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This topic contains 10 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #325141

    Chantel
    Participant

    Couple days ago I found the courage or maybe I got mad enough to break off a 4 year relationship. I had been seeing a man for 4 years but not in a committed relationship that everyone knew about. When I say “committed” I mean Actual boyfriend and girlfriend taking each other around friends and family. We dated each other spent time together and as far as I know I never had reason to suspect that he was seeing anyone else and honestly to this day I still don’t think he ever stepped out from what we had. He would never fully commit to me I believe he was afraid of committing and it not be right. And of course the biggest reason was because I can no longer have kids and he doesn’t have any. So the past year has been really hard he works two jobs so I hardly was seeing him and of course he would only come over if my kids were not here so we could only see each other when we were both alone. Anyway I started to see him less and less and I reached out and tried to talk to him about it and his only excuse was that he had been busy working. I guess I got to a point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I had accepted being this “secret” in his life for 4 years and now I had to accept hardly seeing him. I started to grow resentful and all we would do is fight or I would always bring up the relationship topic and that would ruin the night. So finally I told him not to contact me until he could deiced what he wanted in his life. Either he wanted to be in a committed relationship or he didn’t. after I sent that message I received  lots of messages back from him saying to remember that it was MY decision not to be in communication during this time of reflection and that I better not be with anyone else and if I did he would be 100% done with me. He said that I shouldn’t just think about what a man can bring to my table but what I can bring to his. Than at one point he wanted to see me and now he saying that maybe I was right that he needs to get his stuff together and that we shouldn’t see each other until he can figure out what he wants. The messages we like a riddle of emotions and I felt like I was on a rollacoster ride. I felt beat uup by his words.  In the end I made a decision that  I felt was the right thing to do feels so damn wrong. I feel like I should had just kept my mouth shut. I do love him and I want him in my life but I also want a man that wants to be here with me and that is proud of our relationship with me. Im not looking for a father for my kids but I would hope that the men that is in my life is a good role model and friend to them and hopefully a relationship could flourish out of that. I deleted his number from my phone and I purposely never memorized it in case this would happen one day. I knew that it would be hard and that I would get weak and want to call him. I let him go to find himself and I feel like im the one losing. I feel broken and lonely, lost and not sure if I did the right thing. Last night I laid down to stand up and stood up to lay down. I tossed and turned I ever dreamt he was calling my phone. I feel like Im going crazy. Im so sad. I wanted to take a stand for once in my life for my own worth and I feel worse now that I did before. I get that he wants kids .. but he also been with me for 4 years!! What did he think that being able to have a kids would change?. Or maybe he was just used to me and I was a comfortable thing in his life and that’s why he stayed. Even though he says he “figuring stuff out” I have this strong feeling inside me that I wont heard from him again and if I do it will be to tell me what I already know. I wish I could look in the future and know that im gona feel strong again. And that I will find who I am as a person alone. I know giving up isn’t a option because I have two kids that depend on me but I sure do feel like someone punched me in my stomach I take extra showers just to cry so that my kids don’t hear me. Im trying to be strong but its not easy. Its almost like morning a death.

    #325153

    Marge
    Participant

    Hello Chantel,

    A couple of years ago I went through a hard break up as well and the first thing I want to say is that this pain will pass. It was something hard for me to believe. I thought it would last forever but it doesn’t, it will go away and if you work on yourself, you’ll get out of it stronger.

    Now, focusing on the relationship itself, you said that you were dating but weren’t official, eventhough this seems like a problem to you. I know it might be hard to read this but if he wanted to commit, he would have done it already.

    In fact, he was in a very easy and comfortable position. For 4 years he had all the benefits of being in a relationship, without actually being in one. So obviously he is now mad at you. Your decision puts him in a uncomfortable place but even with this, he’s not ready to commit to you so he tries to blame you into agreeing to his terms once more.

    The wise thing to do is listen to his words and actions. From your post, I read that he doesn’t truly want a commited relationship with you. I know it’s hard but, again, from what you said on your post, it seems that you did the right decision by not settling for this any longer.

    You deserve someone that truly wants to be with you, be part of your family and daily life. However, in order to have this person, you’ll need to free the path – this guy is just blocking the door.

