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Breakup and don't know how to move on

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This topic contains 16 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months, 1 week ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 17 total)
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  • #127783

    Heartbrokengurl
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I apologize if this is a long post, but its a bit of a long story.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years, and live together. We have had a lot of ups and downs, and last year even broke up for a few weeks. He has some anger issues, and I have trouble with intimacy. He always brings up sex and says talking to me about it is like pulling teeth. I dont think I am like that, but in any event, he does.

    He will pick fights, and lose his temper over very simple things, and its like walking on eggshells…I dont know what is going to set him off. When we got back together, things were good for a few months, and then we had a fight, over the silliest thing. We took a couple days apart and ultimately decided to break up again.

    I signed a lease for a new apartment and am set to move out in a few weeks. Part of me did this because I was hoping it would cause him to make a big confession of love, and tell me not to go, but he hasn’t. Yesterday was Valentines day, and nothing happened (he is currently staying at his parents). Im not trying to manipulate him coming back, or apologizing etc., I had just hoped that he would have done anything not to lose me.

    I know he loves me, and when we were together, the good stuff was good. I just wish we could have gotten over this stuff…which I dont know if he ever could.

    Now Im heartbroken, and realizing that he will never come to me to try to fix things, it would have to be me, like last time. I’m trying to see my value, and respect myself at the same time.

    I dont know how to move on, and let go of the hope that things could ever change. Maybe living apart could change things? I dont know…

    Any advice would help. Thank you!

    #127789

    Maureen
    Participant

    You poor thing. Can I just say that you guys are not a match. Of course you cannot be intimate with someone who intimidates you. Someone once gave me some advice; What would you tell your son/daughter if they were in this situation?

    He does not love you. Poor dear does not love himself. If he did, he would know what love felt like and would want to share that feeling with you, if he loved you, which he cannot.

    Do you not see your value without him. Standing all alone, just between you and the heavens do you truly see no value? That is so much pressure to put upon another person. No one can possibly be responsible for your self wrth without resenting it a little bit.

    Start over. Like I told the other gentle person. Take a pause. (google pause button therapy). Give this a rethink before you move toward another human.

    How to move on: Make a decision to move on. Be brave about it. It is better for him and for you. Now stop thinking about it. Think about what you can do in your life alone, without anyone else. Stand on top of the world and see your value.

    #127791

    Kizzy Fields
    Participant

    Sorry to hear of your troubles. However this sounds exactly like what I went through with the father of my and his only three children. First off let me say that two years is enough time to realize you want to be married. He hasn’t made that proclamation (dead end). Secondly, his anger issues need to be dealt with before he could even be in any type of relationship (he can’t give you what you “need” if he still has unresolved problems). I spent ten years trying to get my children’s father to love me and get it right. I gave him three babies and we still fought a lot. The thing that stands out the most here, is “I was always the one to make things right again.” It always only lasted for a little while, but it sustained me, and I kept loving him. Bottom line here is, the relationship will be,and in my case “always was,” about him and beneficial for him. Until it wasn’t anymore. My advice: Look out for number one (You) and keep it moving. If he can’t (or doesn’t want to) live without you, he (not you) will make the necessary steps to make it work. And not just asking for your forgiveness or asking you back. The necessary “steps” (working on him to be better for “YOU”) to make it work.

    #127809

    Heartbrokengurl
    Participant

    Thank you both for your kind words and advice, I really do appreciate it and everything you said makes so much sense.

    My bf (ex) does have some esteem issues too I think. He stutters and was bullied when he was younger, so I dont know that hes ever gotten over that. I would love to be the person that could make him feel so loved, and take care of him, but I have tried and I dont get the same back.
    Anything negative I say, or maybe not even necessarily negative, he gets his back up and gets so defensive.
    Kizzy, I’m sorry about what you have gone through as well. I thought maybe if we have kids it will bring us closer, etc., but now I know it would probably make things worse.
    I’m just worried about moving on at my age without having kids yet. I’m 34 and terrified that i’ve missed my chance at getting married and starting a family. All my friends and family have surpassed me, and I feel like I’m just starting over again.

    #127813

    Mark
    Participant

    All I can say is I know how you feel. I am going through almost the exact same thing. My decision to move on was a year and a half ago, and things get easier over time. In my case a lot of the issues were similar and I know we very much loved one another but whenever things went in a direction to get more committed she would freak out and/or sabotage the relationship. It was after 3 and a half years I left after many attempts to get us moving forward again. Now I’m 41 and out here in the totally different dating world and it’s intimidating but my advice is get on meetup or similar sites and keep trying, though with some moderation between you time and date time.

    #127817

    anita
    Participant

    Dear heartbrokengirl:

    I would suggest you don’t let your fear of not being a wife and a mother lead you to your ex boyfriend’s parents’ home for another try. He seems to be fine with the breakup, not pursuing you at all, not trying… at all- I wouldn’t go pursuing him yet again.

