everything herself, as he doesn’t seem like inclined to pursue a new job (idk what he feels like about it with the child news though). They’re on very different levels in terms of income. She recently got her own place, decorated it and everything with her own money and now he’s living there without contributing anything money wise.

    Lastly, I mean he drinks a lot because he goes out on the weekends with his friends and gets drunk by the point of passing out.

    Just to clarify the points you raised but I guess there isn’t much I can do other than what you said. Its just being difficult for me to cheer her and share her happiness. I was considering distance myself but I’m not sure its the right thing to do as a friend.

     

     

    #324415
    Marge
    Participant

    Relationships (of any kind) aren’t easy. You have to learn about dealing with people that have different opinions and perceptions. You need to make an effort if you want to have these people in your life.

    However, I feel that friendships are supposed to add up to your life instead of being a source of stress, anxiety, agony etc.

    Try to understand why you’re still holding on to this friendship and why it’s so important to you.

    If this is a true friendship, you should work on yourself to let it go. Some people don’t belong in our lifes forever and this is fine. Maybe her time in your life has expired and you’ll have to detach yourself from it, give her the space she needs and be okay with the fact that you might never understand her reasons for distancing herself.

    If this is unrequited love on your part, I think you should come clean about your feelings and try to work things out but at the same time, if it’s on her part, there’s nothing you can do but to let her go.

    Wish you all the best!

    #297305
    Marge
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, JayJay and Peter for answering my post.

    @JayJay, Im very very happy to hear your answer. I came to this forum in search for someone to assure me “this will pass” so what I can do now is exactly that, tell people that are going through the same situation that it’s possible to overcome this pain and arrive at a much better place.

    @Peter, after this journey what I learned about love, is that self-love is more important than anything. First, to learn and listen to your intuition in order to avoid getting into a trap of a toxic relationship because you need to fill a void within yourself.  I always knew in the back of my mind something was wrong, from the beginning. We expect other people to make us happy and sometimes we hold on to this reality so tight that we fail to acknowledge the abuse.

    We create an idea of love, we idealize the other person and invest all of our energies into making the relationship works. But no relationship can work when you come from a place of emptiness inside of yourself.

    I always thought I didnt have a low self-esteem. I was beautiful, well educated, succesful, confident… how could I have a low self-esteem? Turns out that all of these atributes are ephemeral, transient and if I place my value as a person on these things, once I dont have it, I lose my value. My self-love was conditional.

    I struggled with this realization. I still have a lot to learn but today I see the difference between ego and self-love. More importantly, now I love myself unconditionally, regardless of being successful, beautiful etc…so now I’m able to love other people from a place of abundance. Now I can give my love to others without depleting myself and I guess that’s the reason I found someone who’s at the same mental place that I am now.

     

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)