    Wish you all the best!

    #325159

    Chantel
    Participant

    thank you marge, What did you do to ease your emotions and feelings when you went through your break up? I really feel crazy at times like nothing calms me. i dont want to sound weak are crazy but its a awful feeling. i know i need to push forward but going through the process is not easy.

    #325163

    Marge
    Participant

    Well, some days are worse than others. Sometimes I would call a friend or family, other times I would try to distract myself with work, TV shows…alcohol or sleeping pills to numb my pain. On the good days I was able to meditate, be positive about the day, be grateful.

    But I had many moments when all I could was sit with my pain and allow myself to feel it. With this I learned that pain isn’t a negative feeling, it is an indication that’s something is wrong and needs to be addressed. A lot of diseases that are deadly don’t show symptoms. So it will help you to allow yourself to feel the pain and look to the direction it is pointing inside of yourself: why does it hurt so much? Why am I so attached to this person? What makes his words so triggering to me?

    All of these questions can help you to have a better knowledge about yourself and help you to cure whatever is making you feel this pain.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Marge.
    #325169

    Chantel
    Participant

    i think my biggest fear is being old and alone and never really being loved. I know this hurt stems from having daddy issues… god i hate saying that it sounds so pathetic. but i guess my need to be loved comes from being really close to my father at a young age and than he leaving and my parents divorcing and him creating his own life having another kid. i just recently came to terms with this. now im in the process of trying to not let me past pain control me anymore i want to be strong and “fixed” im just stumbling to find my path. iv heard of meditating but have no idea how to do it nor have money to join a class anywhere. so im going the motions the best way i can.

    #325183

    Marge
    Participant

    You don’t need to feel bad about acknowleding your fears. The first step to improve is to realize where you need to put in some work. Also, your fear resonates with me a lot. That’s what I used to think, that my ex was my only and one true love, that I had no chance in finding that again.

    It’s a good thing that you already know what can be the source of your feelings right now. When we feel unloved as a child, we seek for love outside of ourselves when adults. All the love that you need is within you…this sounds super cliche, but in my experience, this was the answer for me: self-love.

    When I learned that being accepting, compassionate and loving with myself I realized that there wasn’t a void anymore, that I was expecting other people to fill. When you feel empty, you wish someone will come and fill you but that’s not how it works because you’re putting the responsibility of your own happiness into someone else’s hands.

    About meditation, you dont need to spend money on it. There are a lot of good guided meditations apps like Calm, Insight Timer etc – they’re mostly free. Also some good teachers on youtube. I’d recommend you to search up Sarah Blondin, she has a pretty good podcast on soundclound and youtube called Live Awake. Give it a try and tell me how you feel.

    #325317

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Chantel,

    You made the right decision. Even if you wanted an easy breezy “fun” relationship, him not introducing you to ANY of his friends and family for FOUR YEARS! is a huge red flag. “Is he ashamed of me?” Is there a wife? Worse! Does he not, you know, have FRIENDS? Is he a criminal? Did his family disown him?

    It’s all too much.

    You called him out. He IMMEDIATELY got defensive, made you feel bad, and claims to break up with you.

    Make no mistake. YOU broke up with HIM. Enough was enough.

    My suggestion going forward is to date guys who already have grown kids and to not marry someone until all your kids are grown. You don’t need crying in the shower drama in your life. You really don’t. You have kids!

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  Inky.
    #325335

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chantel:

    Having read your previous threads of April 2017, September 2018, February 2019 and August 2019, I don’t know  if today, the day after your most recent thread, if you are still broken up with this man or back into the relationship.

    First a summary of what you shared in your threads:

    The two of you (you and Anthony as you called him) live in a very small town. You dated one of his friends before the beginning of your relationship with Anthony, about the summer of 2015. The two of you have been in a four years exclusive, secret relationship, spending a lot of time together. He never introduced you to his family and friends and saw to it that the two of you were not seen in public in your small town. He preferred to see you in your home when your twin boys were not home, and he wined and dined you outside of town and spent a whole lot of his free time with you. You referred to him as “a great guy and would treat a woman like gold”, and his treatment of you “the first time in my life I was being treated right”.

