August 29, 2014 at 10:28 pm #64112
I am going through a major traumatic time and would really appreciate some advise.
What I am about to say, some people will say is my own fault for not acting and will just have to learn to live with it but I am in such a bad place at the moment I feel I might be going insane.
I had been with a girl for nearly seven years, at first we were tremendously happy and so in love, we moved in together ( I moved to her town) and got engaged,we had a fantastic intermate sex life unlike anything we both had experienced before full of tenderness and passion, and we were also best friends,but there were problems, her jealousy and insecurities would flare up quite often, which I would take as a personal attack and not really talk about properly and be worried about it happening again, I also worked shifts in another town over an hour away, which caused friction as she was quite often left home alone and lonely, despite this we were very happy and had huge love for each other.
Unknown to us until fairly recently I have struggling with a form of aspergers , a result of which is that, I don’t always think and behave as most people would, if something bothers me I don’t talk about it for fear of starting conflict and then it builds up inside until it becomes too much for me and I have a form of breakdown and run away, when it gets that bad I have no choice involved, its so overwhelming and the problem stays with me for a long time and I am unable to face communication during that time, this was after a year and a half.
After some time it passes leaving me filled with regret and devastated at the damage I have done to her.
I would have NEVER EVER chosen to leave her at any point in my life, I love her so much, she was the one, and I wanted nothing more than to be with her, get married, have kids, be part of your family and make her happy for the rest of our lives but I struggled to communicate that to her after each breakdown.
After my first breakdown we got back together but didn’t get re-engaged, I couldn’t seem to fully recommit, I was full of a lot if fear about it happening again which prevented me from seeking help and when I was with Her again I was so happy that it masked my problems and I didn’t recognise the signs until it was to late and the whole process happened again.
Even when the first notion of me having aspergers came about, my fear of it and finding out what it really meant kept me from getting diagnosed for far too long.
Every time I had a breakdown I would move back to my home town as I had no where else to go.
No words could explain the hurt and regret for what I have done to her, she a most fantastic, wonderful, caring, beautiful person and I love her with all my heart, body and soul, I could never love anyone else as much as her, she is the light of my life, and knowing I have caused her so much pain and heartbreak is soul destroying.
The amount of love she had for me was huge and she put up with more than any other person I know.
After I came out of my last breakdown, It was like a vale had been lifted from my mind and I knew that I couldn’t allow this to happen again, I had never been so determined to sort out my problems, I would fix myself and I wanted to prove to her so much that I loved her and that I would conquer my issues and give her the safety, security and love that she deserves.
She said that the only way she could be with me again was if I got a job in her home and moved there, which I was totally prepared to do.
I went to the Doctors for help and I am in the process of being assessed for the type of aspergers I have, so that I could get help and recognise the start of a breakdown and how to prevent it.
I started a therapy to learn how to deal with my emotions and than a different relationship therapy to help me recognise problems and communicate better. I started applying for jobs in the same town as her, any jobs that would pay enough to survive to start with just so that we could be together.
We would meet up and talk and I know she was very worried about being hurt again but was so pleased I was making an effort,
I finally got an interview and I was so happy….
But it was too late…….
I had hurt her so much and too much time had passed….. And the worst thing possible happened, she stopped being in love with me and found someone else.
There are just no words to explain my pain and loss, I am completely heartbroken and destroyed, I have died inside. I will never get over her, she is my soulmate.
Throughout every thing I always believed that we would pull through this and live our lives together, making each other happy, and growing old together.
The thought of her being with someone else is too much to bear.
The light has gone from my world.
I emailed and asked to meet, which she agreed to and wanting to show my commitment to her I took a ring and proposed, it was all I could do to show how committed to her, I also had a ring for me so other people could see my commitment, but she turned me down saying that she would always love me but she now had feeling for this other guy, after only a WEEK!!!! and he lives in another town which was the cause of a lot of our problems and her loneliness.
I believe that the feelings that she had for me are being deferred to this new person as she was lonely and had been hurting for so long and when he met her he showed her warmth and she latched on to it.
It kills me to know that this is all my fault and that if I had acted sooner this would have never happened and it is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
Despite all this I truly WANT her to be happy and safe, she deserves that more than anything but I can’t be her friend as I would be unable to bear news of her happiness with someone other than me, I would die all over again.
I am hurting like I have never hurt before, I don’t want to get better unless better is with her, I don’t want time to heal
unless time will bring her back, I don’t want to get over her unless it would some how reignite her love for me.
