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Emotionally unavailable man?

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This topic contains 21 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #325113

    Yarina
    Participant

    <div id=”post_message_7890576″>Hello,
    Over a month ago I met someone online. We are both 27 years old. He seemed like a nice guy but reserved and shy. I thought maybe he is inexperienced in dating. He was texting me every day but did not keep the conversation going, did not ask questions so I was doing all the work… I asked him about that and he told me he did not want to be intrusive and since then our conversations improved. He was planning interesting dates, paying (insisting), asking me if I got home safe. We met 4 times, I felt he is opening up. When I was out of town and was about to come back he told me he missed me.

    However, I felt something is off, he did not initiate physical contact, there was no flirting, no romantic gestures, he was very casual and giving my buddy vibes, he seemed kind of emotionless. He stopped using dating site after I discussed with him our approach to multidating. For the 5th date he asked me out for a dinner. For some reason on a day of a dinner I felt very anxious, it was already 12 and he did not confirm time and place, I checked the dating website and he logged in at night. I was stringed along for 3 months before and it started in similar way. I asked him why he gives me mixed signals and if he’s still searching. He told me he sees it as potential relationship, he likes to spend time with me and our conversations and cares for me and he did not want to be pushy with romantic gestures and he will improve just asks me for one chance. He lied that he is not using dating site anymore (I am sure he lied).

    We went for a walk and we had honest conversation, he later told me he was in one relationship and was cheated on with 2 different man and another one where girl broke off engagement and told him she never loved him but that he is ready to date again… he is only 27 and so many bad experiences. I told him I don’t feel any romantic feelings from his side, that he is very casual with me and I didn’t feel these were dates, etc. I told him we should think about all of this. When I went back home I wrote that I am not sure if I can handle his baggage. That’s what I felt at the moment, I was a little shocked by this confession. He said he understands and will not push me.</div>
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    <div>For one week we did not contact each other. I wrote him one week later if he had time to think about our last conversation, he said that he was thinking about the fact that there are so many things about him and his behaviour. I didn’t mean to offend him so I apologised, I said I didn’t mean to hurt him and he’s a great guy, etc. We were carrying on the conversation for 2 weeks and he’s emotionless, replying once a day with short, generic messages... I was struggling to explain to him my point of view and that I just felt he didn’t care. The whole time he states that he cared for me, he had romatic feelings for me etc., he asked if I want to meet but I said I don’t want to push for anything and perhaps if we both cared enought it would work out… I said that becasue I was very dissapointed by his coldness, especially after all I said. I am introvertic, hurt many times as well and it was difficult for me to say all of that.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Now I don’t know if I hurt him or if he’s playing with me? I know I did bad but he was guilty too. I suppose if he was mature and emotionally available, if he ever really cared, he would eventually forgive me, tell me something nice as I told him… That do you think?</div>

    #325115

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Yarina,

    This guy has no game. He will die single and alone. I have prophesied! In short, he’s a washout. Move on with your romantic life  or without dating sites.

    Best,

    Inky

    #325123

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yarina:

    Here is a comparison between two men you met online. I wonder if you have thoughts about it:

    In February this year you complained about another guy you met online: “my boundaries were crossed. Also I don’t like that he wants to take a lead in our relationship as I feel pressure from his side. I am afraid that these are signs that he will be possessive and controlling further in the relationship”.

    Fast forward nine months, and this guy is the opposite, he is “reserved and shy”, (not “possessive and controlling” like the other guy seemed to be), and did not take the lead like the other guy, you were the one to take the lead (“I was doing all the work”).

    anita

     

     

    #325125

    Yarina
    Participant

    I think that “not taking the lead” was not my biggest concern. I just felt he is not engaged emotionally, he was not personal, his text were not spontaneous. Even shy or reserved guy would act excited, his body language would be less buddy-like, he would not keep searching for dates online, etc. I don’t understand why he got so emotional on our last meeting and told me he cares and then one week later act totally cold again.

    #325129

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yarina:

    “I don’t understand why.. one week later act totally cold again”- is it because you told him that you are not sure if you can handle his baggage and that you are “disappointed by his coldness”?

    anita

    #325131

    Yarina
    Participant

    I wasn’t sure if I can handle that. I was thinking about it during this week, reading about people who had these kind of experiences.. and I decided I want to apologise and explain my point of view. I didn’t say I was dissapointed by his coldness, I was dissapointed he gives me mixed signals and he is so distant emotionally and physically.

    #325137

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yarina:

    That “he didn’t initiate physical contact” within the one month since he first got to communicate with you online. I think is a wonderful thing, an opportunity to get to know each other slowly, without the distraction and complication of sexual involvement. One is certainly able to say: this man did not want to use you for sex. It’s a good thing, isn’t it?

    anita

    #325139

    Yarina
    Participant

    It is, I just would like to hear a compliment, get a flower, see that he is excited about me, a little bit of flirting, light touch, warm eye contact, him trying to really get to know me, closing dating profile, telling me he likes me but wants to take it slow. ANYTHING. I think he simply didn’t care.

    #325143

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yarina:

    I will be able to read your recent post and anything you may add to it when I return to the computer in a couple of hours or so.

    anita

    #325147

    Marge
    Participant

    Hello Yarina,

    I was reading your messages and I couldnt help but think that you and this guy might not be a good match. You’re expecting your date to do and say things that this guy is either not ready or not willing.

    The fact is that when we are in the phase of getting to know someone, there’s no room to make demands. It’s pointless for you to ask him to do something or to behave in a certain way for you. In the beginning, you’re measuring if this person is a good match for you and if he’s not, you just move forward.