    Lots of people do not like online dating, had bad experiences, so I am hesitant to suggest it yet again. I had a very good experience with online dating that resulted in marriage. If you are in a hurry to find a partner, I can’t think of a better and faster way than online dating because (if you live in a big enough urban area) there is no other way to meet the greatest number of men to evaluate and choose from. You can use online dating to interview men first online and then in casual settings like a coffee house, in the middle of the day (non working days). I can go on, but let me know if you are interested in more.

    anita

    #127825

    Heartbrokengurl
    Participant

    I know, I wish he would pursue me, and it really hurts that he hasn’t. All I can think about is him with another girl, and moving on with someone else and I can’t handle it.
    We actually met online, and I’ve met most of my past exes online. I do hope i meet someone soon to help take my mind off of him, but still is hard to believe anyone will amount to him, and/or believe that I will eve have a spark with anyone else.

    #127835

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi heartbrokengurl,

    You have no time to lose if you want to start a family. Your Ex BF showed you what you DON’T want. This will help you clarify what you DO want. He left because he also, deep down, knows he can’t be the future husband and father he would need to be.

    The radio silence on Valentine’s Day is all the confirmation you need that you indeed made the right decision.

    Perhaps hire a quality matchmaker to get serious.

    Best,

    Inky

    #127857

    anita
    Participant

    Dear heartbrokengurl:

    In your last post you write: “(It) is hard to believe anyone will amount to him”

    In your original post, you wrote: “He will pick fights, and lose his temper over very simple things, and its like walking on eggshells..”

    I hope that a future man in your life will NOT “amount to him”- that is, will not pick fights and will not lose his temper over very simple things. That way you won’t be walking on eggshells.

    anita

    #127869

    Heartbrokengurl
    Participant

    Thanks Anita. I think I just keep going back and fourth between his good qualities and bad qualities. He had so many good ones. He was affectionate, thoughtful, and funny, more than any other guy I have been with. I’m just missing those parts of him so much, and am scared that no one is going to amount to those qualities about him.
    Every morning I wake up and I forget this has happened for a second, then realize that I’m alone, and he’s not in the bed with me, and it devastates me.
    His bad qualities however, (picking fights, his temper, walking on eggshells), I don’t miss at all. I just wish we could have solved that to be together.

    #127871

    Lynn
    Participant

    Dear heartbrokengurl,

    Sending good thoughts your way. I’m sorry to read that you are hurting, but you will be okay.

    His bad qualities sound pretty bad, so to me that certainly outweighs the good qualities you listed. I have difficulty imagining an affectionate, thoughtful guy picking fights, losing his temper, etc. Affectionate, loving, thoughtful people don’t do those things.

    I’m sure you will find a great guy. Just take some time to focus on yourself and doing what makes you happy.

    I am a single gal as well. I’m 35, not too sure if I want kids, but I do hope to find a great guy someday. But until then I’m pursuing other goals and bettering myself.

    #127873

    anita
    Participant

    Dear heartbrokengurl:

    It is interesting how, in our minds, we separate a person into “the good parts” and “the bad parts” as if the person is two different people, and then we miss “the good parts” as if they ever existed alone.

    When he picked fights with you, and quickly lose his temper- he was not “affectionate, thoughtful, and funny” during those times.

    What you had with him was a package deal, at times he was affectionate and thoughtful and at times he was not, angry and aggressive instead. When living with a person who is sometimes aggressive, we feel unsafe, even though most of the time the person is affectionate. You walked on eggshells because you felt unsafe.

    Biologically, like other animals, we focus on danger first. And so, it is most important to find a partner who is never aggressive in the relationship with you. (It is possible to feel angry AND not express it aggressively). The aggression spoils the affectionate part.

    anita

    #127909

    Jo Montgomery
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I’m actually in the same situation right now. I had just broken up with my ex-boyfriend after 2 and a half years. We used to live together. The break up ended so badly. I was sobbing and weeping while walking away from him. We ended like two strangers. He said he does not love me anymore. Few months ago, we had been fighting about his friends who are so bad influence like they take drugs and slept with chicks. I was so frustrated but even if he did those things to me, I tried to beg him to stay and to work our differences. But at the end of the day, we both felt so exhausted. Right now,after a week of breaking up and no contact, I’ve heard he’s already flirting with someone which of course breaks my heart. I really want to get over this feeling and totally moved on. I want to know how and where should I start. I lost myself in our relationship. I used to be a strong and independent woman however it was changed when he arrived. Whenever I think about him with another woman it breaks my heart but the kind of pain that doesn’t bring tears anymore. I am just so sad. Please help me and enlighten me.

    #127911

    anita
    Participant

    * Dear jmont: If you would like the response of the Original Poster of this thread only, you posted in the correct place. If you would like replies from other members, please start your own thread: click FORUMS, choose a CATEGORY (RELATIONSHIPS, seems to me), click it, scroll down the page. You can copy your post above and paste it there.
    anita

    #127929

    Brav3
    Participant
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