October 30, 2014 at 6:58 pm #67054sultanaParticipant
Hi all, I posted a few months ago with a relationship problem. The update is he has moved out and been out for 7 weeks now. After about 3 weeks of emotional turmoil for me after that and adjusting to my new alone life I have accepted it and I am moving on.
At the time when he moved out we both said it wasn’t over( due to denial from both of us) and we kept in touch, by phone and meeting in town for coffee etc. It didn’t take me long to realise I wanted it completly over romantically but just wanted friendship. I knew he thought we might get back together down the track and he still loves me. I told him it was over after he kept asking and pestering me and basically being very needy. He did hear me and he did understand me and he said he still wanted to be friends.
More pain and upset again. But we still are still in touch and I know he still thinks he has a chance by the way he acts and will do anything for me.
I know the general rule is you cant be friends after a relationship and that you need to cut all ties completely. The problem is we live in a very small town and it is impossible to avoid each other. I need to move on and I want to start seeing other people but I still feel like I would be “cheating” on him and he would be devastated if he saw me with someone else and that chance is high in a small town as well as the local grapevine.
I don’t want to have to go through the same “break up” for the third time as I am just starting to feel good and I’m sick of emotional turmoil.
We still talk or text on a daily basis and see each other at least a couple time a week in the street etc. It is just like we a great friends but I know he is doing it for another reason and I feel like I am leading him on. ( I don’t do or say anything to suggest this)
Help, how do I make him realise that we are never going to be together again without hurting him all over again.October 31, 2014 at 4:39 am #67082Koala17Participant
There should be no rules about whether it is possible to remain friends after a relationship or not, however, by staying in such close contact, ie texting, phone calls, and meeting with one another a few times per week, neither of you is being given the opportunity to really let go of one another. You say you live in a small town, and that it is impossible not to run into one another – well this you have no control over, unless you decide to move away. If you intend to remain living where you are, could you minimize the phone calls and texts, just to begin with, and not make arrangements to meet up for coffee. Have you tried this? You need space to recalibrate as does he. Like you have rightly said, you don’t want to lead him on or give him false hope. Good luck, I’m sure it will work out for you both, you both need space and time.October 31, 2014 at 5:14 am #67085sultanaParticipant
Hi Koala17, I understand what you are saying, it’s just that I don’t initiate any of the contact. He texts me and asks if I want to get coffee etc. I don’t make plans with him. He just won’t let go. If he texts “how was your day” and I ignore him, his next text is “are you ok”. And if I keep ignoring him he asks am I mad with him. I feel as if I need to scream at him to leave me alone but I couldn’t hurt him like that. He was completely devastated to know we were over. Anyone else would give up trying to contact me as I feel I am already coming across as aloof and uninterested. I feel so guilty if I ignore him. If he was truly happy to be just friends then I would love to stay in touch with him as I hold no animosity toward him and he is a great guy. It’s as if he is waiting for me to change my mind and I’m not going to.November 2, 2014 at 10:09 am #67152wood95Participant
Sultana, you and your ex both have my sympathies. My advice is that you have to be “Cruel to be Kind”. Cut him out of your life completely for both of your sakes. Apparently, he lacks the strength to do so.