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Regaining traction after a breakup

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  • #69125
    Matthew
    Participant

    I hope this is the right section for this, just needed to vent and share a little. I’ve recently begun what I can only describe as a quest for self discovery and trying to become the best version of myself I can be. Part of this has been things as simple as finally getting back out and losing the weight I gained the past year after taking an IT desk job but the bigger part of this has been opening my mind to things I probably never would have considered otherwise – namely meditation, therapy, and positive affirmations (I’ve always tended to be a pessimist and shielded myself from becoming too vulnerable). I’ve begun meditating daily and doing Tai Chi three times a week and I honestly can tell a difference in how I feel. I never would have believed it a year ago but there’s an undeniable benefit to these practices and I am now a complete advocate of them. It’s offered me a bit of levity and respite over the past few months that I’m honestly scared to think of what would have happened if I didn’t have. There were a few times where the routine was all I had to hold on to. At times I feel elated, hopeful, and so calm but then I am hit with these random feelings of depression, failure, and self-loathing. These feelings are usually brought on by thinking about my current situation.

    I’m 27 and I live at home with my parents and on Halloween day my ex-girlfriend of over two years broke up with me (more on that later). Last year I fought my fear and cashed in my nest egg 401k and re-enrolled as a full time student to finish my bachelors degree and I’m trying to live off this until I finish this semester before I get a job. It doesn’t feel particularly great to still be living at home and jobless – even if I AM working towards something better – but the end of this relationship has really been what really hit me hardest and the root of all of this self discovery. I hate to say I wasted many years of my 20’s but that’s the way it feels – maybe wasted isn’t the right word but I certainly could have used them better. I worked in a dead-end job for 5 years and never got serious about school until now. I’m learning to not hold on to the past and to focus on what I can do right now – my mantra every time I’ve felt less than lovingly about myself the past few weeks has been to do a checklist of all the things I am capable of doing to work towards my goals for that day (Have you mediated? Did you finish your workout? Have you stuck to your diet plan? Are you prepared for your class/test? etc)

    Even with all this, when the depressed feelings hit me I literally cannot sit still, I have to get up and go outside to “get some air” or find someone to be near. The upside of this is my relationship with my family has improved greatly and I have begun to have such an appreciation of things I was taking for granted before. I’ve just currently started speaking with a counselor referred to me by my psychology teacher and it’s a great help to share things I’m not really comfortable sharing with my friends but there are times (usually at night when things are quiet or just before going to bed) where I feel utterly lost and hopeless. I’m not sure what else I can do for today except give it time but I feel so completely terrible during these times that I have literally felt sick.

    As I said before I recently had a relationship end this past Halloween. It was a little out of the blue for me (apparently she had been having doubts for awhile) and while she had given herself time to prepare for it I was not at all prepared. This is a girl I had been talking about marriage and kids with, spending our lives together, etc. I often joked about how I would propose but I’m sure she never knew that I really HAD been picking out a ring and considering the timeline of how things would progress over the next year and when would be a good time to sit down and ask her father’s permission to marry her. I saw a future with her that I thought we both shared, I really believed we were both happy together. She often got upset with me when I was pessimistic or sarcastic or when I wouldn’t completely share my feelings over small things but for her to hide something like this from me made me feel like I didn’t really know her like I thought I did. We used to laugh at other couples’ relationship problems and felt that we had this strong bond, she was like my best friend in so many ways, but apparently for awhile she had been lying to herself and me. I know that breakups take two people’s actions and I accepted full blame for the things I did that drove her away from me but I couldn’t help but feel betrayed in some way. I made the mistake of putting expectations on our lives and forgot that life happens on life’s terms.

    This has been a lot more that I thought I would type when I sat down but I guess I’m trying to reassure myself I’m doing the best I can to move on in the most healthy way possible. Honestly, one of the hardest parts of all this has been me finally becoming truly open and honest. At times I’ve felt a bit silly about feeling depressed or sad because I have so much to grateful for, a roof over my head, awesome family that supports me, food on my table, etc. Anyway, thanks in advance to all who take the time to read this.

    #69138
    Snails
    Participant

    Hi Matthew
    It was great to read your letter and all the wonderful things you are doing to bring contentment and happiness into your life. Good for you for taking charge of your life and pointing yourself into the direction you wish to follow in your personal growth, and it seems a lot of positive changes have been brought about by you for your life.

    I hope you are happy with all the good work you’re putting into yourself. And it’s perfectly normal to have times of having ‘random feelings of depression, failure, and self-loathing’ keep accepting these feeling and continue to learn from these feelings, as you are doing. A break up from a relationship, where you were hoping for long term plans is a sad thing, something that can’t be rushed. The days were you feel ‘hopeful, and so calm’ will begin to be more numerous, especially with all you are doing to help heal the hurt, and your quest for personal growth.

    Ah your still young! You were where you were in your 20’s (still a few years left xD)and did the best for where you were at the time…they weren’t ‘wasted’ .. we live in the present day only, learn from the past to improve today…be gentle to yourself – when we are gentle with ourselves we are more open to learning from our past, as well. When hurts begin to heal the past also has a lot good and happy times and you will be able to focus on these more easily.

