March 2, 2015 at 1:22 pm #73441MollyParticipant
I was in a relationship with a guy for a year and a half. He was 2 years younger than me, we met in college and immediately hit it off. We spent that year and a half with each other being happy together (minus a few hiccups), we even took a 7 week trip to South East Asia together. I had fallen madly in love with this guy, he was my first real love. But he could never tell me that he loved me even though I felt it from him. Once this past fall began, we began to fight a lot and not be happy with one another. I made mistakes that I now realize to try to get him to love me, I was trying to change him into having emotions and giving me what I needed to feel loved. Within doing so, he started to create a distance until the point where he broke up with me out of the blue and after he said we were okay and going to figure everything out. I was heart-broken.
Since then, I have realized a lot about him and a lot about myself. I realized I pushed him away where I should have been the one to either end things or actually be honest with my feelings. I never told him I loved him out of fear he would leave me. He was constantly freaked out by the idea of love to the point where it made it almost impossible for me to express my emotions. I should have known better, I shouldn’t have let him walk all over me and gone by his rules for what was right and wrong in a relationship. I am filled with regret for all of this. As for him, he is young (21 years old), doesn’t have much relationship experience and he does not have the emotional capacity to give me what I needed. I see now that he always had to feel right, which made me feel less than him, he is arrogant and he is selfish, all things which I am not. After he broke up with me, he had a moment of regret which he lead me to believe we would get back together, then ultimately ended it again for reasons he could not explain to me. A month after our break up he told me that now he realized that the feelings he had for me “at times” in the relationship were love he just didn’t say it.
I know this is a guy I shouldn’t be with. I can’t be the one that changes him, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that he just ran away scared like he always did when things got tough. He is so okay with being alone, that even if he misses me he will not say anything. Despite the bad qualities in him, the good were great and I miss him so much at times. I’m so angry also and feel like I never stood up for myself or my feelings with him. We have talked here and there, but every time we do it disappoints me, so we are not talking right now. I don’t know how to get over this feeling that he truly did love me, but he just gave up before committing his love completely to me. Is this just disappointment? Regret? Is there anything to do to help me through these feelings? I never heard an I love you from the man I loved so much and that hurts the most.
-MMarch 2, 2015 at 4:01 pm #73445SInghParticipant
I understand where you are coming from, especially when you feel like you have been wronging by the other. My ex broke up with me back in September and I too was very hurt and angry. This cocktail of emotions will subside in time, be sure of that. However, you CAN speed it up and get on with your life.
Here is the way that I looked at it and how I dealt with my own break up, perhaps this can help you:
After finding myself single after almost four years, I had a lot of time on my hands and a lot of resources freed up to use for myself and bettering myself. In fact, only after the break up did I finally start searching for what I would like to do in my life career-wise. I spent and continue to spend a lot of my time working on myself and my goals.
Molly, try writing your feelings down in a word document, just like you did here, every week, and see how they change and progress. When I look back at what I wrote its incredible to see how far I have come since then, and you will too. Do you have a career that you would like to start? Do you have physical fitness goals that you have been ignoring since you were in a relationship?
All in all, this break up Molly, is a blessing to you.
You must not think of this as a “problem”, a “rut” or anything negative that puts you down. In fact, the truth is only this: This event and the subsequent situation that you are in right now is an OPPORTUNITY. That’s right, this is the universe kicking you in the butt a little and giving you a chance to move on to the bigger and better things in life that you must accomplish.
The reason I say this is because its so hard for people to change, to become better and better. Thus I see only two ways people will change:
1. They actually consciously decide to (this is ridiculously hard and rare) or 2. Something happens, an even or situation, that makes it NECESSARY for you to change and grow.
This necessity will drive you Molly, you are feeling down right now, you have a NEED, that need is to be happy and prosperous. That is why I say that you have an opportunity here.
As far as techniques go: please look up on “affirmations” and begin them and repeat them daily whenever possible. Also, I don’t care if the only running you do is for the bus: I advise that you start (if you don’t already) some physical activity and stick to it. This will make you feel fantastic and in no time your vitality will increase from the gains you have made physically.
Also, I like to read books (well, I do now that I am single hahaha), I’d like to suggest some great self-help ones: Think and Grow Rich, How to Win Friends and Influence People, The Luck Factor (this is an audiobook series, and take away what you want from it as some things I do not agree with but the overall statements are solid).
So Molly, enrich your life and start working on yourself! This is an opportunity, it is huge and it is at your feet, do not let it slip!
I like to say this: if you are comfortable, then you are missing out on opportunities, you may have been very comfortable in your relationship, and that comfort can be dangerous because we lose the will to step boldly into the unknown and achieve more.
