Hi Nicole,

I feel for the situation you’re in I really do, it sounds like you are in alot of pain. I’m no writer, blogger or anything about such issues, just a person that has been through very similar situations as you. I was in a very long term relationship with an alcoholic and on the numerous occasions that we split up, I found the lonliness and being alone unbearable. Thankfully I did gain the courage to end that relationship once and for all. You are able to admit that it’s a blessing that your relationship is over and that is a good strong place to begin your recovery from.

My advice would be to be gentle on yourself, you say youre ‘reeling, ruminating, hopeless’ well just sit with those feelings and tell yourself it’s ok to feel like that for today. Please remember that how you feel changes ALL the time and the proof of that is that you are able to remember times that you felt ‘strong, capable, independent’ Those things will return, please have faith in yourself and the natural power of healing. During difficult times, my meditation practice is key to accepting what I am going through, I would recommend that you keep gently trying with the meditation and eventually it will become easier. I am going through a tough time myself at the moment, trying to deal with another bout of depression, but I’m working on acceptance, acceptance, acceptance.

Remember, one day, hopefully very soon you will again be that strong happy person you once were.

I second what other commenters have said. I also have just left a relationship. It wasn’t abusive per se, but he didn’t treat me the way I deserved and it’s been excruciating to walk away, even knowing there’s a better match for me out there.

Right now, you’re in grief and probably fairly traumatized. It’s OK to feel totally overwhelmed. At this stage, I think it’s OK to distract yourself and take some time away from as many responsibilities as you can. I’ve taken days off of work, spent days watching TV, etc. You don’t want to do this for very long, but I think it’s OK to let yourself numb yourself sometimes. We can only handle so much emotional pain, IMO, and it can be a kindness to allow ourselves some escape as long as they aren’t too damaging in the long term.

I wouldn’t try to forgive your ex right now, either. Your anger is natural and healthy and you SHOULD feel angry at being treated badly. You’re probably feeling a lot of the anger you suppressed during your relationship. If there’s a way you can channel the anger but still feel it, do that. I’ve heard people suggest taking kickboxing classes or using a punching bag a the gym to move the physical energy of anger out of the body. Or punch a pillow or go into your car or basement and scream and yell.

I don’t think you need to worry about feeling angry. It’s part of the process. And women are so often told we shouldn’t feel or express anger, which I think is a mistake.

Do what you can, and let go of feelings that you ‘aren’t doing enough’. I also got off track in regards to eating well, exercising, etc, and I often beat myself up because I wasn’t doing better. But I finally gave up beating myself up and just gave myself permission to do the best that I could. Walk for 5 minutes and let that be enough. Eat a salad from a grocery store and let that be enough. Eat some junk food and let go of guilt. Do one or two practical things a day that are important to get done, and let that be enough.

I had all this stuff I couldn’t do because I felt so demoralized, and finally, I asked friends to help me. So next weekend my friends are coming over to help me clean up my backyard that I totally let go to weeds because I was so sad, and my parents are paying for me to hire a housecleaner because I still feel so bad I can’t make myself clean the house.

Ruminating can be dangerous, but again: forgive yourself and only do what you can. I noticed that in the mornings, I woke up being upset and lonely and missing my ex. So I started to chant “I love myself” or my mantra: “I am living a life of abundance and deep love” when I noticed myself starting to ruminate or have an internal dialogue about the relationship, how crappy my ex was, how much I miss him, etc. It has definitely helped interrupt my ruminative cycles, not that I’m perfect at it or catch it every time.

But give yourself permission to take small steps. You don’t have to be functional or forgiving right now. This is a huge transition, especially considering there was abuse.

I’m really glad you have counselors, and I hope you give yourself permission to process the ending of the relationship as well as to explore what you want your life to look like going forward.

I sometimes feel like I “shouldn’t” talk about my ex anymore or process the relationship anymore, because it was so obviously bad for me, and it’s been two months since I ended it. But it still hurts, so I try to give myself permission to speak about it to close friends and my therapist, without feeling like I “should” be more over it than I am.

I think the main thing is to let yourself feel what you feel and cope as well as you can, and to be kind and gentle with yourself.

Good luck to you! Big hugs.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Rose Tattoo.