    I’ve got no advice for you, you’re doing great steps so far, the only thing I can suggest to you is perhaps not mention EVER your cash nest of $401k ! What are you doing there xD trying to get under a pile of gold diggers 🙂 Some ‘Gamer’ sites might suggest throwing out a random comment like this to attract the gullible and IQ challenged chicks but yeah… best remember if that amount is true best keep that information to yourself! 🙂

    Warmest wishes
    Snails

    #69150
    Stephen
    Participant

    I agree with the above poster, you sound like you’re doing the right things. Also know that you’re not the only one who has these feelings, some parts of your post are things that I feel about my own life, and I’m 29, but I don’t think that any time is wasted, people might just develop at different speeds, and that doesn’t make our lives any less worth-while. Sometimes you have to look at little things that happened, and not big grand events, you know? Have courage, I’m rooting for you. Merry Christmas.

    #69167
    xWhy
    Participant

    Hey Matt!
    I think Matt ment he cashed in his 401K savings to fund his education not a 401,000 dollar nest egg. That being said, MATT EASE UP ON YOURSELF, pleeeeeease!
    I am 40, and had to move back home for a bit two years ago. Most of my friends have had to do the same at different times since graduation from high school. The old graduate high school, go to college, get good job, buy house and car with new wife, and have 2.5 babbies, 1 dog, get promoted, blah blah blah. That no longer exists. You need to craft a new narrative for yourself, with values that resonate with you. And from what you have said, you have an awesome start!
    As for the girl. If you are still in communication with her, please go and tell her what you told us here. You need to let her know how this hurt you and why. She may completely blow you off, it may become a fight. It does not matter. You still love her and probably always will, and you deserve to be heard. Then you will feel less tied to your past and pressured by the values that surround you every day. You are doing great, my friend!

    #69178
    Matthew
    Participant

    First off thanks to each of you for the replies, I’m as open to feedback or critique as ever right now. I have always been my own biggest criticizer so impartial outside input is most welcome.

    I think Matt ment he cashed in his 401K savings to fund his education not a 401,000 dollar nest egg.

    Haha yea, I meant I cashed in my “retirement” savings, man I wish I had $401,000 in cash! 🙂

    I’m no longer in communication with her but I actually sent her a four page letter a few weeks ago. I was trying to stick to no contact after I took both her and her mom’s numbers out of my phone but not too long after the breakup she strangely mailed me all the things I had left at her house in a box (meaningless stuff like razors, shaving cream, soap, etc) – with no note or acknowledgement – it really stirred up a lot of the feelings in me and the best thing I could do was sit down and put those to paper. In our last phone conversation on Halloween she pretty much said what she had to say and hung up on me while I was mid-sentence. I did receive an email response to the letter, which I didn’t see for a few days because I don’t check my email that often, and it literally made me laugh out loud.

    It was quickly apparent she took nothing I said to heart and she gave me a half-assed acknowledgement of her hypocrisy without really taking responsibility. She did a lot of selfish things over the course of our relationship and the part of her response where she claimed she had learned so much about being in a relationship from me was just the icing on the cake considering I did most of the compromising in the relationship. I couldn’t really be mad though because a large part of me expected no response at all and the letter had largely been for my own benefit. I just wanted her to read it all without ripping it up first. All of my friends and family had encouraged me that I would be right to be mad at her (there were more than a few instances where she kind of took me for granted or treated me like crap) and to call her and tell her off instead of “letting her off the hook” and calmly sending her a letter but I wanted to try a new approach to things this time.

    I choose to be grateful for the time we had together and for the growth the relationship’s end inspired in me. I forgave her for all the things she did that I felt wronged by, admitted to those that I did, and hoped she would forgive me as well. It did, in fact, make me a better person. As someone who has a tendency to hold on to things for a long time – I needed to be able to walk away with no resentments if I truly wanted to move on in a healthy way. I can’t afford to hold on to the anger at her anymore, I will probably always love her in some form, but she’s not worth all that. As much as I have tried, I would be lying if I said being treated the way she has treated me didn’t hurt. You put all this love and energy into someone and then cut you off one day and treat you like you abused them or something. I’m not trying to make myself sound like the perfect guy, a breakup takes two people and there were things I did that contributed to it but I can honestly look back and say I gave it 100% in trying to make it work. I don’t think she can say the same … or even cares that she can’t.

    Probably the most important thing I’ve learned from all this is that experiences like this can make you such a stronger version of yourself if you let them. The way the past version of me would have responded to this would have been a lot more toxic and I know I wouldn’t have made anywhere near this amount of progress at this point. I try to acknowledge that as much as I can and accentuate the positive changes and progress I’ve made as a person. Lately it’s those times when I sit down and think about all the things I could have accomplished, the time I invested in her, and it’s like I want them all right away and want to change my situation immediately but there’s only so much I can do for today and that has to be enough.

    Anyway I’ve again written more than I thought I would when sitting down but the support and encouragement is appreciated. This is a whole new process for me and I’m still trying to figure out what works for me and what doesn’t but venting here has been a great help.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Matthew.
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