This all started two weeks ago and and when I proposed it was Tuesday, it is now Saturday early morning I am a total mess, I cant sleep even on very strong sleeping pills,I cant eat unless I’m about to fall over, I have been signed off work by my doctor and prescribed beta blockers as my heart is racing all the time , my mind is going crazy thinking about what they are doing together, she did say that she hasn’t slept with him but its only a matter of time, especially as it now the weekend and they are bound to be with each other, I cant bear the thought that she could be with someone else the way she was with me, giving him the feelings she once had for me.
I feel like I have destroyed my future and everything seems pointless now.
I have been crying non stop and last night started talking to myself and started shaking all over, I managed to pass out for two hours but the moment I wake it all begins again I feel like I’m going insane.August 29, 2014 at 11:30 pm #64113MaureenParticipant
Destroyed your future? How do you know that? I know that what you thought your future would be is possibly destroyed, but that only gives you something to look forward to. Honestly, you have some work to do on you. As long as you are focused on this girls and the relationship, you are distracted from the real issue-you. She’s gone. You are still here.
You should cry. You should cry and cry until you cannot cry anymore. You should also see a therapists. You need cognitive support.You are not any different from the rest of us when we have suffered a loss. I was like you for about 3 weeks, but it isnow 3 month, yes I still cry once in a while, but why shouldn’t I, I felt destroyed. Like you. You don’t want this girl back. She is with someone else and you want someone who will stick by you, but more important you want a relationship based on love, not dependence. To get there brother you have some work to do. So do it. You are fine right now. You will be fine. Your future is not destroyed. You are lonely, betrayed, and hurt.August 30, 2014 at 6:09 am #64117InkyParticipant
This is more for future reference: Do you really have Aspergers? If so, there is a book about loving someone with Aspergers. In fact, it is probably called Loving Someone with Aspergers. If you look for it you will find it. If she had that book, she may still have broken up with you, don’t get me wrong ~ but maybe she would have understood you better? I would get copies or resources like it for any future relationships/friendships so they “get you”.
Now ~ you are going through a mental breakdown. Can you see a therapist, call a mental health hotline or even check yourself into a facility?
After seven years everyone naturally changes, or begins anew on some level. If she is your soul mate, you will always have that connection, whether you are physically together or not. And remember, though this is hard to believe now: we have many soul mates. You were lucky enough to meet one. What a gift. Be grateful that it happened at all!
Get more support (off the internet!) and God Bless!August 30, 2014 at 6:39 am #64118
One of the major issues Im dealing with apart from not being with her is that she did stick with me for so long and through so much, I left her for long periods of time after each breakdown and she was devastated and heart broken, she lost her job through being unable to work due to the pain and then having to take a lower paid job when she finally felt well enough again.
When the Aspergers first came to light she got all the information she could find, trawling the internet,reading books,trying to find a way to make us work, but it was my fear of being labeled and what it meant about me as a person which made me avoid dealing with it, which also added to my anxieties and triggering another Aspie breakdown.
When I finally did start to do something about it all it was too late, she had soooo much love for me and now it has suddenly gone like a light being turned off, my sense of timing couldn’t be worse, and I feel responsible for the situation I’m in.August 30, 2014 at 7:24 am #64119InkyParticipant
We can’t control others’ love. Let’s say you were a perfect Aspie. Let’s say you didn’t have that label at all. Seven years ~ anything can happen in seven years. I would seriously find a way to ReSet ~ meaning get calm and stable, start over.August 31, 2014 at 9:44 am #64152AnonymousParticipant
One of our biggest fears is that the way I feel now is the way I will always feel, or I will never love another the way I love this person now. I am in my mid 40’s and I can say that for me that turns out to not be true.
If this doesn’t work, you will love again.August 31, 2014 at 3:10 pm #64160sojournerParticipant
First of all, sending healing thoughts to you. Inky’s right, you are having a mental breakdown – I recognize the symptoms because I (and I’m sure many others on these forums) have been through that hell.
Give yourself a break. Please change your script of self blame – nothing good is going to come from that. Learn from it all and move on. You are a good person, worthy of love, worthy of peace, change your script to reflect that. What’s done is done, start to think positively about the changes and efforts you’ve made to fix your life.
This awful thing happened and your girl finally got worn down. She is still treating you with kindness, but please, let her have a life. She deserves it. If you love her, let her go. The more you push her, the further away she is going to go, my friend. If you are truly soul mates, maybe one day when you are healthy and able to stand on your own two feet, you will be together then.
I see two issues here – you mention how her jealousy & insecurity was an issue back in the day. And then you start talking about Aspies. If you are going to keep revisiting the past to such a degree, please look at ALL the issues with equity.
You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you are going to be in a position to be loved by someone else. What you need comes from inside you, not from outside, not from someone else. Breathe, be strong, do the hard work, get healed up. It sounds like therapy is in order for sure, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Again, I have been there. Therapy helps, time helps. Give yourself a chance to heal – you’ve been through a LOT.September 1, 2014 at 4:28 am #64200WillParticipant
Hi Ed. Man, you sound like you are in so much pain. And it’s only been two weeks, so, of course you’re going to be in pain. And I’m sorry that you’re in pain, and I hope that my thoughts about where your pain comes from doesn’t hurt you more but leads you to a path that will help you out of the dark.
The way you’re thinking and talking about this relationship and the break-up betrays an unhelpful attitude, and I believe that that attitude is responsible for a large chunk of your pain.
“I am hurting like I have never hurt before, I don’t want to get better unless better is with her, I don’t want time to heal
unless time will bring her back, I don’t want to get over her unless it would some how reignite her love for me.”
You are holding on to something that is already gone. Clinging to something you cannot have. And it is this clinging that is causing your pain. You haven’t destroyed your future. You haven’t lost the only woman you could ever love. You haven’t ruined everything forever.
I understand, yes, that’s how you feel, and it’s good to be in touch with how you feel, but isn’t there a rational part of you that sees things differently? You were in a relationship, and you were in a bad way, and the relationship ended. That’s all. You were in a relationship and it ended. That happens to the majority of people at some point in their lives, and yes, they usually feel devastated. And then they get on with their lives.
Whatever they taught you in your therapy to help manage your emotions, practice that. Practice like your life depends on it, because it sounds like it might. Practice mindfulness — get on a course or get the Kabat-zinn book or some tapes or whatever you can get that will help. Learn to ease your grip, just a little. Try to see a broader perspective, just slightly. Every step you can take back to see the bigger picture will lift a load of pain off your back.
Believe that time will heal you. Have faith that you, like so many others who had their hearts broken, crushed, pound to dust, can live and love again. I believe in life after love. I have seen it. You will stumble out of this tunnel if you keep walking towards the light. Please keep walking.
May you find ease.September 5, 2014 at 5:17 am #64419
Thank you for all your kind words.
Everyday is a struggle and some are better than others but I do try and find something positive in each day. I study and teach aikido (The way of harmony) a defensive martial art, which has always been good at grounding me and I have thrown myself back into it but even then I still struggle to focus, she is always in my mind.
My friends have been very good and I have spent a lot of time with them and I have more therapy sessions coming up, including a mindfulness course and a few job opportunities have come my way, it just seems like I’m filling the void, trying to keep occupied rather than doing these things to improve my self or my situation.
The lack of sleep is definitely not helping.September 5, 2014 at 6:21 am #64421MattParticipant
If you were to reframe your internal struggle as an aikido match, what would you see? Perhaps look at how you have a vision of her, like an aggressor, bringing disruption, pushing energy at you, through you. What would you do in such a case? How would you absorb the energy, flow alongside it, and redirect the moment back toward harmony… if it were a physical form? Its not much different internally, emotions arise from physical causes.
MattSeptember 12, 2014 at 9:50 pm #64819
So, it’s been nearly four weeks since I found out my ex was seeing someone else and three since we last spoke. I have cried every day and night and I’m still struggling to sleep (its 4am as I type) but still keep on doing positive things, I have had a job interview which seemed to go very well and I have possibly found a really nice place to live as well (I’m temporary with my parents since my last episode)
I have been on aikido training courses and began to teach again and even participated in a spartan race, I’m still not back at work as I have been signed off by my dr as I’m meant to be on nights but that will hopefully change next week.
Despite all this she is still in my thoughts through all of this, even when I’m busy, its almost like I’m being haunted by her and the fact she chose someone else over me.
The fact that she was also my best friend who I would talk with all the time whenever I had a problem is also a great lose.
I know things will get better, I still have a lot of healing to do, the weekends are the hardest as I know that she is with him but I do want her to be happy as I have so much love for her despite the pain.
It would be nice to have a respite just for a while.