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Completely broken: I can't get over him & he's with someone new

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  • #75528
    Sophie
    Participant

    I’m in a lot of distress right now, and I really hope someone can help me see some light. I apologise for the length of this post but it’s quite a long story.

    First, some back story: I’m in my late 20s, and last year I got involved with a guy who completely swept me off my feet. He was my first ever relationship, and it lasted just over a month. A VERY intense month. I swear, if you’d seen us, you would have thought that we had been together for a while. It was magical to me because I could not believe that a guy like him would ever be interested in a girl like me. But a couple of dates into our relationship, I had to go overseas for a few weeks. We constantly kept in touch and he was always telling me that he missed me, that he couldn’t wait until I got home, that I was amazing, and so forth. It got quite steamy. We were completely into each other. However, a week before I came home he started to change, and things started to fall apart. By the time I arrived home, he was distant. We had one date but I could tell he just didn’t want to be there, but I would not let myself believe it. Three days later he was hardly talking to me, and I was getting paranoid. What had I done? So I asked him to call me, which he did. And then he broke up with me stating that he “wasn’t ready” for where it was going, that he needed to be single and that he just wanted to be friends.

    I tried to be his friend for a month. But during this time, I was making all the effort to keep in touch, and I ended up getting obsessive and checked up on his social networking accounts constantly (not as in logging on, but rather ‘stalking’ him). We didn’t have any mutual friends as I’d met him online. So it got super unhealthy and I was miserable. I missed him so much and I missed the closeness we had for that brief, but truly amazing time. I know what I did was wrong, but even so I managed to discover that, actually, he was actively seeking out other women. Turns out, he wasn’t that focused on being single after all. I’d reached such a low point and I knew it couldn’t continue this way, so I told him we couldn’t be friends. He agreed instantly, and deleted me and blocked me from all the social networking accounts before I’d even had a chance to do it myself.

    That was at the beginning of January, and it’s been a very tough few months for me. I started off so motivated and was determined to make a number of positive changes into my life. I joined a gym and got into healthy eating, and since mid January I have lost 10kgs. I threw myself into looking for work (I’d lost my job just before my trip overseas), but this took months and really messed with my confidence as I kept going to interviews and getting rejected. I even took a job, only to get laid off less than a week later! Last week, I finally found a part time job which will keep me going for a little while. I have joined a couple of dating sites and have been on a few dates, but this isn’t making me feel good because I am not connecting with the people that I’m going out with. None of them compare to him.

    I’ve tried to be strong, and I’ve tried to keep going. And I suppose it sounds as if I haven’t been doing too badly without him. But the truth is, I’ve had some very dark days. I have an anxiety disorder, which was under control until all of this stuff happened with him. There have been nights where I have to switch off every light in the house because I can’t stand to look at anything. I get panicky when I think about him and the prospect that I might be alone forever. See, that’s another thing. Because I’d had absolutely no experience before him, I didn’t know what I was missing in terms of companionship. I used to have no problem with being alone. But now, it scares me. I truly believe that he was my last chance at being happy with anyone and I can’t see anybody else better coming along.

    What’s worse, is that I tried to contact him two months after we cut all ties, and he didn’t want to know. He just brushed me off. I’d been contemplating messaging him for weeks and I guess I finally snapped and did it. But gosh, it was not what I wanted to hear. But I started to get better after this. I started to let him go.

    That is, until yesterday. I don’t know why I did this. But a couple of weeks ago, I decided to block all his friends on Facebook. Yesterday morning, I remembered that I had missed one… this girl. So I went to her profile to block her, and there it was – photos of them both, together. Their anniversary date was up and everything – Valentine’s Day! I remember being so miserable on Valentine’s Day and yet there he was, moving on with his life. God, this has been like a dagger. While we were together, I was always ‘threatened’ by the fact that he had so many girl friends (and was a good looking, sociable guy), and I suppose now it seems as if my fears have been realised. I have hardly been able to eat, and I haven’t been able to sleep. I couldn’t go to the gym today because I’m so exhausted. My heart is broken all over again. I know this all sounds completely insane (trust me, I realise this as I’m typing – it does sound completely loony and utterly unhealthy) but I just don’t know what to do now. I’m so unhappy and I can’t see myself ever being happy again. And they look so into each other, and there’s no way he’s going to break her heart like he did mine because, if he did, all of their mutual friends will know.

