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Confronted my wife tonight

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  • March 24, 2016 at 9:45 pm #100057
    Jeff
    Participant

    Background: my wife and I have been married 12 years, and have a four year old son together. I’d describe the marriage as quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago. Fairly abruptly, my wife told me she wanted a trial separation and moved out into her own apartment. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account).

    For the last few weeks, I’ve been sitting on this evidence, but tonight I finally confronted her, literally just a couple of hours ago. I didn’t even have to show her the evidence. As soon as I told her, she didn’t deny it, and soon acknowledged it. I told her how the affair made me feel- angry, betrayed, sad. She even apologized, and sounded sincere. I also told
    her that I felt there was no possible path forward for us- that divorce was the only option. Not that she showed any real interest in reconciliation anyway.

    Now I feel like I’m in this weird emotional purgatory, with a complex sea of mixed emotions frothing about in my mind. Anger for her betrayal, lies, and coverup. Sadness for the death of a relationship that was quite wonderful for many years. Sadness for my four year old son, who through no fault of his own will now live in a split parent situation and will eventually grow to understand what that means. Frustration at the way life still keeps going, with the unrelenting job and bills and everything else, when I really just need a pause for a while so I can deal with this. Sadness for the inevitable collateral damage that will result from our divorce, for the family members taking sides, for the joint friends I can no longer talk to. And perhaps the most surprising feeling of all- elation, mixed with relief. This is the first time in my life that I’ve lived alone, and it’s a little… exhilarating. There is a certain freedom there that I haven’t felt for a very long time…

    Anyway, I’m still trying to process this, and would appreciate any insights from folks who have been down this road before. Thanks for listening.

    March 24, 2016 at 10:08 pm #100058
    Gracy
    Participant

    Hi Jeff. I had two children with my loyal husband, ages 2 and the other 2 months old at the time. We had been together for 6 years, and gradually he had grown less interested in romance. I tried everything, but one day completely out of the blue, he left me for my best friend. Just up and moved. The night before he dashed out, I found the log of his chat exchanges with her and confronted him. He turned so pale, looking like he honestly thought I’d never find out at all. They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy.

    I was trying for medical school, and my grades were pristine. Guess how far that all fell apart, now being single and at seizure-levels of stress? “Emotional purgatory” and indeed more complex and torturous than can be placed into words. I’d gone to the extremes of thinking about stepping out the back door of life, missing the two people that mattered most, but God will never give you more than you can handle. Always a way out.

    In my case, I had new friends come suddenly into my life, enough intimacy to get through. I had to realize WHY he wanted out and forgive him to move on. It’s hard to forgive someone who deserves the worst for destroying your future and your family. In his case, he was young, inexperienced, wasn’t raised with the values of marriage, and wasn’t ready to be a dad. He bolted. He wanted change, but instead of fixing the problems, he tried the “easy way out.” It was against my religion, but I had no choice.

    Moving On:
    *Embrace the Initial Pros: Sad because one side of the bed is empty? Sleep in the #%(^ing middle. Your bed now. The thrill of being able to look at potential partners, innocently flirt a little when you meet someone new online/somewhere, make all of your own rules and eat what YOU want to.

    *Focus on rebuilding connections ASAP. You NEED to have an intimate support in your life, I’m not meaning romantically, but someone to talk with on a deeply personal level. Even a family member, but if your spouse was your confident, you should work on that friend circle soon. Making a habit of going out of the house regularly will help tremendously with depression. Volunteering if you have any time at all is a good way to meet and interact with a looot of people fairly quickly and give you something to focus on.

    *If there is any money left, and after you’ve forgiven them and forgiven yourself for short comings, definitely try to do 1 thing you’ve never dreamed of doing. I traveled to a random country and got off the plane realizing it was a Muslim country. I learned a language and met some of the coolest friends. I went knowing I was suicidal, and lived like I was dying, and it was the best part of my life. Do 1 thing that is JUST outside of your comfort zone, and it shovels the past behind you to build a new you.

