Dear Gen:

I went back just now to your original post and read most of it as well as some of your other posts. In the last, you wrote the following (my comments are in parentheses):

“My parents are supportive and there whenever I need anything (except they did not support your need for your feelings to be attended to and accepted). They can be critical (disapproving) at times but I couldn’t ask for better parents. My parents do tend to ignore my depressive tendencies (again, they do not attend to the feelings in you that they don’t like). I feel like the signs have always been there but they ignore it. I’ve shared with them about going to see a therapist but their advice was always make sure you don’t go on any medication. If I was in a mood it was implied that I wasn’t trying hard enough to be happy (that’s their way to deal with their own depression, ignore sadness, fake-it-till-you-make-it). I think it’s just that they don’t understand and don’t truly attempt to understand…”

As good as parents as you think they are, they weren’t good parents in this regard:

They should have accepted you sad, glad, scared, hurt or mad (the five basic emotions). For example if you were sad that you lost a toy, they should have said: “You feel sad. It is sad when you lose a toy you really like!” And then hug you.

Instead, your parents, from your description, are more inclined to say in this example: “Well, you have other toys, why not play with the train set. Come on, cheer up!”

There were probably thousand such subtle messages your parents (one or both) gave you over the years, so you feel uncomfortable about the “negative feelings”- the feelings your parents disapproved of in you and in themselves. So you repressed them, pushed them down, so to get the approval of the most important people in your life, your parents.

As a result, you are not connected to the emotions you need to make choices with confidence, to find your direction.

By suppressing “negative emotions”- sadness, mostly, all emotions get suppressed, and the emotions you need to guide you in making choices, in getting motivated and in evaluating people and situations are not there.

What do you think so far?

anita