Dear Nan:

Do you believe in the biblical god and biblical sin (your last line)?

You wrote that you will make plans “to flee for good”- and until you flee you “continue to live as nothing has changed.”

I am trying to (re-) think as I type who you are afraid of:

1) R-2, current husband. You are afraid of him trying to hurt you if you flee.
2) Your son, hating you when he finds out.
3) R-1’s (first, short term husband) sons, trying to hurt you and their father when they find out.
4) God (I just found out) and perhaps societal judgment.

I think your fear of your mother started all these fears, gave them their intensity.

No matter how long you wait, no matter how elaborate and well thought of the plan, you cannot prevent the hardship that is to come if you do make the move. When it comes, that moment of action, you will be afraid and you will have to act in spite of that fear, motivated by the strength of your own conviction.

And until you have a strong conviction of what is the right thing to do, how are you going to give yourself the motivation and persistence needed to make the move?

So, your conviction about the right thing for you to do, maybe this is the issue…?

anita