    *You are continuous and undying. Yes, bills, parenting, and life goes on. Isn’t that the sh*t? But damn if you can’t make your own meaning out of it. It hurts now, to be forced to fill the separation and see more than a bland life thrown at you without choice, but YOU can fill that hole with something new. It can start with your attitude and habits toward mudane chores, and grow into appreciation for the littlest of life’s pleasures.

    *Love. Your son, any pets, and yourself. Build on yourself, learn all you can, and eventually you will love again when you are ready. It is an opportunity.

    If you have no one and just want to vent, please send me a message and I will listen to all you want to say on skype.

    March 24, 2016 at 10:33 pm #100060
    El
    Participant

    I have been in a similar situation like this before.

    What you’re going through, is called the dreaded grief cycle. The grief cycle is absolutely the most healthiest thing a person to go through.

    What you will be going through is denial, bargaining, depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc. Until you finally hit acceptance.

    The great part about this is, you’re already moving through all the steps. Each day with be different. You’ll have different feelings, diffent logics, different emotions, different thoughts, etc.

    The thing is, you WILL get through this. What she is doing is her problem, not yours. She is being undeniably selfish towards you and your son. You have every right to feel the way you do.

    Going through this will only be a step closer to acceptance. Acceptance is the best thing that will ever happen to you. Obviously, she has her own demons to battle. At this point, don’t focus on rekindling the relationship. Your son deserves to be in a positive environment. Do not fight around him or anything. Sometimes separtion is what’s best for the child.

    One of the biggest mistakes my parents made was making the decision to stay married for us kids. It made things a lot worse in life. Recovery took a long time, but now we are getting better.

    Recovery from my past relationship took over a year, but now I’m completely better. I work through things and my coping skills are excellent. I’ve accepted things and I’ve moved on completely.

    You will get through this. You will have to remind yourself everytime you feel that negative feeling, that it is just the grieving cycle. That it is normal. You will get through this.

    This is just a new beginning. It is scary, but it is so worth it. I promise.

    March 25, 2016 at 12:04 am #100063
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    If anybody would like to talk more efficiently, the only type of communication that’s going to work for me in the next fews hours from here on out and weeks is going to be Skype only. My username is signalhill84

    Thank you everyone for your patience and understanding in this matter.

    M.

    March 25, 2016 at 4:06 am #100069
    Matty
    Participant

    Hi Jeff,

    I remember commenting on your original post a while ago. I’m so sorry to hear things ended up this way. Once again, i have never been in your position before, so i’m coming from the outside here. But i hope i can be of some assistance.

    I think, the storm has passed. It seemed before that you were a boat of the rough seas, shoveling water out from the boat as more spilled aboard. A dreaded sinking feeling comes over you, is this the end? As @El and @happythoughts have stated, when one door closes, another opens. The storm has passed, the boat is in tatters but still serviceable, it’s time to make port and see what can be done. Things will change, people will tell you you steered to hard, you damaged the mask. But all of this is in hindsight, no one could of predicted this storm.Old hands will retire from their service with you, while new ones will enlist. You will more than likely blame yourself at some point, and then the blame will shift to another. But a ship is not built to last, it it built to endure. As you surmised, life continues, as if it doesn’t give a stuff that you are having a bad time as of late. But that, in of itself is helpful. The world is still spinning. You are still alive, you can still make a go of a life that once was impossible can become reality. This doesn’t tarnish who you are or what you can become.

    Your identity and who you are has changed. You are no longer a husband, but an ex. But you are still a father. And i would assume a great many of things as well. You can still be the role model your son deserves, you can still be the person you have always been and more. The most important thing to remember; is every new day you are rebuilding and retooling your ship. Readying it for sail again. The sea calls to you again. This is not the last voyage you will take.

    Best of luck Jeff,
    Sincerely,
    Matty

    March 25, 2016 at 9:09 am #100077
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jeff:

    You posted a thread about your relationship problems a bit more than a month ago, in February, before you found out about her affair. Quite a few members of the forum (including myself) replied thoughtfully to your thread there but you didn’t return to it. I wonder if you read the replies there. And why you didn’t post there following the replies…?

