Dear elleno:

You are welcome and please do post anytime.

I think that you and your husband should see a competent psychotherapist together. I think that you developing feelings for another man and somewhat having been willing to have a relationship with that man is a result of problems in the marriage that your husband is also responsible for, no less than you. The marriage being what it has been and is, is about 50% your responsibility and 50% your husband’s.

The fact that he was often angry at you, for no good reason, nothing you caused- well, that is his problem, 100% his responsibility. It is a problem he should have attended individual therapy himself so to not direct his anger at you. When he repeatedly directed his anger at you, he abused you, mistreated you. As a result of his mistreatment of you, you didn’t feel safe, to be yourself. That is no way to live.

So, if I was you, as I understand your situation, I would be very gentle with myself, not blaming myself at all for the attraction for the other man, that was and is understandable. I would hold the husband responsible for his anger and mistreatment of me, and I would hold myself responsible for not standing up to him all these years, suggesting and insisting that he heals his anger and not bring it home to me.

And so, as you attend couple therapy with him- if you take my advice, that is- do it not as the guilty-partner but as a couple who is 50%-50% responsible for the situation as is. You will know if he is willing to do the work he needs to do IF he takes responsibility for his part, for mistreating you with his anger all these years.

anita