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I gave up on the noncommittal man who was my soulmate. Was I wrong?

HomeForumsRelationshipsI gave up on the noncommittal man who was my soulmate. Was I wrong?

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  • #125841
    Jade
    Participant

    It’s been almost 5 years since we’ve met and he stole my heart. It took him a year after we met to commit to making me his gf, which only lasted 7 months before he was caught cheating and called things off because he wasn’t “ready.” We are 2 years apart in age (currently he’s 26 and I’m 28). We came back together after he begged me to forgive him and swore he was ready, which lasted 5 months before he was caught cheating again and I called things off because he admitted he still wasn’t ready.

    That was now 2.5 years ago, and since then we have gone from radio silence to hooking up, Spending holidays with each other’s families, spending birthdays and New Year’s Eves together…yet, he still won’t commit 100%. The chemistry we have is undoubtable. We are best of friends, talking all day when we are speaking to each other. But given we’ve lived on two separate coasts these 5 years, his age, his playboy status, our pursuits as new attorneys…he know longer talks about marrying me,kids with me, or a future with me (the prospects of bf, engaged, etc.). Today, I vowed to just stop all contact. I didn’t tell him, but given my age, that for us to be together I’d have to relocate (which he hasn’t asked), and my desire to get married and be a couple for a few years befor having kids, I felt it best to move on. Finally. I’ve dated people only in the last year but none of them have had the chemistry or friendship my ex and I have. I feel like, the fact I don’t even know what it’s like to have all of him (without him cheating or even in the same city) that waiting on him any longer than these 5 years would be an injustice to myself at almost 30. But why do I feel like I’ve made the wrong choice? Have I?

    #125842
    Jade
    Participant

    *no longer talks about (excuse error)

    #125851
    Jupiter
    Participant

    Of course you are not wrong, he wants different things and you must find the strength to honor that. If he was cheating and you needed to find out (rather than him being honest about it) then you really don’t know him at all. He can’t be your soul-mate if he’s that dishonest. He’s an actor playing the role of the amazingly confident person that you think he is. Inside, he is not strong if he can’t be honest – he isn’t even honest with himself. Find yourself and fill up on what makes you whole. You are so young! Not that I have it figured out at my age, but there are basic, fundamental aspects of a relationship that you are missing in this person. Therefore, you aren’t really losing what you think you are losing. Does that make sense?

    #125863
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear royal:

    It reads to me that you are doing the reasonable thing by moving on, that your thinking is correct: clearly, to move this relationship forward, one of you would have to relocate and the two of you will need to live together as a monogamous couple. He is not ready- was not ready five years ago, four years ago… a year ago, and currently.

    Why don’t you let him know of your thinking, to truly move on, for the reason above, and give him this one last chance to express himself… and then move on.

    You wrote: “But why do I feel like I’ve made the wrong choice? Have I?”- believing our emotions is due to “emotional reasoning”- because something feels a certain way, we believe it is so. For example: taking a placebo, a pill be FEEL will help us, often does (temporarily). Then in relationships: people with clearly abusive partners, most horrible abuse stories, still FEEL love and keep going back to abuse, because it FEELS like love.

    Emotional-reasoning is a category of distorted-thinking. I learned about it in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

    anita

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