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i need someone to talk to

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  • #62803
    Irene
    Participant

    my 4 years relationship ended 3 months ago and he’s out there with someone new. I’m totally crumbled, i can’t even describe it, there’s so much pain. I was pretty desperate so i messaged my friends to ask them to tell me 2 good points about myself, i said i need it badly and i thought who would know you better than 11 years of friendship right? nope, I’ve never been so wrong in my life and i regret reaching out. One of them say it’s a difficult questions and she can’t answer that.
    It is really what i need isn’t it? to hear that someone who have been friends with me for 11 years tell me its hard to answer what my good points are when i’m really really need it, my 4 years ex replacing me in the count of 3 months. what does that say about me?

    someone, anyone, please. i feel the world is closing on me and there’s no one. i know this sounds absurd but the feeling is currently very real for me.

    #62805
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Irene,

    I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through. I know it hurts a lot.

    The pain is one thing, the narration for that pain is another. The reality is that a relationship ended and that he is now with someone else. That is what we know. However, any explanations that you start to give yourself may or may not correspond with reality. Right now you see it from the perspective that he was with you with four years and now he has replaced you with someone else so fast afterwards. Another perspective would be that he was with you for four years and he can’t stand the pain of separation either and wanted a rebound as soon as possible. There’s your side of the story, his side of the story and then there’s the truth.

    In any case, the problem with your approach is that you are looking at it from the perspective of being this poor victim who’s somehow completely unloveable and so you reach out, from this stance, to other people and ask them to validate your perspective. That is essentially what you are doing by asking other people to tell you two things that are good about you. What if they don’t want to play this game with you? What if they don’t want to feed the self-pity? Of course there are good things about you, you wouldn’t have been in a four year relationship and had a 11 year friendship if that was not the case. Come on. Drop the self-pity narration and focus on healing yourself. It does hurt when you separate from another person and so you need to take time to tend to yourself and love yourself.

    Instead of asking other people to join you in misery, why not ask them to join you in healing? Go for a walk in a garden together, cook together, etc. Fill your senses with the sights and sounds of life. Or do those things by yourself. Just get out of your head and into the world!

    #62806
    Irene
    Participant

    Hello The Ruminant, Thank you so much for your reply. You’ve brought another perspective for me on the way I’m handling this issues. My previous relationship before this is an abusive one, i guess that have taken toll on my self confidence. i agree with you that i tend to see myself as the helpless victim. This is one aspect of myself i’m trying to work on.

    But can you enlighten me on what is the reason that my actions of asking my friends about my 2 good points is a game of self pity?
    I’m curious to see this from another point of view. As for me, i do feel unlovable being replaced so fast, as absurd as it sounds. The purpose of me asking is to prove to myself that, no, i have my good merits too. I was trying desperately to see the good in me.

    Thank you again for replying, i really love how you manage to give me a slap back to the reality.

    #62809
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hi Irene,

    You kind of answered yourself the question why it is a game of self-pity in the next paragraph 🙂 Deep down, and rationally thinking, you know that you have good features. More than just two. So to ask for those things is to ask for validation and attention to the idea that you wouldn’t have any, and that’s not something people really like to do. And rightly so.

    Look at this for examples of what I’m talking about: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loaded_question

    Regardless of how the other person answers your question, they know that they are stepping into something that’s difficult to get out of and that’s why people don’t want to step into it in the first place.

    You need to get out of that place as well and into living your life. Yes, life is painful as well, but it’s not that bad when you’re not stuck in the misery for a prolonged period. Getting unstuck is really your choice. That is both good news and bad news. The good news is that you have all the power in the world to get out of it, and you don’t have to rely on other people to pull you out. The bad news is that it’s hard work and requires a lot of humility when honestly facing your own part in everything. It is much easier to take the route of “oh poor unloveable me” than to stand up and say “yes, I’ve made mistakes as well”.

    Your mind is just clouded at the moment, and you can’t see that you are actually loved ad infinitum. You’ve invested in believing that you’re not, but you’ll need to cut your losses and change the route!

