dear Ecotone”

Welcome back! i did the online dating and it is a different ball game than traditional dating. Suddenly for the average girl in a small town it is not the possibility of the grocer’s son maybe liking her and she is all excited about the yearly town fair where she will dress up and meet him over the traditional farmers end of season dance or the like. I was that town girl but once online (2009) I became hot commodity. I suddenly, out of the blue, had dozens of possibilities, dozen men contacting me per day or per week- dizzying. Refreshing. So the thinking goes: I have a dozen per week to choose from, that is 50 per month, work to do! So I arranged for dates, mostly coffee dates, one after the other- lots of men to check out, lots of men to check me out! This is mass dating, really.

A few of the men took offense that I arranged to meet someone else after meeting them. But why should I have stopped looking after just one date with one man (in the middle of the day, usually Sat or Sun)… why? There are more. I figured I wanted to learn about the men I met and it takes time. No physical contact only learning who the men are, and that takes more than one date, or one meeting. Get to know them without physical intimacy.

I married man number 94, I think. I met him many times and kept meeting others. Eventually I moved in with him (no more dating some time before that) and married him. I think this very computer on which I am typing now was the one where he first contacted me (Plenty of Fish is the site)-

What do you think about my online dating story (I met way more than a hundred men through Match.com and Plentyoffish. Do you think I am a bad person for … not making just ONE date and spending all the time it would have required with that one man?

What if you applied my online dating philosophy? Coffee dates (not much of an expense) in the middle of the day (no dim light to confuse or make anyone look better than they do in the full light) and no physical intimacy (again, so not to get confused)- and just get to know the person with an objective, non confused mind???

anita

Dear Ecotone:

I am wondering if my online dating in 2009-2010 was all that ethical, maybe not. I am willing to look into it. I felt noticeably uncomfortable as I pondered it earlier this morning, quite defensive in my mental conversation with you (that is the conversation I had with you in my mind, not here) and ready to be attacked and to attack back. If there is something for me to learn about me, about my ethics, to learn from you here, it will probably be if you do not attack me (my fear) but give me your honest input so I can evaluate it myself.

At the time I was not well. But was doing better so I was ready for social interactions. I didn’t believe it could happen, a relationship for me. I was definitely not in the mental state to risk being rejected so I avoided the possibility by meeting as many men as possible. I enjoyed the interactions without expectations- plus i was busy making new dates so I didn’t follow men not contacting me for a second date. Most men did not contact me for a second date. I didn’t care because I didn’t like most and was on my way to the next date and the next. If I was into one man I would be so engaged in my fears I wouldn’t be able to be objective enough to get to know the man. Having no expectations, I was able to LISTEN to what each man said, to evaluate. I was able to get the experience of objectively getting to know people, men in this case. I counted 124 men that I met though the two websited- no sarcasm here, this is the number I remember. I got a kick out of the number, I think. I very much enjoyed the dates, making them, attending. It is the most active social life I ever had.

I am quite pessimistic about how many men (or women, on your side, as the man dating) there are out there that are reliable, honest, open etc. So I figured the number game makes sense. If I meet 100 men i may have a chance to meet several good men, maybe only one. And so it was.

I would like to read any thoughts you may have about my attitude then, my rational, how it may have been seen by any man, let’s say if one of them was you, knowing I was to meet another man in an hour or two after you (I was open about it!) Some men responded negatively to it. I assume you would have too. I thought at the time it was right of me to do so.

If you have thoughts about doing the dating thing yourself differently, with a different attitude, how would that be?

Some of my attitudes and behaviors then were probably wrong and some were probably right and wise. It is about discerning, maybe. Open to your honest input, your experience.

anita

Dear Ecotone:

I thought about this post and I am wondering if there is an opportunity here for you- and for me- to learn something. I need your help in this pursuit. You wrote above: “I’ve been reading your post a few times and I’m trying to figure out if you are giving me sarcasm or not. I know what POF and match are about… I think you mean well Anita.”

Can you look at the post above where you typed this? And maybe my post to which you referred to in this quote- and share with me the best you can, with all sincerity and truth you can apply- what you meant by what you wrote in the quote: what were your thoughts and feelings? Why did you think I was sarcastic? What does sarcasm in this context means to you? How did you feel about my post to which you reacted? What do you feel about me having met so many men, as many as I could fit into my schedule?

And when you wrote that you think I mean well, what do you mean by that? Were you comlimenting my intention but suggesting my execution of my good intention was less than satisfactory?

Again, my interest is to explore an opportunity I see for you to learn something that can help you, and for me to learn as well.

anita

First of all, you have to realize that there are like 20 guys per 1 good looking female on these online dating sites. My ex, who was a very beautiful woman, has told me once that she’d get close to 20 emails a day from men on Match, most of which had no idea how to approach a woman even via email message. Regardless, that’s a lot of options and men are basically getting, well, played. Women use this to their benefit. A lot of women are on online dating sites for attention more so than a relationship.

Secondly, online dating is a joke. It’s naturally superficial and approaches relationships from a bad angle. The fact that you keep running into women who are egotistical and self-centered, like the one you mentioned in your previous post, should be enough of an indication to run the hell away from it. I’m sure it has worked out for some, but for the majority have similar experience to what you’re describing. My online dating experience started and concluded with a woman who sounded great until the date night when she started telling me how all of her friends are married and she has nobody to smock pot with. I immediately closed my account and never went back to that hell hole lol. A lot of people dating online are there for a reason.

I personally think that dating online is like forcing yourself to eat something you don’t like. You can’t force a relationship to happen. Stop worrying about it. Focus on yourself. Do something you like doing with your friends and your kids. I’ve always found that love comes at the most unexpected times and rarely does when you’re actively looking for it.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by TriangleSun.