Hi Denise,

Do you go to University? If not, that would be your first step.

As a young adult, this type of dynamic is the “price you pay” if you live at home.

What works well (at least in my home LOL) is to do simple things: make the bed, do the laundry (even theirs!), do the dishes, take out the trash, while you’re going out ask if they need anything… without asking anything in return!

Tell them your hopes, your dreams, and more importantly, your plans. Ask them for their advice. Parents love that!

Parents act that way out of fear of the world out there (more scary than when we were growing up) and the fear that they will be parenting forever.

Ease their minds. Go to school, get a “real”-ish job, live by their rules, don’t argue (bite your tongue LOL), do simple chores (make their lives easier by having YOU in it!), ask their advice ~ Golden!

Denise,

In addition to Inky’s thoughtful and heartfelt advice, consider also stop trying to change your parents. That just never works, especially at 19, after being their baby for many years (and forever :)). Instead, try to accept them as is. Sure, mom struggles, and you can see how needless it is. Even so, its not yours, you can’t help by instruction. You can help by hugging, Inky’s list of kind actions, focusing on growing your own life. You’re sweet, wanting to reach out, but she’s your mom. She wipes your butt, not the other way around. From you, daughter to mother, hugs and appreciation is all she needs. Unless she asks you, but that’s a whole different thread. 🙂

With warmth,
Matt

Lol, because they’re your parents, goof ball. Of course they’re right, even when they’re wrong. 🙂 Said differently, of course you have your own journey to take, following your heart… and of course your parents tell you to stand up, sit straight, be better. That’s what parents do!

at 28 years old i still argue with my parents sometimes and they still tell me what to do and what they want from me (Asian family, what do you expect?). What my therapist told me is to stop changing my parents, because no amount of logic argumentation will and we all know that “I’m your parents, you owe me” mentality in Asian family.

My mother would hit me when i had bad grades and tell me I’m ugly when i was young, it doesn’t happen anymore but it’s something i still carry to this day. You can imagine how much anger i have, BUT they are always there when i’m at the lowest point of my life. Stop trying to make them see your point of view, because they won’t. If they tell you what to do, listen and consider but the decision is still in your hand. I find that yelling with them is another point that encourage them to think you are still immature. Adopting an assertive way of communication is a better choice. Another trick that my therapist told me, is to understand your role. We have so many roles in life, daughter, friend, sister, etc and our behavior adapt to what roles we are playing at that time. In another word, be a “professional daughter”. Treat it like a job with a set of responsibilities and you will get along better. After all they care for us and paid for almost everything we got (education, clothes, food, etc).

Don’t let your relationship with your parents bring you regret when they are no longer around or when your children treat you the same way. It’s tough when we feel our parents don’t understand us, i still have problems with them even at this age! But let’s take it as a lesson to learn how to deal with difficult person. We might need it someday 🙂 cheer up!