    As far as you know he hasn’t been with any other woman while in the relationship with you, and he told you that he has had options to date other women but chose not to because he is not an unfaithful man. The relationship had many ups and downs, at some point on, “more downs than ups”.

    You wrote that “he is a very closed off guy.. doesn’t open up to me about his feelings”. He told you that he has been in “one real relationship that ended after four years”, and that he “had dated here and there after that but nothing serious”. These are the reasons he gave you for keeping the relationship secret: “he didn’t like dating anyone other people knew… he wanted kids one day (and your tubes are tied since you were 21)… he wants out of life .. something (you can’t) give him… we don’t get along as well as we should… the amount  of money it would cost to have a child with me, money that could be “put to something like a house” (if you untied your tubes), and he told you that he doesn’t want your boys to be around him because “it’s not fair to them .. we don’t even know what is going to happen to us”.

    February 2019, about three and a half years into this relationship, you wrote: “I have never met his family, they know nothing about me”. When his father died, you considered showing him support by showing up to the funeral as “a stranger sitting in the back”.

    About yourself, you shared that you are a petite woman, “always been disgusted with my body”, for being thin and not curvy, and “struggled with other emotional issues and depression”. You have been on anti depressants which caused you to gain 30 pounds, “which I LOVED”, but also raided your cholesterol and triglycerides to unhealthy levels. So you got off those. You wrote that you “can not afford to seek professional help, that you “stuff (your) face all the time and don’t gain a pound”, and that you figure you will always be a petite woman, so you better learn to be okay with it.

    Second, my input:

    1. I agree with what you wrote yourself as to his stated reasons to keeping the relationship a secret:  “I feel like it is just one excuse after another”.

    2. You can count on him to continue to keep the relationship a secret, if you get back together with him. His persistence and tenacity of doing so for four years is a testimony that he most likely continue to do so. (Imagine a chance of 0.5% of something happening- possible, but not something you can count on, nor should you invest in it).

    3. He must have been grateful to you for helping him to keep  it a secret. Not every woman would have been willing to do that. He told you that he had options to date other women and he didn’t. It could be because other women are not likely to agree to a secret relationship. (I think that his interest in a secret relationship is not specific to you).

    4. Your anxiety and depression have kept you from breaking up with him and remaining broken up. It feels badly to be with him, but it has felt worse to be without him. Nothing motivates us more than the need to feel better. So there you are, doing what you believe is the right thing to do, breaking up with him, but it feels so bad, that you are intensely motivated to get back with him.

    5. He does like your petite frame, no doubt about that. Petite is a dream for many, many women and the preference of many men, which makes me wonder if you are aware of the fact that indeed, many men would be interested in you, that he is not the only one.

    -if you’d like, let me know what you think about my summary and input so far and we can take it from there.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  anita.
    #325355

    Valora
    Participant

    thank you marge, What did you do to ease your emotions and feelings when you went through your break up? I really feel crazy at times like nothing calms me. i dont want to sound weak are crazy but its a awful feeling. i know i need to push forward but going through the process is not easy.

    Hi Chantel,

    I think you just need to give yourself time. You’re attached to this man and you need to give yourself time to detach… detaching is painful so we tend to want to DO something to feel better immediately. So, like Anita said above, your mind thinks you made the wrong decision because being with him felt better than you feel right now, even though being with him felt bad, too…. BUT… if you give yourself time, as long as you need, to sit with your feelings and let them pass, they WILL pass, and then you’ll feel better than you even did when you were with him.

    I understand the fear of being alone, but there are soooo many people out there. You’re bound to meet a good one who will give you a full relationship rather than a secret one, if that’s what you want. I really think you’ll feel better over time, it’s just not something you can really rush. It will also come in waves, where you feel bad and then good and then bad again, and then good again… but the bad waves become fewer and farther between, and if you expect them to come at some point, it doesn’t feel so bad when they do.

    In the meantime, focus on doing things you know you enjoy and that make you feel happy. Do you like doing any arts? Crafts? Going to music shows or plays? Lots of times those things have huge therapeutic value and aid a ton in feeling better.

