I want to start by thanking TinyBuddha for contributing to my sanity when I was going through very tough times, I’ve been reading some articles everyday for over a year now, and decided to go further and write here… Well right now I’m in a much better place than I’ve been a year ago, but still feel that I need some insight and help from you guys.

It goes way back but things started to fall apart when I fell in love with an emotionally and situation-wise unavailable guy (crazy in love like never before, believing he is “the one”) and somehow his feelings were the same, but we weren’t able to have a relationship at that time and when it got too painful, I took a very hard decision (it took 6 months to convince myself) to cut off any contact with him. After a while of suffering, I managed to keep away from him and never talked to him ever since (it’s been 2 years). Now another story is that 1 month after I cut off contact, I started talking to a guy from my past, in the past nothing happened past flirting but we always kept in touch somehow, and always enjoyed each other’s company. I knew I didn’t give myself time to heal and jumped into a relationship with him. Long story short, I hid some truth from him and lied to him (at the beginning, about previous relationships) and when he found out I tried to cover up to leave things behind and move on (stupid move at that time) and we had huge, unimaginable fights, which then became the “normal” part of our relationship (for information: it’s a long-distance relationship). I felt so guilty and ashamed that I lost all my self-respect, self-confidence and personality, and became this apologizing, crying, crazy woman. I let him call me names, swear and shout at me, point out all my mistakes all the time and blame me for not doing anything right, ever. He started to become extremely abusive and I started having panic attacks, I became extremely irritable and refused to get out of the house and sometimes my bed. I lost contact with some of my friends (I didn’t actually meet any of them at that time) because he lost his trust in me and everytime I went out (even just for grocery shopping) he would start a fight and start yelling at me. He went as far as threatening me and blackmailing me, and out of fear even when I was on the edge of breaking down, I never found the courage to leave. For 1 whole year (and maybe even more) I don’t remember a day I felt peaceful, I felt safe or I didn’t cry. I went to therapy, practiced yoga, mindfulness, breathwork; forced myself to exercise and read countless self-help and spirituality books. Today I’m sane and alive because of those practices, and now that the storm has (seemingly) passed, I feel calmer and better but still not safe. We don’t fight as much now, and bit by bit I started to stand up for myself, but still we are in this confusing relationship. I don’t know what to do (maybe I do but I still don’t have the courage to change anything), I cannot act or even think as my true self anymore, I don’t do what I love doing (like travelling- because it will cause more fights and I dont want to fight anymore), I feel trapped, not knowing what to do or how to move on with my life. I have some dreams but I feel so angry at myself that I let myself in this situation and cannot get out, I feel like I lost my precious time and will never be able to make those dreams come true. I think I mostly forgave myself and him about everything, but there is still something that holds me back and I cannot figure out what it is. (Now that the other guy actually tried to contact me but I refused to answer and it left me even more confused and sad). I feel stuck and scared that I will be stuck here forever…

I will appreciate your insight. With lots of love,
Tatiana