November 1, 2014 at 9:27 am #67120ScarletParticipant
To the man who gave me life,
I write this to you today with a heavy heart, clear mind and the strength to keep moving forward with a positive outlook on life.
It was only a week and a half ago that after thirty-eight years I sincerely believed that a large hole in my soul and heart could be plugged, maybe not completely, but enough that years of anguish, pain, unknowns, disappointment, and fear could at least be put aside for good, and that I could move on with a degree of uneasy satisfaction in knowing that I have some semblance of a father in my life for the future.
Sadly, that was not to be.
Thirty-eight years. Thirty-eight years, and so hard to believe (and who would believe such a story) that the man who gave me birth and claimed to be my father, did not – could not – afford me a single contact, a single appearance, a single word of “hello”, a single birthday card, a single Christmas, a single penny, not a single sole effort. Thirty-eight years of NOTHING! from a man who gave me life, who claims to be my father.
Incredulous is the only word that comes to mind. Simply mind-boggling and unfathomable to all but the most fringed outliers who inhabit this planet.
And yet, with great trepidation I decided to go ahead and meet this man for the first time, and adventured to meet him without prejudging him and kept an open mind. My thoughts raced in a thousand directions and I was as nervous as one could be given the situation, however, I knew that something was not quite right when he called at the 11th hour to change the venue to meet his own schedule, despite him setting the time in the first place. (I should have listened to my intuition then and there and not shown up. His reasoning was a lie, and the truth is he couldn’t be bothered to take a 20 minute taxi ride to meet me as it was simply an inconvenience to him, though of course he will deny this as this is how he is.)
You see, it hurts. It hurts to grow up trying to figure out exactly what I could have possibly done wrong as a 2 year old child to drive her own father away for life, for him to deny my entire existence as a daughter. It hurts, for spending my life not knowing. Thirty-eight years later, today, it hurts even more for knowing, knowing what type of a man this ‘father’ really is. Because a week and a half ago, I really did find out.
On that fateful day I saw this man sitting before me, yet in reality I saw nothing. I saw zero guilt, zero remorse, zero empathy, zero compassion – I saw NOTHING. For thirty-eight years, I didn’t even get a simple “I’m sorry” that I so deserved, BUT what I did get was a self-absorbed soliloquy of thirty-eight years of excuses and “I am the victim!” mentality.
Seeing a man trying to defend himself like his life depends on it with reasons such as “I didn’t know if your mother would allow me to see you” (oh, and like he even tried to ask!!) was so hilarious had it not been so pathetic! How could anyone in their right state of mind would think of an excuse like this would hold any water for thirty-eight years?! Perhaps, by giving yourself an excuse like that to justify your cowardice helps you get through each day and so you are able to look at yourself in the mirror. Oh dear, I almost feel sorry for you! Wait, I do feel sorry for you, along with your wife and kids who are as equally culpable in this charade of denial.
The truth is – you ran away. You ran away from your duties and your responsibilities as a father for thirty-eight years. The truth is – you made a conscious choice to deny my existence for thirty-eight years! And don’t tell me you thought of me or you had asked people about me, because the truth is, you did NOTHING, never once – ONCE – tried to reach out to me – NOTHING.
As for your daughters, it is equally evident they learned well from you, as not one of them ever tried reaching out to me although they knew of my existence, and yet, like you they chose to deny my being as well.
The truth is, you owe me an apology. However, the real truth is, you didn’t and don’t have the guts to deliver one. And now it’s too late.
The hard truth is, one day when you leave this world to meet your own Maker (God – your conscience), then try and defend your actions to Him and let Him judge you!
As painful as it may seem, I also feel sorry. I feel sorry for this man who sat before me. I feel sorry for such a self-pitiful coward who doesn’t even have a single ounce of courage to own it up like a man, a weak pitiful pathetic soul who sees himself as a victim in life. I feel even more sorry for his three daughters for having a father figure like him in their lives, and I thank God that I never had one – never had, never will, never needed. But they will no doubt defend this “good man”, but unbeknownst to them is what he is truly all about – himself.