    #325423

    Chantel
    Participant

    Thank You Valora and inky, margie, …

    anita.. sometimes your responses are hard to read. i know your trying to help but your very in your face . and idk if thats everyone’s cup of tea. But ill take it  because im desperate.  I know that letting him go has been the best because he hasn’t given me more. but the process  its hard its isnt about letting having someone have control over your emotions its about it hurting no matter what you do … its about hurt being about of your heart no matter how hard you try to push forward. I can choose him not be about of my day but my heart is still breaking. but biggest questions in who am i with out him? who am i without my kids… who am i when i stay home alone and have no one….. and why the fuck do i deserve to be alone when iv sacrificed  everything in life to be everything i should be to be better and a good mom.  why me??

    #325453

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Chantel:

    You are welcome to show me an example of my writing to you that you think is “in your face”, either in my previous posts to you or in the one to follow. If I know of such, I will consider adjusting my writing to you.

    In your recent post you wrote (quotes are a bit polished grammatically for clarity): “Biggest questions is who am I without him? Who am I without my kids… Who am I when I stay home alone and have no  one.. And why the f*** do I deserve to be alone when I’ve sacrificed everything in life to be everything I should be to be better and a good mom. Why me??”

    To answer these questions best I can, I re-read all your previous posts in your various threads.

    1. “Who am I without him.. without my kids.. when I stay home alone and have no one?”- you are a hurting little girl, hurting because she has loved her father so deeply, so perfectly, so completely, at an early age, and he left her behind, chose to live somewhere else and have another child.

    There is nothing more painful than the pain of a child’s broken heart, having been left behind, un-chosen by the parent she loves more than anything in the whole wide world.

    <span style=”display: inline !important; float: none; background-color: #ffffff; color: #333333; cursor: text; font-family: Georgia,’Times New Roman’,’Bitstream Charter’,Times,serif; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;”>(“being really close to my father at a young age and than he leaving and my parents divorcing and him creating his own life having another kid”).</span>

    Fast forward: “Anthony would wine and dine me, take me out.. spend all his free time with me, would tell me that he had feelings for me”- this is the little girl’s dream come true, having her father back, spending his time with her again, treating her to nice restaurants.. the little girl has her father back!

    You asked about Anthony: “What person treats someone so good but yet is  ok with being without them??”- it is as if you are asking this about your father, why is he okay being without his little girl??

    You wrote regarding Anthony: “I feel like someone kicked me in my stomach and took the air out of my chest… I feel this great big weight on  my chest and it’s affecting me in every way”- this is how you felt as a little girl when your father left you behind, this is how a little girl’s broken heart feels like.

    As adults, until and unless we become aware of how we felt as children, we keep re-experiencing the same painful emotions that we felt as children.

    “I used to think that if two  people loved each other then leaving wasn’t an option and any problem could be worked through, now I’m starting to wonder if that type of love even exists anymore”- you forgot that you already found out that this type of love was lost to you: you loved your father completely, you would never have considered leaving him, but he left you.

    I myself re-experienced the pain of my childhood throughout decades of life as an adult. My healing process started in 2011 when I attended my first quality psychotherapy, and it continues this very day. I am experiencing life these very days in a different way from the way I experienced it before, more and more so, with time. I will be glad to share with you more and more about this process of clearing our brain from the pain of the past and experiencing life differently. If you want, we can continue to communicate for this purpose.

    2. “Why the f** do I deserve to be alone when I’ve sacrificed everything in life to be everything I should be to be better and a good mom. Why me??”- this is the question the little girl asked when her father left her (and before, when trouble in the home was evident): why me? And that little girl is still asking the same question, many years later, in different circumstances.

    The answer is: it just so happened to be you. Just as it just so happened to be me. A random thing. You didn’t deserve it, nothing you did, nothing about the way you look. It was all about who your father was and who your mother was. Children automatically blame themselves, believing it is something about the way we look, something we said or  did wrong.

    “I’m in the process of trying to not let my past pain control me anymore. I want to be strong and ‘fixed’. I’m just stumbling to find my path”- you wrote that you can’t afford psychotherapy, that would have been best for you. I will share with you anything I learned in my therapy (2011-2013, I still have handouts and notes) if you would like, but it will take an ongoing communication for some time.

    anita

     

     

     

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