    #62811
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Irene,

    I think you’re mad at two things ~ the symptom of the relationship being really over (the new GF), and a simple Woman’s Day Magazine type nurturance exercise gone bad. Which just really puts the naturally bad feelings over the top. Like, “Oh, REALLY???”

    So I don’t think the call your friends and have them say two things about you is self pity, victim-y at all. I’ve actually done it after a tough time, but only with one friend, because, that’s what girl friends do!! Silly stuff like that to make each other feel better. I think because it was One Small Thing, and it went wrong, feels like a punk slap from The Universe.

    Well, take it as a time to reset.

    And why are you friends with someone after a decade and they can’t think of anything nice to say to you? Even when asked??

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
    #62813
    Inky
    Participant

    P.S. Obviously, as Ruminant is pointing out, if your whole aura is Victim-y, Pity Me, then, yes, that would be a huge turn off to anyone.

    #62814
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Women want to do the weirdest things 🙂 Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me, and my X-chromosome has a part missing…

    To me there is a distinct difference in energy between someone asking for help in healing and someone asking for validation. I would personally be turned off by the latter, as it feels like manipulation and I don’t take kindly to manipulation. The former is genuine way of asking for support. Unfortunately some people aren’t good at asking for help directly, so they try to milk it in other ways, and that’s draining.

    It’s not about being a “bad” person, but just rather not having the tools to handle interpersonal relationships in a straighforward fashion. People who are used to walking on eggshells tend to not be direct in their communication, and end up trying to get what they want in indirect ways. Ironically, this makes things worse in relationships and makes the person feel more and more as if they just aren’t good enough.

    #62816
    Inky
    Participant

    I totally get what you’re saying. It depends on the friendship, too. Maybe I’m lucky, but I see girlfriends (and there are different types) as being chicks you can have fun with, let your hair down with. I can see after a breakup this easy exchange:

    “Girlfriennnnnd, OMG, I can’t believe he took up with that s#$k wh$%^ already!!”

    “Don’t worry about it Grrrl!”

    “Am I so terrible??” *drags on smoke*

    “Not at all!!” *passes a beer*

    *shyly* “Tell me 2 nice things about me??”

    “Grrrrrlllll, I can tell you 100!!” *passes chocolate*

    “Thx, Girl Friend!”

    *Convo. moves onto other things*

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
    #62822
    Irene
    Participant

    Thank you to both Inky and Ruminant. Inky, i wondered too why I’ve been friend with this particular person for so long, and its something we call “best friends” too. You made me realize those moments when she would say i’m ugly on the inside..No, i’m not a bad person, really..The good points she managed to say is i have a good posture BUT flat chested.. i don’t know if it’s me being too sensitive but this person doesn’t sound like someone i can count on..

    #62823
    Inky
    Participant

    I told one of my friends, “Don’t qualify a compliment.” (compliment plus “but”)

    It worked!

    Next time she hurts your feelings, can just say “I can’t believe you said that” and let her sit with it for a while. Then when she contacts you again you can say, “Are we going to have a repeat of your (her latest quote that made you feel bad) fiasco?” Now she knows that you can’t be put down so easily, that you’ll call her on it, and she is not in some perceived power position.

    The friendship will crumble after that or she may start treating you with respect.

    But honestly? I would spend my energy enjoying the company of non-toxic friends!

    #62841
    Prisha
    Participant

    Hello Irene,

    Please don’t be upset. this pain will definitely go away someday. It is not there to stay forever.
    I understand at this point in time no good saying will work if you don’t accept it willingly. And also note that you are not alone..many people have gone through this and survived.

    You know yourself that there is not only 2 reasons but many GREAT things about you.

    IF SOMEONE DOES LIKE/LOVE YOU GENUINELY NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS THEY WILL CHOOSE TO STAY.

    So its not you, its them.

    And sometimes friends do let us down in many ways and it hurts as well but this is the test time of true friends.
    Now you know who actually cares and who does not.

    Stay happy…

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