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Need Clarity

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  • November 25, 2019 at 3:35 pm #324475
    Jasmine
    Participant

    So this is a little bit of a long story but here it goes;

    I have been very good friends with this guy for the past five years, ever since we have met we have talked almost every day and talked on the phone on and off but mostly every week or so. A year ago, we travelled together for a longer period than usual and the story starts there. He was in an open relationship at the time, but they broke up a month or so after that. For the past year we have travelled together in different places, I went to go visit him and he came to visit me until in May I moved to the city where he was living to study for four months. At the time, he asked me to be in a monogamous relationship with him. I was so happy this summer being with him, sure we fought sometimes but I didn’t think it was anything out of the ordinary. Even after I moved back home (due to visa processing), he came to visit me for his birthday a couple of weeks later and then I took the train back with him where he was living for a couple of days. The day after I flew back home he called and broke up with me. I was hurt and confused because it wasn’t like we didn’t have plans to see each other in the future. Flash forward to now, I had booked a ticket when we were still together to be with him for two weeks, but I decided to go anyways and we ended up travelling together. I tried my best to be “just friends” but we fell back into our relationshipy habits of acting like we were together.

    The thing is I have so much difficulty with things that aren’t clear. I am a very black or white person and he is all the shades of grey. I tried to approach this with him and now he is saying maybe being ‘just friends’ is best since I asked for some clarity. But I don’t want that. Or it’s going to be super difficult and hurt me a lot. He doesn’t want a monogamous relationship right now. I can move forward if I have some sort of direction but if I asked him for direction all I get is politician replies. Should I try to be friends and stick around, or should I cut ties? I really don’t know what to do. I love him and he loves me. But I don’t know what to do anymore.

    November 25, 2019 at 5:10 pm #324491
    Marge
    Participant

    Hello Jasmine,

    I loved your name!!

    So did he broke up with you out of blue and didn’t give you an explanation?

    From what you say in the end, he already told you where he stands: he doesn’t want a monogamous relationship right now. This is pretty straightforward and black and white.

    Maybe youre not seeing it because that’s not the answer you want. I’d say you should do what’s best for you. Putting yourself in a situationship where you dont agree with the terms, just for the sake of being with someone, will probably do more harm than good to you, because you’re denying your own values.

    If an open relationship doesn’t sound right to you, free yourself to try and find a better match for you.

    Wish you the best!

    November 26, 2019 at 6:31 am #324565
    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Jasmine,

    I agree with Marge. It sounds pretty black/white to me. He’s said he didn’t want to be in a monogamous relationship and that just friends would be better if you wanted either/or  (either monogamous or just friends). It sounds like you gave him a choice between those two things, and he chose.  It’ll be up to you to make sure you don’t fall back into the relationshippy-type stuff if you choose to remain friends with him, because it sounds like he’s perfectly fine with being friends with benefits or having blurred friendship lines, so he’s not going to be the one to keep those lines clear. It has to be you.

    If you don’t think you can keep the friendship/romance lines clearly defined, then you should probably cut ties. Maybe later down the road, when he IS ready for a monogamous relationship, he will contact you then. You just have to figure out what’s going to be right for you… either friends with blurred lines or just friends, because he’s clearly taken a monogamous relationship off the table.

    November 26, 2019 at 11:29 am #324637
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jasmine:

    My comment is in regard to what you wrote here: “sure we fought sometimes but I didn’t think it was anything out of the ordinary”-

    – fighting should be out of the ordinary. Fighting is not a necessary part of a relationship and it has no part at all in a relationship that is supposed to be loving. Conflicts can be discussed in a fair, respectful way. Aggression hurts people and relationships. It has no part in a supposedly loving relationship, be it between romantic partners, between friends and between parents and children.

    anita

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