    If you are reading this here, can you let me know? I would like to communicate with you further!

    anita

    March 27, 2016 at 9:04 pm #100215
    Jeff
    Participant

    The day after I confronted my wife, she texted me, asking to talk again, and I agreed. She basically wanted to discuss two things. First, she says she broke things off with her lover and wanted to know if there was any possibility of reconciliation. I found this a little bizarre, because she didn’t seem all that earnest or enthusiastic about it. She just sort of floated the idea out there. From my perspective, after what’s happened, there’s a 99.9% chance of divorce, and for that 0.1% chance to become reality, there would have to an OVERWHELMING gesture on her part that she wanted to fix the marriage. But I didn’t get that vibe from her at all.

    As we discussed more, I think I understand more now. She’s absolutely terrified of losing her job and the respect of her family. The reason her job is a concern is because her lover is her boss where she works, an obvious no-no. And her family is fairly traditional, and I feel would look extremely negatively upon her for a very long time if they knew she’d had an affair. So I suppose I have quite a bit of power right now to screw up her life, and this fact probably dawned on her in the day or so after I confronted her, and I think she sees reconciliation as the path of least resistance to avoiding these dangers. I don’t think she really wants to be married to me at all.

    But I am not vindictive. There is no room in my heart for hate. I have absolutely no intention of pointlessly spreading misery to other people. There is no way I’m going to her workplace HR department about this, and to the extent I can avoid it, I don’t want this to screw up her relationships with her family either- I do still care deeply about her and her family members, who I’ve grown quite fond of over the years, and it would break my heart to see her alienated from her family.

    Which leads me to my current conundrum. We’re on the path to divorce, and family members will inevitably ask why. What happened with you two? Did you try marriage counseling? And so forth. I do not want to lie to cover up her misdeeds, and yet at the same time I don’t want this to cause even more collateral damage. Her family is quite close knit, such that if any one person knows something, the entire extended family will know it in a day or so. There are no secrets with her family. Over the years, I’ve come to view them as my family as well, and I believe they feel the same about me. If it’s possible, I don’t want to lose that.

    Can you give me any advice? Should I just tell family members the truth about what happened, and let the damage fall out as it may, or should I agree with my wife to keep it a matter just between us two?

    March 28, 2016 at 5:22 am #100234
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jeff:

    I would tell her family members the truth. Your wife is responsible for what she chooses to do and it is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions.

    If you go to her place of employment to cause her to maybe lose her job, well that is going beyond letting her (enjoy and) suffer the consequences of her actions, it is creating consequences by your initiative. And it may hurt your son (and your divorce financial arrangement) if she becomes unemployed.

    But I would tell the truth, just the facts. Again, no need to initiate much commentary on the bare facts. But keeping secrets… no.

    anita

    March 28, 2016 at 7:06 am #100245
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    You’re awesome, happythoughts. Hugs all around. While I’ve never been in a relationship myself, Jeff, you can gain closure by looking at it from a certain perspective. Maybe the relationship wasn’t meant to last and your ex-wife probably had the wandering eye for a while. All that matters is taking care of yourself and your son.

    March 28, 2016 at 8:01 am #100252
    El
    Participant

    Jeff,

    Leave it up to her to decide what to tell her family. It’s her shame and her disrespect that got you guys into this situation. Not yours. This is not your problem, this is hers. When it ces to the divorce, this is between you and her. This has nothing to do with each others families. It would be good if you both didn’t yell anyone what had happened. Can you imganine the drama and the extra stress? Plus, others opinions will confuse you.

    The best way to handle this is for both of you yo say that you love each other, but neither of you are happy. You’re both confused about what you want and need time for your own life. When you say something like that, people don’t question your reasoning.

    I think it is amazing what you decided to do. You will find someone who is deserving of you. I’m like you, hate and revenge are not a part of my vocabulary. I choose not to indulge or become a part of the negativity in the world. I feel that it is great that you do the same 🙂

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