Also, check out Eric Thomas, he is a phenomenal motivational speaker and he speaks the truth, and I know things are easier said than done, but you can do it!
Please keep us updated on your status over the coming weeks and months. There is so much you can learn and achieve, now is the time to do it!
SinghMarch 6, 2015 at 2:40 am #73629WillParticipant
Some young people, perhaps especially those of the male persuasion because of they way they are treated culturally, find it difficult to express and even process emotions, especially ones that make you vulnerable, like love.
Many people find it hard to stand up for themselves and express clearly what they need.
You are both young, and you were both learning how to do these things, as well as a hundred other things we have to learn to have good relationships. Many of us keep learning all our lives. Often it’s easier to learn some of these things by ending a relationship that wasn’t working, than by trying to change a relationship that has already developed a certain way.
Nothing in your story strikes me as you doing something wrong. Your mistakes were natural, your regret is natural, and your sense that he was a good guy at heart but he just couldn’t act it out and actually be good, is probably correct. I don’t think your relationship could have been better, or could have been rescued, if only… whatever.
Why would you need to get over the feeling that he did indeed love you? I think he did, insofar as he could allow himself to. And you loved him, and the good times were great, and the problems were too many to continue the relationship. Nothing went wrong. Everything happened as it was going to happen.
Try to focus on your life as it is now. Learn things, do things, meet people and spend time with them. When the time is right, it will be easy to let go.March 10, 2015 at 4:23 am #73792BruceParticipant
This guy hasn’t got any feelings to you anymore. You have to move on and try to forget him. As for me the best way to forget him is to find someone new. You should go to different parties or bars and look there for somebody. I understand that it would be pretty difficult for you to go there, so at the begining you can try to talk with somebody new on different dating sites like kovla.com/datings/us/worcester. I’m sure you will find someone new soon who would appreciate and love you. Good luckMarch 11, 2015 at 1:37 pm #73843MollyParticipant
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I really took it to heart and agree with what you said about moving on, focussing on myself and accepting that this relationship has really ended and it’s time to let go.
I have reservations still about one thing. I have been talking to someone about all of this and I have trouble being able to just completely disconnect him from my life. That involves social media (only instagram), but more importantly, can I be friends with him in the future? Do I need to “learn to accept him for who he is” even if he is out of my life now? I never want to be on bad terms with someone, but I don’t know if I can really be he friend in the future or be able to get lunch with him sometime and not want to tell him how much he hurt me and how much I realized about our relationship. I want to talk to him when I am level-headed… I just don’t know if it is possible.March 11, 2015 at 2:10 pm #73845YueParticipant
Picture seeing him kissing another girl in front of you. What do you feel? If it’s anything that ranges from jealousy rage to heart break, you are not ready to be friends.
During break ups, the most important thing is to consider how YOU feel. Don’t worry about how he is doing (I know it’s hard) or trying to stay in contact out of a sense of obligation. If saying yes to someone or something at the cost of saying no to yourself, it’s not worth it.March 15, 2015 at 2:44 pm #73952jade greenParticipant
It’s also been over 3 months for me. And I can relate with some of your story.
I too felt like I pushed him away. He was perfect the way he was, but I wanted him to give me the love I wanted; instead of him giving me the love he has. A lot of things happened. He left. And after the break up, he told me he’s now happier being without me.
But here’s what I’ve learnt.
Yeah, you did mistakes, I did mistakes; but I guarantee you that they did too. No one is perfect. And we are not built solely by our mistakes. We are built by our awesomeness, kindness, love, ugliness, beauty, and mistake is just another trait we all have. And the fact they left us is because they see our flaws more than every other part we of us. Do I really want to be with someone who can only see my flaws? No, you shouldn’t too.
Being friends, is also definitely a bad bad idea.
And lastly, if you had stood up for yourself and do everything you wished you did, would it have changed anything? He’s not too scared to tell you he loves you. When a man loves you and when a man wants you, no fear and no mountains are going to stop him from stuttering right in front of you and say ‘I miss you, and I love you’. Maybe he loves you, but sadly he doesn’t want you bad enough for him to find you. So no, nothing you say or do in the past would change this. You deserve this one man that goes crazy of you; couldn’t sleep because of you and would call you 3am in the morning just to say ‘look woman, I tried really hard to resist this, but I can’t. I love you’. (okay, not exactly that dramatic but you get it).March 15, 2015 at 9:19 pm #73961SInghParticipant
Molly, just do you for now. You have a long life ahead of you, you two may or may not cross paths again, you two may or may not find love in each other again, anything is possible.
However, you close many doors if you don’t take this time to work on you. Be the best you can be, the answer to you question is yes it is possible, now leave that behind and focus on your life. If it is meant to be then you two may see each other again.