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Can't get his words out of my head

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  • #135395
    EAHL
    Participant

    A few weeks ago my boyfriend of 5 months broke up with me. I was devastated, especially because the few weeks prior to the breakup it had finally started feeling like we were clicking and getting serious. I had met his mom 10 days before! Now I can’t stop thinking about him and I have a great deal of anxiety around the breakup. I want him back so badly and I want a second chance to make things work.

    What’s killing me is the words he used when he broke up with me. The two worst quotes are: “I’m 32 and want to get married soon, so I’m wasting my time with you.” and “I’m just not excited by this and I feel like I should be excited.”

    Now I feel like there is something inherently wrong with me. Why couldn’t he see me as wife-material? What about me isn’t exciting? I feel like through the relationship I was the one making the plans, getting us out and socializing with other people, cooking for him, comforting him, etc. He contributed very little to the relationship, but I excused it because he has a good deal of stress with work and also applying to graduate programs. For him to turn around and say that I was the problem? I just couldn’t – and still can’t – believe it.

    How do I get his voice out of my head? How do I stop believing his words? How do I stop wanting him back?

    #135397
    Barbara
    Participant

    “He contributed very little to the relationship”
    Well you said it !!! You are not flawed. You are absolutely fine and enough in every way. He simply did not feel it was right for him – and therefore you had a lucky escape in a way !
    He also sounds a bit cruel in the way he delivered the message. “Wasting my time with you ” ?? Eh… really ? Well I think you could get out with friends, do all the things that you deserve – get a massage, get your hair done, treat yourself soooo well.
    Then cry, sit with the discomfort and the saddness when it comes. Breathe and after it softens – let it go… and repeat ! Keep feeling it and letting it go. Plan nice things for you. You will be ok, and u will have lots of joy ahead.
    Sending healing. Xxxx

    #135421
    EAHL
    Participant

    Thank you, Barbara. Yes I agree he was cruel. There is something to be said for honesty, sure, but he was a bit too honest. I guess I just don’t understand WHY he didn’t want to invest in the relationship, and he couldn’t give me an answer either. He just said he didn’t want to marry me and that wasn’t going to change.

    Thank you for the advice and good wishes. I know I need to just experience the emotions, but it’s been 3 weeks of being barely able to breathe and it’s just too much.

    #135481
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zobyt07:

    What happened? Here is what may have happened: “the few weeks prior to the breakup… we were clicking and getting serious”, so he introduced you to his mother and his mother disapproved, didn’t give him the thumb up.

    He said: “I’m 32 and want to get married soon, so I’m wasting my time with you”- that could have meant: my mother said you are not a go and I am wasting my time with you.

    and he said: “I’m just not excited by this and I feel like I should be excited.”- that could have meant: I need my mother to approve of me and my choices. I feel dead inside when she disapproves of me. Getting her approval excites me and she didn’t approve of you.

    IF this is close to what happened then his mother determined you are not wife material for his son based on one very short visit. Your conclusion that what he said is evidence that “there is something inherently wrong with (you)” would be incorrect. His mother disapproval during short visit can not possibly be reliable/

    What do you know about his relationship with his mother (if you care to get into that)?

    anita

    #135901
    EAHL
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your response and reassurance that there’s nothing wrong with me. I did consider this as a possibility, though he does not have a very close relationship with his mother so it would surprise me very much if he broke up with me based on her assessment (when we spoke about her he would call her “crazy” and once said if she wasn’t his mom he wouldn’t want to know her). I also thought the dinner with his mom went very well – I didn’t get the impression that she didn’t like me or didn’t approve of me. In fact I thought she liked me very much, which may have scared my ex, or made him realize that he didn’t want me getting close to his family once he saw it happening.

    I think I need to come to terms with the fact that I will never know for sure what went wrong. Maybe I just wasn’t what he was looking for… not pretty enough or a good enough home maker or not ambitious enough. I just don’t know. My worry now is that this will keep happening. How can I fix what’s wrong with me?

    #135923
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zobyt07:

    Reads to me that your ex boyfriend’s dislike of his mother is intense. It means his relationship with her has been disturbing and distressing to him, probably since childhood. Maybe he projected her into you, got angry at you and lashed out at you with his offensive declaration that he is wasting his time with you. Maybe he is not capable of having a heathy relationship with a woman.

    In your original post, you wrote: “there is something inherently wrong with me.” In your last post you asked: “How can I fix what’s wrong with me?”

    This core belief, that there is something inherently wrong with you has been in existence before you met this man . It has its origin in your childhood, doesn’t it? How did this belief come about?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by anita.
    #135959
    EAHL
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, that’s also possible. He does not speak very highly of many people in his family – he is actively trying to break up his sister’s engagement to a man he doesn’t think is good enough, and he’s called his brother some unkind names as well. He is generally very judgmental.

    Yes, I’ve always felt there’s something wrong with me. This is not the first relationship that has left me feeling devastated. I often felt unwanted as a child, like I was just in the way or being annoying. I did not have many friends through high school, as my childhood friends started drifting away from me. Even now friendships are often tumultuous and I am cautious not to get too close to people so I don’t scare them off.

    When I’m dating a man I’m attracted to it numbs the bad feelings for a bit – I feel momentarily wanted and approved of. Then when he inevitably leaves all those feelings get compounded and it’s so much worse. It’s like a confirmation of everything bad I feel about myself. I don’t believe that anyone would ever want me as a partner, so when this most recent ex told me explicitly he never considered marriage then it was just proof – hard evidence that my beliefs are right.

    Thank you for the insight and prompting questions. I’ve talked through some of these issues before but it helps to be reminded of where they stem from.

    #135987
    anita
    Participant

    Dear zobyt07:

    Children’s perceptions are very accurate because they don’t have pre-existing experience to color their perception. What they feel is … what really is happening.

    You wrote: “I often felt unwanted as a child, like I was just in the way or being annoying.”
    As a child, you “felt unwanted” because people really didn’t want to see you or hear what you have to say or know what you feel.
    You felt “in the way” because people told you and showed you that you were in their way.
    And you felt “annoying” because people really were annoyed with you.

    Who were these people?

    anita

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