    Being single and going out on dates is a time to have fun, meet new people, work on your social skills, feel good about yourself and eventually to find someone that can be good for you. It’s supposed to be a lighthearted thing so if it’s bringing you distress and anxiety, it’s probably not something you should engage in.

    #325167

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yarina:

    I think that you were quick to criticize this man and point to him being inadequate and faulty, feeling and then expressing to him that he is not good enough.

    Problem is neither one of us is perfect, or even close to perfect, and we are not living in a perfect world. Who is that one person who does not carry a baggage from childhood and onward (?!) He took you on dates and insisted on paying- that was very nice. Plus he didn’t pressure you to have sex with him, that is a very good thing, very different from the hookup culture. I would have been thrilled to meet a guy like this, if I was dating.

    The fact that he was not romantic or physical, that he was shy and reserved, is not an indication that you are not desirable or worthy, but that he is who he is because of his life experience before he met you.

    A month is too soon to expect him to deactivate/not use his dating profile, and for you to do the same, especially when the two of you did not yet share romance and sex.  What I would have done, if I was you, was to continue to communicate and date him while communicating and dating other men, not getting physical with any of the men, for the purpose of getting to know a few men without the distraction of romance and sex, and then,  later choose from the few one man so to proceed toward romance, sex and a long term relationship.

    anita

    #325145

    Neeraj
    Participant

    Really awesome post.

    I’m glad to see your Informative post here and yes I’m gonna share your valuable post with my friends thanks for sharing .

    #325291

    Yarina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I think you are right. I texted him yesterday in very straightforward manner. He told me he didn’t know if I want to keep seeing him and that it was the reason I texted him after this week. We decided we will give it some more time, have few more dates and see how it will go. I think what we can do now is to try to be open and straightforward as possible. If it won’t work, it won’t but at least we will give it a shot.

    #325313

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Yarina:

    I think it is worth a shot.

    Let’s see what you shared about him earlier: he is 27, you met online over a month ago and met in person four times, “a nice guy.. reserved and shy”. He “did not keep conversations going, did not ask questions.. replying once a day with short, generic messages”, told you he “did not want to be intrusive”, but conversations with him did improve. He planned interesting dates, insisted on paying for them, asked you if you got home safe, and once he told you that he missed you. He didn’t initiate physical contact, didn’t flirt with you, didn’t make romantic gestures, “seemed kind of emotionless”. He told you that he cared for you and had romantic feelings for you, but “did not want to be pushy with romantic gestures” but “will improve”. He shared with you that an ex girlfriend cheated on him with two different men, and another ex girlfriend broke off an engagement and told him she never loved him. Later he told you “that he was thinking about the fact that there are so many things about him and his behavior”.

    My input today: you wrote in your original post, “he was guilty too”- I don’t see that he did anything wrong at all. It is not a wrongdoing to not express romantic gestures, not if he either doesn’t know you are interested in such or doesn’t know how, or feels uncomfortable doing that. (If a man knows how, feels comfortable with it, knows the woman wants it and withholds it on purpose so to hurt her, that’s a wrongdoing).

    As you date, him make sure that you will not be hurting him like the two women he shared about did. It is not his responsibility that one cheated on him and the other lied to him that she loved him and then told him she didn’t (how cruel). It is their fault, and it will your fault too if you hurt him unnecessarily. You know that he is shy and reserved, don’t criticize him for it. Don’t indicate to him that he is inadequate for  not being a confident man.

    Focus on his positive qualities and help him improve in areas he needs help with. Show him the romantic gestures you need him to make, walk him through it. Teach him to have an ongoing conversation, asking questions.

    If you focus on his positive qualities, and help him improve his weak areas, you will have a great boyfriend. After all, it will be a good thing if he will focus on your positive qualities and help you improve your weak areas.

    This is what a healthy, loving relationship is about: focusing on each other’s positive qualities and helping each other become stronger in the weak areas.

    I hope to read more from you as this relationship, I hope, progresses well.

    anita

    #325343

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Yarina,

    I don’t think he’s playing with you. I do think it sounds like this man is emotionally unavailable but it’s likely because of fear. He’s afraid of being hurt again. He is one that is going to have to probably move at a snaaaiiillls pace, which means he is going to have to find someone who is comfortable moving that slow, and it doesn’t sound like you are. You are also expecting him to show certain feelings and do certain gestures fairly early on, so you seem to want to move at a faster (and possibly more regular) pace, which is completely understandable, but it means you two aren’t a match.  Neither one of you are wrong, you’re just different. Some people have to start off as a friendly relationship that builds as intimacy grows, so he will be able to develop feelings, but it’s going to take some time for him and he’s not going to be able to fall into romantic gestures and anything beyond casual until he’s really ready for that, so you stating your feelings of him not doing that probably did make him back off a bit because that stuff is scary for him in new relationships, even if he won’t even admit that to himself.

    In other words, he’s not a bad guy for not being able to open up. He’s been hurt and he’s likely afraid of getting close to someone only to end up feeling that again. Think of it as fear of intimacy and fear of abandonment… it takes people a long time to open up and REALLY let someone in when they have those fears. You’ve already told him you can’t handle that baggage, which likely closed him off to you more, and I think you’re right in that you want to move faster than he does and you don’t like how slow he’s moving, so I think it’s a good idea to just move on and find someone who maybe doesn’t have such strong fears in these areas and will move as fast as you’d like to. That’d be a better match for you.  This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you or him or that one of you didn’t care, you just don’t match up on the relationship progress speed.

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