fbpx
Menu

Setting Emotional Boundaries

Home→Forums→Relationships→Setting Emotional Boundaries

New Reply
  • This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • April 28, 2016 at 12:40 pm #103042
    CottageRose
    Participant

    Hi. this is new to me and my first post- so go easy on me.

    I have been in counseling for about 6 months, not making any progress so recently changed to a new counselor to get some help on a very important life decision that couldn’t wait. I think it went pretty well and she talked about setting emotional boundaries with people in sessions to come.

    I tend to be constantly taken advantage of and have the very worst of people around me it seems- not all but most, user (takers I mean) I end up hurt always and am now to the point where I truly sit back and “wait” for it to happen (yes i know, all bad attitude and stuff)

    Is anyone familiar with this concept- I started googling it and found this site and decided to join. Does anyone have any experiences or websites articles etc to share on the topic of “emotional boundaries”. We are going to talk about it more in future sessions. but I thought I would see what others have experienced on this- Thanks-

    April 28, 2016 at 3:19 pm #103059
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear cottagerose:

    There are plenty of articles on this very website, if you click “HOME”- many articles organized by categories. There are also lots of online resources and library books on ASSERTIVENESS, which is about setting boundaries. It is a very major issue in psychotherapy/ healing.

    Assertiveness/ setting boundaries should be taught in childhood, in the home of origin, but is often not taught and often enough the parent or parents do not model such behavior, so the child has no way to learn. Sometimes the child is taught to deny herself so to please the parent, and so, the child is taught to not set boundaries, to give up self interest so to gain that desperately sought after approval of the parent.

    Saying “No” is one way to set a boundary. It requires you to tolerate the discomfort in saying no. Using words so let another know what you need is a skill that you can learn and practice. I am glad your counselor is going to start with this necessary skill.

    Please do post anytime.

    anita

    April 29, 2016 at 6:03 am #103094
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi cottagerose,

    Sad but true, it is best to test new friendships and relationships early ~ by saying “No”.

    The first/second time someone asks you to do something for them, say “No.” (nicely, of course)

    They will be taken aback, perhaps. At best, they will have a new respect for you. At worst, they will test and push your boundaries. Take note of this!

    These little “No’s” will strengthen you and will become established in your aura. (Much like those who take self-defense classes seldom get attacked).

    Nature abhors a vacuum, and soon you’ll see only quality people will fill in and remain in the gaps.

    A good book on all this is called “Boundaries”. You can find it in any bookstore. (It has many spin offs: Boundaries in Relationships, Boundaries in Marriage, etc.)

    Best,

    Inky

    April 29, 2016 at 6:31 am #103095
    CottageRose
    Participant

    Thank you so much everyone… what a nice forum.

    I remember the power of saying NO when I went through my first divorce- I had no choice, I just couldn’t do all the things i used to do, financially and emotionally i didnt have the time…. it was very empowering to finally be able to turn things down and say NO.

    I am the middle child, always trying to be a people pleaser and mediator, over achieving at everything i did, to try to get some acknowledgement. And my parents are really good people, they still don’t know, they have no clue… and to them, in their mind/way- they love me I guess as much as they can….. every day they treat me, very un-intentionally like I don’t matter- my other siblings always take priority (that does sound childish, I know but I could list 100’s of examples). And now my parents are too old and I try to just understand why…..

    I always said if I ever had children I would only have one. I would never have children and possibly love one more than another. I still TRY to get my parents approval even to this day as a woman in my 50’s.

    I have the possibility of a new friendship now, but I am also paying the person to work for me- so i guess that will further complicate things… but I am trying to be super aware of my emotional boundaries in this.

    thanks! CottageRose

    April 29, 2016 at 8:20 am #103111
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear CottageRose:

    You are welcome. It is very common for a neglected child, a child unattended to, ignored to keep looking for the attention, the loving attention of the parents way after childhood is officially over. Often enough into old age. Not only that, but it is common to look for that same kind of attention from anyone. The way you tried to get that attention from your parents, is the same way you try to get it from others, is it not?

    You still try to get their attention, their okay for you being who you are, by mattering to them, that is by saying yes, yes, yes, I will do anything you want, so please approve of me, please make me feel I am okay, that I am acceptable enough to start living my life the way I want.

    It would be good for you to acknowledge and process in therapy the deep hurt you understandably felt throughout your childhood and onward, the hurt and pain of not mattering. I know that pain and it is excruciating.

    Please post again anytime with your thoughts, feelings and overtime, your progress.

    anita

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.