You see, as your last words to me were “I never missed you”, said everything about you in one short succinct sentence.
And yet, I missed you.
As hard as it may seem to be, I have a soul, I have a heart, and I have feelings. Evidently, you didn’t give one damn about any of that.
However, today, I’m thankful. Thank you for helping me realise what kind of person I don’t want to be, and thank you for letting me know that what type of person I don’t want to have in my life, not even as a ‘friend’ (and that request was the ultimate utter insult and slap in the face). I am now more grateful and appreciate the people in my life who love and value me – especially my mother, as she is everything you are not, and God made a right choice by handling me to her and not you.
Thank you for being you for me to see. It was everything I needed to witness in order to bring a sense of closure to this unfortunate and very long, and sad chapter in my life. Now I can move forward with the knowledge and hope that there are good things in my life, and many more to discover.
I am strong and will remain so. You are weak and will always be.
You will not be missed, but my soul and heart will always have a hole.November 1, 2014 at 1:45 pm #67125BarbaraParticipant
My heart truly goes out to you.
What a journey, and what a hard thing to have to accept and try to come to terms with.
Please know – as you seem to have come to see and accept – that none of this mans actions are about you. They merely show that in some way he is unable to empathise and to connect with a loving and honest part of himself. He simply cannot. And this is what is very sad. The beautiful way you wrote about your pain, is testament that, unlike him, thankfully your heart was open and abundant, ready to love and be loved. And that fire in you, that place of beauty, cannot be extinguished by the lack of light inside him. It is so very sad that he could have you in his life, and yet he has not got what it takes to take on that responsibility, take on that role as father. Its so very sad, that he couldnt then, and he cant now. However – your strength will remain. You are loved, you are important and you are of supreme value in this world.
Please stay strong. You have done your part, you have tried your best to reach him. But alas it is not to be dear sister. You did all you possibly could – and for that, you must be proud.
Its frustrating, hurtful, painful, rejecting, and difficult. So please look after your inner light. Meditate – my favourite is Ajhan Brahm – his talks saved me from dark moments and his witty way of delivering talks help to lighten even the heaviest load. Please treat yourself like the beauty you are – be kind, to yourself. Eat well, and reach out to the people who love you. Your mother sounds like an amazing person, and the blessing of her love will no doubt be such a help.The wonderful Matt, on this website is a solace also and Im sure he will have works of wisdom and a perspective on the element of how to move through this suffering. I also have been looking at Heather Ash Amara – an amazing woman, on u tube, and her new book ‘Warrior Goddess’ has lots about how to ‘reframe’ our story, so as to move through difficulties past and present.
There is nothing to do but accept – as horribly excruciating as it is – that this man is just not equipt to be the man he could be. He dosent want to, at this time, be that man.
I have the utmost respect for you.
You have been through a lot.
Be gentle with yourself. You are amazing.
Barbara. xxxx 🙂November 2, 2014 at 4:43 am #67134ScarletParticipant
Thank you so much Barbara,
What a beautiful words! As painful as it may seem at this point in time, but I believe in time, this too shall pass.
They said, time heals everything. Yes it heals the wound but it doesn’t take away the scar. I guess I just gotta get use to this scar and make it part of me and wear it with much grace and strength.
Well, I did send those exact words to this man and got a response from his wife (of course, he’s just too coward to response) just right before your reply came in. And here’s part of her silly comments –
“…I m not trying to put you down but i m trying to tell you that you are too proud and arrogant and disrespectful. How far can you go in society with such attitude. I m sure your mum did a great job in bringing you up but have not told you that you are not living in a world of your own.
If you discover revelation in what i said. I am opened to “matured” discussion and not childish,emotional, heartless confrontation. I will not entertain bcos i only deal with LEADERS.”
Anyway, I rest my case.
Once again, I thank you with all my heart for your kind words and support, it came in right in time to give me that boost and now I believe that in time I’ll be just fine 😉 And I will check out your recommendations.
Wishing you all the best.