    How can I move past this? How can I accept what’s happened, let go, stop obsessing, and have faith that everything will work out in the future? I’ve just lost all my faith and all my optimism. I just… I can’t deal with the thought of them being together, but I know I can’t change it either. He’s with a new girl, touching her like he used to touch me, laughing with her, enjoying her company. And here I am, I’m so miserable. I have great family and friends who have been supportive, but a lot of them live quite far away and that’s hard too. What can I do? How can I look at this whole thing in a new light? There’s just been so much change and so much new information, and I’m so knocked down.

    • This topic was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Sophie.
    • This topic was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Sophie.
    #75531
    Captivating
    Participant

    I’m so sorry to hear about your heart break. It’s a big deal to finally find a connection and then have it ripped away. As difficult as this may seem, I would recommend changing your focus. Instead of being concerned about how unfair this all is or being afraid about your prospective future and reliving your heart break every time something reminds you of it, you need to take a step back and try to remove yourself from the situation. It is vital that you take some time to acknowledge that the ties have been broken, to mourn the loss of what you had and what could have been, and to begin healing your wounds. “Having faith that everything will work out in the future” is not just an expression, it is an action word. You have to actively choose to believe that there is a plan or a destiny waiting for you. This allows you to see how each difficulty that you encounter is something to learn from and something that will guide you towards a sweeter and much better life… or relationship. We all live through heart break at one point or another, and it can be emotionally and physically devastating, but when you work through situations like these, you will always come out stronger and more aware. I just have one suggestion to caution you against, because I’ve seen so so many people do this and it is destructive and will never get you to into a happy, loving relationship. Don’t build a wall around your heart to protect yourself from ever getting hurt again, it is counterproductive because it will not only keep the jerks out, it will keep all the good guys out. I truly hope that you find healing and happiness soon!

    #75533
    Bar
    Participant

    Congrats on losing 10kg at the gym 🙂 Reading your post I can offer you some advice. The pain hurts, its real and soul crushing it seems. The solution is, take everything as it happened and accept it…in all its ugliness and nastiness. What he showed you was not love but a fleeting lust. His heart was never for you so do not hold onto the belief that him coming back into your life will make you happy again. You would be jealous, insecure and easily manipulated by this guy who trust me, isn’t a fool at how to play younger women for his own animalistic needs/wants and desires.

    You are being governed by your emotions and your mind/ego. One should try their best to master these….there in lies the secret to a happy and prosperous life. You don’t need a man or anyone in your life to give it purpose,meaning or protection. All these things are within you and once you find that, no man shall ever put you in the darkness again.

    #75563
    Sophie
    Participant

    Thank you both for your advice, and I am going to try to follow it. The truth is, I am extraordinarily hard on myself and often make things far more worse than they actually are. I managed to get some more sleep last night but still not enough, and I’m a bit out of it this morning so work will be fun today. Like you suggest, I do need to take a step back from myself and try to believe in my future. But it’s just so difficult, especially as I’m experiencing heart break as I’ve never had before. It’s so real and it’s so crushing.

    #75577
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Three songs that helped me, you already are such a strong person. kudos to you 🙂



    #75583
    Michael
    Participant

    Sophie,

    Oh man, I am really sorry that you are going through this. I kind of went through a similar experience and I have some advice on how I got over it. My girlfriend dumped me about 6 months ago….it was extremely painful especially because I had to see her every other day. Not only did I have to see her but I had to see her with her new love interest. Man, it was painful as hell and I had no choice…I had to see them.

    At this same time I just started a new career. Starting that new career was extremely scary and extremely difficult for me, physically and mentally. it was so demanding. There were times where I was paralyzed with fear of going to this new job and didn’t know if I could even do it anymore. 6 months have passed and I still have this new job. It’s still challenging for me but I know that I can do it and I’m not afraid of it anymore. After going through fear and hardship like that…hardship where you really have to dig deep to prevail your mindset changes…after climbing Mount Everest you feel like you can climb any mountain because all other mountains don’t compare.

