hello – this is essentially my story – but I am the man and the woman is walking away from me – i am also having real trouble finding closure – it has even surprised me how difficult this has been – like you i had some concerns – but she assured me she wanted me – I was the greatest thing to happen to her, etc etc – in fact, here are some of her words …”I’m happier now that I have you in my life…more than I’ve been in a long time. I’m excited to put in the work that it takes and make the changes that need to happen so that we can be a team..” – “I really do want you to know how lucky I feel to have you in my life. Not sure what I did to deserve such a loving and wonderful man”…”I do love you, and I can’t remember being quite this happy in a relationship before. In my own humble opinion….we were meant to find each other for some reason…there are more that are similar -she wanted a family with me – the whole bit…like you we moved in together – and things seemed to unravel and it was a struggle to make it a year – I just don’t understand what women/people want/expect – i have been in the same job for 18 years – am well educated with multiple degrees and a 2 graduate degrees as well – obviously i am emotionally aware (because I have found this site 🙂 ) am willing to talk and work through things – I am faithful – like you there were struggles but also a real connection – then slowly she says she just grew unhappy without really an explanation as to why…i am still searching as well – probably too hard – i recently watched “the secret” – i might suggest you do the same – you can find it on netflix – thanks for listening and hope for the best for you…

Hi sondersome,

I see a lot of what brought me to this site in your post. It reads very similar to what happened to me and I definitely understand what you are going through. You should give yourself some credit and praise for realizing a relationship should be with someone who wants to be with you not something you have to beg and plead for – it takes others a long time to realize this. I too was dumped on a holiday (Halloween). I know that feeling of wanting to pick up the phone and call that person – I myself had so many unanswered questions that I had to try to let go of – and I had to take her number out of my phone to resist the urges after awhile. For me the thing that hurt the most was knowing I did everything I could to support and love her and at the end it was almost like she was disgusted with me. Ultimately I realized none of that mattered, her opinion stopped mattering, I knew I was a good person and I could walk away from the relationship knowing I did everything I could to try to make it work and it just wasn’t meant to be. Thoughts like that might not be comforting yet, you are going to feel sad or lost for awhile, that’s okay and normal I believe. The key is that you don’t stay in that place longer than you need to – you won’t immediately bounce right back and you should allow yourself time to grieve but don’t let this experience lead you to a stagnant place where you are shutting the doors on the opportunities of life (if that makes any sense).

I think everybody is a little bit different so what seems to be working for me might not necessarily work for you but I’ll offer up what I am doing to try to progress. I think the most important thing is that you focus on yourself and be selfish for a little while. Be kind to yourself and realize that even though things didn’t work out with that person, your wants and needs are just as legitimate as theirs and you have a right to happiness yourself.

It’s been about two and half months for me and many days have been a struggle, I honestly have to take it hour by hour some days, but I’ve tried applying different techniques to cope and not stay stuck in the feelings of sadness. Sometimes I go for a walk or run, sometimes I take a few minutes to go to a quiet place and meditate, but I always try to keep a firm grasp on the present moment. Sometimes I just sit and try to find the gratitude for all the blessings in my life right now. I’m at a place where it helps me to acknowledge the events that have led me to this place but to not dwell on them. I feel them, acknowledge them, and move on. For me the thing that has helped me the most is forming a routine around all the things I had been putting off doing. Getting in shape the way I had been planning for years, finishing up my degree program and certifications, trying things I’d always wanted to do like tai chi and cooking classes. I started working on improving myself and I’m slowly seeing the way this breakup has led me to being a better version of myself. I’m seeing how my reaction to the adversities of life are changing to more positive responses – I’m gaining a gratitude for all the positives in my life that wasn’t there before. I feel like I’m becoming a stronger person.

Ultimately the hardest thing I’ve had to do throughout all of this was forgive my ex and show her compassion. It went against everything I felt, everything my friends has suggested to me, every response I would have had in the past. I choose to take a different approach this time and from the sounds of it you are trying to do something similar yourself. Don’t beat yourself up if you get tripped up by feelings of sadness. There are things I do and see on a daily basis that remind me of my ex or things we had done or planned to do that stir up those feelings. Just remember you are a work in progress. Not everything you find on this site might work for you or will be something you believe in but try to have an open mind (if you would have told me a year ago I would be meditating daily I would have laughed in your face). But I can promise if you put yourself first right now and show a little love and forgiveness to yourself – in time you will heal. I’ve felt just the way you are feeling right now, I get it completely, and I wish I could say there’s a quick fix to make that pain go away but there just isn’t (at least not one that is healthy for you). There’s several good blog posts on here that might help to bring you out of that frame of mind when you are feeling down. Something I like to do is whenever I’m hit with those feelings of sadness or longing, I pull up a blog post or search through some motivational quotes.

I wish you the best with your recovery, you are not alone, and it’s hard to imagine right now but if you let it this will make you a stronger person one day.

Matt

@Sondersome – Hang on there sister, i was in your place few months back. I didn’t even see it coming, a day before he disappear on me he still kissed my forehead and told me how happy he is with me. He disappeared and when i call him, he broke up with me. We’ve been together for 4 years. Never in my life i thought he will do this to me, someone that i trusted with all my heart. What i’ve learnt is that, these people, who broke up with us, they already left the relationship long before they actually broke up with us. It’s not a matter of thing that you think for an hour, a day or two. They’ve checked themselves out long before they pull the trigger. This thinking kind of helped me moved on. Why i should stop living my life when he is happy out there with someone else? (he got into a new relationship a month after we broke up).

I understand how you feel, there will be days when waking up from the bed is the last thing you want to do, you dream about how he will come back to you and realize his mistake. Sadly to say, this won’t happen. What helped me back then is to see a therapist for my anxiety, exercise whenever the anxiety kicks in so i’ll be too exhausted to think, read on articles on Tiny Buddha, wrote a letter for myself telling myself that there’s no one capable of always being there for you forever except myself. I read this out loud whenever i feel bad, some sort of assurance that i’m not alone, i have myself, even if it feels lonely sometimes and some days are harder than the others.

i also keep replaying this song : http://youtu.be/LO36F–Vn1g again and again. Or listen to Ajahn Brahm talk :

or

he may be a buddhist monk but his talk is easy on any beliefs you believe in.

To sums it up, exercise, eat well, take care of yourself, listen to inspiring talk, and start working on yourself and accept that some people are just not meant to stay. After months getting out from the depression, i’ve met a lot of new people and it makes me realize, my ex weren’t so good at all. There are a lot of better person out there for me and most importantly, i learned what caused the break up, where i need to fix myself so i won’t repeat the same mistake in my next relationship.

Hang on there, i love you, we’ll get through this together.