Maureen,

A lot of your descriptions sounded very familiar to how I have felt. Outwardly very confident, but afraid of abandonment inside. In a way, the fear of abandonment can spur someone on to become lively and funny. It’s a way to guarantee that people would stick around for longer. Unfortunately the deep belief that one is actually not worthy of love tends to sabotage everything in the end. The created illusion of confidence can’t hide the deep seated beliefs for any prolonged period.

The good thing is that you can indeed overcome it. The bad thing is that it’s not easy to change fundamental beliefs.

Right now you are seeking attachment to someone else, so that you would feel loved, but the void within can not be filled by another person. It has to be filled by you. Others tend to treat you the way you treat yourself and how you see yourself: as likeable but not loveable. So you’ll probably have a lot of friends, but not that one romantic partner that you so crave to have. It’s not because factually there would be anything wrong with you. It’s because you fundamentally belief that there is something wrong with you. Otherwise you wouldn’t be so scared. But those are all things that you’ve created for yourself and aren’t the actual truth.

There are a lot of things that you could do. Try to stay active here and look around, read and participate. I would also recommend both Susan Anderson’s and David Richo’s books. Try Metta meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3uLqt69VyI

Above all, you’ll have to let love in. Believing deep down that you’re not worthy of love and then seeking love is like trying to push together magnets that have the wrong kind of polarity. You might be surrounded by love (and you are), but the fundamental belief will shield your heart from allowing anything in, and thus you end up depriving it of love as well. Don’t deprive yourself. Nurture yourself!

Maureen, I’m experiencing the exact same problem with you. All of my relationship, i’ve been the dumpee. It makes me wonder my self worth too and i desperately want to be in a safe and loving relationship that when i had one, i couldn’t see it. The fear was too intense and suffocating. I decided that it’s about time i face my fear once and for all. I’m tired of running away and hoping for another “perfect” partner to fix me.

It’s really tough, you will fall and you will have to force yourself back up again. Every time i ache, i will put a hand on my heart and just talk to myself like how i will comfort a friend. I’ll keep telling myself that i love myself, and accept my good and bad, acknowledge that i’m hurting and it’s okay to feel hurt. I will still be here for myself. Seeing my inner self as a another person living inside helps me on my bad moments.

The hard truth that i learned is that no one can truly understand how you feel or offer the support we need and be there for us. The only person that will, is ourselves. So we might as well learn how.

I’m currently reading: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985
maybe you can try that book.

Sending love and prayer to you, hope one day we can finally be at ease with ourselves and hopefully a great life partner. If you need someone to talk or vent, i’m here for you. Let’s get through this together.

Maureen,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and know how alone we can feel, how empty. When you say “I am unlovable”, I hear “I have difficulty loving” or “I am unable to feel love”. Being “unlovable” is total bullshit, or else the folks here at TB wouldn’t be able to love you. And we do. 🙂

I love Irene’s suggestion to put your hand on your heart and speak tenderly to yourself. The belief “I am unlovable” erodes quite wonderfully when we patiently, tenderly, take our heart in our hands and whisper sweet words of comfort and solace. After all, until you love yourself, until you open that wonderful heart of yours, show yourself how beautiful and caring you can be, how could you ever patiently help someone learn to love you properly, in the way you wish to be treated? How could you place your hand on their heart, patiently speaking whispers of tenderness to them in the way they wish to be treated?

*hugs* to you, sis, I wish you could see how beautiful you really are.

With warmth,
Matt

Big hugs to you Maureen..
I am going thru a similar situation, I feel I am unlovable too, my partner of 5 years broke up with me, I a blaming myself as I feel I don’t deserve to be loved, I’m a very kind and beautiful person, but I have so much fears, I’m scared to fully accept love into my life, I find it hard even to love myself, so honestly I know what you are feeling.I have low self esteem, it’s been 2 months since he left me, I sometimes wonder if I will find love again.. Slowly I am trying to face my fears, the members here are precious, their support is amazing…
It is great you are into therapy, it will help you understand better what is happening and you will emerge a stronger person..
Kadija

Maureen,

Consider spending some time looking at how everyone makes mistakes. You, me, them… all of us. The lucky ones laugh at mistakes, then clean it up if possible. The unlucky ones say “I’m a failure” and hide. If we actually look how silly we all are, bumping elbows and toes as we all try to find our happiness, connection, and so forth, we cultivate gratitude and humility… and an authentic, deep laughter at both the rain and sunshine. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt