Forum Replies Created
January 8, 2015 at 12:15 am #70885
Thank you for all your kind works, i realized there’s nothing i can do about it. I really pray that this will only turn out good for him as i meant no harm to him.
@yue, i agree with you. I’m not very happy with my current life and still is struggling with some self love issues. maybe that’s why i’m so desperately try to fix him.
Losing him kind of opened my eyes how i’m still vulnerable and dependent towards other people. I haven’t been sleeping well and there’s this constant feeling of lost and sadness throughout my days. I know i’m romanticizing the past, there were a lot of times he treat me as i didn’t matter. and ironically i did feel alone too on some days where he wasn’t sober, but i think what gave me a sense of comfort is that there’s always someone i can talk to before i fall asleep. I’m trying hard to move on, i don’t seem to know how to live by myself. Do you guys have any similar experience and any advice?
Thank youJanuary 7, 2015 at 11:36 am #70778
What if he weren’t serious about the suicide but now that i make his life harder with criminal record, he plunge further to depression and finally did it…?
I find myself keep checking on my skype with anxiety and fear that i will find bad news. I hope not. Please. If that happens i think i’ll really lost it.January 7, 2015 at 11:09 am #70770
Thank you for the replies Inky and Kath. I think a part of why i can’t forgie myself is how harsh i’ve talked regarding his sister’s death. I meant no disrespect, all i was trying to do is to make him see there’s no point ruining his life over some fact that we can’t do nothing about. I’ve been repeating the same thing again and again but i lost it wheb he told me he doesnt care what i think. It feels like everything i’ve been doing to support and being there for him for the past 5 months are nothing. The hateful curses and names he called me is another thing that shattered my confidence. Never in my mind i’ve ever thought he could be this hateful towards me. We shared our troubles weaknesses, the bad decisions and past we have. We both let each other see the part where we are the most vulnerable. He told me he would never hurt me intentionally no matter what, and i believed his words. But hearing how a person who know you well call you ugly, tell you to kill yourself shatters my sense of worth.
We are currently not talking as he told me i ruined his life and he doesnt want anything to do with me. But i miss him so bad, i want to make ammends and hopefully return to where we were before but i don’t have the guts to contact him…i feel so guilty for dragging him to another issues. If i could just stop trying to change him maybe we wouldn’t have argued about his sister’s death.January 7, 2015 at 12:46 am #70751
@Sondersome – Hang on there sister, i was in your place few months back. I didn’t even see it coming, a day before he disappear on me he still kissed my forehead and told me how happy he is with me. He disappeared and when i call him, he broke up with me. We’ve been together for 4 years. Never in my life i thought he will do this to me, someone that i trusted with all my heart. What i’ve learnt is that, these people, who broke up with us, they already left the relationship long before they actually broke up with us. It’s not a matter of thing that you think for an hour, a day or two. They’ve checked themselves out long before they pull the trigger. This thinking kind of helped me moved on. Why i should stop living my life when he is happy out there with someone else? (he got into a new relationship a month after we broke up).
I understand how you feel, there will be days when waking up from the bed is the last thing you want to do, you dream about how he will come back to you and realize his mistake. Sadly to say, this won’t happen. What helped me back then is to see a therapist for my anxiety, exercise whenever the anxiety kicks in so i’ll be too exhausted to think, read on articles on Tiny Buddha, wrote a letter for myself telling myself that there’s no one capable of always being there for you forever except myself. I read this out loud whenever i feel bad, some sort of assurance that i’m not alone, i have myself, even if it feels lonely sometimes and some days are harder than the others.
i also keep replaying this song : http://youtu.be/LO36F–Vn1g again and again. Or listen to Ajahn Brahm talk :
he may be a buddhist monk but his talk is easy on any beliefs you believe in.
To sums it up, exercise, eat well, take care of yourself, listen to inspiring talk, and start working on yourself and accept that some people are just not meant to stay. After months getting out from the depression, i’ve met a lot of new people and it makes me realize, my ex weren’t so good at all. There are a lot of better person out there for me and most importantly, i learned what caused the break up, where i need to fix myself so i won’t repeat the same mistake in my next relationship.
Hang on there, i love you, we’ll get through this together.September 5, 2014 at 3:05 am #64406
I understand your struggle and it saddens me that there are people suffering with this issues. We know how much pain and fear it could bring us. My mother was emotionally abusive when i was young, mockery and demeaning words were and still part of my daily life. I wish i could tell you how i manage to love myself, apparently I’m still struggling, and like you those great articles and quotes can’t seem to ease the pain. Some days i drown myself in social events, attaching myself to any guy that even show a slight interest in me, but in the end all these ended up hurting me even further.
I see your pain eve, and i feel it too, sadly i have no answer or advice to offer other than telling you that i understand how painful it is. I wish one day we can finally feel at ease with ourselves, meanwhile all we can do is keep trying to do what’s best for us. Get up each time we fall and stay strong.
Love and hugs to you.September 5, 2014 at 2:51 am #64405
Bump, any advice will be greatly appreciated 🙁August 12, 2014 at 2:38 am #63150
Thank you for the very kind words Sat Nam. To be honest if there’s any available guy that’s interested in me I’ll jump into the relationship wagon asap. But being unemployed and have a non existent social life make moving on so much harder. I’m having setbacks today, strapping myself tight for the roller coaster ride. Hopefully everything will be okay. Love and hugs to you and your sons.August 10, 2014 at 10:25 pm #63034
Hi Sat Nam,
Reading your post it sounds just like me. I hate being single and the fear of being alone can be crippling. Even when i’m in a relationship, i will have a lot of fear and insecurities. Small issues will seem like a big deal and my fear always came true, they left again. I agree that the deep rooted problem that caused us all these is our lack of self love. We feel inadequate, or something must be wrong with us that we keep ending up in the same situation. I’m sure you are sick of it and want to get better, i do too. Seeing a therapist can help, reading CBT book on self esteem helps too. Whenever i feel that fear coming, i exercise. I’d rather have that muscle pain trying to finish that reps rather than feeling the hurt, after exercising you’ll feel much clearer and proud of yourself. There are a lot of exercise routine on youtube that you can do from home.
Chin up, you are beautiful and let’s learn to make peace with ourselves. Sending lot’s of love to you 🙂August 10, 2014 at 10:13 pm #63033
at 28 years old i still argue with my parents sometimes and they still tell me what to do and what they want from me (Asian family, what do you expect?). What my therapist told me is to stop changing my parents, because no amount of logic argumentation will and we all know that “I’m your parents, you owe me” mentality in Asian family.
My mother would hit me when i had bad grades and tell me I’m ugly when i was young, it doesn’t happen anymore but it’s something i still carry to this day. You can imagine how much anger i have, BUT they are always there when i’m at the lowest point of my life. Stop trying to make them see your point of view, because they won’t. If they tell you what to do, listen and consider but the decision is still in your hand. I find that yelling with them is another point that encourage them to think you are still immature. Adopting an assertive way of communication is a better choice. Another trick that my therapist told me, is to understand your role. We have so many roles in life, daughter, friend, sister, etc and our behavior adapt to what roles we are playing at that time. In another word, be a “professional daughter”. Treat it like a job with a set of responsibilities and you will get along better. After all they care for us and paid for almost everything we got (education, clothes, food, etc).
Don’t let your relationship with your parents bring you regret when they are no longer around or when your children treat you the same way. It’s tough when we feel our parents don’t understand us, i still have problems with them even at this age! But let’s take it as a lesson to learn how to deal with difficult person. We might need it someday 🙂 cheer up!August 9, 2014 at 9:58 am #62939
Thank you for replying Ruminant, and do i need to mention that it’s you who made me realize that i have victim mentality? Thank you! From my experience, the change that i made regarding myself are usually temporary before i tell myself that i can do it and that i “graduated”. But when hard time arise, everything i learned flew out of the window. I’m trying to treat the actual cause but it’s way to tangled for me to even know which is the real cause. how do you get to the bottom root?
It’ll be very encouraging for me to hear the ups and downs of people on TB about how they make positive changes stay in their life.August 9, 2014 at 9:46 am #62938
Maureen, I’m experiencing the exact same problem with you. All of my relationship, i’ve been the dumpee. It makes me wonder my self worth too and i desperately want to be in a safe and loving relationship that when i had one, i couldn’t see it. The fear was too intense and suffocating. I decided that it’s about time i face my fear once and for all. I’m tired of running away and hoping for another “perfect” partner to fix me.
It’s really tough, you will fall and you will have to force yourself back up again. Every time i ache, i will put a hand on my heart and just talk to myself like how i will comfort a friend. I’ll keep telling myself that i love myself, and accept my good and bad, acknowledge that i’m hurting and it’s okay to feel hurt. I will still be here for myself. Seeing my inner self as a another person living inside helps me on my bad moments.
The hard truth that i learned is that no one can truly understand how you feel or offer the support we need and be there for us. The only person that will, is ourselves. So we might as well learn how.
I’m currently reading: http://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Cognitive-Techniques-Assessing-Maintaining/dp/1572241985
maybe you can try that book.
Sending love and prayer to you, hope one day we can finally be at ease with ourselves and hopefully a great life partner. If you need someone to talk or vent, i’m here for you. Let’s get through this together.August 7, 2014 at 7:50 am #62822
Thank you to both Inky and Ruminant. Inky, i wondered too why I’ve been friend with this particular person for so long, and its something we call “best friends” too. You made me realize those moments when she would say i’m ugly on the inside..No, i’m not a bad person, really..The good points she managed to say is i have a good posture BUT flat chested.. i don’t know if it’s me being too sensitive but this person doesn’t sound like someone i can count on..August 7, 2014 at 1:58 am #62806
Hello The Ruminant, Thank you so much for your reply. You’ve brought another perspective for me on the way I’m handling this issues. My previous relationship before this is an abusive one, i guess that have taken toll on my self confidence. i agree with you that i tend to see myself as the helpless victim. This is one aspect of myself i’m trying to work on.
But can you enlighten me on what is the reason that my actions of asking my friends about my 2 good points is a game of self pity?
I’m curious to see this from another point of view. As for me, i do feel unlovable being replaced so fast, as absurd as it sounds. The purpose of me asking is to prove to myself that, no, i have my good merits too. I was trying desperately to see the good in me.
Thank you again for replying, i really love how you manage to give me a slap back to the reality.