Forum Replies Created
February 15, 2017 at 6:54 pm #127819
No. I mean you need to take a pause, like a pause button ⏸
During this time you take the pressure off of yourself to find a mate. That is stop looking for now. When you pause, you reflect on your patterns in life. Identify them. Then see how they are working for you. During the pause you think about if you need to make a change in your life patterns. Pausing is the best time to make decisions. You can also think back to being unlovable and being lovable. For example; when did you feel lovable?
I read the book “Love Languages”, it is not just a female book. It is a philosophy that has some merit. Maybe you should read this during your ⏸.
Regardless of your language; Google this: Pause Button Therapy. I did and it helped me. Is helping me right now.February 15, 2017 at 3:44 pm #127789
You poor thing. Can I just say that you guys are not a match. Of course you cannot be intimate with someone who intimidates you. Someone once gave me some advice; What would you tell your son/daughter if they were in this situation?
He does not love you. Poor dear does not love himself. If he did, he would know what love felt like and would want to share that feeling with you, if he loved you, which he cannot.
Do you not see your value without him. Standing all alone, just between you and the heavens do you truly see no value? That is so much pressure to put upon another person. No one can possibly be responsible for your self wrth without resenting it a little bit.
Start over. Like I told the other gentle person. Take a pause. (google pause button therapy). Give this a rethink before you move toward another human.
How to move on: Make a decision to move on. Be brave about it. It is better for him and for you. Now stop thinking about it. Think about what you can do in your life alone, without anyone else. Stand on top of the world and see your value.February 15, 2017 at 3:36 pm #127787
I am so sorry. I got caught up in the topic, I wanted to encourage you to please read more about pause therapy and see if it would be a good option for you. MaureenFebruary 15, 2017 at 3:34 pm #127785
I do not know how this came about in my email and I do not normally participate in forums. But I am going to share with you that you are not unlovable and you are not alone in thinking this way. Please take a pause and consider this thought before you go any further.
I am 62. I have felt un-loveable most of my my life, until it was pointed out to me that perhaps my family loved me, I had some friends that loved me, my dog loved me and in fact I was not unlovable. Like you are probably feeling right now, at the time this did little to comfort me as my parents actually did not love and neither did my brothers and sisters. It does not get much worse than that does it?
You can perhaps be in a better position to decide if you need to change a pattern and how.
One of the things I have always pushed hard against is other people’s insight on my behavior. I see that as a pattern I need to change. Perhaps they are right if even a little bit right. I of course do not have to let them know I am right, but I will give it some thought.
Here is a piece of myself; I have raised 4 sons. They do not call me, nor remember me when it is important to me. Why? Are they ungrateful and selfish,..a little. But I realize that I have to take the “mother smother” off of them for them to feel comfortable around me. I know this will take years for them to recognize and they will test me. But I want a relationship with them and taking a pause has given me time to think this over.
Do this for yourself. BTW, I am confident that anyone reading your email felt some love for you.
MaureenSeptember 30, 2014 at 1:25 am #65782
I was “that girl” you rejected. I still love you but I do not want you in my life. I have had therapy and am doing better without you. In fact, if you have not ever considered this try, “getting back with an ex like you is like re reading an old book, I already know how it ends.
So stay in you comfort zone and if you ever cared about me,move on.September 30, 2014 at 1:19 am #65781
I don’t know why you would want to make anyone feel anything and this is not a judgement. You seem to expect if you do this he will do that. So picture this dynamic 20 years from now. Good Time? nope/
The other thing is even if he is jealous there is no guarantees that will make him want you. It is a game. Dont do this. be real. You deserve real.If you are hurt deal with that without him, but try not to create a crisis of dishonesty to get him back.August 29, 2014 at 11:35 pm #64114
I am working on words. I am beginning to realize people do not think in those terms, it is like a fantasy. People love me, my sons love me, my friends love me. So I am revisiting the word to get a more realistic perspective on how I really feel, where is my true loss coming from.August 29, 2014 at 11:30 pm #64113
Destroyed your future? How do you know that? I know that what you thought your future would be is possibly destroyed, but that only gives you something to look forward to. Honestly, you have some work to do on you. As long as you are focused on this girls and the relationship, you are distracted from the real issue-you. She’s gone. You are still here.
You should cry. You should cry and cry until you cannot cry anymore. You should also see a therapists. You need cognitive support.You are not any different from the rest of us when we have suffered a loss. I was like you for about 3 weeks, but it isnow 3 month, yes I still cry once in a while, but why shouldn’t I, I felt destroyed. Like you. You don’t want this girl back. She is with someone else and you want someone who will stick by you, but more important you want a relationship based on love, not dependence. To get there brother you have some work to do. So do it. You are fine right now. You will be fine. Your future is not destroyed. You are lonely, betrayed, and hurt.August 13, 2014 at 5:44 pm #63321
My first thought is there is someone out there that wants a chance with you, Why would you deny yourself that?August 13, 2014 at 5:41 pm #63320
It takes time and commitment to yourself. Think of this as about you not the relationship. Talk to someone objective and make a list of all the things you can do now, you could not do in a relationship. Just my 3 cents.August 11, 2014 at 6:30 am #63075
I am not really an ‘online’ person. I like tiny buddha. It resonates with me. I have actually experienced comfort from the feedback.Ryan, Thank you. Because I am in therapy, and learning to meditate, et al., I am looking forward to getting a glimpse of who I really am and not who I was told I was. Just typing this creates enthusiasm for me.
Attract Kindness and thank you.
MaureenAugust 9, 2014 at 4:59 pm #62956
I am grateful for these kind words and they do ring true. I am looking forward to being on the other side of these feelings. I believe I can change the way I feel. Right now, in my life, this is my most important journey. While it saddens me that other people know this sense of emptiness, that I am not alone in this. These responses make me remember some advice I received so long ago, it was, “what would you tell yourself, if you were speaking to your child?”
I am a very patient person. Right now I am facing things I have not been able to articulate because I have not given it the thought I deserve. I have a good therapist. I wonder what I will be like on the other side of this? Thank you for your thoughtful and provocative words of wisdom. I have these comments on my phone to re read. I love to read and will take every opportunity to find these books and read them.
Kind warm regards, MaureenAugust 1, 2014 at 8:07 pm #62432
For me, and I am almost on the other side of a shocking break up myself, we look and seek for understanding, it is such a relief the day you realize you stopped asking why? What a lift off your shoulders and it happens it really does. The loneliness one feels when they are rejected, is the sum of all of the rejections and sadness one has in their lives. But we have to go through it. But not alone. I applaud you for reaching out to people for encouragement. You are not alone. You are not the reason he is the way he is. For me, I am beginning to realize the things I can do now, without him. My life is funner, I dance better,I hike and I paint and I sing better, my work is better and I am feeling better all around. But it is a slow process and anyone who wants to share time with me, is going to have to be worth my time. I know you are going to reach a place where this is all behind you and you will stop asking all the why questions. Actually what I came to believe was his breaking up with me (email!) was like being stood up by a charity date.Peace and love. Take this with you.July 31, 2014 at 8:57 pm #62376
That is kind of a backward question. More like, can you be hurt by someone you think loves you? Well yes of course. But this thing he is going through has nothing to do with you. This is about him. In addition, you kind of set yourself up for disappointment when you do things for someone not to keep score, and that when you do things for people out of guilt or sympathy then you are creating a co dependent relationship. You don’t want that. You want a relationship based on love. Boundaries are not for keeping people out, they are for keeping you safe. Move on. Look forward to what life is offering you.