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Letting Go with Love

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  • #64812
    Rose Tattoo
    Participant

    I know this is yet another breakup post.

    I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 months about one week ago.

    And then I panicked and immediately regretted it, and asked if it could be more of a break than a breakup. He was hurt and held his boundary, and he was right to do so. Yes, we could see each other, but the breakup stands.

    We had a lot of problems and I know the relationship probably wasn’t the right one for me. The way I know this is because I felt the need to change myself in order to be happy in it.

    However, we really do love one another deeply. He has stood by me like no other, even with emotional problems I’ve experienced.

    This has been an agonizing week, and I have been flip-flopping a lot on how I feel about it, from knowing I did the right thing, to regretting not approaching him with our issues with a more constructive mindset before ending things.

    The upshot is that I broke up with someone I still feel very much in love with because a big part of me knew that love wasn’t enough for us to be together. I believe we can eventually build something that works better, but it won’t be a committed relationship. I’m heartbroken, full of guilt and regret, and can’t stop thinking of the good things I gave up.

    I’m trying very hard to let go with love, and to wish him true happiness with someone who is a better match, and myself also.

    But my god, this is so hard. I cry every day. Last night I cried so hard while I was driving that I had to pull over. I can’t focus on work. I reach out to friends and family, and make plans to hang out with friends, etc but nobody can help me go through this.

    Why is this so hard? How can we change the patterns in our lives so they don’t keep repeating? How can I let my ex go with love and also treat myself with love when I feel like I screwed up?

    #64820
    SIngh
    Participant

    Hello Rose Tattoo,

    First of all know that (and I think you already know this deep down) you will be doing great and will be happy again in time to come. Time heals these pains, be sure of it. I know this because I am also going through a break-up right now, (since last Saturday) with the woman who I was dating for almost four years.

    There are so many great writers on this website alone who share mounds of wisdom on how to move on and continue loving yourself so give them a good read!

    I am not aware of the details of your relationship or your age, but I can tell you that there are so many options out there for you, and as soon as you start to believe that again, that is when they will show up right in front of you!

    On the note that you broke up because you felt that you needed to change yourself, (again, I do not know the details), if this means that you would have to give up core values that define you and are what you strongly believe in, then rest assured that you made the right decision :).

    I myself had many issues with my previous relationship (and an amazing one it was), one of them for me was, as I am a Sikh, I do not eat meat and I would not marry someone in the future who continued to eat meat so that is a value for me that comes before any relationship. (ps. my mom used to eat meat, and stopped doing so in respect for her marriage with my father, and they are the happiest couple i know to date). Thus I know your pain, especially when my girlfriend was fine with the idea of not eating meat for most of the time, but just turned on it at last minute as other problems arose.

    So, Rose Tattoo, take it easy, have some fun with friends and family, indulge in some activity that is new that you’ve always wanted to do. Occupy yourself and be happy!

    Lastly, if this still consumes you and you feel that this is not the end of the relationship, then do not be afraid to give it another try. I personally do not believe that much in life, let alone a relationship, is not salvageable. The key here is growth, if you two can grow and come to reasonable terms with the previous issues truly and faithfully, then that is growth!

    So give it some time, and be patient. The world is yours for the taking, be true to yourself and you shall always at be peace and happy!

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by SIngh.
    #64906
    Ashley Arcel
    Participant

    Hi Rose Tattoo,

    First of all – I feel your pain. I think the grand majority of the human population has been in your situation at one point or another and nobody would say it was easy or fun. It is agonizing. I know the sense of hopelessness. I know you feel like howling inside.

    Several years ago, I went through a breakup with a man I was certain I would marry and, two days after the fact, a good friend of mine came over and literally dragged me out of my house. It was the first time I’d left since he and I split. She took me hiking and I cried all the way to the top of the mountain – which is a feat in the thin, Montana air at something like 10,000 ft elevation 😉 When I got to the top, I vividly remember looking out at the valley, all out of tears, and thinking very calmly, “I’m never going to get over this” and the hopelessness of that moment hit me like a truck. It felt 100% true. It felt like that was my new reality and that, every day for the rest of my life, I would have to live with that intense level of heartbreak.

    Fortunately, we do move past these things. It just takes time. Sometimes it takes a lot of time. Three years later, I still get sad about that man occasionally. But the difference is that now I know how to take care of myself – and back then I didn’t. That experience taught me how. By far the most important thing you can do right now, dear one, is to treat yourself like you are breakable. Allow yourself to feel these things – allow yourself to cry and be sad – but also remind yourself that you are not alone in this and that you are only human. Reach out to the people you love – no they can’t fix it but they can witness your pain. Eventually, they can help pull you out of the bog. Cook yourself great food or go eat the things you love. I found positive Ted Talks and books like Clarissa Pinkola Este’s “Women Who Run With The Wolves” to be incredibly helpful. If it appeals to you, consider talking to a counselor, they can be fantastic sounding boards who will just compassionately witness your pain and help you move through it.

    Above all, just remember that you are doing the best you can, at every single moment. You are brave and the fact that you are even thinking about how to let go from a place of love indicates that you are a huge-hearted and very strong person. It will take time, but you will heal. Be good to yourself, sweetheart.

    -Ashley

    #64942
    Rose Tattoo
    Participant

    Thank you both 🙂 Your words have really touched me and given me things to think about.

    #64996
    sojourner
    Participant

    Dear Rose Tatto, Such loving and wise words above – I offer you hugs and empathy. I think you sound incredibly wise and I so appreciate your wanting to let go with love – it was the title of your post that really got my attention. Such an honorable and compassionate endeavor. I know EXACTLY what you are trying to do and trying to get through. It just hurts like hell. But, you did the right thing listening to that voice inside you that said, this just isn’t right, it doesn’t fit. Rose, admitting that and acknowledging that inner voice doesn’t mean that love wasn’t, or isn’t still, present. You are mourning the loss of the potential, the dream, and embracing those beautiful memories. They will never die. But I think it is incredibly intuitive and brave of you to call it as you see it. Soldier on dear girl and remember that love is always a good thing. Breathe. Pray. Rest. Heal. Give yourself all the time you need. Consider that every moment you spend in a relationship that is not wholesome or healthy for you, is another moment in which you block a better, healthier relationship. Good things will come to you very soon.

    Blessings to you.

    #64997
    sojourner
    Participant

    PS Check out Brene Brown’s TED talk The Power of Vulnerability.

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