    Once I finally got over the fear and pain from this new career choice, I realized I could conquer pretty much anything that life has thrown at me because I have climbed my Mount Everest. And after that, I was finally over my breakup.

    So my advice to you is to find something that you’re afraid of and live there. Find something that challenges you and conquer it. And it doesn’t have to be “Mount Everest” because even the best climbers have to start somewhere. And the mental strength you get from this may help you for the rest of your life.

    #75620
    Julie
    Participant

    Wow this was me in the fall. Over the summer I met a guy. He was totally different from any other guy I had been with before…I was totally comfortable around, he made me look in new ways…I loved being around him. It was like we were together for so much longer than we really were. He was a few years older and the night we said goodbye was so hard. We would be 5 hours away and busy with school and work but agreed to try and make it work. About 3 almost 4 weeks later my friend and I went to the town where he went to school to do this 5k and see him. We stayed at his house and right away I noticed how distant he was…there was nothing physical at all which was totally different from how it was over the summer. Not how you want that reunion to be at all. That Monday I texted him asking what was wrong and he said he had started talking with his ex again and that him and I would be better off as friends…I was devastated. It might have been coupled with the fact of being away at school for the first time but I started smoking weed, binge drinking, sleeping around…anything to mask how upset I was. I updated my phone and lost all my contact names but had numbers. I knew his by heart still but still sent him the text saying what happened, asking who’s number it was…no response. Cue even more devastation. Also in this time frame my best friend walked out with no explanation. So I had a lot going on. I remember one day going to bed, reflecting on the day and realizing I hadn’t thought of him all day. I eventually met a new guy (didn’t work out), stopped smoking, drinking all the time and sleeping around.

    It sucks what happened. But you aren’t the first and the last person this will happen to. Take comfort in the fact that your aren’t the first person to go through this. There is no set time limit on how long it will take to get over him…you may not ever fully be over him. You’ll always remember the things he showed you, the doors he opened up for you, how he made you feel…allow yourself to feel his loss. But you were doing just fine before him. And although it nay not seem like it, you’re still doing fine. You’ve already made it so far. You’re taking care of health, which is good. Focus on yourself, making you the best you. Eat healthy, work out, try your best, focus on the good each day brings not the bad and the rest will follow. Life isn’t supposed to be a flat journey. What fun would that be? This guy made you feel highs you’ve never felt before…but he won’t be the last. When the time is right, it will happen. I found myself on Pinterest a lot, reading all kinds of quotes. One that stood out to me in that time was “There are people who can walk away from you…let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you…Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over…”.

    A few months ago on break I randomly stopped at Target at 830pm to see if they had a headband I wanted. Almost didn’t bother going. They didn’t have what I wanted but when I was checking out I saw him there. We said hi, he gave me his number and told me to text him, which I did. I almost didn’t because I didn’t want to go down that road again. We hung out twice, nothing happened. I felt like he still had feelings but who knows. He messaged me a happy birthday after I didn’t wish him one and I would feel comfortable messaging him over the summer to meet up. The universe has a funny way of making things happen. Just focus on the fact that things will happen at the exact moment they are supposed to. In the meantime, focus on you and only for you. It seems hard now but months from now you’ll look back on this and will be shocked at how far you’ve grown from the bad place you’re at now.

    #118685
    mint16
    Participant

    Omgsh. Sophie, I am going through the SAME EXACT experience you went through a year ago and it’s so emotionally devastating. With my guy, it was a couple of months, not just one.
    I’m curious to know how you feel now about this and what made you get through it???
    Your guy sounds A LOT like my guy, Social, has many female friends etc… And he was also kinda my my first relationship. Everything you’ve said sounds like my experience. I’d love to hear from you about this now, because I feel like I’d never find someone as incredible as him because he truly was that rare and amazing.

    #123982
    Sophie
    Participant

    Hello!

    I’m so sorry for replying so late. I’m really sorry that you’ve been going through this, too. I know far too well that the pain can be unbearable.

    But trust me when I say that it CAN and it WILL get better for you because it did with me – even when everything seemed so hopeless. It just takes time (and I know that sucks too… I’m the most impatient person in the world! But it’s so true).

    After I wrote that post, I didn’t go back and look him up for well over a year. Finding out that he was seeing someone new hurt so bad, but I had to deal with it because there was nothing else I could do. I wouldn’t let it swallow me whole. So regardless of the searing pain, I kept going. I went to work, and I made an effort to talk to people and make friends with my new colleagues. I threw myself back into exercising at the gym, and decided to run a 5k with a friend in the summer of 2015 (never would have done that before!), I went on holiday on my own, and I stayed in a hostel and met some awesome new people. While the sadness was always in there somewhere, nagging at me and threatening me with loneliness and isolation, I tried my hardest to step forward through it.

    Things continued to improve in spite of the pain, which gradually lessened. I left the part-time job for a full-time job which I ended up hating, haha. I laugh about that now, because I thought this job was such a turning point in my life, just like I thought he was. It turned out to be a nightmare. I ended up quitting four months later, went on holiday (with my family this time), and then found the job I have now, which I absolutely love and would not have gotten if I hadn’t have taken the crappy job.

    Oh, and I met someone new at the start of 2016. By the end of 2015, I was ready to date again and went back online. After a series of failed dates, I went out with this one guy and kept my expectations low. I didn’t think he was my type. But then, when the date started, we just clicked, and that date ended up being even better than ANY date I had with my ex. Honestly! And only a year ago, I’d thought I’d met lost the only person that could ever make me happy. And while I’m not dating the guy I met at the beginning of the year anymore (it’s kind of complicated and I won’t get into it now), we’ve stayed in touch and he’s now one of my closest friends.

    So, you see, there is hope. It might not seem possible in the darkest days, but take it from someone who has a history of being totally and utterly hard on herself and feeling ridiculously hopeless at times (especially with relationships), it CAN get better as long as you try. The only advice I can give you is what worked for me, and that is to pour all your energy into yourself and making YOU your best self, because you are the one who matters most. Allow yourself to feel the pain and work through it, but don’t let that be all you do. Put limits on your grief. Cry about it at night, in the morning… whenever, but then make yourself get up and do something else for a few hours. Set yourself goals – is there something you’ve wanted to do for a while but have always put off? For me, it was losing weight and finding a job that I enjoy. I ticked both those boxes and now I feel more empowered and confident than ever, even without a partner. It wasn’t easy at times and I certainly had many setbacks. But always remind yourself that the darkest moments can lead you to some wonderful light, and it can move your life forward in ways that don’t always seem possible.

    I wish you all the best. 🙂

    • This reply was modified 5 years ago by Sophie. Reason: Missed a word!
    #123984
    Sophie
    Participant

    Oh, and all the advice from the lovely people here also really helped. So thank you to everyone for listening 🙂

    #123987
    Rachel
    Participant

    Wow Sophie, I have been going through some similar emotions (albeit a slightly different situation) right now and it was after reading your post and the great advice from the lovely people here that I decided to ask for help regarding my situation here as well. I have to say, all the great advice that I received here has really helped me see the light and given me the courage to try and work on my situation too.

    It makes me so happy to hear of the progress you have made and how far you have come from that point in life. It gives me hope that things will get better for me too, and that I will be able to move on from my situation as well. I am delighted that things got better for you. I am sure it must have been a lot of hard work and persistence, but congratulations! You did move past it. Good luck in the future too, and I hope I can do this too. 🙂

    #124094
    Barbara
    Participant

    So happy for you Sophie.
    Wow !!! What great progress you have made. Its very inspiring for 2017, for all those people who need to move through some tough times, out to a brighter day.
    It makes me feel like despite the dark night of the soul – as long as you keep going, doing new things and staying in your lane – it is possible. Possible to find the light at the end of the tunnel.
    Thanks Sophie !! And Im so glad that you have come so far. You are a credit to yourself ! Happy New Year !!
    Warm wishes,

    Barbara.

    • This reply was modified 5 years ago by Barbara.
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